First interaction with a new guy after my breakup... and I ruined it

August 8, 2011

(right section to post this?) Well... first guy I started having feelings for after my ex and I tried it, but my dating skills suck as you will obviously see. He and I have been friends since 2006. Best best best friends back then. We stopped talking in 2008 and restarted talking in 2010.

He invited me to visit for a weekend, so I flew down and saw him. It was great, hanging out like old times. Then I got drunk the last night and told him that I've always lked him, wanted to be with him and date him and he's perfect and I'd regret it if I never got to be with him etc. To which his sober response was pretty much, "Thanks but we'll never be together ever. I don't like you like that. Nothing is going to change that. We're friends and thats all our relationship is ever going to be."

So the following (sober) morning I tried to explain why I felt the way I did and stuff and that I liked him. I cried when I left and I think that freaked him out. When I got home that night I called a few times (because he didn't pick up) and said when he finally did, I said Sorry, that I didn't want our friendship to be weird now etc and he said "It wont be, but stop trying to get in touch with me so much and just leave it alone"

And this morning because I felt so bad I sent like 5 texts apologizing and no response. I don't want to lose his friendship over this. He's awesome. I just feel like he's always going to look at me different and be scared to talk to me or see me again because of this.

help me please.

August 8, 2011

Cali,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I thought since you hadn't been here in awhile things were going a good bit better. This experience with your friend has brought back all the painful memories of what happened with your ex. I personally feel your 'friend' could have been more understanding and compassionate. They are far better/nicer ways to let someone down. I really wish I had more comforting words for you. Cali, you are a great girl and you don't deserve what you are going through now. I know this won't mean anything to you now, but I promise you things will get better. When the good times come and they will come, you will appreciate them so much more, for having gone through what you are going through now..

Edited August 8, 2011 by Mack05

August 8, 2011

hey Mack. Yea I took a little break and things have gotten better for me with the ex. Almost 3 months NC with the ex. Although, (this is weird) I get home from a bar at 3am and this car pulls up that looks like his (Idk though because I was drunk) and it stops by where I'm walking and the guy inside waved at me and he was wearing a hat (which my ex never went anywhere without) and I waved and kept walking. I have no idea if it was him. This was like 2 weeks ago.

But back to the current situation:

I just freaked him out. He invited me as a friend for a friend visit weekend and I turn all emotional and lovey and weird on him (which he HATES emotional girls)

the only good thing I can see is that it shows i can have feelings for someone other than my ex

but I hope it wasn't at the expense of a friendship with a great person.

I told my mom I think I ruined my friendship with him and he'll never talk to me again and she told me I was probably right and that I was making things worse by continuing to text him.

August 8, 2011

Cali,

I'm sorry hun. I know how it feels. First, you need to stop contacting him. It's pushing him further away. Secondly, you're feeling this intensity because you are longing for someone to fill that empty hole you still have in you. And knowing that you are losing it, it's reminding you again of what the reality is.

There was no need for this guy to be cruel. And he was. If I knew a person had feelings for me and strong enough that they would declare it openly, I'd be kind and compassionate. There is a way to express and articulate yourself without hurting someone.

Cali, a friend would have been kinder. But if you still believe he is a good guy, then I would stop contacting him. He's probably feeling uncomfortable with how things went and is stepping back. He is looking at you differently but please give it some time. This is still fresh and both of you are feeling awkward.

August 8, 2011

hey Mack. Yea I took a little break and things have gotten better for me with the ex. Almost 3 months NC with the ex. Although, (this is weird) I get home from a bar at 3am and this car pulls up that looks like his (Idk though because I was drunk) and it stops by where I'm walking and the guy inside waved at me and he was wearing a hat (which my ex never went anywhere without) and I waved and kept walking. I have no idea if it was him. This was like 2 weeks ago.

But back to the current situation:

I just freaked him out. He invited me as a friend for a friend visit weekend and I turn all emotional and lovey and weird on him (which he HATES emotional girls)

the only good thing I can see is that it shows i can have feelings for someone other than my ex

but I hope it wasn't at the expense of a friendship with a great person.

I told my mom I think I ruined my friendship with him and he'll never talk to me again and she told me I was probably right and that I was making things worse by continuing to text him.

