antinko Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) To cut a long story short, I was a devoted boyfriend and I got dumped for cliche reasons. The point is, though, I was devoted; I loved her. It's now been two months and one week since we broke up and I've been through the stages of grief. I even thought I was getting better at one point, but I made some mistakes breaking NC and it caused the grieving process to start all over again. I don't want to get back with my ex because she hurt me too much. Neither do I wish to be her friend because I don't respect her. And that's the problem... I know people change. I know feelings change, but I was always proud of the fact I was a good boyfriend. I am proud of being a good man, or at least trying my best. But I cannot deny my current feelings: I intensely dislike and don't respect my ex. I think she treated me very unfairly, showed little respect towards me as a person before breaking up and throughout it, and she made me feel really bad about myself. Near the end, she said there was nobody else and she said she never cheated on me, but at this stage, I'm not sure if I even believe that. Why would she have said she'd never cheated? Maybe she was about to. I don't know. She made some superficial comments about my appearance which were misplaced, but uncalled for. I never commented on the less appealing aspects of her. She seemed to have my hard working conscientious nature pinned down as 'autistic' near the end of the relationship and she was insulting in other ways too. I knew she fell out of love with me, but I loved her. Throughout the grieving process, I've started to feel that, actually, she was just very mean. The girl who I thought was a bit lost, I now feel as though she's simply poisonous. I don't know. Whether I'm right or wrong about her, the point is that I now question my judgement of character and I distrust, dislike and don't respect her. I have a problem with these feelings. I feel like I'm a bad person for thinking these things about another person, especially one I once cherished. Is it normal to feel this way? She didn't commit war crimes, but she hurt me more than she should have done. She's been through multiple relationships before and is now 28. I am 25 and have had fewer relationships - this is the first time I've been 'dumped'. Am I wrong to feel these negative emotions towards her? Am I justified feeling as though she should, after her experiences of jumping out of relationships, at least know how to break up without being so horrible about it? Surely she should know better at her age? I know she isn't old, but still...it's close to 30. I wish I could just stop thinking about her. Part of me wants to be on good terms with her, but I feel like the very thought of her is poisoning me as a person. I've never felt this much resentment for anyone before. I feel like I truly loved her, but she turned out to be a lie... In another thread, I mentioned I was beyond my limit on alcohol and I can't remember whether I sent her a message or not. I don't think I did, but I know I was thinking about it. I sent her a message this morning acting under the assumption that I hadn't sent anything and was simply asking for some information she said she'd give me if I needed it. No reply yet and I'm trying not to think about it. As I said, I don't want her back. Emotionally, I miss the connection we once had but I know it's dead now. The girl I loved isn't the girl I thought she was. I suppose that's progress - I did want her back for a time. I really just wish I could remove her from my mind. I know that I'll one day find someone more suitable. I know it's not the end of the world, but why am I so caught up on this girl who I feel in my heart of hearts never deserved me? I'm coming back to pedestals, but why on one hand have I got her on a pedestal, but then on the other think she's worthless? So conflicted. I think I know my answer. I know I need to focus on rebuilding me like I was doing. I know it doesn't matter what she thinks of me and I know NC is the way forward. I know getting drunk that once was a slip. I just need some input on this conflict of feeling I have over her. I'd like to forgive her but I know I wouldn't mean it if I said I did right now. Edited August 8, 2011 by antinko
CaliBabe Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 it's normal. you should be very proud of being a good boyfriend. trust me, that is not something someone forgets. when something happens or she feels down or gets mistreated elsewhere she will remember how good she had it with you. you know you did your best and you can look back with no regrets. keep your head up.
Author antinko Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Thanks. I know I wouldn't be feeling this way if I never truly cared. I just feel bad now because I have the suspicion that, even if I never said anything directly to her, she knows I dislike her and I distrust her...
lonelynyc Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Man, it's crazy how similar our stories are. My ex had been extremely cruel towards the end of our relationship and throughout the break up "process" (I made the same mistakes of breaking NC). She would basically ask me to do chores while she hit the town and socialized. I used to look at men who were reduced to that as shameful creatures and lo and behold I became one. I was so needy and irrationally in love that I let her say all sorts of horrible things about my personality, social skills, even my appearance. I can really relate to that continuing desire to speak with these people that hurt us and gave us plenty of reasons to resent them. I think on a subconscious level we long for their approval because they made us feel so unworthy and low, we just can't get our confidence back. We owe it to ourselves to become strong men again, to function as independent people who need not for external approval. You're off to a good start by recognizing that you were a good boyfriend to her. Realize your worth. Surround yourself with people who love you.
