LoneWolfie Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) Hello forum readers, My GF and i are currently on a break she called for. Why? Well, circumstances make it hard for us to spend time together and requires me to travel long distances, and spend quite a bit of money, to be with her. As a result we only see each other in the weekends. These circumstances can only change about 4-5 years from now when she finishes uni, or if i give up my job to move closer to her. For some reason she feels she is just another girl and it is unfair for me to have to give up my job and move to be with her. And also unfair for me to have to wait till she finishes the university course she's working really really hard for and enjoys greatly. My GF has always had this odd tendancy to feel she's not good enough for me, or is a terrible GF, whenever she upsets me or makes a little mistake. She had a teen period with self esteem issues and sexual and emotional abuse and she often mentioned i am the first guy she actually truly loves and feels happy with. I dont mind moving closer to her and getting a new job. And i believe she's definately worth it. But no matter how i try, i cannot seem to make that clear to her. And of course i cannot just quit my job and move close to her now that we are on a break and might break up completely in the near future. All of this appearantly started earlier this year when i came in contact with an old female friend from college and i talk and run into her regularly when i go out in my hometown. It makes my GF feel like she's holding me back. So the past month we have been on a break but still talk to each other on an almost daily basis but not as much or affectionate as before. The past two weekends we met up and hung out, most of the time spent having sex or small talking. Last night she wondered why she's got such a high sexdrive the past weeks. We both concluded it's probably her way of compensating for the lack of affection and contact she gets because of the break. The same thing happened during a two week break early in our relationship, caused by her lying to me about her past and confessing and feeling she was a terrible GF. Luckily on a day-to-day basis the past years she seemed confident and her self esteem issues only showed themselves a handful of times and quickly faded after some reassurance. This is the 2nd time it's bad enough to endanger the relationship and i cannot seem to do anything about it. She still loves me to bits but strongly considers breaking contact or staying friends a safer option, though she's obviously not able to let me go as a BF. And i have to say i dont want to let her go either. I am convinced we can work it out, if she just believes me and lets me move closer to her. I asked her if there was someone else or if she no longer loves me enough, but she said she would have told me if that was the case. Help? How do i save my relationship? Edited August 9, 2011 by LoneWolfie
Sabrina1011 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I say give her one more chance to commit to you and your relationship. If her insecurities still get in the way, bail. The hardest relationships I have ever had were with men with insecurities. It is quite a distraction. She may be immature, or really not sure she wants to be with you. Whatever the reason, don't you want a relationship that will go to the next level instead of being dragged down. I think it may be a deal breaker, at least it would be for me.
Author LoneWolfie Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I say give her one more chance to commit to you and your relationship. If her insecurities still get in the way, bail. The hardest relationships I have ever had were with men with insecurities. It is quite a distraction. She may be immature, or really not sure she wants to be with you. Whatever the reason, don't you want a relationship that will go to the next level instead of being dragged down. I think it may be a deal breaker, at least it would be for me. Well i have insecurities myself and i am very patient with hers. And aside from the break we had a few years ago when we first dated, and this break now, i honestly do not feel her insecurities has ever bothered me. Like i said in my first post, on a daily basis it hardly ever showed, and i get a big smile whenever she proudly shows off something she achieved.
Pierre Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Hello forum readers, My GF and i are currently on a break she called for. Why? Well, circumstances make it hard for us to spend time together and requires me to travel long distances, and spend quite a bit of money, to be with her. As a result we only see each other in the weekends. These circumstances can only change about 4-5 years from now when she finishes uni, or if i give up my job to move closer to her. For some reason she feels she is just another girl and it is unfair for me to have to give up my job and move to be with her. And also unfair for me to have to wait till she finishes the university course she's working really really hard for and enjoys greatly. My GF has always had this odd tendancy to feel she's not good enough for me, or is a terrible GF, whenever she upsets me or makes a little mistake. She had a teen period with self esteem issues and sexual and emotional abuse and she often mentioned i am the first guy she actually truly loves and feels happy with. I dont mind moving closer to her and getting a new job. And i believe she's definately worth it. But no matter how i try, i cannot seem to make that clear to her. And of course i cannot just quit my job and move close to her now that we are on a break and might break up completely in the near future. All of this appearantly started earlier this year when i came in contact with an old female friend from college and i talk and run into her regularly when i go out in my hometown. It makes my GF feel like she's holding me back. So the past month we have been on a break but still talk to each other on an almost daily basis but not as much or affectionate as before. The past two weekends we met up and hung out, most of the time spent having sex or small talking. Last night she wondered why she's got such a high sexdrive the past weeks. We both concluded it's probably her way of compensating for the lack of affection and contact she gets because of the break. The same thing happened during a two week break early in our relationship, caused by her lying to me about her past and confessing and feeling she was a terrible GF. Luckily on a day-to-day basis the past years she seemed confident and her self esteem issues only showed themselves a handful of times and quickly faded after some reassurance. This is the 2nd time it's bad enough to endanger the relationship and i cannot seem to do anything about it. She still loves me to bits but strongly considers breaking contact or staying friends a safer option, though she's obviously not able to let me go as a BF. And i have to say i dont want to let her go either. I am convinced we can work it out, if she just believes me and lets me move closer to her. I asked her if there was someone else or if she no longer loves me enough, but she said she would have told me if that was the case. Help? How do i save my relationship? She has low self esteem and hence she thinks she is not good enough for you. This will never change and I suggest you end the relationship. She may be happy with someone that is way below her, but even then she will feel insecure. If she stays with you she could even cheat with someone that is less than you in the food chain just to treat her low self esteem. Not worth it!