I don't see how that would "ruin" a friendship. Given your desire for him, if you can still be friends, then tell him that. Hopefully he'll chill out...

August 8, 2011

hey geegirl

this rejection by a friend is making me relive the rejection by the ex and I miss the ex more now than I have since we first split. You're right this is really intense. Almost like I got dumped.

I can see where he was a little harsh but at the same I can understand where he is coming from. I weirded him out. And he probably wanted to be clear in black and white that the feelings werent reciprocated. I just kept repeating it, like his feelings were going to change if I kept saying it.

I just don't want the friendship to be ruined. Thats all I can think about. Why I didn't just keep my mouth shut and then I could have left without this mess and without having to second guess if I was going ever going to talk to him again or have him see me differently.

I want a text that says "Its ok. We're fine. Don't worry about it"

August 8, 2011

"It wont be, but stop trying to get in touch with me so much and just leave it alone"

That was his nice way of saying, "You really need to get a life outside of me and go meet other guys." You need to listen to the last part and just leave it alone. Stop apologizing and stop prying for him to say it's okay. The more you try to fix what happened, the worse you are making things.

In my experience, the friendship is ruined for the foreseeable future. It will continue to be split until you can get over your feelings for him, and then will it even survive? All too often once the person with the feelings gets over the other person, they realize the "friendship" was only a ploy to get closer to the person and not a real friendly connection. They realize there never was a friendship to save, only a lusting that no longer exists. The only way, is to not talk for a while until you can get over your feelings.

Right now, you two are not fine. There is a massive discrepancy in what you two think of each other right now.

But don't be so hard on yourself. If you had kept quiet, you would have really screwed things up. There's no way you could have kept those feelings down so they would have just kept burning until one day they explode at the worst possible time (like at his wedding when the priest asks if anyone has objections).

August 8, 2011

Its unrealistic I guess to get that text and you're right, I'm just making it worse and pushing him away (which is the last thing I want!) This is ridiculous. This rejection pain and wanting my phone going off to be him etc is just like what I went through with my ex... and I didn't even date this guy!!

I want him in my life, even as a friend (since thats all our relationship has as a foundation). I don't think this is like a regular break up bread crumbs of 'staying friends' because being friends is all we've ever been, so it wouldn't be a new friend zone so to speak. So I don't mind taking time to get over it and not talking to him. I just am scared that if I called in 6 months to say hey and catch up and go back to being how we were before, he'd not answer or what.

Ultimately, I just want us to be friends again, like how it was before i opened my drunk mouth. we were perfectly happy as friends - I just want that back. I hope its not ruined, I can't tell if I'm being optimistic (and not realistic) by hoping its not.

In a completely nonsuicidal way, I really hate myself sometimes for things I do / situations I bring upon myself.

Thanks for your encouragement though, it helps.

Edited August 8, 2011 by california15

August 8, 2011

Its unrealistic I guess to get that text and you're right, I'm just making it worse and pushing him away (which is the last thing I want!) This is ridiculous. This rejection pain and wanting my phone going off to be him etc is just like what I went through with my ex... and I didn't even date this guy!!

I want him in my life, even as a friend (since thats all our relationship has as a foundation). I don't think this is like a regular break up bread crumbs of 'staying friends' because being friends is all we've ever been, so it wouldn't be a new friend zone so to speak. So I don't mind taking time to get over it and not talking to him. I just am scared that if I called in 6 months to say hey and catch up and go back to being how we were before, he'd not answer or what.

Ultimately, I just want us to be friends again, like how it was before i opened my drunk mouth. we were perfectly happy as friends - I just want that back. I hope its not ruined, I can't tell if I'm being optimistic (and not realistic) by hoping its not.

In a completely nonsuicidal way, I really hate myself sometimes for things I do / situations I bring upon myself.

Thanks for your encouragement though, it helps.

I think these are worse than actual breakups. Your head is bombarded with "what ifs?" and you are overloaded with second guesses. You can't go back to being what you were before, because that won't exist without feelings. You were really only his friend as a means to get close to him due to your romantic feelings. When you two get back on speaking terms it should be as if you just started a new friendship. You weren't happy as "just friends" because if you were, you wouldn't have felt the need to tell him how you felt. That says your entire time was tortured as you dealt with the underlying feelings.

