babyygirllhi Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) I was with a guy for 1 year. He broke up with me but spent like 1 month deciding. Or well, after deciding we still saw eachother, made love, and it actually felt amazing (except for the fact that i knew he didnt want to be with me). He told me he is still in love with me, i'm the absolute perfect girl in every way, he misses me so much, BUT he needs to be alone. This guy needs to be alone, he is the most selfish guy I know. He needs to do everything for himself. Anyway, finally my eyes have opened and I see how selfish this guy is. (however it's only been abotu 3 weeks since we have seen eacohther). During the WHOLE relationship, I had to beg for his attention, I tried to teach him the way of life and how to treat people ... I mean this guy has a LOT to learn. He doesnt want to work, bc he thnks he should be able to do whatever he wants.His motivation behind everything is all for himself (he wants to be alone because he wants to do whatever he wants without having to worry about anyone else)..he even told me this. deep down he is truly this like, amazing, sweet, caring, emotional guy ... but this other part of him wont allow this, it forces him to be something else and its so obvious he isnt happy unless he can push himself to get there. But since he is trying so hard to get there, he is selfish.(Trust me, this showed through in the relationship!!). I truly believe this guy loves me and misses me (except he was too unhappy with himself so he had to push me away). Like he truly had to force me out of his life. Either way, i'm moving to Florida (im in sweden now) and he wants to see me before i move (which is in 17 days). I asked what would happen and he said "I will pick you up, hold you tight and and cry" ... So ok, he wants to see me and hold me and cry ... again, SELFISH, because he still doesnt want to be with me! I got it out of him that he has kissed another girl (who knows if he has done more) and i mean, i know it's to get over me. Thats just how he works. He is soo selfish he doesnt even realize that he is an ass for doing that yet to still want to cry in my arms ...Throughout the WHOLE 1 year I have known him, up to us breaking up, i was needy and begging for his attention. I would spoil him rotten even though i didnt get anything back. So what is best to do? I can .. A) see him. But only for my own self dignity. Because for ONCE he is going to see a whole different girl. I have ALLLWAYS been so sweet and loving, even during the break up!! and i think it could feel amazing to for ONCE, stand up to him instead of cry at his feet. I will have complete confidence and be happy, take us to a cafe to sit , talk a bit, and say goodybe while i am looking good, feeling good, confident, happy, and talk about my future plans . Then dont give in to ANYYY type of his crap, if he talks about missing me etc. Because seriously, the WHOLE relatinoship i have just worshiped him and spoiled him, so i think it could be amazing to show him "heeey, im doing good without you and im not trying to kiss or hold or love you!" i mean even up to the last day we broke up and left eachother, i was holding him and kissing, telling him he is amazing and letting him make a cute face while i smiled. him not seeing me follow him like a freaking kid would feel amazing. I will be the NEW me and i think he will be shocked. Dont get me wrong, i will have to take a galss of wine before i go, put on the game face, and do it. and once he leaves, i will probably go home and cry all night. BUT i also believe i could wake up the next day feeling great that i left him with confidence and happiness so he feels what it is to not have me anymore. and to SEE that im doing great without him, for once B) i tell him i dont want to see him. which says a lot. and he wont get what he wants. Also, Will he feel worse if he has to sit on the train home, past the city im in without getting to get off and see me? or will he feel worse getting off the train, expecting to see the old me and expecting long hugs and hand holding (which i seriously could see him expecting) and instead getting only the new, single, confident, not into him anymore me? This will be a HUGE change to him, and should help my digninty!! The main point is I am ashamed that I let myself go, in order to try and make it work with him. I mean, I tried and tried, I showed SOO much love, I didnt take care of myself. And I feel like I lost my dignity. So what is the best way to get it back and show him I have it? To not let him see me, or to let him see but show no emotion and be confident and happy? While making it a very short visit and leaving walking away with a smile on my face strutting my stuff... Edited August 8, 2011 by babyygirllhi
Professor X Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think it's time you do what is best for YOU. You wanna see him? Go see him. You don't want to see him? than don't. But don't do either one of those only to hurt him, or only prove him something, that's just ridiculous. Besides, I do think that if you actually go and see, you will break up, I mean, this whole plan of going to see with your game face on and such just won't work eventually.