arbrne_vet Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Just wondering if anyone had a relationship with someone who was bi-polar, manic depressive. from what i have seen there is a fine line between the two. i have been told that this is what my ex has. it can drive you insane, and make you think your losing your mind. Please be advised, there is a BIG difference between being depressed because of a breakup. that is normal to have. i am talking about a person who needs help. maybe i am just getting this off my chest so i can move on. some of her behavior. Constantly bringing up things that happened over 3 years ago becasue she has no basis for current conflict-argument. saying she just wants to move away from everyone. saying she hopes she does not wake up the next day because everyone hates her. constantly accusing me of cheating. i visit a friend, they have a "whore" over there for me. etc, ect, etc.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I think you have it a little wrong mixed up there. Manic depression and bi-polar are one in the same. "Clinical depression" is the term used for just the depressive state with no manic highs. People who fall in and out of depression are called the clinically depressed. People who have "mania" which crashes all the way to depression used to be called "manic depressives" before "bi-polar" became the PC name for it. I have the smaller of depression illness called "dysthymia" which is hard to recognize--you have to take stock of yourself over time and look at whether you're up on things and engaged with life or if you can see a pattern of excusing yourself from everything and loing stuff like what they call "letting yourself go". It insidious. That's why I take my Prozac religiously. It works for me and helps me have crystal clarity on things. My ex had "borderline personality disorder" which to me is the worst thing to be around. People with that take everyone down around them because they can't learn from their mistakes, won't or can't admit them, and project blame and distrust on everyone else. They are what you call "multiple personality lite". They are not like Sybil, the girl who totally acts out different personalities, they area lesser iteration often called having a "complex". When you deal with someone that science has to throw up its hands and just call a "compex" you probaly won't be ready for the wierdness. My ex's case--which she went to counselling for but didn't admit to me or discuss--was one where she had these few separate identities. When something triggered her to manifest a subset of this fragmented identity she would turn on a dime and act like you're a stranger to her who needs to show her all over that you can be trusted. Then that identity recedes and the other one comes back with no sense of responsibility for the display of distrust she just made. I didn't know anything about this when it was going on and I argued and fought with her to extremes. I felt I had earned the right to be taken for who I am and be trusted for what I do and not become some threat figure from her subsconscious. And I did. But her denial system and escape pattern made it impossible for me to keep her. There was no over-coming this. It was too ingrained and I was unprepared to have my love trashed on a moments notice time and time again. Good luck with dealing with something that doesn't make any sense.
Mack05 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Never had a relationship with a bipolar, but I have had a relationship with a (BPD) Borderline Personality Disorder. Do a search for Posts by 'Downtown'. His knowledge on Bipolar and other disorders is uncanny and should be able to help you..
OldSkool Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 You should be aware that the whole Bi Polar disorder is not a black and white type of illness, but comes in many forms and variations. The primary types of Bi Polar disorder are type I (severe mania & depression, delusions, psychotic breaks, frequent suicide attempts) and type II (hypomania, reckless lifestyle choices, severe depression, etc). Within each of these two categories are various sub categorizations. I have Cyclothymic Disorder http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002517/ which I have been able effectively treat with natural herbs (St. John's Wort, EFAs, Holy Basil and Cannabis) for over five years with no problems. Mental illness is a touchy subject, and the patient needs to be aware of their condition, accept their condition, and truly desire to overcome their illness in order to successfully treat it.
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Feeling Frisky, you just described her to the T. She seems to have a very angry side that does things that she seems is always someone elses fault. she would throw my stuff all over the house, then it would be my fault. At one point, she came barging in my house, started going off on me, with my son sitting next to me. the next day, had no remorse, and it was all my fault, and on, and on, and on.... And distrust, boy did she have it. her ex cheated on her, and i felt she was taking it out all on me. i have tried to tell her she needs counseling, but her response is "you just think i am crazy" she was not like this the first three years, then wham!! i have waited since last September for "her" to come back, but have had to realize she never existed. what i am seeing now is the real her, and have no idea who i was with before. thanks for the insight!! very much so! i am very impressed with your awareness of your situation. makes me humble myself!
