Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I thought that this would be a good thread for those younger members of this board to see how many of us have reconciled what love is like in our imaginations, and what an actual relationship is like. Let me premise this by saying this: Life is not a fairy tale and women are biologically the picker of the sexes as we are in charge of picking a mate who is "suitable" for raising our children. That being said, throughout the years, especially when I was younger I found myself struggling with what I thought a relationship should be like, and what a relationship actually was. And naturally, the same thing happened when it came to my partners. Of course, I made some big mistakes when it came to choosing who I wanted to engage in a relationship with but the world quickly put me back in my place. I remember when I was younger I had all these romantic ideals that I thought had to happen for a relationship to be successful, but again, I was wrong. I thought that relationships should be easy and any struggle meant that your relationship was doomed, again I was wrong. I thought relationships were rainbows and butterflies. The one thing that I didn't change, although I was getting to the point where I thought I was going to have to, were my ideals for the men I would consider dating. I was beginning to think that my 'dream man' (my realistic dream man that is) wasn't really realistic at all, nor was he out there waiting for me ... but he was. I've come to realize that relationships are compromises made between two people who care about each other because they want to spend time together. It takes more work than I ever imagined, and while there are those moments that take your breath away, they aren't what I imagined them to be -- they are smaller, like laying on the couch together with my head on his chest and him singing along quietly to one of my favorite songs. So I ask you LS members, how did you reconcile what you thought relationships were to what they are actually like? Is it something you're still struggling with? Or do you refuse to give up on what you imagined your perfect relationship to be like?
irc333 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I'm glad you brought this Author Laura Gottlieb, there's an article and video clip of her expressing how women are very unrealistic these days and should come to realize what SHOULD matter to them in dating. You gotta watch this Funny how one woman said, "You could meet the love of your life at an nursing home." lol The case of settling for "Mr Good Enough". She suggest any woman over 30 should start getting realistic, and not just overlook decent guys instead of skipping over them/him....passing many opportunities on guys only because they are looking for just the right "Chemistry". Funny, I get a kick out of even women over 40 that write their profile on how they are looking for their "Knight and shining armor coming to SWEEP THEM OFF THEIR FEET!" As a man approaching 40, makes me puke when I see a woman of maturity saying that.
Sanman Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Well, I think that it depends on your situation more than anything. However, I am learning that something has to give in every relationship. People have reasons for being in every relationship and you need to sort those reasons out. You may have found your ideal man, but I have never found my ideal. I have yet to find the personality traits, kindness, and appreciation of the cute average looking girls I date in the very attractive ones I have dated. Those with more options simply take more for granted and expect more. That is the game. The question became the relative importance of these things in my life and having to decide my priorities as I have gotten older. As for relationships themselves, I have noticed my life that passion and sparks in the beginning of a relationship are seldom a good indicator of a healthy long term relationship prospect. I have found that smoldering beginnings often lead to fires that often burn down the house. Better than that is the quiet comfort of an appreciative and dedicated partner. Just what I learned through my experiences.
April72 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Well I'm 39 twice divorced and still searching... LOL. Some of us are just harder headed then others. I think my expectations are pretty simple... but I'm starting to wonder. LOL
SteveC80 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Its pathetic when adult grown up women still believe in fairytales and have no idea how real life relationships really are Women are definitely more impressionable and naive then Men a a whole
Woggle Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think the best way to go about is make sure you can live up to the standards you set for others. Make sure you can deliver and then it will be easier finding somebody who can deliver as well.
