Can you ever really get over an affair?

[Will_miss_rk]

Your welcome. I posted the whole story here three years ago.

 

I agree with you. I don't find myself caring about all the things I used to to make her happy. It's not that I don't love/care about her, you just know that the feeling of loved/being loved unconditionally really isn't there anymore after the affair.

 

 

Do you have the link? I wouldn't mind reading it.

[Will_miss_rk]

I dont think I could which I why I have started separation with my wife from the start. Theres no way I could ever get over it. However we were only married a year which is why I feel this way. She didnt care about the marriage from the beginning so why should I care about her.

 

Whether it be a one year or twenty years, I don't think you really get over it. You can convince yourself that you are better off staying because your other options aren't as attractive but I just don't think you really get over it. From the moment you find out about the affair a big part of you changes and you never see life the same again. In a way it changes your whole perspective of life, not just that particular relationship.

[Will_miss_rk]

I knew the instant Dday hit I would never get over it, but I pushed all that aside and kept trying.

 

I always knew it was a deal breaker- and I think I could have saved all of us a lot of time, money and trouble had I just accepted my intuition and left.

 

But it is very difficult, especially with children.

 

I think each of us knows innately whether or not it is a deal breaker.... Some can do it and still have a great life...this forum seems to have some of those people on it....others can stay, but their lives will forever have a stain that haunts them and they won't ever have a truly 'happy place'...and there are those like me, who knew in an instant that it was over but it just took time (and lots of pain) to acknowledge and accept it.

 

Listen to your gut

 

Your experience sounds similar to mine. Like the poster above said, when your partner cheats the unconditional love you had is totally obliterated, there still is love, but it isn't the same unguarded love you had previously. You can probably go on with the relationship but it would be a little sadder, a little emptier and never complete.

 

It sounds like you ended your relationship. How long did you stay before you decided to end it?

Edited August 12, 2011 by Will_miss_rk

[carrie999]

The deceit and lack of respect it took for the my spouse to have a relationship outside the marriage for a number of months just shows how much the marriage meant her. How am I to really believe that things will work out when she has shown that the marriage really means so little to her. I could understand an affair where you just had a moment of weakness but to go on for months, texting, calling, dating and having sex without having enough guilt to stop the affair tells you something about that person and the lack of respect they have for you. It is a person like that, you are suppose to build a strong foundation with again. Seems pretty unlikely even with a strong effort by both parties. To sum it up, I agree that infidelity strikes at the very core of the relationship and almost always causes irreparable damage.

 

I had this exact conversation with my MM today. I said that having an affair has actually made me less tolerant to infidelity than I was before this. I never could have dealt with an actual affair, but I might have been able to handle my spouse coming to me and saying, "I kissed someone else. I was weak, it was a mistake, and I'll never do it again." The trust may have been shattered beyond repair, but I probably would have tried. Same with an actual (shorter lived) affair if the marriage was lifelong (30-40+ years) and I had truly been an absentee wife. I'd feel like I should at least try.

 

I can't say I would if I caught them rather that him telling me about it in the most anguished way. I'd be too angry and betrayed by his lack of honesty to see straight, or ever consider really forgiving him.

 

MM said that having been involved in an affair changed him and softened him this much: if he walked in on his wife with someone else, he might pause and think just long enough to walk away forever, completely dissolved in tears, rather than throwing the guy out a window first.

[woinlove]

Will_miss_rk, from everything you write it sounds like you lean toward ending the M. I haven't been in your situation and I know a lot of people say infidelity is a deal breaker for them, but when it happens to them, they often respond differently. However, I think a lot of things have to line up in order for a M to recover. No one can build a foundation with the type of person who leads a double life for months or longer. So the WS has to really want to change and be capable of change. Real change is difficult and takes strong commitment and a WS has shown themselves to be lacking on commitment. Some do change, but it doesn't seem to be a process achieved in months, but in years, and typically involves professional counselling. One must have to have a lot of strong positives with the WS in order to commit to working with them in such a process with no guarantees.

[Maladjusted]

Do you have the link? I wouldn't mind reading it.

 

Here you go: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158015/

[drifter777]

What stood out for me was that she is begging for you to stay. Which in other words means that she is using a form of psychological manipulation on you (guilt tripping mostly), without respecting, and perhaps playing on your own feelings (i.e that you seem to want to leave her).

 

Will_miss_rk: this is what I've been trying to communicate to you - but S U did it much better than I have.

