lonelynyc Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I was on LS this morning feeling strong and confident for the first time in a long time and it all tumbled down like a house of cards tonight. Like an idiot I decided to open up an online dating account, didn't even write anything down or put up a picture, just wanted to see who was out there (I never have done the whole online dating thing). What do I find? My ex's profile already up there. Her face, a beautiful picture, I broke down. I'm crying as I type this, thought I really turned a corner... That's what I get for speaking too early I guess. Yeah, I started a profile too, so technically I shouldn't feel wronged. She's not doing anything wrong, I acknowledge that. It just hurts too much for words. I guess I assumed all along that she'd need time like I do to get back out there (the reason why I didn't fill anything in my profile in). I guess it just made the truth I tried to ignore since getting dumped unavoidable--she no longer loves me. We were kissing and holding each other just last week, but as you all know none of that means a thing. Not a thing. It shouldn't matter to me how fast she's moving on... whether it took an hour or 3 years the end result would still be the same: we're not together. I'm a hypocrite and crazy for feeling this way, I know... It's just killing me, I have a sleepless night ahead of me. I'm leaving to visit a friend in Panama on Friday, but I feel like it'll be me fleeing and I might have trouble bringing myself back here to face my reality. What does this sort of emotional collapse say about me? Is there any hope?
D-Lish Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Hey, I put up a profile within 24 hours of being dumped, it wasn't about moving on- just a desperate move during a vulnerable period. Lots of people that aren't ready to date put up a profile "just because". You can always block her profile so you never have to see it again.
NursingGirl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Hey, I put up a profile within 24 hours of being dumped, it wasn't about moving on- just a desperate move during a vulnerable period. Lots of people that aren't ready to date put up a profile "just because". You can always block her profile so you never have to see it again. Ditto to this! Seriously! It's a way to move on for just a second but it feels like crap 10 minutes later, it helps to talk to some other single people, it even helps to go out and it starts to mend your heart. Or...I don't know the circumstances of the breakup but she is definitely not over you yet and maybe she even cried after she started the profile. It didn't mean anything much to YOU when you started yours, did it? Who broke up and why?
Author lonelynyc Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Ditto to this! Seriously! It's a way to move on for just a second but it feels like crap 10 minutes later, it helps to talk to some other single people, it even helps to go out and it starts to mend your heart. Or...I don't know the circumstances of the breakup but she is definitely not over you yet and maybe she even cried after she started the profile. It didn't mean anything much to YOU when you started yours, did it? Who broke up and why? She broke up with me on July 4th. We have been in intermittent contact since then, even crossing the boundary back into intimacy several times. On Saturday she told me she didn't think she wanted any connection to me anymore, sort of out of the blue. On a whim I bought plane tickets on Sunday to leave the country this Friday and was flying high most of the day. No, I don't feel ready to date or even flirt with anyone, but I was really looking forward to visiting a new place. I guess I was feeling so exuberant about getting out of town that I thought I was ready to, if not actually put myself out there again, get a little view of who was out there. It turns out I wasn't really getting over her, just running away from the pain of being here. I feel so foolish like I lied to myself, really wondering how I can ever pick up the pieces in my life if I keep lying to or misunderstanding myself. Basically, I'm lost.
D-Lish Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Ditto to this! Seriously! It's a way to move on for just a second but it feels like crap 10 minutes later, it helps to talk to some other single people, it even helps to go out and it starts to mend your heart. Or...I don't know the circumstances of the breakup but she is definitely not over you yet and maybe she even cried after she started the profile. It didn't mean anything much to YOU when you started yours, did it? Who broke up and why? Exactly- you see your ex has a profile up and you think they've moved on- when in reality, we all do compulsive things when we are vulnerable. Even if they've dumped you- they aren't really in a place to start dating again so soon.
Author lonelynyc Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 The profile didn't seem hastily constructed. She really planned out what she wanted to say in describing herself, put up new pictures and the whole 9. It just doesn't feel like something done impulsively, it's like she's been moving in that direction for a while. I don't know how I'll feel when she ends up in a new relationship--I feel it coming soon. Maybe I should change my number, block her from contacting me via email, change my name and move to the west coast (exaggerating)... This is, incredibly, worse than the day she initially broke up with me. Anyone feel that way when they saw their ex with someone new or knew they were looking for someone new, like it was 10 times worse than actually getting dumped to begin with?