Have a look at this very well written blog post about the subject:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

Edited August 8, 2011 by WTRanger

August 8, 2011

Hey girly how are ya, glad to see your over all NC is working, so congratulations to you Cali!!!!

Breathe Cali breathe, it really is quite alright.

I think the hurt comes from other feelings that may be suppressed, like embarrassment, rejection, residual grief from the ex, loneliness, etc. I am quite certain that its not about this guy or losing him as a "friend", it may take a while to see the big picture but we as observers can see that.

That is my opinion.

Also, please please please dont beat yourself up, just pick yourself up and start anew. When you make statements like I hate myself for doing things like this....you are actually pushing your self esteem even further down that dark hole. Instead turn it into a positive statement to validate your honesty.

I am thankful and love myself for putting myself out there.

I am proud of myself for taking a risk and being honest.

I now know and no longer live in what ifs.

Once the mistake has been made, yes you can be angry at yourself, but dont dwell on it and beat yourself up.

Just leave him alone, he will forget about it and so will you.

This really isnt about him, I really believe that. Its what he represents.

It takes guts to put your feelings out on a platter to get picked at, so congratulations on your courage.

Leave him alone, he isn't for you.

August 8, 2011

I'm sorry it didn't work out but the posters above speak sense. Well done for trying, though. You're obviously making good progress because you feel you can try other people now and you will find that 'right' person.

August 8, 2011

The rejection is intense because I don't think you were completely healed from the last breakup. It's just feeling of being denied again. Eventhough it was not an R or that you were dating, just the fact that someone denied you. It's always good to completely heal before putting yourself out there.

If you guys were friends and he felt weird about it, there is still no reason for rudeness. I would feel compassion if a guy did that to me because not only would he be suffering the rejection but also the weight of your words.

Well, it's up to him if he wants that friendship. He may always be worried about leading you on or if you are still holding a candle for him. Maybe after some time things will blow over. But leave him alone for now. You didn't do anything wrong. You reacted on emotion and i would assume if you didn't do it now, it would have happened at some point in the future when you are close to bursting!

August 9, 2011

I could care less right now if I could be with him romantically. Thats on the backburner now. I just want a friendship, something, so hes not gone gone. Trying not to regret it, but its hard not to regret something at the expense of a great friendship.

I keep telling myself if hes as good a friend as I think he is, he won't let this end the relationship and maybe in time we can go back to being friends after the weirdness blows over.

maybe I should point out that we had been physical during the visit and before this visit as well when I went and saw him, so I don't feel like my feelings were THAT out of the blue.

Hey sunmoon How are things with you? Thanks for the little saying, I appreciate it. You have a good point that its not about him, its about what he represents. Maybe I just turned towards a comforting place I where I didn't feel as exposed to tell my feelings.

WTR - thanks for the website

geegirl - the only good thing is that my "whatif" question is no longer there, because now I know. and I'm ok with it.

August 9, 2011

I told my mom I think I ruined my friendship with him and he'll never talk to me again and she told me I was probably right and that I was making things worse by continuing to text him.

Your mom is right, you are making things worse by continuing to contact him after he told you to stop it ... Just give him the space that he's asked for.

August 9, 2011

D-lish: do you think the friendship is ruined, even if I don't send anymore texts?

He's getting a big promotion at work and they're having a party for him and stuff. Safe to assume a no-go on a congratulations text? I'd really like to just say "congrats on all your hardwork" and thats it. Not looking for a conversation, or even a reply. I figure if I act like friends and that I'm not hung up on him, then he can relax around me and be ok?

August 9, 2011

D-lish: do you think the friendship is ruined, even if I don't send anymore texts?

He's getting a big promotion at work and they're having a party for him and stuff. Safe to assume a no-go on a congratulations text? I'd really like to just say "congrats on all your hardwork" and thats it. Not looking for a conversation, or even a reply. I figure if I act like friends and that I'm not hung up on him, then he can relax around me and be ok?

I think you need to give him some real space- I'm not talking about a few days- maybe a few weeks or more.

It's possible to salvage the friendship, but I really think you have to let him be for a while. You laid something heavy in his lap and then went a little "girl crazy" on him. He needs time to cool down.

You've apologized, now you have to let it go.

When is his function?

August 9, 2011

cali, no i would not contact him at this point just let things die down for a bit and see if he contacts you.

