Agent M Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Got a b/f who feels really put off if he doesn't sleep in the same bed as me. I let him move in after his place flooded out last spring. The problem is he constantly tosses and turns all night, and I wake up feeling like I never slept. I've explained to him how I feel and that the fact that I want him to sleep downstairs (sometimes) does not reflect any dismay for him. Just that I need to get my sleep. I still do sleep with him sometimes despite the fact, just to appease him and keep him from being upset with me. It's a problem because he feels put off and I'm tired all the time. We can't get separate beds in the same room at this point as the place isn't big enough. Thoughts? I feel like he's being a jerk for not being understanding of a basic human need.
nice-easy-day Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 My g/f and I usually end up in different beds by the end of the night. I don't sleep well with someone next to me. I'm also conscience of the fact I might toss and turn or snore, keeping her awake. But mostly, I just like to be alone when I sleep. It was an issue with her at first because she felt offended (like your b/f). What I did was just talk to her about it and make her feel important. I would just tell her I have an important day at work tomorrow and would like to get some sleep. "Is it ok if I cuddle with you and rub your back till you fall asleep, then I go in the other room"? It worked. Now it isn't an issue anymore. BTW, both of us have gotten more comfortable sleeping together. It was just a little slow going at first. I do think your b/f is acting a little insecure and selfish. Why would he want to keep you up all night? I would never, NEVER do that to my g/f just because "I" want to sleep next to her.
Author Agent M Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Thanks! I'll try to talk to him or figure something out like you did. He goes to sleep well after me and we usually cuddle and watch a movie beforehand. Then he wants to join me later and often I say "I want to sleep with you, I always do, but you are moving around a lot and it wakes me up." He just gets pissed. I told him I have trouble at work because of it. He just gets put off. Today I have the day off and last night he replied, "It's not like you have anything important to do tomorrow!!" Geez...
Author Agent M Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 OK...just got the ultimatum...b/f says he is moving out if I don't sleep in the same bed with him. I fully explained the issue and he says he's never had a g/f complain that he tosses and turns too much...says he doesn't want to move out but feels like a second class citizen. I offered to sleep on the couch and he says...OK, that works, he'll stay....
CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 OK...just got the ultimatum...b/f says he is moving out if I don't sleep in the same bed with him. I fully explained the issue and he says he's never had a g/f complain that he tosses and turns too much...says he doesn't want to move out but feels like a second class citizen. I offered to sleep on the couch and he says...OK, that works, he'll stay.... He gave you an ultimatum, for that? Um, ok.
wezol Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 OK...just got the ultimatum...b/f says he is moving out if I don't sleep in the same bed with him. I fully explained the issue and he says he's never had a g/f complain that he tosses and turns too much...says he doesn't want to move out but feels like a second class citizen. I offered to sleep on the couch and he says...OK, that works, he'll stay.... This is bull, basically tells me that sleeping with you next to him isn't the full issue, because apparently he doesn't care if you sleep on the couch and give him the bed. Is he paying rent?...no? Screw that.
FitChick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Is he paying rent?...no? Screw that. Agree. Make sure he splits expenses, including utilities, down the middle. I used to date a snorer and, when he woke me up at night, I'd just go sleep in the guest room. I think you should tell him you'll fall asleep with him but as soon as he wakes you up in the middle of the night, HE is the one who has to sleep on the couch. It's your apartment (unless he is paying rent, too).
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Sounds like a major control freak. Since you just "let" him move in due to his unfortunate circumstances, he has some nerve to "threaten" you with moving out. Probably he should move out. That way, you can get your sleep without the guilt / power trip.
nice-easy-day Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 There is a big difference between constructively working things out and giving ultimatums. Don't let your b/f push you around like that... esp. on something so petty. It's your place right? That means he is your guest and since when can he call the shots like that? You should just call his bluff and let him leave. I bet he'll be back in a couple of days sleeping on the couch. You did your best by talking it over and trying to figure out something that will work for the both of you. Then he fires back with an ultimatum to get his way. That says something about him.
alexlakeman Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 He moved in to YOUR place.. you run the show.. Don't be pressured.
sm1tten Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 What the fudge? Seriously? How long were you together before he moved in? I would call his bluff and let him move out. He's trying to assert some sort of dominance over you and being inconsiderate to boot. Notice you're the one making all the compromises.
Author Agent M Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Through talking with him about it, he says he doesn't feel that I like him. We were together 7 mos. before he moved in. He feels like my being in the bedroom is like my being untouchable to him, if he is downstairs on the couch. He feels like a second class citizen. Then he said it would OK if he just had a bedroom....I guess somewhere to camp out or something. I mentioned the fact that it is a small condo and we don't have the room. I've made a half dozen changes in the place already for him. I do agree that I am doing him a favor by letting him move in, and his being demanding is really out of line. This sucks. I feel like it's all being put on me even though I am doing the best I can to accomodate him.
Pierre Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 If as couple you cannot sleep in the same bed you might as well break up. Sleeping all night with your mate is suppose to be a pleasure. In fact, after my divorce I had a hard time getting used to sleep alone in a bed. I needed a warm body next to me to cuddle and to stay warm during cold winter nights. Sleeping in different beds is mostly for old incontinent people with snoring problems.