 

My wife also begged me to stay and used other forms of psychological manipulation (crying, sex, promises, etc.). I was so confused by her behavior that I just went into instant survival mode. It was a fact that I was hurting, I didn't want to be alone, I loved my son and didn't want to abandon him and, most importantly, I just wanted the pain to stop. I stayed. I shoved all of my anger, hurt, and shame into some dark corner of my mind and just told myself "time will heal this" and tried to move forward. This was a bad mistake and cost me even more pain down the road. You know this story and it's why I urge you to focus on taking care of yourself because no one else will, that I guarantee you.

 

I have always wished I would have walked away from my wife that day and taken some time to decide whether I wanted to even try to reconcile. Hindsight is 20/20 so I really don't beat myself up about it, but I do remember the confused state I was in so vividly that I always advise a betrayed husband to get away from his cheating, conniving, manipulative wife so he can make the decision that is best for HIM. You should not put your children, hurt, anger, or your loneliness first - you need to put yourself first so you are able to address these other issues honestly.

 

Hate to be a broken record, but it seems you are still struggling with the decision and I'm just trying to help by giving you the perspective of someone who's been there.

[Severely Unamused]

That is the million dollar question. Once the kids leave and it's just me and her, I have to know that I will enjoy the rest of my life spending time with the women. Honestly, the next several months will be dedicated to answering that very question. So far it doesn't look so good.

 

You're going to stay for the kids? That's up to you. How old are they?

 

In my personal experience, the grass is not greener on the other side. Don't expect her to suddenly decide "maybe I should be putting more effort into working on the marriage" out of the blue. Deep down, people rarely change. Just doesn't happen.

 

Anyway, good luck.

[Will_miss_rk]

Will_miss_rk: this is what I've been trying to communicate to you - but S U did it much better than I have.

 

My wife also begged me to stay and used other forms of psychological manipulation (crying, sex, promises, etc.). I was so confused by her behavior that I just went into instant survival mode. It was a fact that I was hurting, I didn't want to be alone, I loved my son and didn't want to abandon him and, most importantly, I just wanted the pain to stop. I stayed. I shoved all of my anger, hurt, and shame into some dark corner of my mind and just told myself "time will heal this" and tried to move forward. This was a bad mistake and cost me even more pain down the road. You know this story and it's why I urge you to focus on taking care of yourself because no one else will, that I guarantee you.

 

I have always wished I would have walked away from my wife that day and taken some time to decide whether I wanted to even try to reconcile. Hindsight is 20/20 so I really don't beat myself up about it, but I do remember the confused state I was in so vividly that I always advise a betrayed husband to get away from his cheating, conniving, manipulative wife so he can make the decision that is best for HIM. You should not put your children, hurt, anger, or your loneliness first - you need to put yourself first so you are able to address these other issues honestly.

 

Hate to be a broken record, but it seems you are still struggling with the decision and I'm just trying to help by giving you the perspective of someone who's been there.

 

Time away is probably the best. After a few weeks I did leave for a couple of days but came back because I felt bad for the kids. During those 2 days I felt a lot calmer which made me feel like leaving permanently would be best for me individually. Even during times when I picture myself on my own I don't feel the burden of the affair bearing down on me and causing me so much pain. Honestly, during the 1st few weeks after D day the emotions are so overwhelming that it is very difficult to know what to do. You try to think about everyone involved but in reality you should only be thinking of yourself, just like you said. The best choice is going to be the one that makes me happy and from now on that is what i'm going to do. THANKS for you help.

[Will_miss_rk]

I had this exact conversation with my MM today. I said that having an affair has actually made me less tolerant to infidelity than I was before this. I never could have dealt with an actual affair, but I might have been able to handle my spouse coming to me and saying, "I kissed someone else. I was weak, it was a mistake, and I'll never do it again." The trust may have been shattered beyond repair, but I probably would have tried. Same with an actual (shorter lived) affair if the marriage was lifelong (30-40+ years) and I had truly been an absentee wife. I'd feel like I should at least try.

 

I can't say I would if I caught them rather that him telling me about it in the most anguished way. I'd be too angry and betrayed by his lack of honesty to see straight, or ever consider really forgiving him.

 

MM said that having been involved in an affair changed him and softened him this much: if he walked in on his wife with someone else, he might pause and think just long enough to walk away forever, completely dissolved in tears, rather than throwing the guy out a window first.