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Feeling Frisky, you just described her to the T. She seems to have a very angry side that does things that she seems is always someone elses fault. she would throw my stuff all over the house, then it would be my fault. At one point, she came barging in my house, started going off on me, with my son sitting next to me. the next day, had no remorse, and it was all my fault, and on, and on, and on.... And distrust, boy did she have it. her ex cheated on her, and i felt she was taking it out all on me. i have tried to tell her she needs counseling, but her response is "you just think i am crazy" she was not like this the first three years, then wham!! i have waited since last September for "her" to come back, but have had to realize she never existed. what i am seeing now is the real her, and have no idea who i was with before. thanks for the insight!! very much so! i am very impressed with your awareness of your situation. makes me humble myself! Oh man, that is so unfair to people. We just want to be happy like anybody else and then we meet someone and throw our hearts in not knowing that it can never work because it's impossible to know just who this person is. You get left with questioning yourself--feeling that you've betrayed yourself. That's just like having mental illness be contagious because the sane one suffers most and sometimes takes years or even more than that to figure out the he or she should have seen the signs sooner and cut the losses. These BPD cases have it in their minds that the one thing to never ever do is admit fault or take responsibility for the things that they ruin. Their personality takes defense mechanisms to an extreme, actually cutting off one identity facet from another totally unconsciously to avoid the unknown of "I was was wrong". They CAN'T LEARN from any fight or any reason. They just can't and won't. It's hopeless from the start. But sometimes this is not clear until after you've thrown all your feelings into it. They won't get help--they don't accept imperfection in themselves and avoid the FEELING of admitting they are not perfect. They are toxic people that sometimes come in beautiful packages that entice. Early on I thought of my ex as a "rose of many thorns". When it was all over I was a wreck--a mess of festering thorn pricks. If you find that this is what you experience, it could be a matter of self preservation to simply accept that she has a "complex" that defies logic or reasoning and get away for ever. Best of luck.
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 yes, very unfair, and very sad. yes, she is a very beautiful package. when she is good, she is an angel. kind, fun, such a sweetheart. but these past 10 months or so, she seems to be cybil to some extent. not sure who i am going to get, not sure what is going to set her off. i have had to force myself to accept this. i have been in "denial" so to speak, constantly waiting for "her" to come back. she is a very angry person, and has been since last september. she blames it all on me. she has NEVER apologized for anything she has done, and i am tired of apologizing. i am still having somewhat of a hard time, but have let go, and my logic is overtaking my heart. it has been a very rough few months, my son, my friends, have no idea what the hell happened to her. i appreciate you sharing your experience and wisdom. it has been like a cool glass of water in the middle of the desert.
69ways Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 my fiance left me and thought it was my fault. she ended up saying to me last week that she has lost herself doe not know what she wants and she is is seriously depressed. it runs in her family as her cousin recently committed suicide. she says I am the love if her life and her life is not better without me but she has no answers for me right now but she is thinking of therapy. I understand what you are going through but I cant offer any advice as i don't really know how to deal with it either
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I have been reading some of the posts by 'downtown' and all i have to say is i felt as if i was reading about my ex. i feel sad, but so much relief. i really felt like i was loosing my mind and no matter what i did, nothing pleased her. Also feel it explains why she changed so much all of a sudden. My head feels so much better, but i feel sooo very sorry for her, as she will NEVER admit she has a problem. that is what is so sad....
Downtown Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Airbrne, I agree with Mack and Frisky that the behavior you describe is more like BPD traits, not bipolar traits. What is puzzling, however, is that you noticed it only during the last ten months but not during the first three years. If you two were only casual friends, that would make sense because, until you move closer to a BPDer, you pose no threat of abandonment or engulfment. Yet, if you were in a close LTR for those three years, it is unimaginable to me that her fears would have not been triggered for three years. BPD traits arise from damage to the emotional core occurring at ages 3 and 4. The traits typically start manifesting themselves in the mid- to late-teens, when the person is first trying to establish LTRs outside the family. The only time that the traits vanish (that I have heard of) is during the honeymoon period, which usually lasts up to six months. During that period, the BPDer's infatuation over you makes her feel you are perfectly safe man -- thus holding her two great fears at bay. Yet, as soon as the infatuation evaporates, the fears promptly return and you will find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid triggering the enormous anger lying there under her skin. If she really does have strong BPD traits, the only explanation I can imagine for the honeymoon period to last three years -- an occurrence I've never heard of -- is that you lived apart and only dated casually -- or lived far apart in separate cities. Another possibility is that there were red flags aplenty and you may have chosen to ignore them. How would you explain it, Airbrne?
