cantaloupe Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Well, last Thursday I went to help my ex of 1 week move. (We dated 5 1/2 years. He broke up with me suddenly after stress from school related things. I've posted some about it. We did not live together.) He totally messed with my head while I was there. We agreed when we went out to dinner on Thursday it felt like a date. I thought it was until the next day he told me it wasn't. We flirted all of Friday. At one point on Friday I told him I was stressed out and he started to rub my back. It felt so good to have physical contact again! The killer of the entire weekend was when he kissed me. I pulled away real quick so it wasn't more than a peck. He put his hand over his heart, closed his eyes, and said "No, give me a real kiss." So I did. Then pulled away. Then he pulled me back in for a third kiss. When I asked about this later he told me it was just a lapse. It was probably the most hurtful thing ever that he thinks kissing me is just a lapse as he transitions out of dating me. His guard was up partially while I was there. However, when he was napping one afternoon I went to wake him up because we were supposed to go downtown. He held out his arms toward me and kept calling me baby and getting me to cuddle with him. (I wouldn't.) This was something he used to do when we together and very much in love. It greatly upset me because it was like he was back to his old self. He said he didn't remember it when he woke up. I tried talking to him about getting back together, my feelings on the break up, etc. I cried. He seemed to waiver and think twice about getting back together. Both times he said no. He told me a few times I was annoying him. I talked to him about just trying for one day to let down both our guards because I think we could fix things. He got angry. I asked him if this was a "grass is greener" thing and his face lit up. I think he believes the grass is greener to be single and not in a relationship. He's 27. Isn't he too old for that?? He claims he has no interest in dating anyone right now. We talked briefly the 2 days after my visit. During one of the calls on Sunday night his phone died. He called me back after and I did not answer. I've been doing no contact since he called me back Sunday night even though I still want him back. We had been broken up for 10 days when I started no contact. I'm mostly curious about why his actions (flirting, telling me he still loves me and is in love with me, etc.) don't match up with his words. The worst thing ever is the feeling that the person you have loved and committed yourself to for the past 5 1/2 years thinks it would be better to be single than be with you. Even losing you completely from their life is a chance they want to take. Anyway, thanks for letting me share. It feels good to get everything off my chest to people who might listen. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated!
Author cantaloupe Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I think I had an epiphany. My ex had been able to sever his emotional ties for me over the past week and a half. I could not figure out how this happened so quickly. I was deleting my voicemails this morning when I stumbled across one my ex had left 2 months ago to the day. He was calling about an apartment where he wanted to move in together. He said he knew it was above my price range and that he had already e-mailed the landlord. He wanted to know if I could go see it that weekend- despite knowing I was already out of state working on something for my thesis. I called him, he didn't pick up, then he called me back. He was already in a state of panic for no real reason. I talked about my concerns and he was very pushy and slightly aggressive over the phone about working out a situation so we could live in this very apartment. His pushiness made me feel uncomfortable. Later in the day he decided he couldn't live with me. We had a huge fight over this and actually broke up for about 3 days. During this time he went with his sister and signed a lease for the apartment. We then made up. His opinion changed after this fight and he thought he was pretty much sure he wanted to live with me (he even asked me officially but I told he could have as much time as he wanted to really think things over). This never came to fruition. So most likely he has been cutting off things for 2 months now. I was just too in love to notice. This is the only way I can make sense of how he has been blocking some of his caring feelings towards me all of a sudden for the past week and half.
lonelynyc Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I'm going through a similar situation, and really want to encourage you about the NC which, I'm learning the hard way, is the only thing to do. My ex (together for 2 years) also broke up with me, but it wasn't a clean break at all. I never reached out to her first, but she'd tell me to come over, we'd sleep in the same bed, even have sex, all while broken up. We were doing a whole lot of relationship stuff and, of course, I got confused. You see, both your ex and mine didn't want to be with us anymore, but weren't ready to sever all ties... They used us to feel better at those lonely, vulnerable moments with absolutely no regard for the devastating effect that would have on us emotionally. Your ex probably was paving the way for the breakup for a month or so. Mine was too, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. That's the bad news: we were used and manipulated. The good news is that we can reclaim our self-respect and dignity by refusing to speak to them, deleting them entirely from our lives. I'm currently coping with this and it hurts like hell because I still love her and want to be with her, but I know it won't ever happen. There will come a time when neither your ex nor mine is anything but a distant, small memory. I hope so, at least.
