B. Kiddo Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 So I met someone online. We met in person and started dating about 5 weeks ago. Have seen each other 7 times. Have had a great time every date. Tons of stuff in common, endless things to talk about, as of yet not one red flag...well there is one: At the end of August my new romantic interest leaves the area for a year(career reasons). Not going to far away, only a 4 hour drive. I can travel for free as I'm airline crew so the geography isn't unmanageable. We have had a light talk on this issue and both agreed we liked each other enough to give it a try. We have not yet had the "commitment talk". But we now have slept together twice - less any sex beyond heavy kissing, cuddling etc. I felt really good about it all, but then today I looked at her match.com ad and it says she's been active within 24 hours. I'm not sure what to make of this. I certainly can't call her on it and really have no right to be upset as the "C" talk hasn't happened yet. But I can't help but to wonder if I'm starting to let myself become emotionally involved with someone who seems to be keeping her options open. Considering she's leaving I have pretty much decided that "too soon" or not we need to have the C talk before she leaves as I'm not willing to deal with the "what if's" via long distance. Maybe it's just me being me, but my ad came down after the 3rd date. I didn't expect that of her but seeing that she's still going on there actively has really taken a lot out of my confidence in this whole thing..I can see that still having the ad up would not be unreasonable, but to be active on it creates questions: Is she communicating with someone else? Is she looking at ads down where she is moving too etc.. What do some of you think of all this? Not that it makes much difference because the dynamics are probably the same as with straight folk but this is between two women..
Hot Chick Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Maybe she was checking your ad just like you were checking hers, thus it was "active." You were on match.com, too.....so she was, big deal. You obviously don't trust her or you wouldn't be checking up on her like that.
Carm Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 That is exactly why I HATE online dating. You have great dates with a person and you think they are on the same page but then they head right back to the site (or what I like to call the Candy Store) to see if there is a new candy they haven't tried yet. After 7 dates, it's not unreasonable to ask if you are mutally exclusive. I had a similiar situation years ago with a guy and after about 8 dates, I had a spidey sense that he's still multiple dating so I straight out asked him. He was honest and said he likes 3 of us. Argh, I thanked him for his honesty but basically told him I'd make it easier for him and left him with 2 to decide from.
Author B. Kiddo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) Maybe she was checking your ad just like you were checking hers, thus it was "active." You were on match.com, too.....so she was, big deal. You obviously don't trust her or you wouldn't be checking up on her like that. Possibly, but my ad has been taken down. It's not public anymore. I'm not sure if match overrides that if there has been mutual communication though. If that's the case, you may be 100% correct. I hadn't considered that. I also should add for the record I was only looking at her profile, not browsing others. I'm starting to feel something for this girl and before I even attempt to continue this long distance I need some measure of confidence that we are on the same page, so I looked. Presently I don't sense in the least that she is actually dating anyone else. We did discuss that a bit ago. The 24 hour thing just makes me wonder if I should allow myself to invest anymore emotion in to this until we make a commitment official. Edited August 9, 2011 by B. Kiddo
serial muse Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Possibly, but my ad has been taken down. It's not public anymore. I'm not sure if match overrides that if there has been mutual communication though. If that's the case, you may be 100% correct. I hadn't considered that. I also should add for the record I was only looking at her profile, not browsing others. I'm starting to feel something for this girl and before I even attempt to continue this long distance I need some measure of confidence that we are on the same page, so I looked. Presently I don't sense in the least that she is actually dating anyone else. We did discuss that a bit ago. The 24 hour thing just makes me wonder if I should allow myself to invest anymore emotion in to this until we make a commitment official. The thing is, you don't actually know whether she was doing the exact same thing you were, as far as just looking for you. (Regardless of whether you could be found.) The only way out of this conundrum is to just talk to her about it, so I'm glad that that's your plan.
Author B. Kiddo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 The thing is, you don't actually know whether she was doing the exact same thing you were, as far as just looking for you. (Regardless of whether you could be found.) A very good point.
iJester Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 You slept with her twice and haven't ****ed her yet? That's probably why she's keeping her options open, she probably thinks you're a nice guy/chump.
Art_Critic Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 She is still looking dude.. and when she moves her location will change on her profile too. I'd bet 100-1 she is still talking and going out.. You guys have only been on 7 dates and not had any exclusive talk.. time for that talk to see if it moves forward . and by the way.. Why on earth would you take yours down after 3 dates ???
Author B. Kiddo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 You slept with her twice and haven't ****ed her yet? That's probably why she's keeping her options open, she probably thinks you're a nice guy/chump. She is still looking dude.. and when she moves her location will change on her profile too. I'd bet 100-1 she is still talking and going out.. You guys have only been on 7 dates and not had any exclusive talk.. time for that talk to see if it moves forward . and by the way.. Why on earth would you take yours down after 3 dates ??? Thanks for your input guys, but you might want to go back and read my original post a little more closely. I'm not a dude... But to answer the question about the 3 dates: Its simple. I don't believe in dating more than one person at a time. It's too confusing and someone's feelings always get hurt. When I date someone I want to explore the chemistry that brought us together in the first place to its fullest potential with no distractions. Most women do this after the first few dates.
