what's going on with him?

[Lauren83]

Hey guys! I could really use your help. (warning: this will be pretty long) I've been "just friends" with a guy named Jacob for about a year. We met last summer, hung out every Friday night and talked on the phone 3-4 times a week (for hours at a time). We totally hit it off, and have all the same interests, beliefs, etc... My family loves him too. Before I met him, he'd planned to transfer to a college 2hrs away so he could live with his brother. A few weeks before he left, he stopped calling as much and we didn't hang out until after he moved. I finally asked him what was up, and he said he wasn't sure if I wanted to be friends or more than that. We both agreed that it was best to stay friends because of the distance. (He said he'd been in a LDR before, and it didn't work out). I never have been in a LDR, but I knew that it wasn't the right time to start a relationship with him. We started e-mailing each other a few times a week (and still do), but over the last few months he's stopped calling me all together. I used to call him about as much as he called me (about once per week), but when he stopped calling as much, I stopped all together. I felt like, for a few weeks, I was the one doing all of the calling and planning, so I wanted him to put forth a little effort as well. He's rarely in town, and when he is, he's always haning out with "the guys" or visiting family. Sometimes he'll even drive 1hr away to visit friends at another college. He never asks me to hang out anymore, I have to hint around before he'll even ask now. The last time I saw him was 3 months ago, and he was acting very strange, almost nervous. This type of behavior is very odd for him, because he's so outgoing and talkative. He always compliments me on my clothes, but this time he said "is your hair different?" (I was wearing it down, instead of pulled back) and I said "no", but he went on to say "i really like it that way". We ended up just hanging out at my house for a few hours and talking the whole time. He had to leave early to drive back, so I walked him to his car. We always hug whenever we say goodbye, but this time was different. Instead of hugging me right away, he looked into my eyes for a minute and I was wondering what was going on with him. He did end up giving me a hug, but he seemed kind of nervous and then he said "You better get inside. Don't want you to catch pneumonia". I smiled and said "I'm OK". Then he got into his car and said "I'll be in touch". I didn't know what to think, so I just said "OK. Have a safe trip" or something like that. He's seemed really distracted and kind of nervous since then. We still e-mail each other, but that's it. I can't get him to talk about anything personal, and he never tells me how he feels about anything. He hasn't invited me to his new apartment yet, or even his house here. I've never met his parents or brothers, but he's met everyone in my family (parents, sisters & grandma). I just don't know where I stand with him anymore. He's staying in his apartment over the summer so he can continue working, so he won't be home very much. Some of my friends suggested that I come visit them (they go back home during the summer to the same town he's in) and then surprise him at work. Or call him and tell him I'm in town, and then ask if he wants to hang out. I'm just not sure that's the best way to go about this. I really need some help! I don't want to be more than friends just yet (it's not the right time), but I do want to deepen our friendship. Any suggestions?!?! (Guy's opinions are especially welcome!)

[clia]

Some of my friends suggested that I come visit them (they go back home during the summer to the same town he's in) and then surprise him at work.

 

Noooo! Don't do this!

 

Or call him and tell him I'm in town, and then ask if he wants to hang out.

 

I'm iffy on this one.

 

I don't want to be more than friends just yet (it's not the right time),

 

Are you sure about that? Reading between the lines, your post indicates that you do want more--I mean, you are complaining that you haven't met his family yet, that he isn't calling, that he doesn't tell you how he is feeling, that you haven't seen his new place...that's worried about more than just friendship, IMO.

 

but I do want to deepen our friendship.

 

In the hopes of...what? You seem to feel that the two of you have potential, if not now, in the future. So you want to deepen the friendship in the hopes that eventually you two will be a couple, right? I mean, you certainly aren't looking to innocently and truly have a friendship with this guy--what you want is a relationship eventually.

 

His not calling anymore is not a good sign. In fact, his nervousness last time he saw you, and the "I'll be in touch" makes me think that he's found a girlfriend there (or at least someone else he is interested in.) I think you should just let this one go. If he wants to see you, he knows where to find you. If he wants to spend time with you, he knows where to find you. You do know where you stand--he doesn't care enough to call anymore. He doesn't care enough to make plans with you anymore. That's where you stand.

 

Now, the question is...will you stand for that?

[livingthelife]

IT sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it to..

maybe he has deep feelings for you.. but is trying to be respectful of your proposed "friendship" status...

 

ASK him what is going on.. why all the mystery??

