serialgf Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 hi all! i am really desperate for some advice, though i'm really not sure what anyone is going to say that will help. i need advice so i don't ruin this awesome new relationship! i started dating this guy about three weeks ago. we met at a festival, spent three awesome days hanging out a lot and agreed to start dating afterward, since we live in the same area. things have been going really really well, though maybe moving a bit too fast. my last breakup was finalized about five months ago though we were breaking up for several months before that. i really thought i was in love with that guy, but he had several problems including being a hopeless alcoholic and so i'm glad to be out of that relatiolnship. new guy, we will call him Z, is really down to earth, kind, and interested in having a relationship. he's a few years younger than me (i'm 31, he's 27). he's very shy and quiet, i'm outgoing. he has been really upstanding about planning dates, always showing up, being attentive etc. he doesn't have a drinking problem and is a generally healthy and happy person. awesome! our relationship has been very close to what i consider ideal. we have tons of sex, great conversations, go out on lots of dates, have similar tastes, are both artists, etc. so, why am i sabotaging this and how? well, in three separate instances i have admittedly manipulated him into fighting/arguing/engaging with me when he wanted to hang out with friends. the first was when there were visitors to his house, it was about a week into our relationship and everything was going super well. i started getting really insecure, accusing him of not wanting to be with me, we got into an argument in his room for about twenty minutes but then we talked through it and went back out to the party and things seemed fine. the next morning when we woke up, however, he said that i was acting controlling and that he saw this as concerning behavior, that he needed to be careful with proceeding. i felt sad but accepted this, though i also felt like he had been acting a bit insecure and in fact he had drunkenly accused me of not wanting to hang out with him as well!! we hung out that night and everything was really nice, he apologized for not helping things and we made up. the second was by far the worst and completely my fault. we both got pretty drunk at a camping party and i got really drunk and got into this horrible mood where i told him i wanted to leave and attempted to get in my car and drive away. i also suggested that he sleep with one of the girls at the party. he kept following me around and trying to convince me not to leave. i eventually passed out in my car. i woke up the next morning feeling so much regret, and i crawled into his tent. he was totally understanding and kind and kissed me and asked me what he could do to help, but he also expressed a similar concern to before. but after this he agreed that we should be bf/gf. the third was the night after the aforementioned party. i have been having a hard time having an orgasm (TMI, sorry, i know) and we had had a lovely dinner together. he had a band practice that he wanted to go to, but he kept saying it was optional, he didn't have to go, etc. so i feel like he was sending me mixed messages. we had sex and once again i didn't get off so i asked him if he would help me, and he agreed, but in the process he was too late to attend his music practice and then he said to me, "you're keeping me from seeing my friends", which i didn't totally agree with since he kept reassuring me that it was okay for him to miss it. so in the end we were ok, he ended up staying at my house, and i apologized numerous times which he appreciated. i brought it up later at my house and said i would make sure he didn't miss another rehearsal and he said, "well i probably will" (meaning himself).... so i just don't get it i guess there are several issues: 1. why do i keep sabotaging a perfectly good relationship? i've done this with other relationships. is it fear? am i just a horrible person? in my defense, other than this issue i am totally loving, understanding, kind, etc, which i think is why i am pretty much always in a relationship. i really want to meet the right person, get married, etc. i am very committed. 2. what is his message? is he mad at me or not? on the one hand he's very passive, so it seems like he's afraid of getting taken advantage of.... 3. what should i do? we're supposed to hang out tonight. should i keep the plans? 4. what can i do in future similar social situations to not behave like this? has anyone experienced something similar i am going to counseling and spend a lot of my time thinking about this issue, so i do want to change, but it is very frustrating because i feel like i keep sabotaging my relationships. and this time, i really really don't want to do that because this might be the best guy i've ever dated! HELP!!!!
Author serialgf Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 i wanted to add a couple of things: 1. idealistically, in my mind, i want him to have friends, so it's not that i want to control him, though i am open to the idea that i might want to control him on a subconscious level. but ideally, in my ideal relationship, we would both be free to hang out with our friends. 2. i suggested to him that i could stop drinking liquor, since this definitely aggravates my "problem" and he didn't seem to want that. he said that it seems like a deeper issue than drinking. 3. we had a lengthy talk about all of this and i cried and expressed my disappointment with myself and admitted to him that this has been a problem of mine for a while. he was very supportive and said that he thought this relationship was "meant to happen", so i am pretty confident in his desire to want to work through this with me, within reason
rightfield Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I think you have indeed found a good a patient guy. Many other guys would have run for the hills at this point, especially after that performance at the camping party. Good for you in seeking counseling and self-identifying that you are behaving this way. As for what he's thinking....I'd be very apprehensive if I were him. I'd be watching and waiting, and expecting, for you to pull that crap again. I'd be doing some soul searching and planning my response, determining just how much of it that I'm going to put up with before I show you a vapor trail. If alcohol triggers the issue, cut way back or abstain. One of the red flags for an alcohol problem is when it interferes with interpersonal relationships. I think you'd better address this issue quickly. If he is non-confrontational in nature, as I am, he may be very sweet and accommodating while he decides whether he wants to continue with you or not. You could be on thin ice and not know it. Good luck.
Author serialgf Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 rightfield thanks so much for your response! you do sound like you might understand how he is feeling, but what should i do? you say that i should address this issue quickly, and i totally agree with you, but my question is HOW?? how do i address the issue? please let me know if you can!! thanks, sgf
Author serialgf Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 what is wrong with me? am i just a bitch? should i just be single?
rightfield Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Well, how about if you proactively suggest that he plan some hangout time with his friends. Or maybe suggest he set it up regularly. Then you are going to have to figure out how to tolerate it. This would demonstrate how hard you are trying, and give him some reassurance. Maybe if it was your idea, somewhere deep down you'd feel like you had a bit of control in it, and you'd be ok with it. Then, go out with YOUR friends, have fun, meet up with him later and.....BAM!
Author serialgf Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 that is a very constructive suggestion, rightfield. i like it! he does have issues about being controlled. he is the youngest of four kids and is also short and small and quiet so on the one hand he is very passive and used to being controlled but on the other hand he is paranoid about it.... but i think your suggestion, if executed right, could work for both of us. thanks so much and if you have anything else to offer, i am all ears!!
Author serialgf Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 he is planning on going to another rehearsal this wednesday so i plan to be super supportive and cool about that, make sure there's no way i'm the reason he doesn't go, etc.
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