Art_Critic Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Thanks for your input guys, but you might want to go back and read my original post a little more closely. I'm not a dude... That doesn't change my advice But to answer the question about the 3 dates: Its simple. I don't believe in dating more than one person at a time. I don't either but I never took down the profile till the exclusive talk happened or we talked about it.. When one person does it so early it sends a message to the other person that you are moving pretty fast.. maybe faster than they would like and they will be hesitant because of that.
Author B. Kiddo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 That doesn't change my advice I don't either but I never took down the profile till the exclusive talk happened or we talked about it.. When one person does it so early it sends a message to the other person that you are moving pretty fast.. maybe faster than they would like and they will be hesitant because of that. LOL, I appreciate the meat of your position. I actually took mine down more because I'm done. If this one doesn't go anywhere I won't be going back to online dating. I've done it too long with nothing but headaches resulting. I figured, well I met someone cool, this is the last time so bye bye ad. I actually did tell her that too.
Art_Critic Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I actually did tell her that too. What was her reaction to you telling her this ?.. Did she mention anything about hers ?
Author B. Kiddo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 She seemed to understand. She more or less shrugged it off. The only thing I remember her mentioning was that her paid membership had expired and she either hadn't or wasn't going to renew it.
sm1tten Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Some people are fine with multi-dating, others arent. If you aren't, then you need to have some sort of committment/exclusivity talk. You cannot hold her to your standards of dating - that's unfair. It's natural to feel disappointed when you meet someone that you'd like to take seriously and they don't seem to feel the same way, but don't make any assumptions until you talk to her. I think it's complicated by the fact that she's moving, certainly, and I actually do think the dynamic between two women is somewhat different... but nonetheless, you should be on the same page before she moves. I personally leave my profile up and keep going on dates until I find someone I want to date exclusively and then we mutually agree to take the profiles down. With my last two boyfriends, this happened on the first or second date.
Art_Critic Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 She seemed to understand. She more or less shrugged it off. The only thing I remember her mentioning was that her paid membership had expired and she either hadn't or wasn't going to renew it. Doesn't that mean she can't read emails or send them ? Then she is keeping it up for shiots and giggles to pass some time and see what else is out there.. funny thing though about expired memberships.. they get re-newed in 5 secs as soon as someone sees someone to contact. Have a talk with her about it all and see where it is going.. maybe she will just take it down and never realized it would bother you.
iJester Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 My advice doesn't change either, except for the gender pronouns. .
bluenightowl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 So I met someone online. We met in person and started dating about 5 weeks ago. Have seen each other 7 times. Have had a great time every date. Tons of stuff in common, endless things to talk about, as of yet not one red flag...well there is one: At the end of August my new romantic interest leaves the area for a year(career reasons). Not going to far away, only a 4 hour drive. I can travel for free as I'm airline crew so the geography isn't unmanageable. We have had a light talk on this issue and both agreed we liked each other enough to give it a try. We have not yet had the "commitment talk". But we now have slept together twice - less any sex beyond heavy kissing, cuddling etc. I felt really good about it all, but then today I looked at her match.com ad and it says she's been active within 24 hours. I'm not sure what to make of this. I certainly can't call her on it and really have no right to be upset as the "C" talk hasn't happened yet. But I can't help but to wonder if I'm starting to let myself become emotionally involved with someone who seems to be keeping her options open. Considering she's leaving I have pretty much decided that "too soon" or not we need to have the C talk before she leaves as I'm not willing to deal with the "what if's" via long distance. Maybe it's just me being me, but my ad came down after the 3rd date. I didn't expect that of her but seeing that she's still going on there actively has really taken a lot out of my confidence in this whole thing..I can see that still having the ad up would not be unreasonable, but to be active on it creates questions: Is she communicating with someone else? Is she looking at ads down where she is moving too etc.. What do some of you think of all this? Not that it makes much difference because the dynamics are probably the same as with straight folk but this is between two women.. My sense is you are getting very attached to her and should definitely talk about it, BUT you must prepare yourself that she might not say what you were hoping to hear, and must be prepared to let go. As much as people rave about online dating I also agree about the candy store aspect of it and that might for people make them less likely to give someone the attention they deserve.
Author B. Kiddo Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 As far as match.com yes, you can't read or send emails unless you have an active paid subscription. This girl is a very slow mover. I think she's been hard pressed to let herself commit to anyone really. I'm defintely going to talk to her. Just not sure if I should do it this week or wait till just before she moves. I don't get the feeling at all she's seeing anyone else right now. She even told me she was not a couple of weeks ago. I have no reason to doubt that. She is a pretty straight up person. I don't think she'd lie about it. But that doesn't mean she wouldn't if the opportunity presented itself. That's why before she leaves we either committ or it ends.
bluenightowl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 As far as match.com yes, you can't read or send emails unless you have an active paid subscription. This girl is a very slow mover. I think she's been hard pressed to let herself commit to anyone really. I'm defintely going to talk to her. Just not sure if I should do it this week or wait till just before she moves. I don't get the feeling at all she's seeing anyone else right now. She even told me she was not a couple of weeks ago. I have no reason to doubt that. She is a pretty straight up person. I don't think she'd lie about it. But that doesn't mean she wouldn't if the opportunity presented itself. That's why before she leaves we either committ or it ends. sounds perfect to me. It also tells her where you stand and she might respect you more and become more attracted to you.
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