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I think it's time you do what is best for YOU. You wanna see him? Go see him. You don't want to see him? than don't. But don't do either one of those only to hurt him, or only prove him something, that's just ridiculous. Besides, I do think that if you actually go and see, you will break up, I mean, this whole plan of going to see with your game face on and such just won't work eventually. You are totally right, and I know that i need to do what is best for me. But i dont know? I mean, what is best for me would be showing him I have dignity. Because once I finally feel he sees that, then I can let go. So which will I feel most dignity from? Telling him "no, i dont want to see you" ? (Which in my eyes makes it looks as if i cant handle seeing him because i'm too hurt) or let him ask me again and then i say "yea, we can take a quick coffee and say goodbye" and then when he is trying to cry and hug, i wont. Trust me, i can handle it. i know i can. and to show confidence and not look at him like im in love (I guess u dont get it, i mean even from the beginning i had to dig it out of him what he saw in me, etc. he did NOT know how to express himself). so i have become this needy little thing and for me to feel better would be to know that he sees i'm not that way anymore. So which will make me feel more dignified? thats what im trying to figure out A quick goodbye, right? While i show complete confidence in my posture, attitude, etc. yet still nice, of course... When it comes down to it.. I want to see him want me for once. Its ALWAYS been the opposite. (I know he doesnt want to be with me... but to for ONE freaking time, see him sad or cry while I tell him "this is what is best".) I want the upperhand.
Yookie Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 If you really want to show him that you have moved on then you need to cut contact. No calls, no texts, no email, no visiting period. Let your actions speak for you.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) If you really want to show him that you have moved on then you need to cut contact. No calls, no texts, no email, no visiting period. Let your actions speak for you. Its not about showing i've moved on. Im moving to Florida, so as soon as I do my new life will be going on and that will show that i've moved on. It's about getting the feeling back of not being the guy on the bottom, uknow? I think I should see him. When he asks me again, I can say "yea, sure .. we can take a coffee before you get back on the train.." and just be laid back about it. So this way, I cut it short so he knows that im moving on. otherwise i would want to see him longer. You have to keep in mind, i'm moving to another country. so its a bit different than a typical break up. So wont it be like giving him the finger by being this confident, "im doing just fine without you" and by making the stay short ? Wont i feel better after this? He will be expecting a girl standing at the station, that used to run into his arms and hold him, but instead he'll get a confident happy girl who is on her own and not there begging for his love. I used to be so selfless, now i want to be selfish and CONFIDENT. i wasnt that wiith him and i want him to see that! I think that will make me feel best. then only let him stay like 1 hour. then its bye! im moving! Edited August 8, 2011 by babyygirllhi
Pierre Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 This guy needs to be alone, he is the most selfish guy I know. He needs to do everything for himself. Anyway, finally my eyes have opened and I see how selfish this guy is. During the WHOLE relationship, I had to beg for his attention, I tried to teach him the way of life and how to treat people ... I mean this guy has a LOT to learn. He doesnt want to work, bc he thnks he should be able to do whatever he wants.His motivation behind everything is all for himself (he wants to be alone because he wants to do whatever he wants without having to worry about anyone else) He is selfish.(Trust me, this showed through in the relationship!!). So ok, he wants to see me and hold me and cry ... again, SELFISH, because he still doesnt want to be with me! I got it out of him that he has kissed another girl (who knows if he has done more) and i mean, i know it's to get over me. Thats just how he works. He is soo selfish he doesnt even realize that he is an ass for doing that yet to still want to cry in my arms ... Throughout the WHOLE 1 year I have known him, up to us breaking up, i was needy and begging for his attention. I would spoil him rotten even though i didnt get anything back. Why would a woman want to date the guy you just described? He only loves himself because he is very selfish. He cannot love you because he is insecure and unhappy. He would love to leave you, but gives you crumbs to keep you around because he is INSECURE. This man is all about him and any woman that wants a guy like this needs counseling. Ask yourself why you find this man acceptable. Understand that a normal female would not give a guy like this any chance. You need to dump this guy ASAP.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Why would a woman want to date the guy you just described? He only loves himself because he is very selfish. He cannot love you because he is insecure and unhappy. He would love to leave you, but gives you crumbs to keep you around because he is INSECURE. This man is all about him and any woman that wants a guy like this needs counseling. Ask yourself why you find this man acceptable. Understand that a normal female would not give a guy like this any chance. You need to dump this guy ASAP. Haha well, you have to realize there is way more to it than this. All other aspects of him are amazing to me. We laugh, share ideas, same perspective on life, attraction, etc. But once he broke up with me and my eyes opened, I saw what was truly happening. Of course I dont want to be with him now. But I want to get my dignity back. For once, to not beg for his attention and make him see I dont need him. Dont mistake me, he is my best friend. Or well, was...I dunno. We got very close and he opened up very much to me. He is trying, he knows he has this probelm and its why he dumped me. He knows he cant treat me right. But now I want to show him that I dont need him, because I always begged for his attention. Get it?
