ShameOnU Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Me and my Husband have both talked about this and are seriously considering it. We both are very honest and openly communicate about everything..I have never been insecure or jealous in my relationship with him. I honestly believe that women and especially men ARE NOT monogomous by nature..Im sure that alot of married people dont cheat..But come on how many Marriages Public or otherwise have lasted a long time without any Infidelity?? I would definately like everyone's thoughts on open marriage..Hopefully there are open-minded adults on this site..Because i think this is an interesting topic.. No matter how wonderful you think your marriage is or how much your husband or wife loves you...We are human and attraction is something we cant control and just because you have a wedding ring. So why not be honest open about and consider something new.
Calif_hope Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Not scientific proof but I have known 9 couples in my circle of friends and coworkers who have attempted an Open Marriage since college. My GF and later my wife were invited to particpate by a number of the couples, DECLINED. Of the 9 couples, only 2 are still marriend and are not continuing in that life style. The two that married went throung hell and a great deal of counceling to be were they are now....one still married couple were seprated for 6 months. The issues: 1. The first actual attempt was a disaster that they were not able to recover from. You never know how powerful the big green jealousy monster will be. 2. One side tires of the life style and the partner does not want to stop, ground rule broken. 3. One side develops and emotional attachment to a "guest partner" - and they start an affair...... 4. Wife has more opportunities, more numbers, husband resentful. 5. Wife/Husband brings home a gift (STD). 6. Egos get involed - causes resentment - is he/she prettier/handsomer, does he/she have bigger........, is he/she better......... 7. Wife/Husband does sexual acts with their guest partner(s) that they will not do to or with their spouse (VERY COMMON). I could go on......
CarrieT Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Calif_hope sounds like he/she lived through my marriage and ultimate divorce through the attempts of having an Open Relationship. I've known dozens of couples in open relationships in my 47 years and I have yet to meet a couple that are still engaged in the activity and happy; they are either divorced or back to strict monogamy because of the traumas that the experimentation caused.
drifter777 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I would definately like everyone's thoughts on open marriage..Hopefully there are open-minded adults on this site..Because i think this is an interesting topic.. By "open-minded" I suppose you mean people who agree with you. This is really a poor place to post something like this. I think I smell a troll...
Severely Unamused Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) By "open-minded" I suppose you mean people who agree with you. Of course. That's always what it means. It's like how you have some posters preaching compassion and understanding...but only for the specific clique that they fit into. I don't find poor impulse control attractive. I can tell you that. Edited August 9, 2011 by Severely Unamused
ver13 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 This is a great topic simple because so many have wonder about and some have tried it and in the end the results are the same. M is truly hard and of course we are all attracted at some point to other people the issue is what do you do about it. If you truly have open communication then turn it into a mutaul fantasy. it's sort of like using porn or doing couples wedcam except you don't actually commit the physical act which is the key to the break down of open M. We all like to think that we might be able to handle someone else doing the sexy dance with our partner and some can. IMO these that have no problem with it view their partner as something less then they truly are. I mean how can I call her my wife and yet I'm willing to let her be your booty call. What am I truly saying about our relationship, I you've gotten to the point that you need to act on your fantasy then go ahead and make it a reality and get a D. That way you are truly free to sleep with whom ever you want to with out any blowback what so ever.
YellowShark Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Even discussing an open marriage means your marriage is dying. You both are looking for more than what your marriage is providing. Yet the entire point of marrying someone is based upon a commitment to one person, not a sexual free-for-all. Therefore IMHO do what you gotta do, personally I would not recommend it, for I have seen open marriages fail miserably in the end. I would only caution you that discussing an open marriage is a RED FLAG that your marriage is in trouble. Good luck.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 why be married then It's a life-time unit of commitment with shared property. It can become just a basic convenience if each partner has a separate sex life but come back to the unit with affection and acceptance. It's a tall order for "feelers" like me. Some people just don't have quite as intensive guns in guts and can live with the sometimes challenging feelings that have to occur. It's not for me but this is surely how it's working for someone. It always depends on who the people are--inside and outside of the primary relationship.