Pierre Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 OK...just got the ultimatum...b/f says he is moving out if I don't sleep in the same bed with him. I fully explained the issue and he says he's never had a g/f complain that he tosses and turns too much...says he doesn't want to move out but feels like a second class citizen. I offered to sleep on the couch and he says...OK, that works, he'll stay.... BTW, this guy is an a** h**e.:(
Els Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 If as couple you cannot sleep in the same bed you might as well break up. Sleeping all night with your mate is suppose to be a pleasure. In fact, after my divorce I had a hard time getting used to sleep alone in a bed. I needed a warm body next to me to cuddle and to stay warm during cold winter nights. Sleeping in different beds is mostly for old incontinent people with snoring problems. Nah. I know quite a few successful couples who sleep in separate beds. By your logic, light sleepers should either not marry, or expect to never get a decent night's sleep. As long as there's intimacy at other times, it's usually okay. Through talking with him about it, he says he doesn't feel that I like him. We were together 7 mos. before he moved in. He feels like my being in the bedroom is like my being untouchable to him, if he is downstairs on the couch. He feels like a second class citizen. Then he said it would OK if he just had a bedroom....I guess somewhere to camp out or something. I mentioned the fact that it is a small condo and we don't have the room. I've made a half dozen changes in the place already for him. I do agree that I am doing him a favor by letting him move in, and his being demanding is really out of line. This sucks. I feel like it's all being put on me even though I am doing the best I can to accomodate him. How does the bolded correlate to him happily agreeing to have the positions reversed, ie you sleeping on the couch? I dunno, I may just be a little old-fashioned, but I have never yet met a guy who cared about a girl, who would let her sleep on the couch instead of him. That speaks volumes about his character IMO, more so than just pressuring you to sleep together.
Art_Critic Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 The answer to couples who bother each other while sleeping is to buy a King Bed.
Author Agent M Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 He thinks that by me offering to sleep on the couch, it is proof that I'm not some untouchable up in the bedroom who is relegating him to the couch. He must feel insecure in the relationship. Sleeping on the couch in my own place while my guest sleeps in my room isn't too cool, though.
sm1tten Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 That's ridiculous. FWIW, both my boyfriend and I have a hard time sleeping in new places or next to someone new. Neither one of us takes it personally. I actually prefer to sleep alone, sometimes. He does sound really insecure. His logic makes no sense, unless you are no longer being intimate with him... how his sleeping on the couch equals "second class citizen" and your sleeping on your couch equals "touchable" is frankly crackpot logic. Not to mention the fact that this is YOUR home. If he wants his own bedroom then he should move into his own apartment. Was this living together meant to be permanent?
Pierre Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Nah. I know quite a few successful couples who sleep in separate beds. By your logic, light sleepers should either not marry, or expect to never get a decent night's sleep. As long as there's intimacy at other times, it's usually okay. I am sure it happens, but in our case sleeping separately was hell. Once you get used to the warm body next to you is difficult to sleep alone.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 What are the positive traits of this guy? He sounds like a complete jerk. It disturbs me that you are even engaging in these talks with him.
Author Agent M Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Yeah, it is crackpot logic and that's why I feel that perhaps this is more about his own issues and less about where we sleep. It may or may not be a permanent situation...we haven't really figured that out. Home for him was an hour and a half away. He's a musician and is commuting for gigs, although he's not performing a lot. BTW, before he and I met he'd not had a g/f for years, so he was sleeping alone. It's not like he's missing the warm body, he just wants to feel wanted (but is looking for the quick fix instead of trying and giving and understanding).
serial muse Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) That sucks and I can't believe he gave you an ultimatum about it. My guy and I used to have this problem - he's a tosser and turner, and he wakes up in the middle of the night quite frequently for the evening's tossing and turning. I'm not a light sleeper, but hell, that woke me up. In the end - and this isn't necessarily a solution for you right now, but one to consider if you stay together - what worked for us was buying a better bed. I'm completely serious. One with more shock absorption. I no longer feel the seismic rumblings rippling through the mattress beneath me (at least, they're considerably attenuated). I'm guessing you don't want to invest in that right now, but considering that you are doing him a favor and he isn't paying rent at the moment, maybe he could consider taking action to at least improve your sleeping arrangements somehow? Buy a mattress pad or something? I don't know...but it really doesn't seem fair that you should have to choose between losing your BF, losing a night's sleep or losing your bedroom. Why isn't he willing to compromise or at least make some positive contribution to improve the situation? Edited to add: I also think it's a jerk move when people say things like "well, nobody's ever complained before..." That's just a roundabout way of saying it's your problem, not his, and he's absolving himself of responsibility for finding a solution. When, in fact, it's a problem you both have to deal with. Edited August 9, 2011 by serial muse
mortensorchid Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I've experienced this as well. When you're sleeping alone all the time then you suddenly have someone else in the same bed with you, you have trouble sleeping together. If it's a one time situation (and I'm not just talking about sex) where you sleep together, it's ok. However, if you are going to be sleeping together for a long time in the same bed, then I think the best thing to do is get a bigger bed. Then you have more space. Expensive solution, I realize, but it's a suggestion.
Mutant Debutante Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I'm gonna clue you in to something: your bf is self-absorbed, entitled, and a jackhole. Next.
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