Author Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I'm glad you brought this Author Laura Gottlieb, there's an article and video clip of her expressing how women are very unrealistic these days and should come to realize what SHOULD matter to them in dating. You gotta watch this Funny how one woman said, "You could meet the love of your life at an nursing home." lol The case of settling for "Mr Good Enough". She suggest any woman over 30 should start getting realistic, and not just overlook decent guys instead of skipping over them/him....passing many opportunities on guys only because they are looking for just the right "Chemistry". Funny, I get a kick out of even women over 40 that write their profile on how they are looking for their "Knight and shining armor coming to SWEEP THEM OFF THEIR FEET!" As a man approaching 40, makes me puke when I see a woman of maturity saying that. When I was about 15, I wanted to be swept off my feet too. But I haven't in a very long time. All I want is a partner, someone to stand next to me and support me, someone who I will then in turn support. I want to be a better person because of the one I'm with and I want him to feel the same way. It makes me sad for women who feel like they need to be "rescued", and even more sad for the men who rescue them. My current boyfriend had an ex who he "rescued" from an abusive relationship - and what did she do, went and cheated on him with the abuser who she is now back with. Forget those silly women, they don't even know what they want from life or what they are really looking for in a relationship. I will say, I had a man in my mind for a very long time who was my "ideal man", someone who had all the traits I was looking for personality wise, and someone I shared common interests with that I could go through my life with. I had no expectations of what he would look like, only expectations of personality, and common interests. I was really starting to wonder if I would ever meet this man and if my expectations were just much to high. Until he came into my life and I couldn't believe it. I don't and never will expect him to sweep me off my feet, he does enough by letting me know he's thinking of me, being patient, kind and considerate with me. I wouldn't ever really say I lowered my expectations when it comes to my current boyfriend, or if it works out for a boyfriend in the future, simply that I narrowed down what was really important to me, and it came down to more emotional things than physical things. I know for me, chemistry is very important, but I think what chemistry means to me and what it means to others is different. For me it's not butterflies in my stomach, it's a connection, a conversation flow and common interests. It's his ability to make me laugh and lift me up when I'm feeling down. It's the fact that his smile makes me smile ... It's not some feeling that they say you get in the movies. Well, I think that it depends on your situation more than anything. However, I am learning that something has to give in every relationship. People have reasons for being in every relationship and you need to sort those reasons out. You may have found your ideal man, but I have never found my ideal. I have yet to find the personality traits, kindness, and appreciation of the cute average looking girls I date in the very attractive ones I have dated. Those with more options simply take more for granted and expect more. That is the game. The question became the relative importance of these things in my life and having to decide my priorities as I have gotten older. As for relationships themselves, I have noticed my life that passion and sparks in the beginning of a relationship are seldom a good indicator of a healthy long term relationship prospect. I have found that smoldering beginnings often lead to fires that often burn down the house. Better than that is the quiet comfort of an appreciative and dedicated partner. Just what I learned through my experiences. For me, looks have very little to do with it. I've been told several times "do you know how lucky your boyfriend is to have you" (concerning looks) and I always respond, he knows he's lucky to have me, but I feel so lucky for having him. He might not be handsome to everyone else, but he's SO handsome to me. His eyes, his dimples, the way his arms embrace me ... Honestly, because we met online looks had almost nothing to do with me being attracted to him on my end, and everything to do with me being drawn in by his personality. I agree with what you said though, for me it's the slow and steady relationships that (hopefully) don't burn out, the ones where you're given room to grow with each other that matter the most. I'm glad that I got my priorities in line and found what I'm looking for. Now hopefully we can just work it all out.
Sanman Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I'm glad you brought this Author Laura Gottlieb, there's an article and video clip of her expressing how women are very unrealistic these days and should come to realize what SHOULD matter to them in dating. You gotta watch this Funny how one woman said, "You could meet the love of your life at an nursing home." lol The case of settling for "Mr Good Enough". She suggest any woman over 30 should start getting realistic, and not just overlook decent guys instead of skipping over them/him....passing many opportunities on guys only because they are looking for just the right "Chemistry". Funny, I get a kick out of even women over 40 that write their profile on how they are looking for their "Knight and shining armor coming to SWEEP THEM OFF THEIR FEET!" As a man approaching 40, makes me puke when I see a woman of maturity saying that. Ah yes, this sparked a lot controversy a while back as well as spawned many threads here on LS. I think I even started one a long time ago. An interesting philosophical debate.
Author Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Its pathetic when adult grown up women still believe in fairytales and have no idea how real life relationships really are Women are definitely more impressionable and naive then Men a a whole I agree, I'm not saying that the woman I'm talking about is grown, as a matter of fact, she's very young but what upsets me is her expectations in relationships. I see her on this roller coaster ride that she put herself on and refuses to jump off. She thinks that relationships are a fairy tale, and they aren't. I hope that she's able to reconcile her expectations and reality before she ends up in a marriage that is built on a fairy tale and doomed for failure. I've seen this time and time again in my friends over the years, and it makes them sad for me. Actually it makes me want to beat some sense into them.