[Lauren83]

Originally posted by clia

Are you sure about that? Reading between the lines, your post indicates that you do want more--I mean, you are complaining that you haven't met his family yet, that he isn't calling, that he doesn't tell you how he is feeling, that you haven't seen his new place...that's worried about more than just friendship, IMO.

 

You're right. I do want more...in the future. We're both so busy now that we don't really have time to be anything more than friends. I talked to him about the friendship thing before he left last summer. I asked if he wanted to stay friends even though he was leaving and he said "I definitely still want to be friends. I value your friendship and would do anything to keep it." I feel the same way.

 

 

In the hopes of...what? You seem to feel that the two of you have potential, if not now, in the future. So you want to deepen the friendship in the hopes that eventually you two will be a couple, right? I mean, you certainly aren't looking to innocently and truly have a friendship with this guy--what you want is a relationship eventually.

 

Yes, I think we have potential in the future. I definitely want a relationship eventually.

 

 

His not calling anymore is not a good sign. In fact, his nervousness last time he saw you, and the "I'll be in touch" makes me think that he's found a girlfriend there (or at least someone else he is interested in.) I think you should just let this one go. If he wants to see you, he knows where to find you. If he wants to spend time with you, he knows where to find you. You do know where you stand--he doesn't care enough to call anymore. He doesn't care enough to make plans with you anymore. That's where you stand.

 

Now, the question is...will you stand for that?

 

How is not calling a good sign?? And why does "I'll be in touch" make you think that? I really need more explanation on this. I'm not 100% sure if he has a girlfriend because I've never come right out and asked him, but I really don't think he has a girlfriend there. There is a girl that he's friends with, who I know likes him (she's always flirting and is kind of pushy), but I don't think he's into her. They went to a concert together last fall, and I was there with my best friend. When he saw me, he came running down the stairs and gave me a big hug. Then, he told this girl that he was going to the bathroom, but he came down to talk to me instead. Every time I looked up at them, he was staring off into space or at me, and she was looking at the ground or off the other direction. After the concert, he waited for me by the door and we talked for a minute. I know he talks to this girl occasionally, and that they hang out sometimes, but I don't think they're more than friends. (I asked another guy friend about this, and he didn't think they were more than friends either) One time, I overheard him talking to his guy friend about girls and his "type" and she wasn't it. He prefers girls with dark hair and dark eyes (which I have) and this other girl is blond w/blue eyes. But, people change. And he could be into a totally different girl. I don't know. It's been about 4 months since the concert, and he could've met somebody else. That's the problem. I really need to know what's going on with him before I invest any more feelings (other than friendship) into this relationship.

 

I don't want to stand for that, but I don't know what to do. What should I say? I'm totally fed up with these games! I honestly don't want to be more than friends right now, but I still need to know where we stand. I also don't want to scare him off or make him think that I want to start a relationship right now. All I want is to know how he feels and where he thinks we're headed. How should I go about this??

Should I start calling him again, even though he never calls me anymore, and just see how things go? He's not going to have computer access over the summer so I thought about saying something like "call me sometime". Is that a bad idea?

 

(P.S. thanks for your response above! I appreciate it!)

[Lauren83]

Originally posted by livingthelife

IT sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it to..

maybe he has deep feelings for you.. but is trying to be respectful of your proposed "friendship" status...

 

ASK him what is going on.. why all the mystery??

 

I always get mixed reactions when I tell people our situation and ask them for help. Some say that he's holding back because he really likes me, but he knows we can't be more than friends. So, talking on the phone and hanging out just makes it harder. They say that's why he's stopped calling and asking me to hang out. He's the most polite and respectful guy I've ever met, and would never go against anything a girl asks him to do (unless it's really immoral, but you know what I mean). He wants to be a youth leader at church, and go to seminary after college. I think that's really cool. We definitely have the same moral and religious beliefs.

Others say that he really does just want to be friends now, and has moved on because we live too far away for anything to work out. I don't know. That's why I came here. I'm so confused about this. I really miss him though, and don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship. I'm afraid I might do that if I just come right out and ask him. I don't want to freak him out.

[livingthelife]

always get mixed reactions when I tell people our situation and ask them for help. Some say that he's holding back because he really likes me, but he knows we can't be more than friends. So, talking on the phone and hanging out just makes it harder. They say that's why he's stopped calling and asking me to hang out. He's the most polite and respectful guy I've ever met, and would never go against anything a girl asks him to do (unless it's really immoral, but you know what I mean). He wants to be a youth leader at church, and go to seminary after college. I think that's really cool. We definitely have the same moral and religious beliefs.