Pierre Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Haha well, you have to realize there is way more to it than this. All other aspects of him are amazing to me. We laugh, share ideas, same perspective on life, attraction, etc. But once he broke up with me and my eyes opened, I saw what was truly happening. Of course I dont want to be with him now. But I want to get my dignity back. For once, to not beg for his attention and make him see I dont need him. Dont mistake me, he is my best friend. Or well, was...I dunno. We got very close and he opened up very much to me. He is trying, he knows he has this probelm and its why he dumped me. He knows he cant treat me right. But now I want to show him that I dont need him, because I always begged for his attention. Get it? You wrote a very long post saying how incredibly selfish this guy is. Your words, not mine. I suspected you would defend him. That is the natural thing to do since you love him. Nevertheless, if only 50% of what you say is true this man is not a keeper. This is a road to nowhere and you need to let go and find someone else. I understand the being needy. All of us have been needy and at some point regretted being needy in a toxic relationship. I hope you have to courage to get out. BTW, most of these selfish insecure folks can be very charming. I am sure he knows how to connect with you since you are so needy.
Bridgey Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of hurt if you go see him. You two are broken up, it doesn't matter what he thinks of you anymore. You don't need to prove anything to him anymore. Cut all contact. It'll help you move on the quickest. Be the bigger person, don't meet up with him just to try and hurt him.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) UPDATE!!! So.... If you have read what is going on, PLEASE READ THIS! I ended up seeing him and it turned out NOTHING like i expected! No games were played. I talked to him 2 nights ago on the hpone for 4.5 hours ... he said it felt great. he texted the next day to see how i was. then i wrote back he could come see me if he likes. (I am moving in 15 days...). He said he would let me know. Then wrote a bit later saying "i truly cant decide what is best". He then called, said he cant decide and asked what i expected. i said that i have had mixed feelings too, but dont want to regret not seeing him after i move. i told him i know he wants to be alone still, and that i feel the same way. So i met with him at the train station, and the second we saw eachother we just held eachoher so tight, giggled, grabbed eachothers faces, looked into eachothers eyes, hugged for minutes. then he picked me up and held me. then gave me a small kiss. it was unreal. we walked, giggled, talked, smiled, held hands, giggled about how it felt like old days, and walked back to my place. He looked confident and happy. I also showed confidence and happiness. We ended up talking a lot about life, stayed up late, made love over and over, i FEEL his love for me. we talked about life and how he is figuring out what he wants, i told him some things about our past relationship and how i think he is hard to please with anything, he agreed, etc. He said i'm amazing, everything i said about my life, his life, he agreed with and said im amazing. But he has it so deep in him that he needs to be alone and figure out what he wants in life and what makes him happy. I agree. I also told him that during our relationship i always had to try to please him, because he was never happy. he agreed and said he felt bad it was like that. When we made love, it was such passion, as always, and just amazing. He stayed the night, we ended up spending like 20 hours together.. Yes, he had kissed a girla fter the breakup, but he told me he didnt like it. I told him i had slept with someone (which i have never had a one night stand!) and i said i had to do it. he said he understood, of course i can do what i want, but couldnt handle thinking or talking about it. We left and cried and held eachoher and kissed and looked back at eachother. It's left with him going his own way to figure out what makes him happy and what he wants in life. Can i truly be the right girl for him? Or does he need a girl thats more "stuck up" that he needs to chase? Since it feels like nothing makes him happy? I mean, he is a VERY sweet guy, but nothing is ever good enough...even tho he is a very positive person and kind and happy guy. He is always making fun of things and complaining kinda. I told him this, and he listened very closely and agreed. I can see that he is struggling with himself, to find himself and what he wants. But thats what makes him so amazing, he wants to make himself better! I have never loved a human being more than i do him. and i have never come close to being so attracted. and i know that it's the same for him. but he is a strong person and logical and does what is best for him. Any advice? I WILL move on, and i am ... but