Author antinko Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Man, it's crazy how similar our stories are. My ex had been extremely cruel towards the end of our relationship and throughout the break up "process" (I made the same mistakes of breaking NC). She would basically ask me to do chores while she hit the town and socialized. I used to look at men who were reduced to that as shameful creatures and lo and behold I became one. I was so needy and irrationally in love that I let her say all sorts of horrible things about my personality, social skills, even my appearance. I can really relate to that continuing desire to speak with these people that hurt us and gave us plenty of reasons to resent them. I think on a subconscious level we long for their approval because they made us feel so unworthy and low, we just can't get our confidence back. We owe it to ourselves to become strong men again, to function as independent people who need not for external approval. You're off to a good start by recognizing that you were a good boyfriend to her. Realize your worth. Surround yourself with people who love you. Thanks, that's helpful. You're right, I do want her to think good of me, but as I said, I think she realizes that I no longer do and that is going to affect her opinion. Unfortunately, I think further contact with her will just turn into a cycle of negativity and things will just blow up way out of proportion. I am picking myself up. I refuse to feel like I was a doormat to her - I was just a good boyfriend and did what any guy should do for a deserving girl. I worked hard and we made plans for the future which I acted upon. I never procrastinated. I took her out to dinner and other places and was...well...just good to her. I don't need to her to respond to my message. I don't need her validation. I don't need her. I just wish I could keep up this attitude! I might start a journal on here to keep track of my progress - I'll give it a think. I ordered that 'Getting Past Your Break Up' book and I'm setting some goals for myself. Hopefully I won't be so up and down now. One thing's for certain anyway: no more alcohol for me. I can't tolerate it while I'm doing so much exercise - I turn into lightweight of the century...
lonelynyc Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Yeah, I haven't touched booze since breaking up. I feel like alcohol should be enjoyed when you're feeling good about life and yourself and know how to control your intake. Drinking to cope with heartbreak is never smart (or safe). Exercise is great, playing pick-up basketball on the weekends has really made improved my spirits--the socializing, all the physical activity, it's great.
fetish1980 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 it's normal to feel the way you feel. Just don't let it turn in to hatred because that will be more harmful for you than her. Try to forgive your ex but don't forget the things she's done and the way she made you feel. Sometimes our mind can tend to play tricks on us as time passes on we forget why things ended. So a little bit of resentment is actually healthy. fetish
california15 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I agree with the above posters that yes it's normal. With my ex its the only time in my life I can say I've never had more love and more hate for the same person at the same time. Its a very... weird yet intriguing feeling, because it is so conflicting. I know its hard to not care, because their opinion mattered for so long, whether she knows how you feel about her now. When you the relationship ended, so did her opinion mattering. you have a wonderful atitude towards the whole thing, which I think will help your recovery process.
Mack05 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Forgive her mate. I went through a phase where I literally hated my ex. I felt she was a cruel, heartless, vindictive, spiteful and nasty person. Who I didn't respect or remotely like as person, for what she did to me. I realised the only way I would move on with my life and find a healthy relationship in the future was to forgive her. By forgiving her, the grip she had over me was released. Now, I hardly ever think of her and when I do, I hope she is happy. If you don't forgive her, you give her too much power over you and she doesn't deserve it. The best revenge you can get on an ex, is to live your life well...If you stay consumed with anger and hate/dislike it will effect your health and eventually it will effect you as a person going forward..Let it go mate.. http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ Edited August 8, 2011 by Mack05
Author antinko Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Thanks guys and yeh, I have this feeling I need to forgive her. I know I won't rest easy until I do. Thanks for the link Mack; I'm reading it now.
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