Hp1991 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Hi there, I seem to have an issue that has been on my mind for quite some time. I'm currently in a relationship for abit more than a year and I'm 19 at the moment and he's 28. I think I've thought of and basically heard all about the difficulty in age difference and although I'm still young I have gotten over it. We probably rushed into the relationship abit quicker than I would've or he would've wanted but I do enjoy his company and care about him. I had a talk a few days ago with him about the age difference because it doesn't seem to bother me anymore only occasionally will it actually be seen as something that we have differences about. For him on the other hand is totally the opposite. He feel horrible about it...well he basically doesn't feel "right" ..Ever heard of cradle snatching? I'm betting my money he thinks about that daily. Yes I know we are in totally different phases in life. He's done with school and working whereas I've just started off my degree and have many more years to go . Even with all of this we still think of a future together. It only took me awhile to be able to tell a few friends of mine about him. I know how they would think of him as a guy that has manipulated me and I'm just so hopeless that I beleive him. That is NOT the case. He has never spun lies ,he is quite honest that it's almost unbelievable. In his case his friends will think of him as a guy that can't get a partner therefore going for "younger girls" ..this is also not the case. I don't think we would have ever thought of dating each other.. but we have somehow fallen for each other i suppose. I know that there is age=maturity.. I think I am fairly mature for my age 29 but incomparable to someone at age 28. I base this on the fact that they have gone through life. Yes they've had more years to learn more things about life that I have never gotten the chance to explore yet. In his case it would be his several partners that strikes up a tally compared to mine of 0. His many relationships and experiences whereas this is my first serious relationship! My issue right now would be our talk a few days ago got to the point of should we just call it quits? I don't want to and he cant leave me like that (he has responsibility issues since we've come this far). Our solution?He told me maybe I should dress abit older. I do admit that I have a teenage wardrobe because I'm 19 . But I think he wants me to look like I'm 25 or the least over 22. I don't know what to do. I am 20 but I literally look like I'm 14. I have a petite structure and am mistaken for MUCH younger. Its now an issue because I went out with him and his friend thought I was 15.( talk about shooting me down with an arrow)..I know I can easily walk away and regret it or stay and fix myself? I chose the latter and now I'm stuck on how to achieve it.
Cypress25 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Let me just say I'm with you on the whole "looking young" thing. I'm 25 but people often mistake me for a teenager. It has nothing to do with the way I dress, it's my height. At 5'1" it's impossible to look my age, even when I'm wearing heels. I probably look like I'm 15. If you have the same problem, different clothes won't help, I'm sorry to say. I could wear a business suit and heels, and I would just look like a 15-year-old in a business suit and heels. The right hair style and makeup can help a little, but even that won't make you look much older. So your boyfriend's suggestion wouldn't even work. That said, you're 19. No matter what you wear, you're 19. Even if you could manage to look older, you wouldn't actually be older. So it's pointless. The only reason he suddenly cares about how young you look is because his friends are judging him. He needs to get over that and learn not to let it bother him. Dressing you up to make you look older is not a solution.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Y'know how "we" (society) say you can't buy cigarettes until you are 18.0000 years of age? and y'know how "we" (society) say you can't buy alcohol until you are 21.0000 years of age?? And you know how we check your I.D. at 7-Eleven if you look under 40.0000 years of age??? Well those numbers are rather arbitrary, but despite that they do comprise the absolute standards by which we assess everyone. SO, if indeed YOU have passed your 19th birthday, it doesn't matter whether you look twelve, or four! You are an adult, and "we" (society) will treat you as such. In the same way that we will not put up with an adult dating an actual twelve-year-old (because she is TWELVE), no matter HOW old she looks, "we" (society) will permit you, as an adult, to date any other consenting adult, and we will permit any adult to date you (with your consent). So quit focusing on how old you look, and on what his friends think or might think, and step-up and demand the very same rights known to all other persons of 19 years of age. (you can buy alcohol in less than 2 years, if you happen to be in the U.S.) The rules are what matter... and those rules are black/white and clear for a reason!!