 

Your thoughts from your side of the affair are very interesting, thanks for sharing.

[Will_miss_rk]

Here you go: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158015/

 

Thanks, I appreciate it.

[Will_miss_rk]

You're going to stay for the kids? That's up to you. How old are they?

 

In my personal experience, the grass is not greener on the other side. Don't expect her to suddenly decide "maybe I should be putting more effort into working on the marriage" out of the blue. Deep down, people rarely change. Just doesn't happen.

 

Anyway, good luck.

 

 

My girls are 15 and 12. I think they may be old enough to not be too affected.

 

What worries more than my wife not changing is that I have changed too much from the affair in the way I view her now. Before I let her shortcomings not get to me too much because I figured she deserved the benefit of the doubt and always cut her a break. Now, I feel less inclined to feel compassion for her or care when she feels bad. I keep thinking that she really didn't care about my feelings much for 6 months, why the hell should care if things are going well for her.

[Will_miss_rk]

Will_miss_rk, from everything you write it sounds like you lean toward ending the M. I haven't been in your situation and I know a lot of people say infidelity is a deal breaker for them, but when it happens to them, they often respond differently. However, I think a lot of things have to line up in order for a M to recover. No one can build a foundation with the type of person who leads a double life for months or longer. So the WS has to really want to change and be capable of change. Real change is difficult and takes strong commitment and a WS has shown themselves to be lacking on commitment. Some do change, but it doesn't seem to be a process achieved in months, but in years, and typically involves professional counselling. One must have to have a lot of strong positives with the WS in order to commit to working with them in such a process with no guarantees.

 

It's a difficult mountain to climb. Not sure if I'm really up for a multi year commitment that is required to get the marriage back on track. Right now I'm just taking it day to day and letting me emotions settle down and looking for advise from this board and counseling. Believe it or not I feel the advice I have gotten here has been more valuable than what I have gotten from counseling so far.

[Will_miss_rk]

Will_miss_rk: this is what I've been trying to communicate to you - but S U did it much better than I have.

 

My wife also begged me to stay and used other forms of psychological manipulation (crying, sex, promises, etc.). I was so confused by her behavior that I just went into instant survival mode. It was a fact that I was hurting, I didn't want to be alone, I loved my son and didn't want to abandon him and, most importantly, I just wanted the pain to stop. I stayed. I shoved all of my anger, hurt, and shame into some dark corner of my mind and just told myself "time will heal this" and tried to move forward. This was a bad mistake and cost me even more pain down the road. You know this story and it's why I urge you to focus on taking care of yourself because no one else will, that I guarantee you.

 

I have always wished I would have walked away from my wife that day and taken some time to decide whether I wanted to even try to reconcile. Hindsight is 20/20 so I really don't beat myself up about it, but I do remember the confused state I was in so vividly that I always advise a betrayed husband to get away from his cheating, conniving, manipulative wife so he can make the decision that is best for HIM. You should not put your children, hurt, anger, or your loneliness first - you need to put yourself first so you are able to address these other issues honestly.

 

Hate to be a broken record, but it seems you are still struggling with the decision and I'm just trying to help by giving you the perspective of someone who's been there.

 

Drifter77,

 

Do you ever think of leaving your wife after all the years of reconciliation you went through already? Do you think you really ever got over your wife's affair?

[manup]

I had this exact conversation with my MM today. I said that having an affair has actually made me less tolerant to infidelity than I was before this. I never could have dealt with an actual affair, but I might have been able to handle my spouse coming to me and saying, "I kissed someone else. I was weak, it was a mistake, and I'll never do it again." The trust may have been shattered beyond repair, but I probably would have tried. Same with an actual (shorter lived) affair if the marriage was lifelong (30-40+ years) and I had truly been an absentee wife. I'd feel like I should at least try.

 

I can't say I would if I caught them rather that him telling me about it in the most anguished way. I'd be too angry and betrayed by his lack of honesty to see straight, or ever consider really forgiving him.

 

MM said that having been involved in an affair changed him and softened him this much: if he walked in on his wife with someone else, he might pause and think just long enough to walk away forever, completely dissolved in tears, rather than throwing the guy out a window first.

You do realize you're with a cheater right and that you were one too? The likelihood of cheating occurring again is really high.

[londonmummy]

I too have been asking myself if it is worth staying

It has been almost 1 year since I found out about affair and I discovered the affair was not told.

