Hepburn76 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Hello - new to this, so be kind Okay - will try and keep this as short as possible, but could really do with some advice to find out whether it's me being me, or what... I signed up to an internet dating website - I split from my long term boyfriend of 10 years about 18 months previously, so felt the time was right to get back out there and dating. It took me a long time to get over my ex and even now I don't know whether I should have had counselling. Basically we were together for just over 10 years - the first 3/4 years were fine, really normal etc. Then he just went off sex completely. Everytime we would go away for a weekend, he would have some excuse, like he had a headache, was unwell etc, etc. Well, I started to think it must be me that I was grossly unattractive to him, had a hideous body, just didn't fancy me. He would reassure me it wasn't me, but the problem was with him - he just had a low sex drive, wasn't interested in sex and had issues about his weight. So for the last 5/6 years of the relationship, I went along with that as I loved him and he could be romantic in other ways, even though I knew it wasn't normal and I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. Then Xmas 2009, I don't know what possessed me, but I looked at his bank statement and found items he had brought - an expensive watch, jewellery and women's underwear. Well, alarm bells started going off as I hadn't been given a watch, jewellery or underwear for Christmas. I thought perhaps teh watch and jewerllery may have been for his mom as they were close, but she didn't get any of these gifts either, so I wondered whether he had somebody else. As it was, on his birthday, I was unwell and was unable to go out, so given that he hated (so he said) his birthday, I said we would do something nice when I was better. Unbeknown to me, he rang another girl and took her ot for dinner and drinks - I didn't even know who she was, but apparently they were just "good friends." He had a separate group of friends that he wouldn't allow me to meet - he would disappear for weekends and I would sit at home torturing myself, knowing it wasn't right, but I loved him and I suppose I trusted him. Anyway, I confronted him about the bank statement and he couldn't prove anything and I'd come to the end o the line and told him that if he didn't tell me the truth, I would walk out and wouldnt come back. That's precisely what I did and he didn't try and say sorry, win me back, nothing - it was like I had never existed. Turns out for the last 5 years he had another woman, and they are now together - well they had been all along really. Then recently somebody wanted a surveyor to do some work on their home. Despite everything, I knew he was good at his job, so passed his cell phone number to them. I couldn't remember teh address, so said to Google it and it would come up with the work address. This person got back to me and said I must have made a mistake as this number took them to a gay dominatrix website. So I had a look for myself and sure enough, there was my ex boyfriend advertising for men. NOt only that, but he had taken photos of his downstairs region, then there was pictures of him in women's underwear etc, and videos with him with a dildo up his bum. So fast forward 18 months and I have met a sincere, lovely guy - I like him a lot. He is the opposite of my ex. He has already introduced me to his friends. He is just lovely, however, I am so worried and stressed about taking the relationship further as I am worried he is going to think how useless I am in the bedroom department - it's been such a long time and I feel like a freak. Becauses of my ex, I have issues about sex now and I am trying to banish these, but at the same time, I feel like I am pushing this new guy away as I keep saying I want to take it slow - it's been about 6 weeks now (so very early days), but .... Plus because of everything that has happened, I feel I am holding back and I just don't want to get hurt - i know that's a gamble in any relationship, bt just some advice really would be so good right now.... Thanks for reading!!
bluenightowl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Hello - new to this, so be kind Okay - will try and keep this as short as possible, but could really do with some advice to find out whether it's me being me, or what... I signed up to an internet dating website - I split from my long term boyfriend of 10 years about 18 months previously, so felt the time was right to get back out there and dating. It took me a long time to get over my ex and even now I don't know whether I should have had counselling. Basically we were together for just over 10 years - the first 3/4 years were fine, really normal etc. Then he just went off sex completely. Everytime we would go away for a weekend, he would have some excuse, like he had a headache, was unwell etc, etc. Well, I started to think it must be me that I was grossly unattractive to him, had a hideous body, just didn't fancy me. He would reassure me it wasn't me, but the problem was with him - he just had a low sex drive, wasn't interested in sex and had issues about his weight. So for the last 5/6 years of the relationship, I went along with that as I loved him and he could be romantic in other ways, even though I knew it wasn't normal and I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. Then Xmas 2009, I don't know what possessed me, but I looked at his bank statement and found items he had brought - an expensive watch, jewellery and women's underwear. Well, alarm bells started going off as I hadn't been given a watch, jewellery or underwear for Christmas. I thought perhaps teh watch and jewerllery may have been for his mom as they were close, but she didn't get any of these gifts either, so I wondered whether he had somebody else. As it was, on his birthday, I was unwell and was unable to go out, so given that he hated (so he said) his birthday, I said we would do something nice when I was better. Unbeknown to me, he rang another girl and took her ot for dinner and drinks - I didn't even know who she was, but apparently they were just "good friends." He had a separate group of friends that he wouldn't allow me to meet - he would disappear for weekends and I would sit at home torturing myself, knowing it wasn't right, but I loved him and I suppose I trusted him. Anyway, I confronted him about the bank statement and he couldn't prove anything and I'd come to the end o the line and told him that if he didn't tell me the truth, I would walk out and wouldnt come back. That's precisely what I did and he didn't try and say sorry, win me back, nothing - it was like I had never existed. Turns out for the last 5 years he had another woman, and they are now together - well they had been all along really. Then recently somebody wanted a surveyor to do some work on their home. Despite everything, I knew he was good at his job, so passed his cell phone number to them. I couldn't remember teh address, so said to Google it and it would come up with the work address. This person got back to me and said I must have made a mistake as this number took them to a gay dominatrix website. So I had a look for myself and sure enough, there was my ex boyfriend advertising for men. NOt only that, but he had taken photos of his downstairs region, then there was pictures of him in women's underwear etc, and videos with him with a dildo up his bum. So fast forward 18 months and I have met a sincere, lovely guy - I like him a lot. He is the opposite of my ex. He has already introduced me to his friends. He is just lovely, however, I am so worried and stressed about taking the relationship further as I am worried he is going to think how useless I am in the bedroom department - it's been such a long time and I feel like a freak. Becauses of my ex, I have issues about sex now and I am trying to banish these, but at the same time, I feel like I am pushing this new guy away as I keep saying I want to take it slow - it's been about 6 weeks now (so very early days), but .... Plus because of everything that has happened, I feel I am holding back and I just don't want to get hurt - i know that's a gamble in any relationship, bt just some advice really would be so good right now.... Thanks for reading!! I suspect you will have this emotional baggage for a while. The thing is, its okay to feel the way you do. I think communicating that you want to take it slow is a great move on your part. As a guy, if I really liked someone and she was acting aloof, and then if she told me, its not because I don't like you, but because I have trust issues, I would respect that person a lot and take me time to reassure her.
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