I miss her so much!

[richhurts]

Hello everyone,

 

Well I'm a 33yr old single dad who just went through the worst breakup in my life. I am completely in love with this woman and truly thought it was going to last. I never saw it coming when she broke up with me.

 

We were together for some time and she also became close to my daughter as well. We never fought and every moment together seemed almost like a dream. We had plans to live together and and she even brought up the idea of marriage sometime beginning next year.

 

Here is the issue, she is only 22 and from Canada, I'm American and didn't have a passport. So getting together was unconventional at best but it worked, we talked about it, and neither one of us seemed to mind it. The problem was with her family, mainly her mother. I never met nor talked to her but she hated me, and let the ex know that everyday. Her sole purpose for hating me was because, I was older and had a child or at least that's what I was told.

 

The breakup happened about 2 weeks ago and it hurts more now than it has since it all happened. When I received a text from her saying how much she loved me to 15 minutes later saying she was sorry but was not mentally fit for this relationship, that she wasn't going to choose her family over me, and that she was sorry that she did but didn't think she loved me enough to continue. I never asked her to choose but I imagine her mother did. I was devastated and so was my daughter. I felt so destroyed in all this because I have never once felt so much love, openness, and peace with anyone ever in my entire life. I felt as If I died.

 

I didn't help matters because, I kept being persistent in talking with her about all of it. I was foolish because, it only seemed to send her away further. Her mother and I even got into it, which shouldn't of happened but, it did.

 

I lost what I thought was the love of my life and my best friend. I miss her so much and all I want is her back.

Edited August 8, 2011 by richhurts

[smudge21]

So sorry to read this. There's no easy fix for the pain you're going through with only time being your healer now.

 

Sadly, parental influence can be so over powering and hard to argue against. You end up coming out as the bad guy - blood is always thicker than water remember.

 

I know it's been two weeks but how long since any contact was last made? There's a lot of emotion and tension alround at the moment and everyone needs to have some time to think things through, especially you and her.

 

After a period of no contact, come back here and see how you feel. It may be time to send her a letter, just going through what's on your mind and how you feel about the whole situation. With a break like this I would not suggest just going no contact and moving on, as the split wasn't decided totally by either you, it was heavily influenced from what you've told me.

 

I think you are going to face a struggle to get things back but nothing's impossible. This girl is an adult and has to work out what is best for her. She has to live her own life. Some time apart may make her realise that.

 

Stay strong for now - concentrate on yourself. If she gets in touch in the meantime then see what she has to say and seriously think about it before you reply.

[richhurts]

It's been about a week and a half since we've talked and she told one of my friends today how much of a jerk I am and I was a jerk, after we broke up and probably put one hell of a guilt trip on her. I couldn't understand what was happening at the time this all happened and as to why because for me, when I love someone enough, my family's opinion doesn't matter. This is her words as to why:

 

I'm not ready for this relationship.. I'm not ready to grow up n settle down I guess.. I like you but I don't think I like u enough And my family hates my guts for dating you.. I'm sorry but family does come first I'm sorry I picked them over u

It's not that I don't love you I care about u but I'm not mentally in this relationship and it's not fair to you.. Neither of our families want us together.. And now I just can't handle that it's getting worse. I'm not going to give up my family I'm sorry..

I'm sorry but u will always hold a piece of my heart I won't ever forget you n I really do hope things will turn out for the better. It was a great time with you and I'm sorry that i am letting you go but everything is gonna be alright okay!!

 

 

If I was going to sit down and write her a letter, I wouldn't know where to start or what to say at this point. I feel any contact is going to push her away but feel that no contact will do the same as well. If I wrote to her I don't even know if she would read it or not.

 

That was also my argument with her mother because I wrote her stating that while she doesn't know me I never once wanted to burden her family nor was looking for someone to replace my daughters mother and that if she felt that way I was sorry.

 

She proceeded at that point to call me childish, possessive, and controlling. because of how much the ex was over here and how she got here.

 

I once again apologized and then got a little bit nasty with her saying that there is going to come a point when she is going to have to let her daughter go and be a woman, that she couldn't shelter her like that and then asked her why she felt her daughter always wanted to be here with me. Then to foot in mouth came out and I said to get away from you.

 

After that the ex broke all contact and haven't talked with her since. Her mother is so controlling that she won't let her daughter use her car to finish her drivers test in fear of her leaving.

Edited August 8, 2011 by richhurts

[richhurts]

So when should I break NC and how?

[Allisha]

So when should I break NC and how?

....you shouldn't.