sally4sara Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I know two couples who practice it with, so far as I can tell, success. From what I've seen of it you have to be able to experience joy in the pleasure and happiness of your own partner even when that pleasure and happiness were not derived from you. The word for it (not sure its a real word or a made up one) is called compersion. Second up is lots of communication. I also hear out of them another phrase - moving at the pace of the slowest one of your couple. Whom ever is struggling the most gets to be the brakes and that HAS to be respected or kablooey! Because you and your partner won't be seeing toys, you will be seeing people with feelings and wants and future plans. Thats a lot to manage. If your relationship really matters to you, you're taking a big BIG risk. Its hard enough to find the right partner for you let alone the right partner for two people at once. And you have to be able to be the right partner for more than one person at a time. So you have to ask yourself what would happen in the extreme? Would you be okay if your partner met someone and forged a bond with them that was of equal, different maybe but equally important, in status to the bond they have with you? Would you be okay with them becoming a member of your home? Would you be okay with them having an equal say in decisions? On the flip side - lots of relationships end for reasons that have nothing to do with fidelity but the moment your relationship experiences problems anyone you try to reach out to will automatically assume the problem is the lack of monogamy. I did the same thing when one of the female partners in the two couples I know tried to talk to me about her struggle and it really left her feeling alone. I wigged out and handled it not so well because monogamy is what I'm use to and her relationships seem to have more guidelines that the usual no sex with anyone else style most of us practice. I just couldn't wrap my head around it enough to be there for her as a friend. So if you do this plan to feel like you left Kansas and no one wants to hear about it when its good but everyone will be talking about it when its bad. If that sounds difficult to imagine - I'm sure it is even more so in practice.
sally4sara Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Even discussing an open marriage means your marriage is dying. You both are looking for more than what your marriage is providing. Yet the entire point of marrying someone is based upon a commitment to one person, not a sexual free-for-all. Therefore IMHO do what you gotta do, personally I would not recommend it, for I have seen open marriages fail miserably in the end. I would only caution you that discussing an open marriage is a RED FLAG that your marriage is in trouble. Good luck. Yes. Being able to talk about anything with your partner is always a big red flag.
road Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Me and my Husband have both talked about this and are seriously considering it. Who brought up the subject first. Quite often it's the spouse that is having/an or wants to have an affair. Is wanted because they are not happy in the marriage. Better to fix the marriage then have a F buddy.
GG2W Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I am not married, rather the invited third party. I have known more than a dozen such couples. And yes there are divorces, but from what I have seen, less so than my straight friends. And the divorces that I know of were the result of other causes. One such being the H insisted on moving from west coast to Louisiana. Several visits by her, proved that she could hardly breathe in the heat and humidity. He left she stayed.
road Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Not scientific proof but I have known 9 couples in my circle of friends and coworkers who have attempted an Open Marriage since college. My GF and later my wife were invited to particpate by a number of the couples, DECLINED. Of the 9 couples, only 2 are still marriend and are not continuing in that life style. The two that married went throung hell and a great deal of counceling to be were they are now....one still married couple were seprated for 6 months. The issues: 1. The first actual attempt was a disaster that they were not able to recover from. You never know how powerful the big green jealousy monster will be. 2. One side tires of the life style and the partner does not want to stop, ground rule broken. 3. One side develops and emotional attachment to a "guest partner" - and they start an affair...... 4. Wife has more opportunities, more numbers, husband resentful. 5. Wife/Husband brings home a gift (STD). 6. Egos get involed - causes resentment - is he/she prettier/handsomer, does he/she have bigger........, is he/she better......... 7. Wife/Husband does sexual acts with their guest partner(s) that they will not do to or with their spouse (VERY COMMON). I could go on...... I don't know any on a personal level. But never read where it not caused problems. It has ended many marriages. Also what is your plan if the OM knocks you up? Don't say you're on birth control pills. They are not 100% effective. You murder the baby in the womb? What if you're anti baby genocide and bring the baby to term? Will your H raise it as his? Even if it is a mixed race baby? What if the OM wants his rights as a farther and be involved with the child? What if your H gets a uncureable std, are you still going to sex with him? And what if the shoe is on the other foot/std on the other genitals will you stay married to him if then refuses to have sex because he does not want to risk uncureable std? Slippery slope: Nothing can go wrong with casual sex. Just that to many times the wife says my H must not value me because he lets OM bang me. Then wife develops strong feels for the OM because the sex lays the ground work for the phyiscal bond to grow to an emotional bond. Then the wife starts seeing the OM on the side without the BH knowing. F buddy relationship moves to lover relationship and the BH has been removed from the top slot in her life. Then WW wants OM full time and says if I dump BH I can spend all my tme with the OM. Ends in divorce.
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 why be married then This guy hit it on the head! Why be married? Divorce your husband and sleep with whom ever you want. Because according to you, we aren't meant to be with just one specific person. You don't need your husband. Apparently you're wasting your time with him and denying yourself from the studs you REALLY want. The point is, MOST open marriages end up in divorce. And a lot of open marriages that end up closing up again has alot of martial problems afterwards. Usually because one spouse wanted to stop while the other didn't and it causes resentment and......divorce. Another problem is someone starts falling for someone else. This does happen alot more than people are writing about. But, you should be okay with your husband leaving you for someone else, because he was meant to be with several different people. I'm trying to point out that your way of thinking is flawed. And if you open your marriage up, there's a very REAL chance of your marriage ending. Just because you want some strange.
