misssmartypants Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Over a year ago I met a guy who I was really into. Three weeks later I was offered a job that required me to move over an hour away. I am still finishing my degree, so I was taking classes in the old town and would see him after class got out. So we've seen eachother on and off for over a year. But we have never been formal boyfriend and girlfriend. I feel like he mellows me out and makes me feel calm and safe and like I can loosen up and have fun with him. He says I inspired him to change his life for the better. I feel like I can't get him out of my system. But, to him, when he says "this is my girlfriend", he means "this is someone I think I want to marry". There's no in between with him. So, even though he has feelings for me, because I live so far away, he doesn't want to "go there". And now the other wrinkle. I kinda don't like my job or where I live. The rents are high. My job says "teacher" but I spend a lot of time doing things that you would think of as class assistant or para work, so I don't get much respect from students or other staff. The town is small with only walmart for groceries and a long ride to anywhere with more options. So I am thinking of beginning to look for another position closer to where I originally moved from. I am a little conflicted because I don't know if my unhappiness here is because "he" is there or because I genuinely don't like it here. I've tried to date here and it seems like I keep meeting dumb, uninteresting, uneducated loosers. But that's just the area, no one is educated, they all work in factories. HE came and spent the weekend a couple of weeks ago and was introduced to someone I had dated and he was like "I can't believe you dated so far down, he isn't good enough for you" I feel like I've met someone I could love all my life, but that the circumstances of my life make it not work. I can't decide what's healthier, staying somewhere that I feel will be a romantic desert or moving on the slim chance that my living closer will get him to see me as someone more than what he does now. He has said he's got feeling for me, but he's also said that in his idea of how he wants his life to be, he meets a woman and has babies with her. He has one child already that he wasn't really allowed to be there for as a baby. I have three kids and while I won't say I'll never, ever have another, I want to be very very very sure I am in a stable relationship before I even consider it. Help!
Author misssmartypants Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I know its long and convoluted, but please, I'm all twisted up inside. When I'm with him I feel great, when I'm not, I feel twisted, sick, unsure, and sad. I've tried to just give it up to a higher power and let what will be, be. And I've tried ignoring him. I keep getting pulled back in. I'm not sure that I don't want to be. I admire and care about him and want him to be a presence in my life. Have any LS users moved in order to facilitate a relationship? Have you not moved and regretted it? Have you felt you were in an intellectual/idealogical/romantic wasteland and what happened?
Pierre Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I know its long and convoluted, but please, I'm all twisted up inside. When I'm with him I feel great, when I'm not, I feel twisted, sick, unsure, and sad. I've tried to just give it up to a higher power and let what will be, be. And I've tried ignoring him. I keep getting pulled back in. I'm not sure that I don't want to be. I admire and care about him and want him to be a presence in my life. Have any LS users moved in order to facilitate a relationship? Have you not moved and regretted it? Have you felt you were in an intellectual/idealogical/romantic wasteland and what happened? Is he into you as much as you are into him? It sounds like you love him?
Author misssmartypants Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Is he into you as much as you are into him? It sounds like you love him? I think so, but I don't know. Sometimes I hear from him constantly and sometimes I don't. I think I might love him.
KathyM Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Over a year ago I met a guy who I was really into. Three weeks later I was offered a job that required me to move over an hour away. I am still finishing my degree, so I was taking classes in the old town and would see him after class got out. So we've seen eachother on and off for over a year. But we have never been formal boyfriend and girlfriend. I feel like he mellows me out and makes me feel calm and safe and like I can loosen up and have fun with him. He says I inspired him to change his life for the better. I feel like I can't get him out of my system. But, to him, when he says "this is my girlfriend", he means "this is someone I think I want to marry". There's no in between with him. So, even though he has feelings for me, because I live so far away, he doesn't want to "go there". And now the other wrinkle. I kinda don't like my job or where I live. The rents are high. My job says "teacher" but I spend a lot of time doing things that you would think of as class assistant or para work, so I don't get much respect from students or other staff. The town is small with only walmart for groceries and a long ride to anywhere with more options. So I am thinking of beginning to look for another position closer to where I originally moved from. I am a little conflicted because I don't know if my unhappiness here is because "he" is there or because I genuinely don't like it here. I've tried to date here and it seems like I keep meeting dumb, uninteresting, uneducated loosers. But that's just the area, no one is educated, they all work in factories. HE came and spent the weekend a couple of weeks ago and was introduced to someone I had dated and he was like "I can't believe you dated so far down, he isn't good enough for you" I feel like I've met someone I could love all my life, but that the circumstances of my life make it not work. I can't decide what's healthier, staying somewhere that I feel will be a romantic desert or moving on the slim chance that my living closer will get him to see me as someone more than what he does now. He has said he's got feeling for me, but he's also said that in his idea of how he wants his life to be, he meets a woman and has babies with her. He has one child already that he wasn't really allowed to be there for as a baby. I have three kids and while I won't say I'll never, ever have another, I want to be very very very sure I am in a stable relationship before I even consider it. Help! Your relationship is not progressing because he wants someone that he can have children with, rather than a ready-made family of someone else's children. I think that's the bottom line. I wouldn't advise moving back for the purpose of trying to establish a relationship with him. I don't think it will lead to what you want. I think he has it in his mind that he wants to find someone without children to marry. That's the way it sounds to me, anyway. If he really wanted to pursue a more serious relationship with you, he would have by now.
