Author mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I call BS if I know he just wants something from me that I am not inclined to give him. Otherwise, I appreciate compliments. If you're dealing with a girl who is so down on herself that she assumes you're being patronizing when complimenting her, that's a big red flag. If you tell her her eyes are beautiful she'll dismiss that so you keep going on and on to try to convince her. It's a majorly intense need for external validation. I can't deal with something like that and I don't know anyone who can. Yea... I've been there a few times unfortunately. Recently too. I am beginning to understand that in those situations there really is no hope and I'd just have to let go. Still sucks when you care about the person though. ~sigh~
zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have noticed something common, and slightly confusing among a lot of women in my life and with some of the ones that post here. I have heard women say they won't date a guy who is too smooth, too handsome, too intelligent, or too hot. This all seemed strange to me, but I think it all points to a bigger underlying issue: low self-esteem. [snip] SOO the question is, considering self-esteem is a real issue among a good portion of women, what does a guy do to subtly make her feel better about herself and/or more confident about the relationship? I think my self esteem is pretty good these days, but even when it wasn't, there was no such thing as "too good looking." And even now, I don't dig "smooth" guys. I don't know that I associate it with not trustworthy as much as guys who are awesome but kind of awkward (in a cute way) are so much sexier to me. That's just my type, though. Smart, sexy, cute, awkward guys. I wouldn't date a guy that's too rich for a long time, though, and that probably was an insecurity issue. After I left the ad agency, went back to grad school, and struggled to transition to teaching, I felt a little bit adrift with money and career for awhile, and I'd also had a bad experience with a BF who's new business shot up to reinforce it, so I tended to shy away from guys who were doing too well. My last exBF got me over that, and my current BF does very well as well. I still wouldn't date a guy who's materialistic -- but that's a value choice. I don't think anyone should ever rely on another for his or her self-esteem. It just doesn't work. Especially not with romantic relationships, which are volatile and often impermanent.
Author mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I think my self esteem is pretty good these days, but even when it wasn't, there was no such thing as "too good looking." And even now, I don't dig "smooth" guys. I don't know that I associate it with not trustworthy as much as guys who are awesome but kind of awkward (in a cute way) are so much sexier to me. That's just my type, though. Smart, sexy, cute, awkward guys. I wouldn't date a guy that's too rich for a long time, though, and that probably was an insecurity issue. After I left the ad agency, went back to grad school, and struggled to transition to teaching, I felt a little bit adrift with money and career for awhile, and I'd also had a bad experience with a BF who's new business shot up to reinforce it, so I tended to shy away from guys who were doing too well. My last exBF got me over that, and my current BF does very well as well. I still wouldn't date a guy who's materialistic -- but that's a value choice. I don't think anyone should ever rely on another for his or her self-esteem. It just doesn't work. Especially not with romantic relationships, which are volatile and often impermanent. I strongly agree with what you said in the bolded, but we all know reality isn't quite like that, and people feel insecure for a number of reasons, like the ones you talked about. I think ultimately, a successful relationship is one where both people have a sense of integrity, and I have always tried to show people that I have that. Maybe I may have been doing something wrong, which is why I wanted to hear people's opinions.
ilikesunita Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have noticed something common, and slightly confusing among a lot of women in my life and with some of the ones that post here. I have heard women say they won't date a guy who is too smooth, too handsome, too intelligent, or too hot. This all seemed strange to me, but I think it all points to a bigger underlying issue: low self-esteem. The only thread where someone explicitly mentioned low self-esteem is this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291567/ OP's GF feels she isn't good enough for him and someone mentioned she most likely has a lack of self-esteem. Now, I'm not the kind of guy that will go after any chick. I am very very very picky, but I have a feeling that I run into this kind of thing often and it boggles my mind because there is usually something I see in these women, and I feel that they are amazing catches. SOO the question is, considering self-esteem is a real issue among a good portion of women, what does a guy do to subtly make her feel better about herself and/or more confident about the relationship? Dump them. Who wants to date somebody who hates themselves? Life is too short for losers.
zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I strongly agree with what you said in the bolded, but we all know reality isn't quite like that, and people feel insecure for a number of reasons, like the ones you talked about. I think ultimately, a successful relationship is one where both people have a sense of integrity, and I have always tried to show people that I have that. Maybe I may have been doing something wrong, which is why I wanted to hear people's opinions. Oh, yes, people WILL feel insecure. But actively using a partner in order to feel secure is not healthy. Life happens, and various things make us insecure, and we try to punch through it, and we're imperfect. I never meant to say otherwise. A sense of integrity is a good start, and integrity, assertiveness, and self-respect all go hand in hand with being secure and comfortable in your own skin and with your own choices, which is really how you effectively battle insecurity longterm.
iris219 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I don't like talking about this in terms of being better than someone or too good for someone, but I don't know how else to word it. I personally don't date guys who I think are below me. In order to want to date someone I have to think the guy is "better" than me in some way. Now this doesn't mean he really is better, but just that I see it this way. I think you should feel this way about someone you love. You should think they're awesome even if others don't think this. I would hope my SO thought I was too good for him. I want someone who inspires me to be the best person I can be and this only happens if I think my SO is too good for me. If I realize he isn't or start to believe he isn't, I lose interest.
zengirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I don't like talking about this in terms of being better than someone or too good for someone, but I don't know how else to word it. I personally don't date guys who I think are below me. In order to want to date someone I have to think the guy is "better" than me in some way. Now this doesn't mean he really is better, but just that I see it this way. I think you should feel this way about someone you love. You should think they're awesome even if others don't think this. I would hope my SO thought I was too good for him. I want someone who inspires me to be the best person I can be and this only happens if I think my SO is too good for me. If I realize he isn't or start to believe he isn't, I lose interest. I think you have two different ideas here. I'd never date a guy who I didn't think was awesome. He has to be amazing (to me), of course! But that doesn't mean I feel he is "too good" for me. I'm awesome too! I guess that's. . . self-esteem in action? I don't know. I worked on my self-image for awhile, but I really love and cherish myself now. I want to be with a guy who loves and cherishes himself as well. . . but isn't self-absorbed and also can love others. Self-esteem and egoism are a balancing act, of course, but feeling someone is constantly "too good" in a "I'm not good enough way" would be bad. However, just feeling blessed and lucky to have an awesome partner is not.