Others say that he really does just want to be friends now, and has moved on because we live too far away for anything to work out. I don't know. That's why I came here. I'm so confused about this. I really miss him though, and don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship. I'm afraid I might do that if I just come right out and ask him. I don't want to freak him out

 

 

You are totally into him.. what is your reason for not wanting a relationship with him right now..

[clia]

How is not calling a good sign??

 

I said it's NOT a good sign.

 

And why does "I'll be in touch" make you think that?

 

Because it's the kind of thing you say when you don't really mean it. It's not "I'll call you when I get in." It's not "I'll talk to you tomorrow." It's just very...open...

 

It's been about 4 months since the concert, and he could've met somebody else. That's the problem.

 

I look at it like this--he was calling you fairly regularly and was acting differently toward you. Something has changed. Sure, maybe he's just busy or distracted. But my gut feeling is that he either (a) has a girlfriend or (b) is interested in someone else, and that is who he is calling and telling his feelings to. Of course, I could be wrong. You are the one in the situation, so you know more than I do.

 

I really need to know what's going on with him before I invest any more feelings (other than friendship) into this relationship.

 

You have his actions; you don't need his words also. He has pulled back--don't be in denial.

 

I honestly don't want to be more than friends right now, but I still need to know where we stand.

 

You are still e-mailing with him, correct? It sounds like you are still friends. Unfortunately, you are not as close of friends as you want to be. You can't force that. You say you only want to be friends right now, but in the next breath you want to know where you are headed. It's one or the other. If you truly want to only be friends with him, then it sounds like you are. But you want more than that. You want some sort of promise (or something) from him that after all the long distance is over the two of you will be a couple. It does not appear that he wants to provide that.

 

Should I start calling him again, even though he never calls me anymore, and just see how things go?

 

No. Don't chase him.

 

He's not going to have computer access over the summer so I thought about saying something like "call me sometime". Is that a bad idea?

 

That's a fine idea. But don't call him. Throw the ball in his court and see what he does. But in the meantime, don't sit around thinking about this. Go out, date other guys, and have fun. If he calls--great. If he doesn't...well, there are many fish in the sea.

[Red Flag Rick]

sounds like he started off with a bang and has chosen to end the friendship with a whimper because, like most guys, he doesn't know how to communicate.

 

and it sounds like he has a girlfriend and he doesn't want to hurt you.

 

first, your friends are wrong with their advice. this advice is perfect for a girl who wants to come across like a pathetic, needy, stalker-babe, but you are worth more than this desparate action. i question the friends that you hang out with and i bet this advice comes from females, not males... tell these girls that a gay man, who has seen lots of his str8 girl friends in unhealthy relationships, told you that they need to learn how to spot red flags in a man so they will not give this unhealthy advice to their girlfriend. and they, along with you, need to focus on building up your value so that you will be able to protect yourselves properly as you nagivate the realtionship waters...

 

i see many red flags in your post, and it looks like you are picking out cues pretty well... i urge you to do a search with my screen name on this board and you will soon find out that there are many folks who do not understand that there is more to dating than wanting to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. i think you know this, but research on this board will open your eyes like never before... i am glad that you saw that you were not ready to be in a ldr - they are difficult. i am in one, so i know. and i am pleased to hear that you intend on deepening friendships with men before you fall head over heels with the next hottie who happens to catch your eye...

 

you have no idea how important it is for females to learn how to use their power correctly so that they can spot red flags in men - it is absolutely crucial for females to get this so they will be able to protect themselves. females are built to be smarter than males, and there is a good reason they are - my posts delve into this more.

 

You are questioning correctly, but i am concerned that you aren't taking his signals, or red flags, that indicate this guy is just not good enough for you. i wonder how he will communicate with his girlfriend when something goes wrong - resorting to the safety of emails won't cut it. and you are much better than settling for this expectation in a man.

 

major points go to you for picking up his red flags, but i gotta take some of them away since you still want to deepen the friendship after all he has shown you. here's some flags i pulled out -

 

" A few weeks before he left, he stopped calling as much"

 

"over the last few months he's stopped calling me all together"

 

"I felt like, for a few weeks, I was the one doing all of the calling and planning"

 

"He's rarely in town, and when he is, he's always haning out with "the guys" or visiting family. Sometimes he'll even drive 1hr away to visit friends at another college. He never asks me to hang out anymore, I have to hint around before he'll even ask now. The last time I saw him was 3 months ago, and he was acting very strange, almost nervous. This type of behavior is very odd for him, because he's so outgoing and talkative."