August 9, 2011

Hey Cali,

I'm better over all and I hope that each passing day is better than the one before. Thank you for asking.

I still think this is about your current place in your emotions and grief not about this small insignificant occurrence with this friend.

I don't think you should send the congratulatory text.

If he's a true friend, eventually the friendship will be salvageable.

I'm a bit perplexed, you said you were physical, as in FWB???? True friends don't do that!!!! BTW if that is the case, then excuse me while I say he's not a very good friend if he didn't expect for the situation to get complicated, what did he want you to do, spell it out for him, or perhaps send out flare signals telling him you like him???

From what I'm putting together and what you've told us, I'm really hoping this wasn't one of those "I was using you because you were vulnerable" situations.

August 9, 2011

maybe he's gayyy! Just kidding.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Like geegirl said, you feel terrible for the feeling of rejection after being broken up with your boyfriend. Probably feeling mixed emotions like: lonliness, like nobody else will want you besides your ex, confusion. etc. I'm going through alot of the same things when i experience rejection since my split from my ex 6 months ago.

These are all feelings, they aren't reality. Your friend could have been a little less rough about it but i don't know why any guy wouldn't be half way flattered. My advice is to just back off and allow him whatever space he needs. I wouldn't have minded so much, even if i didn't feel the same way, but i would've been a little less harsh about it.

fetish

August 9, 2011

He's getting a big promotion at work and they're having a party for him and stuff. Safe to assume a no-go on a congratulations text? I'd really like to just say "congrats on all your hardwork" and thats it. Not looking for a conversation, or even a reply. I figure if I act like friends and that I'm not hung up on him, then he can relax around me and be ok?

the problem is, you've already contacted him so many times as it is, that even a seemingly innocent "congratulations" text is going to add more weight to an already loaded situation and will most likely have the opposite effect in his eyes.

just leave it alone. at this point any contact you initiate with him is going to be detrimental to what you are trying to do - - which is salvage the friendship. as cliche as it sounds, time does heal all. i would give it several weeks if not a few months before contacting him.

personally, i think he overreacted - - especially if you two had been physical. but it sounds like the best thing to do is to give him his space and just continue to concentrate on your healing.

August 10, 2011

thanks everyone for reading and replying

No it wasn't a FWB thing. We were friends for many years and then just towards the end (I say the end, as THIS is the end) we'd get physical when we saw each other occasionally but it never had the FWB vibe, because we'd do things hanging out together w/o that stuff too and be perfectly happy and fine.

I guess space and time will tell.

This is so weird... you know, I mean if you told me I'd be here in this situation at this time with this person, I was so in love with my EX I would have told you you were crazy or something.

Goes to show how things change when you least expect them.

D-lish: Its at the end of the month

August 10, 2011

thanks everyone for reading and replying

No it wasn't a FWB thing. We were friends for many years and then just towards the end (I say the end, as THIS is the end) we'd get physical when we saw each other occasionally but it never had the FWB vibe, because we'd do things hanging out together w/o that stuff too and be perfectly happy and fine.

I guess space and time will tell.

This is so weird... you know, I mean if you told me I'd be here in this situation at this time with this person, I was so in love with my EX I would have told you you were crazy or something.

Goes to show how things change when you least expect them.

D-lish: Its at the end of the month

I wouldn't contact him. As someone else said, you've contacted him so much after the incident- that any text you send him is going to come off as overboard.

August 10, 2011

Cali! We missed you!

It's ok. I mean you told him how you felt (normal), and he responded (normal)... If he felt awkward about it (normal for a friendship), you kinda freaked him out more with the incessant apologies (eh... not so good)...

I know it sucks... but you have to let the awkwardness or the constant contact and the confession die waaaaaay down. If he sees you as just another one of his distant friends, and since he doesn't have feelings for you, he may not feel an obligation to continue to talk to you and you sending texts and calling is just annoying him further. If he really considers you a good friend and has an inkling of care... he's still freaked out by each additional text and call you try to make because you're overloading him, and in his eyes you're just friends and this is putting a weird kinda freakish vibe on the whole confession thing.

In either case, give it lots of time... You've apologized so many times he should know you're very sorry by now. He also knew you were drunk, and that you don't want things to be awkward between you two. That's all you can do cali, and you've done that. No more contact for awhile. What else is going on in your life?

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