 

I have 2 children and I am very unhappy but I hope I can get over it and move on but as I still am in so much pain leaving feels like the easiest option at times.

Good luck with what ever you decide

[drifter777]

Drifter77,

 

Do you ever think of leaving your wife after all the years of reconciliation you went through already? Do you think you really ever got over your wife's affair?

 

Yes, I thought of it many times. I think two things kept me from leaving: 1) she never strayed again or gave me any reason to suspect her of cheating a second time and 2) inertia: it was easier to stay then to leave and make a new life.

 

Up until about 6 months ago I was strongly considering leaving her because I knew she wasn't truly sorry for what she did and actually considered it an "important learning experience" for her. We had numerous, heated discussions about this and she finally admitted that what she did was selfish, immature and terribly hurtful to me. There was no good that came from it and it has caused us both years of bitterness and resentment.

 

As for getting over what she did, no. I am letting go of the anger since she has stopped hanging on to her BS about there being a silver lining to it, but I'm not sure I can ever forgive her. I also realize that my definition of forgiveness is much more stringent than most peoples, but my feelings are my feelings and therefor cannot be wrong.

[Will_miss_rk]

I too have been asking myself if it is worth staying

It has been almost 1 year since I found out about affair and I discovered the affair was not told.

 

I have 2 children and I am very unhappy but I hope I can get over it and move on but as I still am in so much pain leaving feels like the easiest option at times.

Good luck with what ever you decide

 

Why did you stay? Did you stay for the kids?

 

I would have to agree with you that leaving feels like the easiest option. The path to stay and try to rebuild is a painful and arduous journey to say the least. For what it's worth, even if you do decide to leave later on, you can at least say you tried your best to make it work. No one should have to make decisions this difficult in life. The hardest part is everyday has hurt associated with it once you find out about the betrayal and finding happiness is a real struggle. I feel like everyday, I'm on the outside looking in when it comes to life now. I used to be the carefree guy who didn't have things like this happen to him. Now, I'm just a statistic hoping one day my life can be back to normal even though I won't happen. Only way I feel that can come close to happening is if I leave but that presents a whole other set of problems.

[Will_miss_rk]

Yes, I thought of it many times. I think two things kept me from leaving: 1) she never strayed again or gave me any reason to suspect her of cheating a second time and 2) inertia: it was easier to stay then to leave and make a new life.

 

Up until about 6 months ago I was strongly considering leaving her because I knew she wasn't truly sorry for what she did and actually considered it an "important learning experience" for her. We had numerous, heated discussions about this and she finally admitted that what she did was selfish, immature and terribly hurtful to me. There was no good that came from it and it has caused us both years of bitterness and resentment.

 

As for getting over what she did, no. I am letting go of the anger since she has stopped hanging on to her BS about there being a silver lining to it, but I'm not sure I can ever forgive her. I also realize that my definition of forgiveness is much more stringent than most peoples, but my feelings are my feelings and therefor cannot be wrong.

 

I like what you said that "my feelings are my feelings and therefore cannot be wrong". I believe this is to be too true. I've been taking your advice and trying to give myself more time away from the wife and figure out what I want to do without her trying to sway my decision too much. If I get in touch with what I feel and what I really want to do then I think I will make the right decision. Unfortunately, any decision I make will be painful which is why staying or leaving isn't a winning proposition no matter what the ultimate decision is.

 

If you don't mind answering a few more questions, I would like to know if you think you would have been happier if you had just left at some point instead of staying. Have there been enough happy times during your reconciliation to make up for the pain of the infidelity? Overall, do you think you are happier for staying? Do you still love your wife? Do you still respect your wife?

[carrie999]

Your thoughts from your side of the affair are very interesting, thanks for sharing.

 

Thank you. I wish you the best.

[carrie999]

You do realize you're with a cheater right and that you were one too? The likelihood of cheating occurring again is really high.

 

I'm resisting the impulsive and obvious sarcastic responses. Yes, I cheated, and yes, I'm with a cheater. Statistically, the odds for cheating in our relationship may be higher, but I'm not worried. If anything, I'm less worried than I would be in a "normal" relationship for a lot of reasons. If there's anything anyone can learn from this board, cheating can happen in the best relationships. And (looking at suren and some others), cheating can actually bring two people closer together. More often, it divides them. But no situation is "typical" or completely predictable. People are unique, and a relationship between two people is that much more unique.