Author LoneWolfie Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I used to think i wasnt good enough for her, but eventually i accepted that she feels im the most awesome boyfriend she could have, just by being me, even if it didnt make sense to me. I just accepted it and enjoyed it. And earlier this year i started feeling much better about myself and my self esteem improved. Just wish i could make her understand the way she made me do.
Author LoneWolfie Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Well, it's 3 months down the line during which we stayed casual friends and many times it became clear that she felt crap about the break-up. During this time there was still an amount of attention and affection from both sides. Sadly the past week she's been busy and there has been practically 0 attempt from her to talk or do anything with me, preferring to spend her time with other friends, both male and female. This weekend she was online a lot, but again made no move what so ever to talk to me, and my attempts at small talk only got minimal replies. Today i asked her what was bothering her since she seemed so quiet lately, and i told her i miss her a lot. (mistake?..) She barely replied and seemingly got very annoyed when i asked her again why she was so annoyed and grumpy. She replied that there was "a lot of sh**" making her grumpy, including me not shutting up. So thats when i decided to tell her i would leave her alone, and i removed her from my MSN, though didnt block her. I decided not to contact her again as i think i have been very lenient and friendly to her dispite really wanting her back as my GF. Sure, maybe i voiced wanting her back too often but what do you expect when you dump a guy after 3 years and want to stay friends? I deserve better than this. Bah, it sucks i didnt go into NC 3 months ago. It's probably too late to help her change her mind about breaking up over her self esteem issues. But atleast i can properly move on i suppose.
phineas Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 When someone needs "space" or you go on a break it's because they usually got someone else lined up & want to cheat without cheating. If a woman told me she needs "space" I give her all the space she requires & seek other women. If a woman wants a break I tell them we are either broken up or together. So far i've only had one woman in my life give that crap. I divorced her. She was cheating. OP, delete her from your life. Far as i'm concerned when it comes to women that verbally exhibit low self-esteem, it's BS. If they honestly thought they had nothing to offer me in the looks department, they wouldn't be wasting their time seeking my attention. Period. The whole "i'm not good enough for you" spiel is usually something women do to justify the crap their about to pull. My experience for what it's worth.
Author LoneWolfie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 When someone needs "space" or you go on a break it's because they usually got someone else lined up & want to cheat without cheating. If a woman told me she needs "space" I give her all the space she requires & seek other women. If a woman wants a break I tell them we are either broken up or together. So far i've only had one woman in my life give that crap. I divorced her. She was cheating. OP, delete her from your life. Far as i'm concerned when it comes to women that verbally exhibit low self-esteem, it's BS. If they honestly thought they had nothing to offer me in the looks department, they wouldn't be wasting their time seeking my attention. Period. The whole "i'm not good enough for you" spiel is usually something women do to justify the crap their about to pull. My experience for what it's worth. You could be right, but some of her behaviour would kinda poke holes in that theory. For example, the past 3 months she has hardly ever gone out or done anything with her friends, spending most of her time chatting on MSN, including lots with me. I guess if there indeed is another guy it would be some guy she met online, but i have no proof of that. The break turned into a break-up somewhere along the past 3 months. My attempts to try to convince her she's good enough were met with frustration on her part, so i gave up on that. Since it's her birthday tomorrow i sent her a online birthday card and told her she can tell me when she "can be arsed" to talk to me again and that i wont approach her again till then. Ball is in her court now, she can come to me to talk about fixing stuff, or not. I'm done chasing her, i got a life to rebuild.
Stung Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I am sorry, OP. It has also been my experience, in many years of dating, that when men or women start talking about needing space or wanting a break to think about things or not being good enough, that 90% of the time (yes, okay, I am making up this statistic to be illustrative) that is their cowardly way of half-assing a very real breakup. They think they're letting you down gently, but in reality they're prolonging the agony and denying you closure, if you are the type to actually take them at their word. And what makes it worse is there is always that niggling doubt even if you do take it as a breakup, because there ARE those rare souls who mean those things when they say them. Something to think about now: she has shown you very clearly that her conflict resolution skills are extremely poor. She is indirect and kind of cowardly at best, and a liar at worst--and that is all besides the issue of her self-esteem. The truth is, whether she meant it or not, she was right--she's not really good enough for you, or at least for the kind of relationship you wanted to have with her. You might not see it now, but in six months I believe you will realize that you don't want her back anymore, and that you have learned something new about the kind of woman and relationship you DO want, one that's more mature, with better communication and interpersonal skills.
Author LoneWolfie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 I suppose you are right Stung. There is a fair chance her self esteem issues are indeed real. She has long suffered from poor self esteem and easily getting jealous of other women, even female friends of mine. Appearantly i did something to piss her off or annoy her, or she is "done" needing me, because she did not reply to the e-mail and message i sent her, but a friend of mine added her to his MSN and appearantly she seemed chatty as usual. It's going to be hard putting her out of my mind and moving on. Really really hard. I was going to marry this girl some day.
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