chelle21689 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I was wondering if this was normal and common? I've been seeing someone a few months and then we finally made things official a week ago. All of a sudden I have constant worries and fears in my head. I keep wondering if he's the one for me, how long will we last, and these doubts stay in my mind when I'm with him. Usually I'm happy with him and have no worries. I don't know why I feel this way. He's my 2nd relationship ever though so this is new.
Annalisa Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I feel this way too. I just went official with my new guy (2nd relationship) about a week ago. We dated and "took things slow" for about 2 months. I'd just broken up with my ex and didn't want to be in a relationship again so soon because break ups freaking hurt. New Guy has been really patient and understanding. I know he really wants to be my boyfriend. I can feel his sincerity and he's treated me very well so far. We're happier than I remember ever being with my ex. Of course I still have doubts and worries because it hasn't been that long since I went through a break up and I'm in no hurry to hurt like that again any time soon. But my doubts aren't as strong as they were with my ex. With my ex, I always knew we were opposites and I had this feeling that it was just a matter of time before we broke up because our lives are headed in different directions. New Guy is a lot more similar to me so maybe that makes it easier for me to be with him as opposed to my ex. I still have doubts and worries but they aren't as strong and I can usually reason my way out of them and tell myself I'm being silly. I think deep down, we all know whether we're a good "fit" with another person. There will always be doubts and worries but we can't let our insecurities destroy something that makes us happy. Did you feel this way when you got together with your ex too? Were your doubts and worries as strong? What I tell myself is that there's no use worrying. Just enjoy the time we spend together. Time will tell if we're really compatible. Hope this helps
Author chelle21689 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I wish more people would answer but thank you for replying. Crazy thing is, I'm in a similar situation to you. Only I feel me and my ex were opposites in personality. I didn't have doubts with him on how long we'd last but always fear of losing him. We lasted 5 1/2 years. When I FIRST got with my ex I didn't think we'd last long. I didn't like him that strongly and was iffy about the "title" and cringed at the thought of comittment which scares me. WIthin 4 months I got comfortable and grew to love him deeply over the years. With the current we're a lot more alike. But I don't know why I'm having doubts. I think me being iffy about the title is common. I don't want to break up. I'm just not sure if he's the one (which is too soon to think of) and I fear of us breaking up.
carhill Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 How much alone time (no emotional or sexual involvement with men) did you spend between relationships? Looking back on my LTR's and M, any 'doubts' I had came later and were harbingers of the relationship's demise. In some cases, I listened to that voice; in others I chose to ignore it. I don't recall any 'fear'. Each relationship started from a clean slate due to substantial processing (alone) time between them. As an example, my exW and I have been split up (where we established separate homes) for a little over two years and have been divorced about ten months and I'm thinking I'm in no hurry to become involved with anyone. I'm not afraid, rather find the time and energy I normally invest in such pursuits to be better spent on friends who supported me during my divorce and on new life adventures. My best advice is to focus on compatibility within the realm of attraction rather than focusing on the potential of 'the one'. That simple statement was the hard-won result of a lot of MC. Are you attracted to him and do you 'fit' well together? If yes, go with that. See where it goes. Good luck.
ScienceGal Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I get like that too. I believe its just anxiety because falling for someone means you're opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. No one wants to have their heart broken, but the only way you can love and be loved is by taking this risk. Just try to be in the moment. Don't focus on anything but being yourself and being a good partner. Focus on your compatibility and whether the relationship is healthy (attraction, respect, communication, etc). Good luck
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Yep, it's completely normal. It's that vulnerable feeling and I don't think there are many people who find it particularly comfortable.
carhill Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 IMO, a review of the OP's past threads could help with background. I took a quick look at the ones I responded to and will opine that, when an otherwise positive and healthy relationship is progressing, becoming 'official', and such impels doubts and fears, one should look to history to provide clues. It's there.
Casablanca Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Yep, it's completely normal. It's that vulnerable feeling and I don't think there are many people who find it particularly comfortable. I agree with this
sm1tten Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I don't know if it's "normal" to have these doubts and fears. I do think it's unhealthy. It's one thing to be cautious about trusting your heart to a new person after a heartbreak, but constantly wondering how long it will last when things are still good/this early in the relationship sounds, frankly, pretty bad. I do think you got some good advice on how you might deal with it though. (This isn't just based on this thread - this is based on other threads/statements you've made as well.)
Author chelle21689 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Haha, the time I spent involving no men and just alone time? Probably a month after my break up and then I met him. But I didn't want to jump into a relationship so 5 months later we made it official. I don't know if it's just me being crazy?? I've always had something to worry about in relationships. Once that issue seems okay I worry about a new thing.
Author chelle21689 Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 So I worked out with him today and I didn't have doubts anymore lol... but I'm sure it could possibly come back again...that's just how I am.
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