Will_miss_rk Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) I just found out 2 1/2 months ago that my spouse cheated. So far the hurt and anger has been too much for me to ever think I could get over the affair. Are their BS out there who have stuck by their spouse through such a traumatic event and felt the better for it that could advise me on how to get over the affair. They say time heals all wounds but I can't really see how I won't have too much resentment even after 7 or 8 years. Please, anybody is their any constructive advice you can give I guy trying to keep his family together by staying. At this point I don't see anyone can really get over an affair even though they might stay together years after the affair. Edited August 9, 2011 by Will_miss_rk
manup Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Why do you want to stick with her? Children are a bad reason btw.
Author Will_miss_rk Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Why do you want to stick with her? Children are a bad reason btw. Children. Why are they a bad reason?
drifter777 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I just found out 2 1/2 months ago that my spouse cheated. So far the hurt and anger has been too much for me to ever think I could get over the affair. Are their BS out there who have stuck by their spouse through such a traumatic event and felt the better for it that could advise me on how to get over the affair. They say time heals all wounds but I can't really see how I won't have too much resentment even after 7 or 8 years. Please, anybody is their any constructive advice you can give I guy trying to keep his family together by staying. At this point I don't see anyone can really get over an affair even though they might stay together years after the affair. Time definitely does NOT heal all wounds, so stop counting on a miracle like that. Recovery from such a betrayal is a process, and it does take time. You need to face the truth of what your wife did and feel all of the strong emotions this generates. You need to work with a counselor so you have someone you can talk to that is really in your corner. Marriage counseling is not something I recommend, but it might be valuable to you. The bottom line for you at this point is to focus on your own recovery and do the things that you believe are best for you. If being around your wife is difficult because of the hurt she caused and the shame and anger you feel, you might want to consider a separation until you have some time to decide whether your marriage is worth the pain and effort of attempting reconciliation. It's something only you can decide, and there is no wrong answer. Do what is best for you.
KathyM Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I just found out 2 1/2 months ago that my spouse cheated. So far the hurt and anger has been too much for me to ever think I could get over the affair. Are their BS out there who have stuck by their spouse through such a traumatic event and felt the better for it that could advise me on how to get over the affair. They say time heals all wounds but I can't really see how I won't have too much resentment even after 7 or 8 years. Please, anybody is their any constructive advice you can give I guy trying to keep his family together by staying. At this point I don't see anyone can really get over an affair even though they might stay together years after the affair. Although I've never been in that situation myself, I've been reading a lot of material on how to get over an affair, since I am studying to be a marriage and family therapist. From what I've read, you never do get over it completely. Once the trust is broken, it never truly comes back entirely. There will always be that sadness in the back of your mind that sometimes comes to the forefront. The way to get past it as much as possible is to slowly reestablish trust in the relationship. That means for the WS to be accountable for his whereabouts at all times. That means the WS needs to be remorseful and demonstrate that to the BS. In order to be trusted again, the WS needs to prove they can be trusted. That is a slow process that will take a lot of time. Those two things--remorse and accountability--are what helps to reestablish trust and helps to get past an affair.
Allisha Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Children. Why are they a bad reason? 1) Your children (no matter how old) will pick up that something isn't right. It's just a gut feeling. 2) Children should be raised in the best circumstances, with parents being the best people they can be. This isn't always achieved in marriage if you're not truly happy. 3) YOU deserve happiness. Your spouse broke their marriage vows. You shouldn't have to put up with that if you can't forgive it. Don't only do the best for your children, but yourself, too.
anne1707 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 This is still very early on in the recovery process - to still feel anger at this stage is very normal. But you need to find a away of dealing with that anger - are you doing MC? You need to find a way which will allow you to express yourself and what you need etc from your wife (just as she needs to express herself) so that you find a way to either successfully reconcile or to part as amicably as you can.
Bugz Bunny Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Yes time heals all wounds but it wouldn't happen if I decided to stay with her because looking at her would be a daily reminder of pain... Now some years later I am a happier person and I am a happier and better parent for my child... But it's my story,not yours...only you decide what makes you happy Good luck whatever you decide to do...
rafallus Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Some people can get over it, some cannot. That doesn't imply any superiority of former group in any way.
misternoname Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Honest answer...no. Her affair would creep into my head at odd times. I never regained 100% trust. Eventually divorced. Best thing I ever did. It's nice to live life without a cloud of doubt hanging over my head.
