mo mo Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I have noticed something common, and slightly confusing among a lot of women in my life and with some of the ones that post here. I have heard women say they won't date a guy who is too smooth, too handsome, too intelligent, or too hot. This all seemed strange to me, but I think it all points to a bigger underlying issue: low self-esteem. The only thread where someone explicitly mentioned low self-esteem is this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291567/ OP's GF feels she isn't good enough for him and someone mentioned she most likely has a lack of self-esteem. Now, I'm not the kind of guy that will go after any chick. I am very very very picky, but I have a feeling that I run into this kind of thing often and it boggles my mind because there is usually something I see in these women, and I feel that they are amazing catches. SOO the question is, considering self-esteem is a real issue among a good portion of women, what does a guy do to subtly make her feel better about herself and/or more confident about the relationship?
Rinas Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I don't see leagues, if there's a guy who's interested in me and he's far above average, I won't let it pass. People assume that those who are more attractive are more likely to cheat due to having more options. Life has no guarantees, however I see average people cheat on there partners on a daily basis. I'll take my chances and go with the attractive fellow.
LoneWolfie Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Yeah i feel sorry for the OP of that thread....owh wait... To clarify, my GF is a absolutely gorgeous and sexy, and gets guys hitting on her atleast once or twice a week. Her personality is soft and gentle, very caring, pretty-in-pink, sunshine and bunnies kind of girl so to speak. A girl like her could probably hook most of the guys she might go for. Interestingly, she mentioned she only once made a first move on a guy. That guy being me...since i was too much of a nice guy 'white knight syndrome' moron who thought she was out of his league and didnt dare to make a move on her out of fear i wouldnt be good enough. Owh the bitter bitter irony. But i will keep my specific case restricted to my thread.
Author mo mo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Yeah i feel sorry for the OP of that thread....owh wait... To clarify, my GF is a absolutely gorgeous and sexy, and gets guys hitting on her atleast once or twice a week. Her personality is soft and gentle, very caring, pretty-in-pink, sunshine and bunnies kind of girl so to speak. A girl like her could probably hook most of the guys she might go for. Interestingly, she mentioned she only once made a first move on a guy. That guy being me...since i was too much of a nice guy 'white knight syndrome' moron who thought she was out of his league and didnt dare to make a move on her out of fear i wouldnt be good enough. Owh the bitter bitter irony. But i will keep my specific case restricted to my thread. Wow I have been in a similar situation as yours and it got me thinking, but instead of derailing that thread I started my own. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel about the situation.
Author mo mo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I don't see leagues, if there's a guy who's interested in me and he's far above average, I won't let it pass. People assume that those who are more attractive are more likely to cheat due to having more options. Life has no guarantees, however I see average people cheat on there partners on a daily basis. I'll take my chances and go with the attractive fellow. I agree-- I see average and below average people cheat allllll the time. I really wish I met more women with your attitude.
Author mo mo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I once dated a girl that told me she had non-stop anxiety in her previous relationship because her ex bf was "the hot one" in the relationship.
rafallus Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I agree-- I see average and below average people cheat allllll the time. I really wish I met more women with your attitude. Don't we all do?
Author mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 SOO umm No one really answered my original question. What should I be doing to help move things along with someone who might have some esteem issues? Please don't say "find someone without them". That'd be ideal, but it is also incredibly hard.
D-Lish Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 The first 3 months in my relationship with my ex, I felt so safe with him. I had complete trust in him, and my self esteeem was at an all time high. He made me feel relaxed because he always made me feel so desired. He showered me with compliments, told me )and showed me) how happy he made me... In the last couple months, I felt him distancing himself from me, and then my insecurities came out and my self esteem issues resurfaced. I think as long as you make your woman feel loved- most of us (not all) will feel better about themselves.
Rinas Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 SOO umm No one really answered my original question. What should I be doing to help move things along with someone who might have some esteem issues? Please don't say "find someone without them". That'd be ideal, but it is also incredibly hard. In my past relationship, my ex had assumed that I was "far too good for him." I would continue to reassure him otherwise. Generally, when I notice someone has low self esteem, I do my best to make them see otherwise. I'll point out there positive features and traits in hopes of building confidence. Nothing like keeping someone smiling, and doing something great for others at the same time.
Author mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 The first 3 months in my relationship with my ex, I felt so safe with him. I had complete trust in him, and my self esteeem was at an all time high. He made me feel relaxed because he always made me feel so desired. He showered me with compliments, told me )and showed me) how happy he made me... In the last couple months, I felt him distancing himself from me, and then my insecurities came out and my self esteem issues resurfaced. I think as long as you make your woman feel loved- most of us (not all) will feel better about themselves. it's not that simple. i know for a fact
cerridwen Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) SOO umm No one really answered my original question. What should I be doing to help move things along with someone who might have some esteem issues? Please don't say "find someone without them". That'd be ideal, but it is also incredibly hard. My exH was stop-in-your-tracks gorgeous. When we began dating, everywhere we went, women of all ages would look at him. When he visited me at work, ladies who previously wouldn't speak to me pulled me aside to ask about him. It sent me into an unexpected bouts of insecurity. They manifested with me checking my hair constantly, trying to get my makeup juuuuuust right. Part of it stemmed from my own issues around being abandoned as a child. Part of it was simply worrying if he'd grow bored of me. But he was as beautiful on the inside as the out. He listened to my fear and hugged me. He kissed the top of my head and he'd always say, where ever we went "Once again, I have the prettiest girl in the room." In short, he was understanding, consistent and reassuring. The insecurity passed within a couple of weeks. So, my recommendation is to maybe follow the same suit. Hopefully, she'll get over it as quickly as I did. Good luck, mo mo. Edited August 10, 2011 by cerridwen
D-Lish Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 it's not that simple. i know for a fact Depends on the woman- I know that for a fact. There are some woman that will always have deeply ingrained insecurities that you'll never be able to "fix", no matter what you do. A relatively healthy woman will respond to her instincts when a man loves them and she feels that. There are some people that just can't be "fixed".