Els Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) I do think many LSers are caught up in the expectation of a perfect relationship. It's saddeningly evident in the advice many give - breaking up and finding someone 'better and more suitable' is seen as a band-aid to every single problem posted about here. Bf doesn't want to come back early from work to have dinner with you? Break up! Gf gained 15 lbs? Break up! Husband is messy and she is tidy? You both shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, this is going to eat at you, best divorce now! At one point, I nearly threw away a relationship that was 99% good, because I was expecting no less than perfection. It has been nearly two years since that time now, and I am so glad I did not. So, I may sound jaded, but I would say that the first step to reconciling reality with unrealistic expectations would be to take the things some people say here with a grain of salt. I don't know a single person who fits some peoples' expectations, and I don't think they themselves do either. Edited August 8, 2011 by Elswyth
Author Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I do think many LSers are caught up in the expectation of a perfect relationship. It's saddeningly evident in the advice many give - breaking up and finding someone 'better and more suitable' is seen as a band-aid to every single problem posted about here. Bf doesn't want to come back early from work to have dinner with you? Break up! Gf gained 15 lbs? Break up! Husband is messy and she is tidy? You both shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, this is going to eat at you, best divorce now! At one point, I nearly threw away a relationship that was 99% good, because I was expecting no less than perfection. It has been nearly two years since that time now, and I am so glad I did not. So, I may sound jaded, but I would say that the first step to reconciling reality with unrealistic expectations would be to take the things some people say here with a grain of salt. I don't know a single person who fits some peoples' expectations, and I don't think they themselves do either. This is actually largely what spurred me on in making this thread. I'm shocked over the things that people are encouraged to break up with one other over. That's not how a relationship works -- if you love each other, and have a problem in the relationship, you communicate about it and work on it together. You give the person a chance to change. For example, with the weight thing, my boyfriend has recently lost a ton of weight, and me, not so much. I'm working on it though, and he's not frustrated with me at all, as a matter of fact he was CONCERNED when I said I was going to exercise more (I have herniated discs in my back). He says he knows I'll reach my weight goal when I reach it and all he cares about is me being happy with myself. Now, or after I lose 30lbs. The little issues in life, such as someone not being as tidy as you are can be worked on through encouragement and communication. I would never break up with my boyfriend because he left dishes in the sink, I would tell him to do his own dishes. I see time and time again on this forum, and other forums that have to do with relationships - oh you're having a problem, dump the person you're with and find someone better. While in some cases, that's true, I really think dumping someone over immaterial things demonstrates immaturity at it's highest level. I don't think that there is a single person out there in the world who is perfect. I have issues in my own relationship, but we work on them, together. Why would I throw away something so wonderful over something so unimportant? Perfection should never be expected, it'll never come, but by being realistic you can realize that perfection isn't what we need in the first place.
dasein Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Author Laura Gottlieb, there's an article and video clip of her expressing how women are very unrealistic these days and should come to realize what SHOULD matter to them in dating. You gotta watch this. The marketing message women are bombarded with, "you can have it all" sells billions and billions worth of products and services today. It is the equivalent of beer commercial marketing targeted at men implying "drink this beer and you will get laid by hot chicks" x 10 in its scope and overuse. Notice the highly slanted reception when someone makes a common sense observation contrary to the "you can have it all" sacred cow. First, they set up four very average looking women that most female viewers could identify with, all who disagree with Gottlieb, then the announcer emphasizes that Gottlieb is herself unmarried, while the fantasyland "you can have it all" matchmaker is happily married. LOL. Finally, Gottlieb's position is distorted into settling for some "less-than" guy as opposed to her actual message, "women should be more realistic in setting their criteria for selecting men." Bet I could find several blogs branding Gottlieb as a closet or out and out misogynist for contradicting the gospel and advocating a very middle of the road position that women apply more common sense and less "have it all" thinking in their romantic lives. A happily married woman with children consumes far less impulsively than a stressed, single career woman with a high income. Think on that.