Mack05 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) Downtown has a point. IF your ex has BPD (I am not convinced she does) you will notice some abnormal behaviour after the honeymoon period. For me it was after 3 months. Myself and my ex had our first major fight and my inner voice said "something aint right here Mack". I had been in 3 long term relationships before this and I had never encountered this kind of strange behaviour. If I was emotionally healthy myself at the time, I would have broken up with her after our first fight (the signs were that obvious). But I stayed and the next 3 months were a constant inner battle. My inner voice said leave. I kept having nightmares about her, everything was telling me to leave. The guy with the low self esteem wanted to work through things and figure it out. That inner battle lead to constant breakups, ups and downs. Just pure toxicity. Arbrne these toxic relationships are the hardest to overcome. A girl suffering from BPD will tend to idealize you early doors. Finally she has found the right guy. Everyone else has let her down, but you are different (or so she will have you believe). Once the honeymoon period ends the signs will shine out like a beacon. Things to watch out for, memory loss/memory problems, vicious mood swings, they become cold and distant (like nothing u have ever encountered), be a bad patient when sick, wanting a life of no Highs or Low (keeping the status quo). Limited coping and communication skills (this should be REALLY obvious). Impulsivity (in my ex's case it was a quick marriage). History of awful family problems. Major Self denial. Major trends of cowardice (Running away and avoiding things then the going gets tough). Hyper sensitivity. Fears of Abandonment..There are many articles on BPD and there is a list of symptoms and tests you can do to determine if your ex has many of the BPD traits. Still if you have never encountered a relationship with a BPD'er, you know something is wrong, but you can't put your finger on it (especially if you have never encountered this type of situation before). Wilsonx posted in another post that people with troubled childhoods (in the main), familes who have been hurt, they are essentially like wolves in sheeps clothing. After the honeymoon period is over and you hurt them in anyway, their retaliation is usually swift and brutal. In their minds its justified. It's a defense mechanism, black and white thinking. You are the bad person and "I am the good person".. They fall out of love with you, faster then they fell in love with you. What's bizarre is, they find nothing abnormal about this kind of behaviour. I have posted this article a few times, I hope it helps -> http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm. It explains the EXACT kind of relationship I had with my ex, right down to the smear campaign. I am not convinced your ex had BPD because if she did you would have seen the signs I mentioned above alot sooner. My head feels so much better, but i feel sooo very sorry for her, as she will NEVER admit she has a problem. that is what is so sad.... This will now be the last piece of advice, I offer on this site for a while. DO NOT (I can't emphaise this enough) make any attempt to let your ex know that she has a problem. I made this mistake of wanting to help my ex. In my head my role in her life, was to let her know she sufferes from Borderline Personality Disorder. Believe me mate our 'help' is not wanted!!. I was advised by many to keep my head layed low, but I decided to send her a book on Borderline Personality Disorder. BIG MISTAKE. Even though we had NC for 2 months she called the Cops!!, because I sent her the book! She knew I did it with kindess in my heart, but called the cops anyway! She then says to me "You tell me that I have a disorder! Seriously.. now with all the "knowledge" you have from your research, good luck in finding a "healtly woman" according to your "new standards"... specially a woman that is not moody, and if she is, will you tell her she is bipolar?" At was that second I realised, never say anything again and never ever look back. Mate you have to do the same. According to my ex, this is all in my head. I never made any attempt to get to know her. Nothing could be further from the truth. The here problem arbrne, is that we think that they have the same thought processe(s) as we do. They don't, they operate on a completely different wavelength. Trying to understand them, change them or make them self aware is a futile exercise, which only drives them further away. From now on when you see her on the street, you look away and you walk on. It is sad, very sad but thats life. Say a prayer for them and hope something, somehow opens their eyes to their predicament. Either way your ex is not your problem and you need to let her take her own path. Forgive her, accept external factors are the cause for her irrational behaviour. Focus on you, not her. Guys that tend to fall for these girls, have personal demons of their own. Water finds its own level. You need to look back honestly over the relationship and figure out where you went wrong from your prespective. Focus on your flaws, focus on being a better man. Learn from your mistakes, so that you don't repeat them in the next relationship. Edited August 15, 2011 by Mack05
