FinOuch Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) I'm not sure what the point of this post is. To release some of the emotions I'm feeling now...hopefully to spread hope. But something is urging me to put my silly little two cents in this morning. It's now been about three months (give or take a week) and perhaps I've finally found myself in a better place. It's a weird place to be in. It feels like a precipice of sorts – as if I'm on the verge of something big - but just not quite there yet. On one hand, I have given up on the idea that I'll turn a corner and find him. Or that I'll answer my door or check my email and he'll have popped up from out of nowhere. He rarely appears in my dreams anymore, and when he does his role is insignificant and fuzzy. I don't miss waking up without him now, and I guess that means I've come to grips with the fact that he's gone. I've come to accept that after the breakup he immediately moved on...that from that moment on (or even before) I no longer occupied his thoughts, and that I'm the only one who has been dwelling on the loss or our past. I finally realize that in all likelihood he never looked back...and, surprisingly, I'm finally okay with that. I feel liberated in that acknowledgement. Yet, on the other hand, deep down inside I do not believe that this means he's gone for good. My gut instinct still tells me that while he found an instant rebound/distraction...eventually it will fall apart and he will come full circle and have to face his demons. And months (maybe even years) down the road he...just like every other jack*ss ex I've had...will show up when I least expect it claiming to deeply regret the choice that he's made. I'm not even close to convinced he will not come back to haunt me at some point. And I guess this is where things have finally changed: I no longer wish for or look forward to that that moment. I don't care how it would play out if he showed his face again, nor do I care if he never did. In fact...I'd prefer he just be gone for good. I simply no longer have the desire to look back at what was or what could've been. The moments that have led up to this point are of no more interest to me. I've ridden this horrible roller coaster through the worst part. I've sat strapped down to this awful car - anxiety ridden and without any control – as it oh-so-slowly climbs towards the unknown while rendering me blind to what lies ahead. And finally...mercifully...it has reached the vertex. It's a little terrifying. It's sort of exciting. I don't know that I'm ready for the drop...that I would ever be ready for the drop if given a choice...and I certainly have no idea whether I'll end up enjoying the rest of the ride or not. But I'm ready to find out. I'm ready to let everything I've been obsessing and worrying over up to this moment go, to throw my hands in the air, and just experience the rest of the ride. How exhilarating this feeling is... Edited August 9, 2011 by FinOuch
reimeivn Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 3 months and me too. i am looking forward to the new semester. i hope he never show up again.
Thieves Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 It's a weird place to be in. It feels like a precipice of sorts – as if I'm on the verge of something big - but just not quite there yet. This is exactly what I've been feeling, too. I feel lately like I'm almost at the edge of something, like I've finally driven down this road of healing and recovery for so long, that I may actually be reaching that final bend that'll lead me onto a newer, better road to the future. I'm not quite there yet, either... but it feels close. I've looked at pictures, listened to sweet songs he sent a long time ago. While I can still remember the emotions I felt behind all those things, it's more like I'm feeling it from a distance. From a more objective outsider point of view. The pangs of guilt, sadness, and pain are nowhere near as strong. They're barely there. Like a very weak echo. It's literally like my heart and my brain are conspiring against me and literally won't let me look back and feel bad for myself anymore. It's like they're slowly building a barrier, brick by brick. In other words, I feel like all this pain has minimized and transformed mostly into contemplative thoughts. Thoughts where I go over in my brain what actually happened like an older memory and observe any clues/lessons I can see. So those thoughts have relocated from my heart to my mind, where I feel them from a weird distance. Along with looking at old pictures/songs, earlier I also read over the last (neutral) e-mail he sent me months ago. Didn't plan to. I was a little nervous though, but something inside me said just do it. Once I actually clicked on the email and slowly read it, the nervousness was gone. I just remembered the sinking pain I felt when I first read it, and how different it feels reading it now. Now I felt more of an empty realization about what he said, and I ended up nodding to myself because now I know I've made big progress in my healing.
Thieves Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Oh, and as for how I feel about him coming back or not, I'm kind of neutral about it at this point. On one hand, I go through ups n' downs where I really feel like he'll try to contact me again eventually - and I don't mean that in a hopeful way. I literally think it's not beyond him to do that, 'cause he's done it before. Now this might be wishful thinking, I know it'll sound crazy, but some days I feel like I can feel his presence lingering, like I can feel him hesitating to reach out to me again wherever he is. It's just a weird vibe I get. And then there are other days too where I don't feel that at all and I say to myself, "Yep, he's probably gone for good." Part of me thinks "What the hell would I say to him?" if he came back. I would definitely feel weird. And distant. Maybe I don't actually want him to return. It's probably just my ego that wants to know he still cares. Which I figure will go away eventually.
reimeivn Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 i can feel his presence too. like all the times. but no i dont want to be back with him. i am getting my self esteem back. i might not find anyone who loves me or want to be with me, but i wont stay with somebody who doesnt love me and treat me like crap. just stay away from him and keep quiet about the entire situation and you will soon be forgetting about him.