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 it depends on what you call "getting over" it. If it means you can forget about it, then no, you will never get over it. If it means you don't forget, but it just doesn't bother you anymore, then yes, you can get over it.
silktricks Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Some people can get over an affair, some cannot. I have heard (though have never seen evidence to support) that women can generally speaking recover better than men can. My husband and I have recovered our marriage, are 7+ years out and very happy. But, it took a LOT of work and we went through a LOT of pain in the process. For us it was worth it, for others it may not be. There is no choice that is right for everyone. Only you can decide for you. I will warn you that in recovery - patience is a virtue. It's not a weeks or months kinda thing. Think years.
Owl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Some people can get over it, some cannot. That doesn't imply any superiority of former group in any way. This is one of the best observations I've seen on this forum for a long, long time. Absolutely correct. Some can forgive and deal with the aftermath...some cannot. Its just a function of who you are and how you cope and deal with things...there's nothing wrong at all with either way that people 'deal' with this kind of situation. It just is what it is.
bentnotbroken Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I personally believe you can get over an affair....if you want to. If there is a conscious intent to heal...you will heal. However, I do not believe that "getting over" an affair means that you will forget the affair. It simply means that it get put in a it's proper place. It will be put in the category of things that change who you are forever, but don't define you who you are forever. "Getting over it" does not mean that you have to forgive the other person, like the other person or have a relationship with the other person. It simply means that I choose to move forward only looking back occasionally to see how far one has come from the pain of an affair. It means that the affair has been stripped of it's power to continue to wound. The pain has been given the boot. For that to happen, one might choose to leave the WS or stay with the WS. So yes, I believe you can get over an affair...as long as you beat the hell out of it and regain your power.
Maladjusted Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 My wife and I reconciled after her affair. It's been a little over three years for me and I wonder if I will ever get over it. I sometimes wonder if I would have been happier if I had decided on getting a divorce. I didn't want my son to grow up the same way I did, without a father really being there or him being raised/living with another man. However, I don't think about it as often as I used to, but it is still there. I think once the sanctity of the marriage has been broken it's really, really hard to get that back.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I just found out 2 1/2 months ago that my spouse cheated. So far the hurt and anger has been too much for me to ever think I could get over the affair. Are their BS out there who have stuck by their spouse through such a traumatic event and felt the better for it that could advise me on how to get over the affair. They say time heals all wounds but I can't really see how I won't have too much resentment even after 7 or 8 years. Please, anybody is their any constructive advice you can give I guy trying to keep his family together by staying. At this point I don't see anyone can really get over an affair even though they might stay together years after the affair. It can happen, but you BOTH have to be committed. It takes a huge amount of effort your chances are fairly low, and it can mentally screw your kids in the process. If that risk is worth taking to you... then go for it.
Tech_E Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 My wife and I reconciled after her affair. It's been a little over three years for me and I wonder if I will ever get over it. I sometimes wonder if I would have been happier if I had decided on getting a divorce. I didn't want my son to grow up the same way I did, without a father really being there or him being raised/living with another man. However, I don't think about it as often as I used to, but it is still there. I think once the sanctity of the marriage has been broken it's really, really hard to get that back. I totally agree with this post. Regarding your second point for me once the sanctity of marriage is broken it is broken period. It cannot be recovered. As I have said before the relationship CAN continue but the marriage is null and void. For me the larger issue is that the person that cheated has proved that they are capable of cheating. They may never again but they have already proved they are capable of the act.
KathyM Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I personally believe you can get over an affair....if you want to. If there is a conscious intent to heal...you will heal. However, I do not believe that "getting over" an affair means that you will forget the affair. It simply means that it get put in a it's proper place. It will be put in the category of things that change who you are forever, but don't define you who you are forever. "Getting over it" does not mean that you have to forgive the other person, like the other person or have a relationship with the other person. It simply means that I choose to move forward only looking back occasionally to see how far one has come from the pain of an affair. It means that the affair has been stripped of it's power to continue to wound. The pain has been given the boot. For that to happen, one might choose to leave the WS or stay with the WS. So yes, I believe you can get over an affair...as long as you beat the hell out of it and regain your power. "Getting over" an affair means putting it in the past so that it doesn't harm your present or future. It doesn't mean forgetting, since that would not be possible. It means deciding that is something that happened in the past, but like you said, not letting it define your relationship. And regaining trust over time (usually a period of several years). I think in order for people to get over it if they want to stay together, there has to be forgiveness. You have to regain your love for the person and establish a healthy relationship with them--otherwise, you have not gotten over the affair. Otherwise it will continue to do damage to the relationship. "Getting over" the affair for people who decide to leave the WS would be similar in some ways. That would be making a conscious effort to put the affair in the past, not letting it define you or affect your future relationships, but forgiving and liking the WS is not a requirement, although I do think it is helpful to make a conscious effort to forgive a WS, even if we decide to leave them. Forgiveness is a choice, and even though the WS may not deserve to be forgiven, I think it helps in trying to move past the affair. Forgiveness releases you from your anger and bitterness, and helps you to heal.
