red19mn Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Hey all, I was just curious. My friend was with his girlfriend for about 10 months; his girlfriend kept a lot of things from him. For example. My friend is a fairly conservative guy/moral, etc. and, his girlfriend is pretty liberal in her worldly views. His girlfriend has slept with A LOT of men; my friend has only slept with 2 women - including his ex-girlfriend. When he and his girlfriend were dating, my friend asked the question "how many men have you slept with?" to which she responded with the number 4. Now, my friend is okay with that. But, as time passes, he finds out that she was lying and that she has been with 10 times that number. So around 40 guys. So, my friend found out; he wasn't exactly the happiest camper ever. After this happens, his girlfriend tells him, "I liked you so much that I was afraid of losing you, so I didn't tell you the truth." So my question is, was it right for him to leave her? They were pretty compatible in a lot of ways (opposites attract) and they always had a good time together. She was a very fun girl, but from what I hear, girls that get around tend to be pretty fun... I think my friend made the right decision by dumping her, because relationships are built on trust, but I just don't understand his ex-girlfriend's point of view that my friend should get over her past because they are perfect for each other - to completely disregard her dishonest and just live a life of ignorance (pretending it didn't happen) and to just forgive and move on together. I just think it's unfair to my friend that he pretty much got played into falling deeply in love with her. I feel that his heartbreak could've been prevented, if she would've been honest from the very beginning. My friend doesn't go after those type of girls, so i'm pretty sure he would've denied her (even though she's beautiful) at the very beginning. I just don't know what other advice to give my best friend. He's so down right now... so with all that, what is your guys' take on this? Should my friend go against his morals and forgive her for being deceitful and just take her back? Or should my friend stay true to himself and find a girl that respects her body and isn't deceitful? Thanks
TheBigQuestion Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I wouldn't take her back. If a woman (or man) doesn't have the maturity to answer that question truthfully, then she should not answer it at all. Saying crap like "I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would hurt you" is more offensive than hearing 95% of whatever it is that would allegedly hurt the other person in the relationship. Most sensible people get more hurt by the revelation that their significant other lied or misled them than by the revelation of questionable deeds or potential incompatibilities. Trust and honesty are the pillars of any successful relationship. You do something to compromise trust, your relationship can and will take a long time to recover, if it ever does at all.
Author red19mn Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I wouldn't take her back. If a woman (or man) doesn't have the maturity to answer that question truthfully, then she should not answer it at all. Saying crap like "I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would hurt you" is more offensive than hearing 95% of whatever it is that would allegedly hurt the other person in the relationship. Most sensible people get more hurt by the revelation that their significant other lied or misled them than by the revelation of questionable deeds or potential incompatibilities. Trust and honesty are the pillars of any successful relationship. You do something to compromise trust, your relationship can and will take a long time to recover, if it ever does at all. I agree. I find it extremely selfish that she kept this from him, knowing that he would've probably never have gone out with her in the first place. It's like she wanted temporary happiness and she was willing to do whatever for that happiness. It didn't matter to her that it would cause a broken heart in the end...
eerie_reverie Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 No one has asked me that question since I was 20, and I'm glad for it, as I am of the camp that the past is best left in the past. I'm also glad to be dating a guy who does not mind that I'm not a prude. I could see why she felt pressured to lie, but if the number bothers him so much, she's probably better off without him.
Author red19mn Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 No one has asked me that question since I was 20, and I'm glad for it, as I am of the camp that the past is best left in the past. I'm also glad to be dating a guy who does not mind that I'm not a prude. I could see why she felt pressured to lie, but if the number bothers him so much, she's probably better off without him. for sure, she's much better off with someone that doesn't mind being lied to about big things like that. Also, you aren't necessarily a prude if you aren't a complete sl*t, just sayin'. Not saying that you are, either.
stillafool Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 No one has asked me that question since I was 20, and I'm glad for it, as I am of the camp that the past is best left in the past. I'm also glad to be dating a guy who does not mind that I'm not a prude. I could see why she felt pressured to lie, but if the number bothers him so much, she's probably better off without him. Yeah, she probably should have told him the truth in the beginning and said "It's none of your business". Maybe if she had said that he could have drawn his own conclusions and not bothered to date her. I think she is better to move on also.
rafallus Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 When I read title first, I thought she cheated on him and now is saying "get over it" to him. I'm starting to think question about numbers shouldn't even be asked in the first place. You should know, if she's clean or has any children, but otherwise past is past. It was naive of him to expect a honest answer from her, if she slept with many men and sensed he didn't sleep with many girls and would probably judge her for her number.
Woggle Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Anybody who will lie to you from the start will lie about bigger things.
TheBigQuestion Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 No one has asked me that question since I was 20, and I'm glad for it, as I am of the camp that the past is best left in the past. I'm also glad to be dating a guy who does not mind that I'm not a prude. I could see why she felt pressured to lie, but if the number bothers him so much, she's probably better off without him. There's a big difference between being a prude and banging 40 guys and lying about it when asked. I agree that a person has the right to not answer that question, but being intentionally misleading about that sort of thing (or anything else that is central to the compatibility of the relationship) is not excusable.
mark982 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 i believe what you did before the relationship is none of my business, i've never asked any of my partners that question.
Pierre Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Nice guys that are looking for a long term serious relationship prefer women with low mileage. I think that most promiscuous women know this and lie about it. In any event I don't think these two were a match. I assume the guy only slept with a couple of women because it meant something special whereas the gal did not value sex in the same manner. These two are not a match. Plus she is also a liar and liars will cheat the minute they feel a bit unhappy.
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