Author cantaloupe Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation lonelynyc. It's really cruel to mess with someone who deeply loves and cares about you for your own selfish needs. That is the main thing I have taken away so far. I will always keep that in mind for future treatment of others. I'm currently coping with this and it hurts like hell because I still love her and want to be with her, but I know it won't ever happen. There will come a time when neither your ex nor mine is anything but a distant, small memory. I hope so, at least. It does hurt like hell! It's only been 2 days no contact. Though there are some moments I have actually felt better but my down moments feel as though he just broke up with me all over again. Part of me wishes I no longer loved him. The other part of me is in denial that at some point he won't try to be with me again. How long have you been no contact? Have you occasionally broken it? What about your ex?
lonelynyc Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation lonelynyc. It's really cruel to mess with someone who deeply loves and cares about you for your own selfish needs. That is the main thing I have taken away so far. I will always keep that in mind for future treatment of others. It does hurt like hell! It's only been 2 days no contact. Though there are some moments I have actually felt better but my down moments feel as though he just broke up with me all over again. Part of me wishes I no longer loved him. The other part of me is in denial that at some point he won't try to be with me again. How long have you been no contact? Have you occasionally broken it? What about your ex? I know what you mean about the ups and downs. Sometimes I feel decent because I remember how poorly she treated me towards the end of our relationship and after we broke up. That's no way to live. But at other moments the panic sets in and I think "Holy ****, I might actually never see her again!" This all happened so recently to you, you shouldn't expect yourself to be in anything but denial right now. After being in denial for a month, seeing my ex's online dating profile on Monday told me conclusively that it's over. Believe me, going NC and each day trying to come to terms with your new reality is the only option. I collapsed 2 days ago because I never seriously tried to come to terms with the breakup. Please don't let that happen to you. My ex broke up with me a month ago. I went NC with her for about a week, then she contacted me and started inviting me over to her place. The invites became more frequent, about twice a week, we'd sleep in the same bed, even had sex a few times. Then I'd walk her dog (yeah, I know, where's my dignity?). I NEVER invited myself over or initiated anything because she wasn't committing to me or telling me we'd be back together at any point. It was insulting and I felt disrespected/used like you did when your ex tried to be affectionate with you--but I missed her so much and was/am still so in love I kept coming back. The one time I reached out to her, this past weekend, to see if we could spend some time together (all I wanted really was to grab a cup of coffee with her) she tells me she's not sure that's a good idea, because we're not together anymore. I was good enough to walk her dog when she had to go out of town, but not worth spending an hour with on a Saturday. The point is, since July 4th, she had no intentions of ever being with me, or even being a good friend to me. Your ex is treating you the same way. If I had ignored her all along I would have avoided a lot of regret and pain.
Author cantaloupe Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Believe me, going NC and each day trying to come to terms with your new reality is the only option. I collapsed 2 days ago because I never seriously tried to come to terms with the breakup. Please don't let that happen to you. NC is horrible. Day 3 and the only thing I feel aware of is the fact that he isn't contacting me. At least yesterday I felt like I had some sort of control. Today I'm just upset that he doesn't seem to feel the intense need to talk to me the way I do to him. It blows my mind that he can go from talking to me almost every day for 5 1/2 years and now seems to have no interest in my life. I'd love to know about the things he has been up to this week! Talking to him was always my favorite part of the day. I'm so sorry your ex used/disrespected you like that. I think you and I just had a lot of hope things would work out with our respective significant others. Instead we need to be working on our own boundaries and one day find people who won't walk all over us.