Sanman Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 For me, looks have very little to do with it. I've been told several times "do you know how lucky your boyfriend is to have you" (concerning looks) and I always respond, he knows he's lucky to have me, but I feel so lucky for having him. He might not be handsome to everyone else, but he's SO handsome to me. His eyes, his dimples, the way his arms embrace me ... Honestly, because we met online looks had almost nothing to do with me being attracted to him on my end, and everything to do with me being drawn in by his personality. I agree with what you said though, for me it's the slow and steady relationships that (hopefully) don't burn out, the ones where you're given room to grow with each other that matter the most. I'm glad that I got my priorities in line and found what I'm looking for. Now hopefully we can just work it all out. I don't know. The reason I mentioned looks is that the good looking women I have dated have so many options now that they never give a relationship a chance. As Elswyth mentioned, they break up for any reason. I dated more attractive professional women than I can count when I was the guy with the right career in the right zip code. When I moved to the suburbs to be closer to a sick family member, I was shocked at the dating fall off. I was still the same guy, but it was that easy to be written off. My current relationship is LDR and she is a wonderful woman who makes me very happy personality-wise. We took the time to really get to know each other. Physically, I think she is cute and has a very pretty face. However, she could stand to lose about 15 lbs and tone up a bit. Her best friend is slim and toned more like the women I usually date. She also recently started dating a guy. When we go out, every time, this guy turns his back a new guy is hitting on her. The thing is, if I were dating that girl, she would likely have never given me a chance due to the distance or maybe and other host of small issues as the many women I went through living in the city had done. Sure, my girl gets hit on, but as she may have fewer truly good options she appreciates me more and has the incentive to make it work. I don't know for sure...it may simply be her personality and even if got in better shape she may appreciate me. However, I am a bit cynical as my experiences tell me different.
Els Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Very wise, and very true. I love your post. I think this forum in large is based on the 'instant gratification, many fish in the sea' culture taking over modern society. And it is rather sad. Admittedly some people are giving that advice because they themselves have had a bitter experience where a small problem escalated into something that caused a divorce, and they think they should have 'seen it from the beginning'. But perhaps they don't realize that even though they wasted many years of their life on something 'preventable had they seen the signs', if they had jumped at every sign they would possibly never have even experienced a single LTR to begin with, because they would have given nothing a chance. Edited August 8, 2011 by Elswyth
OliveOyl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I do think many LSers are caught up in the expectation of a perfect relationship. It's saddeningly evident in the advice many give - breaking up and finding someone 'better and more suitable' is seen as a band-aid to every single problem posted about here. Bf doesn't want to come back early from work to have dinner with you? Break up! Gf gained 15 lbs? Break up! Husband is messy and she is tidy? You both shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, this is going to eat at you, best divorce now! At one point, I nearly threw away a relationship that was 99% good, because I was expecting no less than perfection. It has been nearly two years since that time now, and I am so glad I did not. So, I may sound jaded, but I would say that the first step to reconciling reality with unrealistic expectations would be to take the things some people say here with a grain of salt. I don't know a single person who fits some peoples' expectations, and I don't think they themselves do either. I completely agree with this. I had posted something about my BF's son who can be difficult. I was hoping for some feedback on what my level involvement should be. The only reply I received was basically "It's not going to work [implication - you should break up!]." Umm? I am very happy with the relationship. I never quite understood why people respond, "[Why did you get /You shouldn't have ever gotten] involved/married in the first place." While sometimes looking at ones original motives can be interesting, overall that line of questioning does nothing to help the person with their current situation, since the sands-of-time-rewinding hourglass doesn't actually exist outside the Prince of Persia video game.
Author Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I don't know. The reason I mentioned looks is that the good looking women I have dated have so many options now that they never give a relationship a chance. As Elswyth mentioned, they break up for any reason. I dated more attractive professional women than I can count when I was the guy with the right career in the right zip code. When I moved to the suburbs to be closer to a sick family member, I was shocked at the dating fall off. I was still the same guy, but it was that easy to be written off. My current relationship is LDR and she is a wonderful woman who makes me very happy personality-wise. We took the time to really get to know each other. Physically, I think she is cute and has a very pretty face. However, she could stand to lose about 15 lbs and tone up a bit. Her best friend is slim and toned more like the women I usually date. She also recently started dating a guy. When we go out, every time, this guy turns his back a new guy is hitting on her. The thing is, if I were dating that girl, she would likely have never given me a chance due to the distance or maybe and