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 We dated for 3 years, then she decided she had enough. i tried to work things out with her, and seems as if she wanted to. then after about 2 weeks, it was as if someone flipped a switch. she changed that quick. yes, i did see small hints of her "problems" but blew them off. she would often tell me her life sucked, and i was the best thing that happened. We lived several miles apart, and she worked close to where i live. basically, we only spent the weekends together, but talked often on the phone. the more time i spent at her house, the more of "this person" i saw. she did act very childish and "jr high is" these past 10 months or so. Arbrne these toxic relationships are the hardest to overcome. A girl suffering from BPD will tend to idealize you early doors. Finally she has found the right guy. Everyone else has let her down, but you are different (or so she will have you believe). Once the honeymoon period ends the signs will shine out like a beacon. Things to watch out for, memory loss/memory problems, vicious mood swings, they become cold and distant (like nothing u have ever encountered), be a bad patient when sick, wanting a life of no Highs or Low (keeping the status quo). Limited coping and communication skills (this should be REALLY obvious). Impulsivity (in my ex's case it was a quick marriage). History of awful family problems. Major Self denial. Major trends of cowardice (Running away and avoiding things then the going gets tough). Hyper sensitivity. Fears of Abandonment..There are many articles on BPD and there is a list of symptoms and tests you can do to determine if your ex has many of the BPD traits. she often told me when we first started dating i was different than everyone else. she has serious memory problems. tells me she has said things to me when she did not, and has said horrible things to me and said she did not say them. i would say she has a serious fear of abondoment, she often made comments that she does not know why she hangs on when she should not. Still if you have never encountered a relationship with a BPD'er, you know something is wrong, but you can't put your finger on it (especially if you have never encountered this type of situation before). Wilsonx posted in another post that people with troubled childhoods (in the main), familes who have been hurt, they are essentially like wolves in sheeps clothing. After the honeymoon period is over and you hurt them in anyway, their retaliation is usually swift and brutal. In their minds its justified. It's a defense mechanism, black and white thinking. You are the bad person and "I am the good person".. They fall out of love with you, faster then they fell in love with you. What's bizarre is, they find nothing abnormal about this kind of behaviour. she did have a very troubled childhood. she said she watched her dad beat the (*#&$ out of her mom all the time. and, when i "hurt" her, her reactions was way to extreme, and never forgotten. these past 10 months, there has been nothing i can do to please her, and she always throws the past in my face, and spoke of it in present tense form. i'm talking about things that happened 3 years ago. She thought the whole world was out to get her. she told me her co-workers don't like me. they don't even know me! Please, i am in no way trying to convince anyone here that she has this problem. just pointing out a few. maybe she does not, maybe she just has problems. BUT, like i said, it was if a switch was turned on and now she is this nasty person. my son, who has had the most personal contact, cannot believe what has happened to her. I have been waiting for the old "her" to come back. she told me i pushed her away. i hope i'm not rambling. just hurt, confused, and the last few days i have been very angry.
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 She then says to me "You tell me that I have a disorder! Seriously.. now with all the "knowledge" you have from your research, good luck in finding a "healtly woman" according to your "new standards"... specially a woman that is not moody, and if she is, will you tell her she is bipolar?" At was that second I realised, never say anything again and never ever look back. Mate you have to do the same. According to my ex, this is all in my head. I never made any attempt to get to know her. Nothing could be further from the truth. Mack, Read your link, was like reading my life. scary. re-read your post, and pulled he above out. sounds like something she would say. and she often told me "i don't know who she is" guess she is correct. I still want "her" back, but reality has set in. i am moving on. not easy, but i am.
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