 

I'm being serious. Don't break it. Only contact her again if you two have stuff belonging to each other. Even then, try to get anyone but her to get the stuff and pass it on.

[smudge21]

From reading your second post I think there's been a few bridges burnt there my friend. You need to back off now, totally 100% go no contact with anyone related to her in any way. Any contact from you will not help the situation but will make things so much worse.

 

You have to put yourself in her shoes; she's virtually having to chose between you and her family. That was never going to be easy and in all fairness, it was never going to be you, not at that young age. Maybe in the future, but not now. And you have to accept there's nothing you can do to change that situation.

 

No one can say what will happen in the future - maybe after you're healed you'll hear from her, maybe you won't, maybe by then you'll have met someone else and this pain will be a distant memory. Either way, you need to try and stay focused on healing now. It's not going to be easy and there will be so many times where you'll be tempted to break NC, but please don't do it - think it through and remember what is being said in this thread.

 

This is all about respect now - respect for her choices, respect for her families decision and most importantly respect for yourself. If you make contact and continue to do so, that respect will be destroyed. Please don't do it.

[richhurts]

Thank you all for the advice and I am doing exactly what was told. It's been 2 weeks now since I last spoken with her and to be honest, it hurts more now than it did when we first broke up. It's very difficult to adjust and almost unbearable. There is just so much that was left unanswered.

 

During the relationship everything appeared to be great, we never argued and everything just flowed so well between us. During the initial breakup ya I did do it wrong, acted childish, desperate, and was completely, to be blunt, a a**hole.

 

I've had my share of relationships and have moved on but this one is the hardest to let go. There is just that sense in my heart that there is just to much left unfinished.

 

I know NC is best but, I do want to contact her and apologize for my actions and maybe even get some closure. I won't break NC however, the emotions just seem to get worse as each day passes.

 

 

Edit: I guess the reason for taking this so hard is because this is the first woman, ever I had been completely open and honest with. And for the first time ever, if asked, I could explain why I love her and the things I love so much about her. Before with every other women, if asked my response would of been because I just do. I shared feelings and thoughts with her that I didn't even share with my ex-wife. I honestly felt she was my best friend as well as my lover. The day she came to get her stuff, I could see the pain in her eyes and she looked as if she hadn't been sleeping or anything so, I know she still cares. Like I said I messed up during the breakup. I lost my lover because of her family but I lost my best friend because of me. I want my best friend back at the very least because I miss our conversations.

Edited August 17, 2011 by richhurts

[fetish1980]

sorry for your pain. how long were you together?

 

fetish

[richhurts]

As a couple only about 8 months as friends over 2 years. The sad part is she was a major figure in my daughters life. She actually insisted upon it since her degree is in early childhood development. See I don't plan things, ever, I just go with the flow. Sonya however would sit down, write things out and we would go from there. I agreed to all of it because I felt that this was what she wanted to do.

 

My daughter btw hasn't had a mother figure in over 5 years at that point, when Sonya and I started dating, which is half her life, she is only 10. She hasn't spoken to her real mother in over 2 years. That isn't my fault either. Her mother knew we were moving, and in the process cancelled her phone and I have not been able to contact her since, and I've looked and have spent countless hours trying to find her but, she pops up nowhere.

 

To add to it all and how I came about to gain custody of my daughter is this, I was in the Navy, her mother and I split but worked out an agreement to where I would get her every weekend. However, Her mother is a bi-polar schizophrenic and would beat my daughter and threaten to kill her. I found out that my daughter had her shoulder dislocated by her mother because she wanted a cookie. I promptly went to court and won custody.

 

So here I am with a child who has no desire to see her mother, ever again and she even asked me months ago if I would allow her to take her mother to court to say she isn't her mother. Anyways, I introduce Sonya into her life (Which out of all the people I've ever dated, Sonya is the first woman I've let meet my child), and Mary immediately attached and wanted/wants her to be her new mother so badly. And Sonya wanted it too. Months after we started seeing each other she told me that I was the first and only man she ever felt comfortable with and asked me to marry her, granted she's young, but the look in her eyes was so assuring, and me at that point was already so in love I said yes we will get married some day. So I know she loves me, and probably misses me as much as I miss her.

 

It's been said before and I even told her this in the days of breaking up when she told me she just couldn't handle it any more, because her mother was applying so much pressure on her for being with me. I told her that no matter what you do, your family will always be there for you even if they don't agree.

 

So that's my story, sorry for the long words but it actually feels good to get it out

Edited August 17, 2011 by richhurts