Spark1111 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is a letting go, only when you are ready to, of the pain and the what ifs and the betrayal..... whether you stay with your partner or not. It is realizing you cannot change what has happened in the past; that your spouse's affair did not and will not define you in the future, and that the future is here now, and belongs to you and the choices you make. Time does not heal all wounds. It is what you do with the time that will help you heal the fastest. I personally decided I had the right NOT to decide anything for one year. If we were not on a better track, I was prepared to divorce. During that time, we BOTH went to IC and MC, cried, talked, talked, talked. My spouse became hugely remorseful, fully transparent and truly, a better and changed man. We did reconcile succesfully. What is/has your wife been doing to reassure you of her commitment to the marriage? And most importantly, do you still love her enough to want to take on this herculean task of restoration?
DSVET9091 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Well My ex had an 8 yr long term affair with a friend, I never forgot and still I'm having a hard time forgiving the both of them. This is something that you will live with the rest of your life. The pain and memories will fade over time I've been divorced now over 2 yrs. My ex has since married her and so far they seem happy ( go figure ). I hurt when I seem them together and when I see her with my kids this kills me but I just play it off because I really know how my kids feel about her. They are older so they were aware of their dads affair. I chose not to stay because of the length of his affair and I could never believe or trust him ever again. I basically take care of myself and my kids and just ignore the both of them. Time does heal and you will see in time you will be happier. Please don't stay with him just because of the kids, they are smart and will catch on. They need to see you happy.
silktricks Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I have to add... I don't think anyone should begin the painful and difficult process of reconciliation for someone else - not even your children. The WS didn't let the thought of the children stop him/her from cheating, the choice to remain with your (formerly) cheating spouse should not be based on the children, either, IMO. If you aren't happy, your children won't be either. Be selfish, here, and decide what YOU want. Then if you decide you want reconciliation, go for it.
Linda9999 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 What spark said. Very very true post. I know I can 'get over it'. I don't know if you can or not. For me it depends entirely on what my spouse is doing NOW. I will never forget what he did, and neither will he, but the fact he thanked me last night for sticking with him so that he is the person he is today is one indication of how truly remorseful he is. And like the pp says - don't do it for someone else. Do it for YOU. IC showed me that was what I truly wanted, for ME. I knew I was willing to try. He had to also commit to it wholeheartedly or it wouldn't be happening.
nyrias Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Be selfish, here, and decide what YOU want. Then if you decide you want reconciliation, go for it. "Be selfish" -> include having a revenge affair? Include taking revenge on the WS by all means? Isn't being selfish the #1 cause of infidelity often touted on this forum?
Spark1111 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 "Be selfish" -> include having a revenge affair? Include taking revenge on the WS by all means? Isn't being selfish the #1 cause of infidelity often touted on this forum? OMG! Nyrias...are you a vulcan? Being selfish to decide what you want is not the same as seeking a revenge affair, fercryin'outloud! Who is talking of taking advantage of the WS? Who cares? it is really hard to care about the WS and their feelings after they have been boffing someone behind your back! This man is reeling in pain from the discovery of his wife's affair and is seeking advice and/or support. Give your's or move on.
Severely Unamused Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 OMG! Nyrias...are you a vulcan?The obsession with statistics and logic, the fact that she (nyrias sounds pretty feminine so I'll run with that) basically sees the world with numbers, and the need to pick out poorely worded or ambiguous statements so that she can place opinions that differ from the norm just for the sake of it. Huh, just an observation. Will, generally speaking, after a relationship gets hit with infidelity, the BS either ends up being completely adamant with their choice, or horribly torn. Since you seem to be the latter (though leaning towards divorce IMO), I believe that it would be beneficial to wait a while, and open up dialogue with your wife. As I recall, counselors recommend waiting 4-6 months before making a choice.
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