other host of small issues as the many women I went through living in the city had done. Sure, my girl gets hit on, but as she may have fewer truly good options she appreciates me more and has the incentive to make it work. I don't know for sure...it may simply be her personality and even if got in better shape she may appreciate me. However, I am a bit cynical as my experiences tell me different. I'm in a LDR too and I choose to endure it with the man I'm with because of how wonderful I think he is. Even though I definitely have weight to lose, he never holds it against me. I get hit on all the time as well, and I don't think it's because of the way I look, but I think it's because of the attitude I have. All those women that chose to pass on my boyfriend - I thank them because it ended up with us being together. All the stupid reasons they had for breaking up with him, all that stuff lead him right into my arms, where we get to be ourselves and be accepted for that. What more could you ask for or want? Physical attraction is important in a relationship, but the more my feelings develop for my boyfriend, the more attractive he is to me. Man, those eyes and his dimples, the make me die a little inside and I feel blessed that he chose me to be the woman by his side when I know he could do better looks wise (well at least weight wise, I think I'm pretty). I've never held a man's financial situation, or anything of the likes against him, what matters to me is that he's a hard worker, dedicated and interested in change when things aren't going his way (creating his own happiness). I fought for my long distance relationship, I chose it over other close distance relationships because I believe my boyfriend is worth it. I've noticed many younger, attractive women have what I call "pretty girl syndrome". They are the ones that lay there in bed like a dead fish, they feel entitled and bring very little to the relationship other than being arm candy. So what would you rather have, the arm candy or the woman who meets your emotional needs? For me having my emotional needs met is more important than anything else. Very wise, and very true. I love your post. I think this forum in large is based on the 'instant gratification, many fish in the sea' culture taking over modern society. And it is rather sad. Admittedly some people are giving that advice because they themselves have had a bitter experience where a small problem escalated into something that caused a divorce, and they think they should have 'seen it from the beginning'. But perhaps they don't realize that even though they wasted many years of their life on something 'preventable had they seen the signs', if they had jumped at every sign they would possibly never have even experienced a single LTR to begin with, because they would have given nothing a chance. I see this, and believe this too. I'm glad that I'm not of the same mindset of many of the posters on this forum, how would I ever find someone to be with if I was? The point is that I wouldn't, I'd end up bitter and alone. Which is something I want to avoid.
Els Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I completely agree with this. I had posted something about my BF's son who can be difficult. I was hoping for some feedback on what my level involvement should be. The only reply I received was basically "It's not going to work [implication - you should break up!]." Umm? I am very happy with the relationship. Yeah, I have had that happen lots to me too. Granted, I have also gotten some very good and introspective advice, which is why I still continue to post. But sometimes it does seem like the bad replies outweigh the good. I really don't understand what is going on in someone's head to suggest breaking up over the most minor of problems. What I do now, though, if someone adamantly tells me to break up, is to check their current status and history. If they are not and have never been in an LTR, I politely discard said advice. If they are currently in a happy LTR, I will give it some thought.
Sanman Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I've noticed many younger, attractive women have what I call "pretty girl syndrome". They are the ones that lay there in bed like a dead fish, they feel entitled and bring very little to the relationship other than being arm candy. So what would you rather have, the arm candy or the woman who meets your emotional needs? For me having my emotional needs met is more important than anything else. Clearly, I agree with you. Hence my current relationship
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 As a young guy I had some seriously unrealistic ideals as well. Most of those expectations I placed on myself. I expected to make six figures by 25 and when it didn't happen I had a quarter life crisis. I also expected that most women would want and appreciate me for who I am. That is very unrealistic, most want you to be someone else.
Author Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 As a young guy I had some seriously unrealistic ideals as well. Most of those expectations I placed on myself. I expected to make six figures by 25 and when it didn't happen I had a quarter life crisis. I also expected that most women would want and appreciate me for who I am. That is very unrealistic, most want you to be someone else. That isn't unrealistic. If you continually find that women expect you to be someone you aren't, you're fishing in the wrong pond of women. All I wanted was to be accepted and appreciated for who I am, and I am. And I don't expect my boyfriend to be anything other than what he is. Farting, burping and all.
ptp Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 IMO the problem isn't just fairy tails, its also the celeb culture. Look at how many women are interested in reading about the fantastical love lives of celebrities. They read about amazing vacations, one of a kind designer dresses and getting gigantic rocks, from actors who look like supermodels and weddings that only the super rich can have. Conversely how many men read TMZ or U.S. weekly?