Author misssmartypants Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Your relationship is not progressing because he wants someone that he can have children with, rather than a ready-made family of someone else's children. I think that's the bottom line. I wouldn't advise moving back for the purpose of trying to establish a relationship with him. I don't think it will lead to what you want. I think he has it in his mind that he wants to find someone without children to marry. That's the way it sounds to me, anyway. If he really wanted to pursue a more serious relationship with you, he would have by now. I'm not someone who falls in love easily. I'm afraid that either I will never ever find anyone I can feel this way about, or that no one will ever love me. What's so wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?
Pierre Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think so, but I don't know. Sometimes I hear from him constantly and sometimes I don't. I think I might love him. You have typical symptoms of love. Don't really know if he feels the same way. I would talk about this issue. Just say "I think I l love you" and see what he says.
Author misssmartypants Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 You have typical symptoms of love. Don't really know if he feels the same way. I would talk about this issue. Just say "I think I l love you" and see what he says. I don't think I can come out and say that. I've told him I want to be his girlfriend and that it makes me feel like I'm worthless and that there's something wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be his Girlfriend when I know he likes me and likes spending time withe me. He told me not to feel that way, that there wasn't anything wrong with me and that there were very few people good enough for me. And then told me about the getting married and having babies thing. I can't make it so my past never happened . . . I've tried so hard to overcome it, and yet . . . I'm always punished for it.
KathyM Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I'm not someone who falls in love easily. I'm afraid that either I will never ever find anyone I can feel this way about, or that no one will ever love me. What's so wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable? It's not you, it's him, in this case. He wants something different. He wants someone with no children that he can have his own children with. I would suggest you not waste any more of your time or energy trying to make a relationship with this guy. If there are very few intelligent men in your town, you should think about moving to a bigger, more metropolitan city where the pickings will be bigger.
Author misssmartypants Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 So how do I turn off those feelings? When I see his name my heart skips a beat. When I hear from him, it makes my day. I've tried ignoring him in the past and he will eventually call me again. I know he's tried to date other women, but he always ends up getting in a fight with them over something and breaking up. We never fight. How do I get him to at least give "us" a chance to fail? Isn't it better to be in a relationship and break up than just never even try at all, especially if you feel that person is special?
Sanman Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Why can't it be both? Sure, you really like this guy and he may not be the right one for you. However, you also seem to dislike your job, area, and dating prospects. Don't move just for him. However, would moving back mean better dating prospects for you outside of this guy? Would you enjoy the area more regardless?
Pierre Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I don't think I can come out and say that. I've told him I want to be his girlfriend and that it makes me feel like I'm worthless and that there's something wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be his Girlfriend when I know he likes me and likes spending time withe me. He told me not to feel that way, that there wasn't anything wrong with me and that there were very few people good enough for me. And then told me about the getting married and having babies thing. I can't make it so my past never happened . . . I've tried so hard to overcome it, and yet . . . I'm always punished for it. Sounds like he is moving you to the male equivalent of Friend Zone which for women is friends with privileges. That is why the two of you discuss relationship issues with others. It also seems he does not want a GF/BF relationship.
Author misssmartypants Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Why can't it be both? Sure, you really like this guy and he may not be the right one for you. However, you also seem to dislike your job, area, and dating prospects. Don't move just for him. However, would moving back mean better dating prospects for you outside of this guy? Would you enjoy the area more regardless? I definitely would enjoy living closer to the college. I definetly would enjoy a teaching position that had actual teaching duties instead of being a glorified para who also keeps track of the paperwork. Being closer is also the one factor I can change that might make him more willing to consider a more serious relationship with me. I get the whole "friend zone" comment. I know that's what he wants, a female friend who's easy to get a long with and fun to hang out with. To me, that's kinda what dating should be like. Sometimes I feel like I am from a different planet.
KathyM Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 So how do I turn off those feelings? When I see his name my heart skips a beat. When I hear from him, it makes my day. I've tried ignoring him in the past and he will eventually call me again. I know he's tried to date other women, but he always ends up getting in a fight with them over something and breaking up. We never fight. How do I get him to at least give "us" a chance to fail? Isn't it better to be in a relationship and break up than just never even try at all, especially if you feel that person is special? You turn off those feelings by redirecting them towards other people who would be available and interested in having a real relationship with you. If you want to give it one last shot, then the next time he contacts you, tell him you don't think you can see him, because you would want more than just friendship with him, and that doesn't seem to be want he wants from the relationship. That might get him to come off the fence and make a move one way or the other, so at least you know where you stand. He'll either have to say he would be interested in having more, in which case you need to get him to step it up with the contacts and the relationship, or he'll say he thinks of you as just a friend--at which time you should tell him that you can't do the friend thing with him, since you would want more than that. Get him to make a choice. This leaving you in limbo and stringing you along is not fair to you. He may just want to be friends. I wouldn't go for that if I were you.
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