wilsonx Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You will be alright in the end, just keep your chin up. Just to give you a little insight, theres one of 2 reasons why he's able to be this cold to you and not contact you like he has in the past. They are both intertwined. He has somebody else and has been attaching to that other person just recently. He no longer has a need for you except to be his security blanket just in case that doesn't work out. I know it sucks, been there done that and have the t-shirt 2 months ago but these type of people are emotionally immature as I have come to find out. You have to stick to NC for your own emotional well being though. You just got to do it. The first month is extremely hard but once you clear that hurdle, it gets easier, I promise. If you would like more insight, feel free to read my signature links
Author cantaloupe Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 You will be alright in the end, just keep your chin up. Just to give you a little insight, theres one of 2 reasons why he's able to be this cold to you and not contact you like he has in the past. They are both intertwined. He has somebody else and has been attaching to that other person just recently. He no longer has a need for you except to be his security blanket just in case that doesn't work out. I know it sucks, been there done that and have the t-shirt 2 months ago but these type of people are emotionally immature as I have come to find out. You have to stick to NC for your own emotional well being though. You just got to do it. The first month is extremely hard but once you clear that hurdle, it gets easier, I promise. If you would like more insight, feel free to read my signature links I gotta be honest... The only other woman in his life that he would be attaching to is his mother. Guaranteed. There is no way there is another girl. It's not his style and it would absolutely 100% go against his moral code. If there is anything I am sure of in this entire mess it is that he did not cheat on me and that there is not another woman. He's too stressed out and full of anxiety for something like that. (He just finished the bar exam and moved to a new state to start a different school program.) Thank you though, I will really try to keep my chin up and remember the first month is the hardest. I appreciate hearing that I will be alright in the end because that's what I am really hoping for.
lonelynyc Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 NC is horrible. Day 3 and the only thing I feel aware of is the fact that he isn't contacting me. At least yesterday I felt like I had some sort of control. Today I'm just upset that he doesn't seem to feel the intense need to talk to me the way I do to him. It blows my mind that he can go from talking to me almost every day for 5 1/2 years and now seems to have no interest in my life. I'd love to know about the things he has been up to this week! Talking to him was always my favorite part of the day. I'm so sorry your ex used/disrespected you like that. I think you and I just had a lot of hope things would work out with our respective significant others. Instead we need to be working on our own boundaries and one day find people who won't walk all over us. That's how it felt the first time I attempted NC. I would alternate between being proud of sticking to my guns and lovesick/missing the sound of her voice. Now on my second attempt at NC, I can tell you that I'm feeling a slight sense of relief. I was in so much pain and tortured every day with the uncertainty of being close with her one day and then being discarded the next like trash. I still miss her so much, but really the way she was and the way we were together before last month... Not whatever the **** I just went through with her, wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Author cantaloupe Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 That's how it felt the first time I attempted NC. I would alternate between being proud of sticking to my guns and lovesick/missing the sound of her voice. Now on my second attempt at NC, I can tell you that I'm feeling a slight sense of relief. I was in so much pain and tortured every day with the uncertainty of being close with her one day and then being discarded the next like trash. I still miss her so much, but really the way she was and the way we were together before last month... Not whatever the **** I just went through with her, wouldn't wish that on anyone. Isn't that the worst part? Wanting to be with the person they were before? I read through all of the love letters my ex wrote me yesterday. He was the sweetest most wonderful man. Loving, open, future-oriented. We really had something special for a while. Something switched because he was pretty terrible to me during the break up and then clearly led me on during the week after everything happened. Initially reading those letters was a bad idea but in the end it made me realize he might not be that loving wonderful man anymore. I have to deal with the person he currently is and that's not really a person who has compassion for me. I don't think I'm mourning the loss of who he's been lately, I'm mourning who he used to be. He seems pretty lost in his current state. It has been officially 2 weeks now. I think 2 weeks ago I would have dwelled on how I felt bad for him and how I wished he could find more happiness with all of these awesome things going on in his life. He's developed anxiety and it seems to be holding him back. Today it doesn't really seem to be a problem I feel I should worry about. Perhaps that's progress? (Though I do still wish he would contact me...)
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