Author Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 IMO the problem isn't just fairy tails, its also the celeb culture. Look at how many women are interested in reading about the fantastical love lives of celebrities. They read about amazing vacations, one of a kind designer dresses and getting gigantic rocks, from actors who look like supermodels and weddings that only the super rich can have. Conversely how many men read TMZ or U.S. weekly? Can't say that I read either, but I have to say I honestly blame this mindset partially on romantic comedies. Life is not like that, neither are relationships usually. It takes so much effort to have a fantastic relationship on both sides. I do agree that celebrity culture has put younger women in a situation where they may start to equate celebrity life with actual life, when that's not the case. To be honest, and I may be the only one, but when I hear about celebrity romances, I'm not envious. I do not want to marry a rock star, an actor or a prince. I want a normal man who will provide for me emotionally, and he doesn't have to be sometimes special (other than to me) to meet my needs. Romantic comedies though, they make couples trials and tribulations seem so easy to work through, but again, it's so far from real life it's pathetic. I'm sad for people who base their expectations of relationships on what celebrities do or how movies portray them. Will they ever find true happiness?
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 That isn't unrealistic. If you continually find that women expect you to be someone you aren't, you're fishing in the wrong pond of women. All I wanted was to be accepted and appreciated for who I am, and I am. And I don't expect my boyfriend to be anything other than what he is. Farting, burping and all. How exactly would you go about doing that? It seems to me that there is just one pond and it's the size of an ocean populated by just a few types of fish. Even harder most of us guys have very generalized and limited options for bait. So... we are doomed to just play catch and release until maybe something great falls in our lap. Audrina... that advice works for girls, but for guys you really can't get away from the bad ones because they don't ride harleys and wear leather. It isn't obvious.
Author Audrina Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 How exactly would you go about doing that? It seems to me that there is just one pond and it's the size of an ocean populated by just a few types of fish. Even harder most of us guys have very generalized and limited options for bait. So... we are doomed to just play catch and release until maybe something great falls in our lap. Audrina... that advice works for girls, but for guys you really can't get away from the bad ones because they don't ride harleys and wear leather. It isn't obvious. I fail to see the distinction between the dating pool for men and women, and maybe this is why I've had successful relationships. Whenever I wasn't finding what I was looking for, I looked somewhere else. For example, just a few months ago one of my guy friends was complaining that he wasn't meeting any women other than crazy, desperate women and he didn't think he would ever find someone he could actually get into. I asked him where he was looking to pick up women and he told me bars. I told him that if wanted to find women who were more interested in the things he liked, why didn't he attempt to meet them elsewhere, since he's into sports - I suggested a sports bar and grill. That night he took my advice, went to a sports grill and what happened? He ran into a woman he had met before and was always into but never got a chance with, and she just happened to be single and they have been happily dating since. If you see yourself as doomed, you are doomed. If you change your mindset you'd be amazed at what you might find.
VertexSquared Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I've underwent quite a few shockers of expectations versus reality. By Age: 17: Not everyone thinks the same way I do. What I may think is a problem might be a total non-issue for someone else and vice-versa. Sometimes my expectations for how we approach problems is unrealistic. Communication is key. 18: Communication is actually really freaking hard. Just because I make the effort to grow a sack and bring up a problem doesn't mean I'm actually getting everything off my chest if I'm only discussing 50% of it. People aren't mind-readers and I shouldn't expect them to be. Full disclosure is key. 18.5: Full disclosure is useless if the relationship itself is incompatible to begin with. Why am I the only one bringing up problems anyway? Maybe incompatibilities could be fairly easy to reconcile with lots of work. Especially since this particular relationship is LDR, all that means is we have to meet up more and have more fun. I shouldn't expect my girlfriend to find everything I love interesting and vice-versa. Empathy is key. 19: Screw empathy and tolerance -- college and huge transitional periods will absolutely murder your relationship no matter what. I shouldn't expect my relationship to be so different from everyone else's just because I fancy myself a bit smarter than most. Even Newton never got laid. Timing is key. 20: This new relationship is utterly awful, but maybe this is normal. I shouldn't expect everyone to be perfect. Acceptance and tolerance is key. 22: Screw tolerance -- I'm worth more than that. But damn, trying to find women in bars/clubs/through friends is tough. I can't believe I ever expected to find the right kind of woman in places like these. Optimal search locations are key. 23: I've found a great girl! And the rest (to date) is history. Basically I've learned to stop over-idealizing everything and to respect myself more and be realistic. There are many "perfect girls" out there for me, so I shouldn't force something that's so obviously wrong. I should not put up with disrespect and mistreatment. At the same time, I shouldn't expect perfection. Almost certainly there will always be things that bug us, but they're things we put up with -- the costs of admission -- in order to enjoy the countless other positive attributes.
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