sun_moon Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Yes, Been there, done that. It ****ing hurts. Listen, your last post about moving and all (minus the moving), you hit the nail right on the head. You do have to block her, delete her, change your number, make her vanish, make yourself vanish. Its called NC, and in the beginning it will be your frenemy but after the initial weeks, you will feel better. You dont have to worry about her next relationship, because if you do NC, you will be in ignorant bliss till you finally heal and move on. And yes it is incredibly worse than when she broke up with you! This yo-yo ing of the contact you've had with her, it was her stringing you along emotionally, and it gave you false hope, you relied on it and built a possibility. Then you see things like today, and you realize all the stupid things you allowed yourself to be put through, then you feel worse, and in all actuality you 'breakup' all over again. It's worse because in a way it wasnt really over, it wasnt a clean break. Dont worry, more than 50% of the people on here made the same mistake, and guess what, the majority of us picked ourselves up and stopped it. It usually takes hitting rock bottom to get to the realization it has to stop, and while the clean break possibility is gone, NC is your new hope.
KathyM Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I was on LS this morning feeling strong and confident for the first time in a long time and it all tumbled down like a house of cards tonight. Like an idiot I decided to open up an online dating account, didn't even write anything down or put up a picture, just wanted to see who was out there (I never have done the whole online dating thing). What do I find? My ex's profile already up there. Her face, a beautiful picture, I broke down. I'm crying as I type this, thought I really turned a corner... That's what I get for speaking too early I guess. Yeah, I started a profile too, so technically I shouldn't feel wronged. She's not doing anything wrong, I acknowledge that. It just hurts too much for words. I guess I assumed all along that she'd need time like I do to get back out there (the reason why I didn't fill anything in my profile in). I guess it just made the truth I tried to ignore since getting dumped unavoidable--she no longer loves me. We were kissing and holding each other just last week, but as you all know none of that means a thing. Not a thing. It shouldn't matter to me how fast she's moving on... whether it took an hour or 3 years the end result would still be the same: we're not together. I'm a hypocrite and crazy for feeling this way, I know... It's just killing me, I have a sleepless night ahead of me. I'm leaving to visit a friend in Panama on Friday, but I feel like it'll be me fleeing and I might have trouble bringing myself back here to face my reality. What does this sort of emotional collapse say about me? Is there any hope? It says you're a normal man with normal feelings, who has been hurt. It's going to take some time to get over this. No easy solution, just takes time to get over a broken relationship.
NursingGirl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I wouldn't necessarily say that she is consciously stringing you along but yes, it will continue to hurt like hell and not heal if you keep seeing her and getting intimate and stuff. Go NC and yes, that means deleting her as a fb friend and any other place where you will see her online or anywhere you both go in public. Pick new places to go IRL and online. If mutual friends keep leaking bits of information about her, kick them to the curb. You need to heal. It WILL get easier, I guarantee you it will! As far as the time she put into her profile...ok, yeah, she may have spent some time but that doesn't mean she is emotionally invested in it. It's a way for her to move on or normalize things or identify with her new single status or to make friends or throw herself out there in the dating world to begin to heal or to build her ego so she CAN actually date and enjoy it at some point. I put time into MY profile, too, when I wasn't feeling it after a breakup. But the point is...it doesn't really matter why she did it because it is time to go NC and take care of yourself. I don't know if I think people should have strict policies about 2nd chances down the road but I DO KNOW that right now, since this breakup that SHE initiated, she needs time to figure out what the heck she wants and miss you if that's the conclusion she is going to draw and YOU need time to protect yourself from all the push/pull yo-yo drama. At least give yourself a time frame that you will go NC and stick to it. If she contacts you, tell her you set a limit and you will talk to her then. If there's something there between you two...it will be there later also.
DazyDaisy Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Look, it was the same thing with my ex. I spend 6 months just waiting for him to jump into a new relationship. 6 months of heartbreaking checking up on him, and he never got with anyone AT ALL. Basically, I lost my 6 months while he healed and everything. It was a mutual breakup but mostly initiated by me. The point is that you shouldn't waste your time wondering, just take the time to accept the breakup, heal and move on. It hurts, I know. We've all been there but it'll be fine.
Buttercup84 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I joined a dating site about a week after our break up , I was so hurt I just wanted some miracle to happen. But I just wanted him , plus I knew he was on that site too , and didn't want him to see me. Thinking of him with someone else KILLS. He said he wants to be single and not hook up etc and I want to believe him. I am trying the NC so hard but failed many times. But everyone says it helps.. Hope you can be strong x
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