Carm Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Argh, this is so hard. My bf of 9 months and I have split two days ago. He needed to rethink the relationship and needed space to do that. He just feels like the relationship is off. It's killing me not to have any contact with him because we usually sent many texts during the day and spoke daily. I just reread his cards that he's written me over the course of 9 months. He said such lovely stuff about us and now this? Ugh. I'm not sure what I'm even asking here, just needed some words of wisdom.
gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Give him his space, and don't wait around. You'll just end up torturing yourself, trust me. My ex pulled the "I just need some space" bit on me a day AFTER I told him that I was assuming we were over. He said he's interested in working things out, but it's been a couple of weeks since he said that and he's still MIA. Put away or dispose of anything and everything that reminds you of him. Don't contact him until he talks to you. Resist all temptation to check his online profiles on social networking sites. Go on LS to gain inspiration and insights on what you're going through. You'll find many supportive friends here.
CaliBabe Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 agreed with witz. DO NOT WAIT AROUND FOR HIM. show him you are your own person and you are not a doormat. men like strong women
Author Carm Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I agree with both of you guys. Thanks and I am trying to busy myself with other things. I don't understand why he's changed from being warm to acting cold. I have never been mean to him, I have always treated him with respect and was kind and did things for him so this coldness is actually pissing me off.
gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I agree with both of you guys. Thanks and I am trying to busy myself with other things. I don't understand why he's changed from being warm to acting cold. I have never been mean to him, I have always treated him with respect and was kind and did things for him so this coldness is actually pissing me off. Use getting pissed off as fuel to keep you from contacting him. I've had experience with the hot/cold treatment, and it's really unfair especially if the other person never explicitly communicated to you why he wants his distance in the first place. Like you, I thought I'd treated my ex with nothing but respect and love, but that didn't stop him from doing what he did to me.
Author Carm Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 I agree, I am using this coldness as fuel. He actually emailed me this morning because he wants to send someone over to take down some shelving he's put in my garage and as well return some of the items that are mine. I asked him, what is he telling people about us and he said he is saying that he is confused and needs to think...... But what is confusing me is that his actions are not matching his words. Why the rush to exchange things when he is just confused and needs to think??!!!
gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 That's why it's imperative that you treat this "time to think" as a real breakup. Taking things down from your place means that he's distancing himself from you already--physically, emotionally, mentally, what have you. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he'll come back 'cause there's a ginormous chance that he won't. My ex dangled the idea of getting back together in my face a couple of weeks ago, but he's not doing anything about it. At this point, pessimism about a reconciliation is key, while optimism about YOUR OWN future is a must. Good call on making yourself busy! I'm doing the same, and I'm anticipating that come first week of September, I'll be too swamped with grad school stuff to even entertain a thought of my once part-time lover haha!
Author Carm Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 thanks for your help gothowitz. Good luck with you, sounds like you're doing ok. I actually was so pissed off with the lack of emotion in his email to me today (regarding his stuff) that I sent an email to him saying, "here's one thing about me that you might now know, I'm nobody's door mat. Take as much time as you need to think, but know that I may not be available". No response (no surprise because he's so cold) and so I'll have to carry on as if we are split. I was supposed to go to a concert with him this evening but he's bringing his daughter now instead. There is a whole bunch of his friends going and I became kind of close to one of them. We've been emailing today and he said he'd try to find out what's going on in his head.
gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 thanks for your help gothowitz. Good luck with you, sounds like you're doing ok. I actually was so pissed off with the lack of emotion in his email to me today (regarding his stuff) that I sent an email to him saying, "here's one thing about me that you might now know, I'm nobody's door mat. Take as much time as you need to think, but know that I may not be available". No response (no surprise because he's so cold) and so I'll have to carry on as if we are split. I was supposed to go to a concert with him this evening but he's bringing his daughter now instead. There is a whole bunch of his friends going and I became kind of close to one of them. We've been emailing today and he said he'd try to find out what's going on in his head. I'm forcing myself to be ok, especially after having found out the reason why he did the fade out on me (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291523/). Anyway, now that you've said your piece, stick to NC. If he's treating you this coldly, you'll just lose your sanity and dignity if you push him to talk things over. At this point, it'll be like trying to reason with a brick wall. I was actually also supposed to go to this big music festival with my ex this coming weekend. Spent a lot of money on the tickets even though the genre isn't my cup of tea, because he wanted me to be there and spend time with him and his best friend that I was gonna meet for the first time. So much for that! And bye bye to the money I'll never get back! Lesson learned. :S
Author Carm Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Gothowitz, I don't think we have a choice. We have to carry on and they were obviously not the right guys right?! I had read your posts and I found it strange that he faded away because of that.....but I'll tell you something it was probably bothering him for awhile but never communicated enough with you how much it was bothering him. That's the part that makes me mad, because I also think that my ex should have communicated with me that there was an issue because I'm plodding along like everything is ok and he was checking out of the relationship. At this point, even if he changed his tune, becomes warm I could never trust him again in terms of doing this again to me. It's done, this chapter is closed. The only thing that causes me so much sadness is that I became close to some of his friends.
gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) Gothowitz, I don't think we have a choice. We have to carry on and they were obviously not the right guys right?! I had read your posts and I found it strange that he faded away because of that.....but I'll tell you something it was probably bothering him for awhile but never communicated enough with you how much it was bothering him. That's the part that makes me mad, because I also think that my ex should have communicated with me that there was an issue because I'm plodding along like everything is ok and he was checking out of the relationship. At this point, even if he changed his tune, becomes warm I could never trust him again in terms of doing this again to me. It's done, this chapter is closed. The only thing that causes me so much sadness is that I became close to some of his friends. I think in my case he started to think about the money issue in the last month or two leading up to the break up. Had he been upfront with me about it and communicated with me that he needed help in that aspect of our relationship, I would've gladly tried to work things out with him. I come from a different cultural background from him, and it just so happens that in my culture, money's not a big enough a reason for people to leave a relationship. It's actually one of the lowest on the list. I guess where I'm from, financial hardship is treated as a given, that's why people don't give up relationships that easily because of it. I also considered him family, so I whatever I spent on him, whether it be time, emotional investment, or money, was given unconditionally. My mistake I guess was to assume that he felt that way about me too. I was in really good terms with his siblings and his friends even knew about me. His sister even said that she wanted no one else for her brother but me. I met his mom too and I was given an invitation to visit with them. The one before this ex introduced me to his entire clan and I know that his mom loved me. Some guys get too caught up in themselves to care about others. It's all about their comfort and convenience, and they think that because their ladies are always gonna be there, they just can come and go as they please. You're the "issue" they're gonna "deal with later" when they'd had their fun or when they feel lonely again. Edited August 9, 2011 by gothowitz
JasonRules Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Listen to what the others are telling you and just run. I made the mistake of trying, begging, pleading, making an effort to "work things out" with my ex when she said she needed space and all I did was set myself up for disappointment, agony, torment, and sorrow. I will never ever do this again with anyone. If they tell me "I want space" again, I'll break up with them instantly.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Oh yeah, he is definitely breaking up with you, but is too chicken to actually say it. He doesnt want to deal with you trying to talk him into working it out. From the looks of your other threads, it sounds to me like neither of you ever changed, so he knew your incompatibilities from the beginning, and decided to stay with you until someone else that smokes or lived in the country came along.
Author Carm Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 And here's the thing EVEN if he's had a change of heart and tells me he is now NOT confused, how the hell can you even trust that person again. How would I know that he wouldn't do this again in another 4 months. It's done, I'm done. I have so many men hitting on me, I'm not exactly without any hope of finding the right man. I just hate the whole dating world though. Ugh!!
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