D-Lish Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I see your point, but ideally your self esteem should not be dependent on others. It would be impossible for any person to maintain your self esteem 24/7. At some point your partner will fail to keep your self esteem up. That is why many folks with low self esteem are potential cheaters. They crave external validation. My self esteem wavers here and there- but I've never cheated on anyone I've ever dated. I do agree with you in some respects- that really needy people will be prone to seek attention elsewhere when their needs aren't met. I'm not prone to being needy- just prone to having bouts of self esteem problems here and there. When my ex was distancing, I didn't seek attention elsewhere, I focused on my ex. Needy women may be more prone to cheat rather than those with self esteem issues. Sometimes Self esteem issues and neediness go hand in hand, sometimes they don't. You get a needy woman with self esteem issues- you're in for one hell of a ride...
zengirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 My self esteem wavers here and there- but I've never cheated on anyone I've ever dated. I do agree with you in some respects- that really needy people will be prone to seek attention elsewhere when their needs aren't met. I'm not prone to being needy- just prone to having bouts of self esteem problems here and there. When my ex was distancing, I didn't seek attention elsewhere, I focused on my ex. Needy women may be more prone to cheat rather than those with self esteem issues. Sometimes Self esteem issues and neediness go hand in hand, sometimes they don't. You get a needy woman with self esteem issues- you're in for one hell of a ride... I always thought neediness and attachment issues came from insecurities and low self esteem (but VERY low, not normal ebb and flow, which people do have, and I think you're hard on yourself about) --- where do you think it comes from? How are they different? I'm curious.
D-Lish Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) I always thought neediness and attachment issues came from insecurities and low self esteem (but VERY low, not normal ebb and flow, which people do have, and I think you're hard on yourself about) --- where do you think it comes from? How are they different? I'm curious. I can only speak for myself- I do have some normal insecurities, and at times, when my depression surfaces, my self esteem suffers more than normal. But I have never been an overly needy person. Selfish sometimes, but not needy. In my last relationship I became needy- but that was only because it was a crisis for me and I needed my partner to support me when he was unable to do so. I've been single more than I've been in relationships. In the last 10 years I've spent maybe 20 months in relationships. I am very accustomed to being independent- and quite happy being alone. I think the difference is having some insight into yourself. I started a thread about men and their attraction to broken women- because I have a young friend that is both needy and riddled with self esteem issues... But the difference between her and I is "insight". I think, when I don't feel good about myself, I avoid being in relationsips precisely because I don't want to make a bad decision or become needy. I can't speak for others. I can only talk about my young gf that is so incredibly needy, and she does have self esteem issues. She also does not posess introspection, and she is incredibly naive.... Because I tend to not believe in myself at times, I'll push people away rather than show any weakness (sabotage). Edited August 11, 2011 by D-Lish
cerridwen Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) Ok women, here's a question. If a guy does give you compliments, on how you look, on how funny you are, or how smart you are, etc. do you ever feel like he might just be patronizing you? Most women can detect sincerity. When my exH use to compliment me in the way I referenced earlier in this thread, what soothed me wasn't the compliment itself, it was the gesture. He wanted me to feel loved. He wanted me to know he wasn't going anywhere. When a compliment is sincere, it's the love behind it that often touches you. But, sometimes, no matter how sincere, some women can't take it in. There are those people too and they will suspect patronization. Edited August 11, 2011 by cerridwen
OriginalPenguin Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 When a compliment is sincere, it's the love behind it that often touches you. But, sometimes, no matter how sincere, some women can't take it in. There are those people too and they will suspect patronization. That is the type of person that is heart braking to try to love, because no matter how sincere you are, no matter how much you comfort them, no matter how hard you try they are just incapable of accepting it. (this could be male or female by the way) It's like banging your head against a wall at first, then it becomes irritating, then it makes you angry. Then you say goodbye.
zengirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I can only speak for myself- I do have some normal insecurities, and at times, when my depression surfaces, my self esteem suffers more than normal. But I have never been an overly needy person. Selfish sometimes, but not needy. In my last relationship I became needy- but that was only because it was a crisis for me and I needed my partner to support me when he was unable to do so. I've been single more than I've been in relationships. In the last 10 years I've spent maybe 20 months in relationships. I am very accustomed to being independent- and quite happy being alone. I think the difference is having some insight into yourself. I started a thread about men and their attraction to broken women- because I have a young friend that is both needy and riddled with self esteem issues... But the difference between her and I is "insight". I think, when I don't feel good about myself, I avoid being in relationsips precisely because I don't want to make a bad decision or become needy. I can't speak for others. I can only talk about my young gf that is so incredibly needy, and she does have self esteem issues. She also does not posess introspection, and she is incredibly naive.... Because I tend to not believe in myself at times, I'll push people away rather than show any weakness (sabotage). Interesting. Yes, needy/insecure definitely have a link, but I see what you meant now. Thanks for the clarification.
Recommended Posts