Author FinOuch Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I hear you guys on the presence thing. There's definitely still times (like right now) where I get the weird sense that I'm lurking in his mind and the desire to reach out is there on his end. But in reality, I'm sure that's just my own manifestation of how I believe he's feeling given the way he acted as he broke things off with me and my impression of the girl he replaced me with, mixed with a little selfish wish of how I would like him to be feeling. Continually reminding myself that it doesn't matter helps during those surreal moments. In other words, I feel like all this pain has minimized and transformed mostly into contemplative thoughts. Thoughts where I go over in my brain what actually happened like an older memory and observe any clues/lessons I can see. So those thoughts have relocated from my heart to my mind, where I feel them from a weird distance. You worded it perfectly! I totally get what you mean by the distance/objective-outsider thing. I actually decided to use this new and weird place I'm at as an indication that it was time to go and finally clean out all the digital photos I had of us/him stored on my computer. I'd avoided it up to now because I just didn't want to trigger the flood of emotions. But now I'm at a place where it really didn't really affect me. Not to say that there weren't any pangs of emotion at all. But surprisingly few. And there certainly were no tears, no overwhelming sadness, no flood of memories, etc. Even just looking at him through those photos I realized that I don't really perceive him in the same physical sense as I did when we were together. When I was with him, I thought he was radiant...gorgeous...all that stuff. But now I just see some decent looking guy who's age was starting to show on is face and his thinning hair. It was almost as if he was a stranger. Not quite. But almost. It's weird. Part of me thinks "What the hell would I say to him?" if he came back. I would definitely feel weird. And distant. Maybe I don't actually want him to return. It's probably just my ego that wants to know he still cares. Which I figure will go away eventually. I don't think I would say anything. Probably just stare confused and blinking for a second before walking on/shutting the door/whatever. but no i dont want to be back with him. i am getting my self esteem back. i might not find anyone who loves me or want to be with me, but i wont stay with somebody who doesnt love me and treat me like crap. I'm really glad to read that. I remember a post you made some time ago where you had some negative things to say about your appearance, and thinking "wow, if she's half as cute as she is in her avatar then she has NOTHING to worry about!" I don't think you're destined to a fate of not finding anyone. In the meantime, though, enjoy the new semester and just keep rocking that cutie smile.
reimeivn Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 FinOuch, haha I still feel pretty skinny and unattractive. I am skinnier than in the picture. but ahhh i am fine for right now. I cant find anybody so what, I guess nobody thinks I am cute? or attractive... okay. fine. still better than being with somebody AND he supposed to think so but he doesnt? The school year is starting. I am excited.
Bito Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I cant say I am enjoying the ride yet... When im bored at work doing the same repetitive inspection process over and over, I find it very difficult to not think about her. The hardest thing to not think about is something your trying to not think about I find that I have no problem when I am engaged in an activity or hanging out with friends. Its only when alone for an extended period of time or bored at work which is 9 - 5 every weekday. I still occasionally have short bursts of intense happiness that I wish I could hold on to. Like just yesterday I was allowing myself to just be angry at her. When I thought of karma coming back around to punish her I felt an intense feeling of glee and energy. This faded as quickly as it came... Overall I guess im not doing all that bad especially if I compare myself to me a month ago.
Author FinOuch Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 I'm sure you'll get there, Bito...with time. When im bored at work doing the same repetitive inspection process over and over, I find it very difficult to not think about her. The hardest thing to not think about is something your trying to not think about I hear ya! My job as a bean counter is quite routine/repetitive. I've found that the mornings from about Wednesday on are the worst. That's when I really have to fight the urge to go e-creeping him and his new girl. Took a good while and a lot of self-inflicted heartache before I built up the willpower to stop. Even without that, though, it doesn't stop the morning thoughts. Overall I guess im not doing all that bad especially if I compare myself to me a month ago. Isn't that crazy? The contrast between the weekend after he dumped me to a month after he dumped me, to two months after, to three months after is astonishing. I'm not any of those persons anymore. Thank god for that! I guess there is merit in the whole "it just takes time" thing. And regardless of how crazy it sounds...self-help books. I do think they help to activate the logical self, put things in perspective, and help you get your power back quicker.
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