 

"We always hug whenever we say goodbye, but this time was different. "

 

"He did end up giving me a hug, but he seemed kind of nervous"

 

"He's seemed really distracted and kind of nervous since then. We still e-mail each other, but that's it. I can't get him to talk about anything personal, and he never tells me how he feels about anything. He hasn't invited me to his new apartment yet, or even his house here. I've never met his parents or brothers, but he's met everyone in my family"

 

 

so i am so darn glad to see a female really looking at a guy with a critical eye - this says you are way ahead of many females, no matter what the age... also, you seem to have more self-esteem and have placed a value on yourself already, but i think that value needs to be pumped up some...

 

females, never underestimate your value - it is the foundation you will need to grow and become more aware of what these little hottie boys are up to...

 

from what i see, i am pleased to see the positive signs that show me you possess traits that many females don't - and your continued focus on sharpening your inner female skills will only lead to more power for you - and you will need it for everything else you do, especially as you search for the best partner out there.

 

and it sounds like you can lead your friends to some enlightenment - and i would be very careful of taking their advice...

 

it appears that you already know more than them.

[Red Flag Rick]

when i answered this post, there were no responses... when i finally finished and hit the send button, i see that there have been some responses while i was yappin' away...

 

i am with clia on the "ill be in touch" thing... that is not normal and it is very open, which is a good description of how he is using this.... which screams of non-committal. which screams of another interest like a girlfriend. he is freaked out because he doesn't want to hurt you.

 

and i like the way you use the word "invest" and you relate it to you and your investment in others... i sure wish other gals would understand this...

 

you sure do have more on the ball than others, and i hope you see that this is because of the value you place on yourself. and you need to see how your value gives you a certain level of expectations. and they can never be too high. set your value, raise your expectations, and then folks should either meet them or they don't.

 

now think about what you expect in a guy - if you cannot go to him with your honest concerns, and by the way, your concerns are valid, and if you cannot expect a mature, honest reply, then you have your answer - he is not meeting your expectations and as you referred to, game time is over. you are obviously better than that bs... i know you are friends, but the more i hear, the more i think you deserve a better boyfriend. he sounds flaky and non-committal, and i already see that you are worth more.

 

and what is up with your friends, dear??? he's ignoring you because he really likes you? geeeeeeeeeesh. what kind of stuff are they smokin?

 

sounds like you need to find folks who meet your standards all the way around....

[Lauren83]

Red Flag Rick & Clia - THANK YOU!! You guys are awesome! I really appreciate your help. I desperately needed someone outside the situation, who doesn't know Jacob or I, to give me their opinions. My friends just tell me that we make a cute couple or that he's really sweet. None of this is helpful advice. (And I intend on telling them that. You're right. Their advice is pretty terrible!) I really needed a wake up call, and you guys gave it to me. I can't thank you enough!! I mean it.

 

Red Flag Rick - All I can say is "wow!" I wish I had a friend like you around. I'm sure I'll be seeking your advice again in the future. I will definitely go back and read your other posts. Thanks for the sweet compliments. I feel so much better after reading your posts. I mean, I knew all of that stuff already, deep down, but it just didn't want to admit to myself that it could never work out. I guess because he's so polite and respectful, and because we have so much in common, I just overlooked all of the bad things and focused only on the good. I really need to be careful of that in the future. So, thanks again for bringing all of those things to my attention. I really needed it!

[Red Flag Rick]

i like what i am hearing.

 

look up my recent post to advicegirl. i finally wrote the blueprint i took that led me to my guy... my incredible guy who has all the attributes that i think you, livingthelife, and clia deserve. i am workin' on miss liv as we speak... that little cutie is gonna get it together and knock 'em out. and all females have this power.

 

you do have a friend like me around. i am right here, so just ring me up.

 

"I just overlooked all of the bad things and focused only on the good."

 

yep. you got it. now add this to your value and keep on truckin'.

[Lauren83]

I just read your reply to advicegirl, and saved it onto my computer. I'm going to e-mail it to all of my female friends, because they definitely need to hear this! Thank you so much!!!! You're such an amazing person, and you've helped change so many lives. It really means a lot me, and I'm sure everyone else. If I ever have any questions, I'll definitely send you an e-mail. Thanks again!!