confusedinkansas Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Marriage - Means different things to different people & not everyone takes traditional vows. What works in one marriage doesn't work in another. (Thank goodness!!) If the husband agrees to share his wife with other men & the wife agrees to share her husband with other women - Why the heck not? Who are we to say it's wrong? Those that comment but have never experienced it, how can you have an opinion? My husband & I tried a modified open marriage for a few years. I think it may be possible to make something like that work (depending on the couple) - but NOT over a long period of time. It's like a hobby. "Ok let's try this" so the couple 'tries' something new. Over time though people's lives change, you grow up, you have children, normal LIFE things happen & you become bored with the "Lifestyle" or move on from the "Lifestyle" friends you once had.
bentnotbroken Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 If all you want is relationship with one person that allows you to have relationships together with other people....why even use the term marriage?
Lostinlife4now Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Really good thread! When I WAS the OW for a very long time...I had asked xmm why not have an open marriage? If she doesn't care what you do or doing why not make it easier? I don't no if easier is the right term; but you know what I am getting at. He said he couldn't DO IT...But what you can do is cheat on your w get what you want let me waste my time but you can't have an open marriage. It wouldn't look right was his response....HUH? you are deceiving your wife and everyone around you (including yourself) but you can't be in an open marriage..I don't get it..... Since he was having an affair, why shouldn't she? He has narcissistic personality disorder...IT WAS all about him.... But kicked him to the curb anyways.....see ya loser.....and to your not wanting an open marriage....I hope W finds someone someday that she can trust.....
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 No matter how wonderful you think your marriage is or how much your husband or wife loves you...We are human and attraction is something we cant control and just because you have a wedding ring. So why not be honest open about and consider something new. because inevitably, someone starts having sex with someone else that makes the other jealous, feelings start to develop, and sooner or later one of you will be crying foul. I see it with every story on this board. people want to be able to go out and eff someone else, but don't really like it when their SO does it. oh you may think you are ok with it at first because it gives you a green light, but I always see someone in an open relationship come into this forum complaining of betrayal. which begs the question, if you want to screw around with other people, why get married? it spits on the institution.
John Bigboote Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 This guy hit it on the head! Why be married? Marriage to you must be all about sex then. To me, marriage is about love. The answer to "why be married" is that the two people involved love each other and want to spend their lives together. Your position is essentially that sexual monogamy is more important than love, more important than affection, more important than friendship, more important than emotional support, more important than companionship, more important than coparenting, more important than everything else that a relationship might have and might mean to people who aren't you. Different people have different priorities and different needs and desires. Some people neither need nor desire monogamy, but do want to spend their lives in a meaningful emotional relationship with another person. Divorce your husband and sleep with whom ever you want. You just want people to suffer, don't you? The point is, MOST open marriages end up in divorce.Most RELATIONSHIPS end up in splitsville. If we assume that the average monogamous person dates 10 people before getting married, then 90% of those relationships are failures. If half of all marriages end in divorce, then we can say that 95% of all monogamous relationships end. NINETY-FIVE PERCENT. 95% of monogamous relationships fail, and NO ONE ever blames the concept of monogamy for that. I'm trying to point out that your way of thinking is flawed. And if you open your marriage up, there's a very REAL chance of your marriage ending. Just because you want some strange.There's a real chance of the relationship ending no matter what they do.
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 My husband & I tried a modified open marriage for a few years. exactly, and look what happened. it must not have worked out and you went out and cheated anyway.(as did he I understand). its the mindset of people that want to be in these types of relationships. those that want to be in an open relationship are doomed to cheat if the other doesn't agree to it, or if both agree, but then decide not to do it, one of them ends up cheating anyway.
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 also, the fact that this is posted in "infidelity" says it all.
nyrias Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 why be married then Green card, tax benefits (if one does not work), getting spouse health insurance, status, family pressure, .... i can think of many reasons.
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 But kicked him to the curb anyways.....see ya loser although he most certainly is a loser, since you knew he was married, you don't get to be the one to call him that.
John Bigboote Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 OP: Generally, the advice you've gotten here isn't all that bad, really. You do want to consider all these things. What happens if one of you gets attached? Pregnant? Jealous? STD? How will you protect against these things? How will you deal with them if they occur? You will want to discuss these things at length before anything happens. The "open" in "open marriage" means the openness of the lines of communication between you, not the open sex you have. And start with baby steps. The most successful open marriages are not the ones that start by jumping into an orgy (unless that's where the partners happened to meet ) or with "It's not like I've got anyone else in mind, OK I'm lying." Test the waters by flirting and kissing first and see if this raises any jealousy issues. Go to a swingers club without any intentions of swapping and see if the idea is a turn-on or a turn-off. Etc. Always communicate afterwards to see if a boundary has been reached.
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