thatone Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 first of all, the two replies you got are way off, but you'll get used to that on this forum, because most people on this forum are selfish and jaded. his issues might not be anything more than the way you dress. from what you say you DO sound more mature than 19. but people stereotype a person based on their appearance, it's just the way humans are. that's one of the things you learn as you grow up. i think you're being a bit extreme with the mentality of "fix yourself". he is grown, you're supposed to be growing up over the next few years. it's not all on you, he will have to be a bit patient. at this point nothing sounds anything other than normal to me, based on what you would expect from two people of the age you describe. if you're telling us all of this i suspect you've been thinking about how you dress and making a change in all of that anyway, which is also normal going from high school to college. if that's the case, take the initiative. tell him you've been thinking about it too, and give it a try. does he have a female friend/family member closer to his age that you get along with who could help? the catch is men are terrible shoppers so you can't really drag him to the mall with you and expect much help, unless he's not like every other man. if you go along with trying all of this the key point to remember is you taking the initiative and doing it yourself. asking for his input is fine, but you need to do it, and you need to be happy doing it on your own without him telling you what to do every step of the way, he won't be comfortable with that. the confidence to do such things for yourself, by yourself, will make him think you're mature enough to handle these things, because...well...if you do that you are. if that's the issue he brought up i don't see any harm in trying the above, the worst case scenario is it doesn't work but you wind up with more clothes, so it's not like this is any huge risk on your part or his.
Author Hp1991 Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I suppose when I wrote this I was trying to figure out if it was something I should do ..As i said before it is my first serious relationship and many things confuse me as to how I should act ,in what manner .etc. I felt abit hurt that I needed to put a mask on myself to seem older. I know its impossible at times..literally for me to look older. I've been mistaken for a 12 year old at the hair salon a few months ago and I was saying something about my class and the dresser thought i was talking about an elementary class.. I am grateful that I look young , at times more than others.. afterall when im 40 i'll only look 20 . -that makes me happier.. It's not so much that I want to do it. .. I haven't really got a problem with how I dress. I pretty much wear the clothes i want to wear. Nothing i dont see a person around my age wearing...maybe I wear joggers when I feel like it .. I didn't see it as a minus factor when I only had 3 hrs of sleep and cram 15hrs of studying in a morning. It's more HIM pushing for me to go shopping.. and I'm not joking .. I've been hearing about going shopping with him for the past 3 months.. and I actually DREAD it. I'm not a crazy shopper.. I pick up the things I'd like to wear , maybe something nice. But it all depends on me ..but he has suggested WE BOTH go shopping for myself. and he would choose things for me ... I am horrified to see a guy choosing my clothes. I feel even more like a kid now.. I have never seen a guy volunteer to shop.. he has some sense of clothing direction but that doesn't take away my horror. BTW he has pushed the fact that he will pay for it all . Shopping trip is on him . I feel like now my clothes aren't fine that i NEED the shopping trip .
Cypress25 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 He sounds a bit controlling. Wear what you want to wear. The man does not need to be dressing you up like a doll, that's all kinds of weird.
thatone Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I suppose when I wrote this I was trying to figure out if it was something I should do ..As i said before it is my first serious relationship and many things confuse me as to how I should act ,in what manner .etc. I felt abit hurt that I needed to put a mask on myself to seem older. I know its impossible at times..literally for me to look older. I've been mistaken for a 12 year old at the hair salon a few months ago and I was saying something about my class and the dresser thought i was talking about an elementary class.. I am grateful that I look young , at times more than others.. afterall when im 40 i'll only look 20 . -that makes me happier.. It's not so much that I want to do it. .. I haven't really got a problem with how I dress. I pretty much wear the clothes i want to wear. Nothing i dont see a person around my age wearing...maybe I wear joggers when I feel like it .. I didn't see it as a minus factor when I only had 3 hrs of sleep and cram 15hrs of studying in a morning. It's more HIM pushing for me to go shopping.. and I'm not joking .. I've been hearing about going shopping with him for the past 3 months.. and I actually DREAD it. I'm not a crazy shopper.. I pick up the things I'd like to wear , maybe something nice. But it all depends on me ..but he has suggested WE BOTH go shopping for myself. and he would choose things for me ... I am horrified to see a guy choosing my clothes. I feel even more like a kid now.. I have never seen a guy volunteer to shop.. he has some sense of clothing direction but that doesn't take away my horror. BTW he has pushed the fact that he will pay for it all . Shopping trip is on him . I feel like now my clothes aren't fine that i NEED the shopping trip . i don't blame you for being horrified, that's why i was asking if there was an older woman there to help, if you really wanted to go along with the suggestion. in no way shape or form would i ever suggest to a woman what clothes to buy, i think he's just setting himself up for failure with that idea. and you would be fine in telling him that, in my opinion.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 first of all, the two replies you got are way off, . . . . you're supposed to be growing up over the next few years. LOL - here is the person who is "way off". I think we all saw the OP insist that she is "nineteen". This means she was supposed to 'grow up' over the last few years. At present, she is an adult, fully grown, and with the right to date other adults as she pleases.
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