[carrie999]

The deceit and lack of respect it took for the my spouse to have a relationship outside the marriage for a number of months just shows how much the marriage meant her. How am I to really believe that things will work out when she has shown that the marriage really means so little to her. I could understand an affair where you just had a moment of weakness but to go on for months, texting, calling, dating and having sex without having enough guilt to stop the affair tells you something about that person and the lack of respect they have for you. It is a person like that, you are suppose to build a strong foundation with again. Seems pretty unlikely even with a strong effort by both parties. To sum it up, I agree that infidelity strikes at the very core of the relationship and almost always causes irreparable damage.

 

Exactly. I'm so sorry you're going through this. (((((Hugs)))))

[drifter777]

I like what you said that "my feelings are my feelings and therefore cannot be wrong". I believe this is to be too true. I've been taking your advice and trying to give myself more time away from the wife and figure out what I want to do without her trying to sway my decision too much. If I get in touch with what I feel and what I really want to do then I think I will make the right decision. Unfortunately, any decision I make will be painful which is why staying or leaving isn't a winning proposition no matter what the ultimate decision is.

 

If you don't mind answering a few more questions, I would like to know if you think you would have been happier if you had just left at some point instead of staying. Have there been enough happy times during your reconciliation to make up for the pain of the infidelity? Overall, do you think you are happier for staying? Do you still love your wife? Do you still respect your wife?

 

The questions are difficult to answer because of the broad length of time that has encompassed our relationship from then until now.

 

1) looking at the entirety of our relationship, I believe I should have not allowed my wife to coerce me into trying to reconcile. I am sure that at my young age (26) at the time that I would NOT have chosen to reconcile if I would have had a few weeks to sort out my feelings.

 

2) since I chose to stay and accept her being sorry for hurting me but not sorry for the experience, what followed is on me. Three years later she wanted another child and, after some heated discussions, I agreed. We had a daughter and then another son two years later. The many joys of being a father are something I would never trade. I love my children and am devoted to them even now that they are grown. However, had I chosen to start my life over instead of stay and tough it out I may have met another woman and had children with her and ended up with all the same experiences of fatherhood without the ongoing memories of a cheating wife. Tough call.

 

3) I will never know if I am happier staying because I can't know what the other path would have been like. I do love my wife and respect her much more since she has finally taken full responsibility for her cheating.

 

If I could turn back time then I am confident that I would have walked away and started a new life. That new life would have included staying close to my young son and doing everything possible to be a good father to him. I believe that rolling the dice on a different life back then would have resulted in most of the good times I have experienced in this life without the pain, anger, shame and hurt caused by the mental images of her and OM and her refusal to admit that she acted like a selfish whore and it caused only pain for both of us.

 

Remember that this is my life experience and, as they say, your mileage may vary. Use it as a data-point and trust that reconciliation is a very, very difficult journey and may take much longer than you - or many others on LS - realize. Recovery is much like PTSD in that the mental images can pop up at any time. These images force you to re-live the incident and set off your emotional response as if it were d-day all over again. It's up to you and you can take as long as it takes to make your decision.

[PatFinkle]

drifter,

 

maybe you would start to feel better if you evened the score.

 

I realize I might be flamed for suggesting a revenge affair but....

 

....if your wife doesn't like it.....

 

....there's the door, honey....

[drifter777]

I'm resisting the impulsive and obvious sarcastic responses. Yes, I cheated, and yes, I'm with a cheater. Statistically, the odds for cheating in our relationship may be higher, but I'm not worried. If anything, I'm less worried than I would be in a "normal" relationship for a lot of reasons. If there's anything anyone can learn from this board, cheating can happen in the best relationships. And (looking at suren and some others), cheating can actually bring two people closer together. More often, it divides them. But no situation is "typical" or completely predictable. People are unique, and a relationship between two people is that much more unique.

 

This (bolded) is bullsh*t and I'm sick and tired of reading it. Ask anyone who says this if choices other than cheating such as marriage and/or individual counseling or a trial separation could have brought them closer together. These options are no more difficult then reconciliation after cheating and eliminate the need for rebuilding the trust that was shattered by the cheater.

 

People cheat because it's exciting and it feels good. If it indeed results in the married couple rebuilding their relationship and they now say that things are better it doesn't mean that the choice to cheat was the right thing to do. Cheating was the easy, fun thing to do and it just so happened that things ended up better in their relationship but the same could have been accomplished by other means.