lovelylove Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Hi... my boyfriend got sent home from work today due to skyrocketing blood pressure and heart palpitations. He has been totally non-compliant with his medications, diet, and exercise for over a year now. I'm a vegetarian and healthy, and try everything I can (short of nagging him, I don't want to be pushy) to get him to eat healthier, including cooking for him, grocery shopping with him, taking him on hikes, etc.... Example- we went grocery shopping two days ago, I bought produce, milk, granola, yogurt... as we were shopping I said "why aren't you buying any food?" ... he kept saying "I don't like yogurt, granola," etc etc... finally he bought some potato chips, cold cuts, and bread... he eats fast food all the time, never ever cooks, and only drinks Coke. His doc said his cholesterol is through the roof, he is dehydrated, BP was 180/100... so he FINALLY refilled his meds and told me if he just takes his meds and "loses weight" he'll be fine- I mentioned diet and he shrugged it off. I swear his diet is 80% fat and sugar, but he refuses to talk about it! Sigh. How to motivate someone else you love to care about themselves???
FitChick Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Go online and print out a Last Will and Testament and tell him to make you his beneficiary. When you talk about the future say, "My next boyfriend and I..."
Author lovelylove Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I know, and it's obvious his health habits stem from depression, which lead to depression..... GAH
antinko Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 It's a vicious cycle and, unfortunately, only he can decide to make changes. I know this is hard to hear, but you're wasting your time trying to change him. He should thank his lucky stars that someone cares enough to want to try and change him. To be honest, I think you need to put your needs first and make them known to him. If he cares, then he'll listen and will be able to engage in a dialogue which will lead him to start making changes for the better for himself and the relationship, but it can only come from him.
Els Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 so he FINALLY refilled his meds and told me if he just takes his meds and "loses weight" he'll be fine- I mentioned diet and he shrugged it off. Well, firstly you need to realize it is really up to him, and not you - you can either accept it and try to gently motivate him, or decide that this is not what you want from a partner. If you choose the former, he sounds like he is already taking a decent step forward - the meds will be a huge improvement. I would encourage that if I were you, then take small steps forward, rather than badgering him to do more right off the bat. Frankly speaking, he should do both meds and diet, but if he absolutely had to choose one or the other to start off with, meds are more important. Perhaps ask what he plans to do to lose weight. To be fair to him, bread and cold cuts aren't terribly unhealthy - potato chips are, but if he isn't taking excessive amounts of it I wouldn't bug him about it. If he is trying to lose weight, lean cold cuts have less calories per 100g than milk, produce and yogurt, and eggs have more cholesterol too.
johan Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 This won't change. He's not going to develop a taste for better food or a desire to exercise. I can't stand to eat unhealthy food. Fast food makes me feel awful until I can get a better meal and go for a workout. I can actually feel it in my system. Someone who feels that all the time has no idea. Not to mention it is salty and greasy and over-processed, flavors and textures some people actually prefer. And I never feel comfortable while I'm exercising. It hurts. But the cumulative effects are so worth it. I've come to embrace the pain. Many people don't value the effects and just want to avoid the pain. You can't hope to change that about him any more than he could hope to change you into an unhealthy person.
antinko Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Try and get him to at least increase his water intake as well. If he's just drinking coke, he'll be dehydrating himself and pumping loads of bad cals into his system. Water can also stave off the cravings too.
Author lovelylove Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Thank you, I noticed everyone agrees it has to come from him... I also notice a lot of people advised me to think about myself--- for so long I've been going way out of my way to take care of his needs and neglecting my own ... a pattern in my relationships and life in general He and I work different shifts and I often give up sleep to see him- today I told him I'm too tired and slept a whole 7 hrs So thank you to those of you who reminded me to take care of myself I never badger him about his diet or health, even though I'm a nurse, lol. The cold cuts were my idea- after he'd bought the chips... I kind of nudged him to buy them- he doesn't keep any food in his place except instant saimin and spam (sodium and fat, not much else)... I know what you mean about not being able to eat junk- I do like it occasionally but it makes me feel sluggish and icky. I prefer fresh food, it gives me energy and makes me happy Unfortunately he "hates" apples, bananas, blueberries, actually almost all produce ???? White rice over brown, lots of fried food, meat, sugar, I've watched him eat like this for years... we were friends before we were in a relationship... he says he admires me for my diet and I always thought that meant he would change, sigh. Watching him eat like he does is depressing but I don't want to try and control someone else. He puts SIX sugar packets in a small cup of coffee! Thanks you guys. I know I can't change him
Dust Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I love how your example of eating health involved dairy and store bought granola which is probably full of processed ingredients. Dairy will only cause the guy more problems. So will sugary processed store bought granola. He needs to start eating a mostly plant based whole foods diet. It’s up to him to get more fruits and vegetables in his life. I would leave some one who only ate cold cuts on white bread with chips and was letting themselves purposely degrading their quality and length of life.
Author lovelylove Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Dust, I'm a vegetarian but eat organic low-fat dairy foods like cheese, yogurt and some milk, about one-two servings a day. I don't eat junk granola, I eat ancient grains and some lowfat kinds with nuts and seeds.. actually I don't eat much, lol so what I do eat does have some sugar sometimes He didn't get white bread either, he got whole wheat:) and I nudged him to buy lowfat cheese and organic turkey slices. I wouldn't leave someone for this, I love him and care about him- everyone has issues, faults and problems... but it is causing me stress, and I'm having to bite my tongue so often it's getting uncomfortable
GrayClouds Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 High sugar diet helps temporarily boost endorphins and dopamine that missing when suffering from depression. His diet may be just his way of self medicating. I suggest try getting him to exercise more first, even if it means walking for 30 min a day, maybe even some weight lifting. He also may want to look into anti-meds. If he can get a handle on the depression then the diet will come easier. Good luck.
betterdeal Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I used to have pretty much the same diet as your boyfriend. It will take time and a few attempts to change his habits (just as it would anyone). First, it helps to keep a food diary for 1-2 weeks. If he can do this honestly, he can review his diet at the end and see what he's actually eating. It might sound surprising, but he may not realise what he's eating. Most of what he's eating - refined sugars and caffeine - is giving him rushes of energy followed by crashing. He's a drug addict. Does he eat breakfast at all? If not, he needs to start doing that. Even a sugary cereal like honey-coated cornflakes is a good start. I'd recommend soya milk instead of cow milk. It tastes okay these days if you find the right brand. Cows milk has lots of simple sugars and can cause digestive upset. Setting his day up with a slower-release source of energy like this will help him to avoid the energy boom-bust he's so used to. After he's settled into eating breakfast (it may take a week or two) I'd suggest getting off coke and coffee. Maybe allow 2-3 cups of black tea (with or without milk) a day as an alternative. It will take 2-3 days to get over the caffeine withdrawal otherwise. Again, this reduces the rollercoaster effect his dieting is having. But why do this at all? Well, he'll live longer, and he'll feel many many times better. It will takes years off him. He'll feel like he's ten years younger. He'll sleep better. He'll sh*t much better. He'll be happier. Much happier.
Author lovelylove Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Thank You Betterdeal!! This week has been really good- he's walked with me almost every night, has cut out the coke (!) and is eating healthier!!! His blood pressure (due to the meds I'm sure) is way, way, down, even in the normal range- I keep telling him I love him and want him to live and be healthy
betterdeal Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 That sound like good news to me! If he wants to talk direct with someone who's dealt with similar challenges, feel free to put him in touch with me. If he keeps note of how well his bowel movements are, he should start to see a correlation between eating well and pooing well
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