it kills me on the inside not knowing if we will ever end up together again. Life in general, i mean, was i just not the right lover for him? or can anyone see us being together after he finds himself? He has never been in love before or emotionally connected, at all, until me. im just so scared, knowing he "loves" me but needs to be alone makes it hard for me to EVER let go. will he ever be ready and will he want to be with me? before we left, he was holding me tight and didnt say "i love you" but said "dont you feel the love i have for you?" he has never had a girlfriend besides me .. and opened up SOOO much for me and taught him a lot about emotions... but was i just there to teach him? but im not the right girl for him? maybe a friend, but not lover? even tho he is very attracted.. ? Im so confused! also... this guy would NEVER do anything to hurt me and is the kindest person in the world. he is NOT using me. whats the best advice? I stop caring for him, i mean i stop giving him my time? i can take his calls etc. (which wont be often) but is it best i show that im moving on and taking care of myself and that im putting myself before him? Edited August 10, 2011 by babyygirllhi
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 So you are basicly back in square one... I get it, it was nice and all, but really, now all the "healing" you've done so far is all gone, you will need to start all over again. And for what really? Sex? He hasn't changed, or I couldn't read any change in him from what you've written. It's just bitter sweetness.
rightfield Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 This is a petri dish full of dysfunction. You are hopeless. You have chemistry with this guy, and I know what that feels like, but none of the rest of it is ever gonna work. Any normal person who feels so much love and passion for another, who can say, "but I just have to be alone" is just BROKEN! Run, don't walk, go heal yourself. If you continue contact with him, it will be like letting him rip the bandages off of your wounds that were healing, and you'll have to start all over again. No contact for a month in your new home, and see how your perspective changes.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 This is a petri dish full of dysfunction. You are hopeless. You have chemistry with this guy, and I know what that feels like, but none of the rest of it is ever gonna work. Any normal person who feels so much love and passion for another, who can say, "but I just have to be alone" is just BROKEN! Run, don't walk, go heal yourself. If you continue contact with him, it will be like letting him rip the bandages off of your wounds that were healing, and you'll have to start all over again. No contact for a month in your new home, and see how your perspective changes. I actually feel ok!! It was like, closure. It felt like the right thing to do. Will a guy like this ever fix himself or will he always be broken?
rightfield Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 No idea, but just the fact that you are wondering says that you hold out hope that it could someday work, and that doesn't sound like closure to me.
Cee Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 My comment may be controversial, but I'll put it out there. Many relationships where there is mutual love aren't meant to last. I think yours is one of them. I had a great love once, but we weren't destined to be together. We broke up when I moved away and I held onto hope we'd someday be together. But that hope was simply a lie I told myself to survive. Do whatever you need to do to cope with this great loss. And when you move back to Florida, you'll have the space to sort yourself out. It hurts. I know it hurts, but if you are like me, you will meet another great love.
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I actually feel ok!! It was like, closure. It felt like the right thing to do. Will a guy like this ever fix himself or will he always be broken? Your questioning only shows that you didn't really have your closure.. I hope I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that in a few days from now, or even in a few hours, you will start feeling bad Again, I hope I'm wrong. And for your question: People are different, but considering everything you've said about him, I think it's very very highly unlikely for someone like him to change; So please, don't get your hopes up.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 No idea, but just the fact that you are wondering says that you hold out hope that it could someday work, and that doesn't sound like closure to me. Closure as in, we said our goodbye. I am moving on. that doesnt mean i will ever lose hope.
Bridgey Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Closure as in, we said our goodbye. I am moving on. that doesnt mean i will ever lose hope. Holding on to hope means you aren't moving on.
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