Cee Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 As long as you are trustworthy, consistent, and loving, there is nothing else to do. Breaking out of low self-esteem is a concrete task that takes years of action. My low self-esteem was cured by getting and holding a job, running my household, and developing lasting friendships. My boyfriends had no impact on my self-esteem and they understood that. Instead, they celebrated my school and work successes. They also were willing to offer criticism (verrrry gently) and I respected them for that. I guess they were witnesses to my rising self-esteem, but really it was my job, my responsibility. It's weird, but now I don't believe in self-esteem. Instead I believe in responsibility and accountability. I don't need to feel a certain way about myself. Instead, I focus on my actions, which includes how I treat people. And that's what matters to me.
daphne Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I think too smooth is a red flag. In my experience, it meant that the guy was a player. Too good looking, I don't mind it. However, if coupled with too smooth, is a recipe for disaster. Too intelligent, is there such a thing? Too hot, again, is there such a thing? Men and women tend to be intimidated by someone that is at the top of the attraction scale. I don't understand it when someone tells me that I'm intimidating. But I feel it when I'm around a guy I find highly attractive. Everyone wonders if that person has too many options to stay with you. But if you have something else in common other than the too's, it's a better place to start.
Author mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I think too smooth is a red flag. In my experience, it meant that the guy was a player. Too good looking, I don't mind it. However, if coupled with too smooth, is a recipe for disaster. Too intelligent, is there such a thing? Too hot, again, is there such a thing? Men and women tend to be intimidated by someone that is at the top of the attraction scale. I don't understand it when someone tells me that I'm intimidating. But I feel it when I'm around a guy I find highly attractive. Everyone wonders if that person has too many options to stay with you. But if you have something else in common other than the too's, it's a better place to start. Recipe for disaster???? My point is that guys like that at least deserve a chance. Just because they can play around doesn't mean they will. It's up to you to make sure he sees that you are an amazing catch IMO
daphne Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I don't think so. I'm not interested in someone who's a wannabe player or was once a player. I don't need promiscuous people in my life. And I don't have to show anyone I'm an amazing catch. That's just silly.
primer Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Make her feel good about herself. Tell her how much you like and appreciate her. Buy her little gifts or "treats" now and then. Make her feel special. Let her know you are thinking about her. I just started a thread about feeling alone in a relationship and it is because he does not make me feel special. I am totally independent and have no one to lean on, even emotionally.
Pierre Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 The first 3 months in my relationship with my ex, I felt so safe with him. I had complete trust in him, and my self esteeem was at an all time high. He made me feel relaxed because he always made me feel so desired. He showered me with compliments, told me )and showed me) how happy he made me... In the last couple months, I felt him distancing himself from me, and then my insecurities came out and my self esteem issues resurfaced. I think as long as you make your woman feel loved- most of us (not all) will feel better about themselves. I see your point, but ideally your self esteem should not be dependent on others. It would be impossible for any person to maintain your self esteem 24/7. At some point your partner will fail to keep your self esteem up. That is why many folks with low self esteem are potential cheaters. They crave external validation.
LoneWolfie Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I see your point, but ideally your self esteem should not be dependent on others. It would be impossible for any person to maintain your self esteem 24/7. At some point your partner will fail to keep your self esteem up. That is why many folks with low self esteem are potential cheaters. They crave external validation. Speaking from experience, my GF likes it when builders whistle at her, when guys approach her and compliment her or hit on her. But she doesnt flirt back, nor does she seem to be an increased risk of cheating on me.
Pierre Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Speaking from experience, my GF likes it when builders whistle at her, when guys approach her and compliment her or hit on her. But she doesnt flirt back, nor does she seem to be an increased risk of cheating on me. I would say that is normal. Most women tend to enjoy some attention. Hopefully she does not require this attention in high doses.
Author mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I don't think so. I'm not interested in someone who's a wannabe player or was once a player. I don't need promiscuous people in my life. And I don't have to show anyone I'm an amazing catch. That's just silly. I'm not saying you should be with someone who is promiscuous. Smooth talking is essentially a persuasive personality. It is a result of intelligence and people skills. Many people are born with this quality and/or it develops over time. Being good looking.. once again, people are born with their features. Saying all good looking, smooth-talking guys are promiscuous is just silly. Sure, they have more options, but just because they have them does not mean they do not have a sense of integrity. As was said before, plenty of average people cheat every day, so looks and persuasiveness are not clear indications of cheaters. When I said you'd have to show you're an amazing catch, what I mean is that someone who has plenty of options is not going to stick around if you are mean, inconsiderate, insensitive, etc. If you really like the guy and want to keep him, then don't do things that could potentially push him away. It really isn't a silly concept.
Author mo mo Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Ok women, here's a question. If a guy does give you compliments, on how you look, on how funny you are, or how smart you are, etc. do you ever feel like he might just be patronizing you?
primer Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Not if he is not overdoing it. I can usually tell if compliments are sincere because they would happen at the right time and place.
tigressA Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Ok women, here's a question. If a guy does give you compliments, on how you look, on how funny you are, or how smart you are, etc. do you ever feel like he might just be patronizing you? I call BS if I know he just wants something from me that I am not inclined to give him. Otherwise, I appreciate compliments. If you're dealing with a girl who is so down on herself that she assumes you're being patronizing when complimenting her, that's a big red flag. If you tell her her eyes are beautiful she'll dismiss that so you keep going on and on to try to convince her. It's a majorly intense need for external validation. I can't deal with something like that and I don't know anyone who can.
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