Two men and me

[Cosmo14]

I got engaged to my Fiance, who will be called #1, in February of this year. We met in college and dated 2 and 1/2 years before our engagement.

 

In early March, I reconnected with guy #2, via internet and found out we lived ten minutes away from eachother. We hadn't seen eachother since we were in highschool (I was 14 years old then and 22 now) and has taken eachothers virginities. This guy was my "first" love due to my physical attraction to him and my clingy nature towards him as he took a part of me I could never get back, my virginity. It turns out our highschool sweetheart romance ended badly as I ended up heartbroken with my virginity taken 3 weeks into dating. I stopped talking to guy #2 primarily because I thought he was just using me until the next best thing that would put out came around and because I moved away and transferred highschools my junior year.

My curiosity on FB led me to befriending guy #2 and we started talking again laughing of the past until we exchanged numbers and planned to meet for drinks at his house THAT SAME NIGHT.

I thought I could get away with having a drink with guy #2 and showing him what he missed out on all these years as I "grew up" and I knew I looked good. I went there with my intention of paybacks a bitch, I'll flirt and make him want me and be done with him. Turns out I was the fool because when I first seen him again as he greeted me by the door I instantly got butterflies and felt 14 all over again.

As some of you could guess, we ended up hooking up, primarily because the whole night anyone could see there was an instant physical attraction between us and we had chemistry. And that's the start to my torrid love affair...

 

Months later I am still seeing guy #2 who has said that he loves me, wants to marry me, and have children with him. He says he was a fool for playing me in highschool and that he was just a typical testosterone drive. 14 year old boy back then.

I have stayed at his house a countless number of times and we have sex quite frequently. I have a crazy physical and sexual attraction for guy #2 that I am losing with my Fiance, guy #1, currently.

Both men are the exact opposites of eachother and I truley do love both men.

 

I feel as though guy #1 takes care of me financially, he is what my family wants, he's said to be better looking than #2, he went to college, comes from a good family, doesn't do drugs or drink.

Guy #2 has family problems, is a truck driver currently, dropped out of highschool to get his GED, smokes pot and drinks heavily, likes to fight etc, he's your typical bad guy but is so sweet to me. He said I would never have to work as he would rather me be a housewife so he can provide. (guy #1 thinks I'll be working for the rest of my life)

 

There's also the problem that I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict and I have an addictive personality. Both men know of my condition as they both were supporting me when I was at a 30 day inpatient rehabilitation. I have managed to live a double life by managing my time around the both of them so they don't find out about one another. I go to extremes to come up with excuses and lies and I am just sick to my stomach with guilt.

I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't stand to think of either one of them with another woman.

 

I know guy #1 is the right choice in "reality" but guy #2 is MY ideal guy. This is a battle of my heart and my head.

 

Any advice? I know I need to break it off with one or the other but the question that kills me is: do I want to risk losing my family and their respect over guy #2 or put on my happy face and marry #1 because in reality he's what society labels as a suitable husband. I love both and know I need to let one go before I hurt someone.

[StoneCold]

Worry about getting completely over the alcohol first and foremeost

[Cosmo14]

StoneCold trust me it's been a struggle. I actually relapsed with guy #2 which should have been big red flags because guy #1 would have never allowed it. The whole situation makes it harder to stay clean as well as when the situation is settled I'm sure I'll fall into my depression of not living my permiscuous lifestyle anymore. I get the moral of my story, if I can't love myself or respect myself, how am I gonna love or respect others? Right now I'm not doing sh**.

[KathyM]

I got engaged to my Fiance, who will be called #1, in February of this year. We met in college and dated 2 and 1/2 years before our engagement.

 

In early March, I reconnected with guy #2, via internet and found out we lived ten minutes away from eachother. We hadn't seen eachother since we were in highschool (I was 14 years old then and 22 now) and has taken eachothers virginities. This guy was my "first" love due to my physical attraction to him and my clingy nature towards him as he took a part of me I could never get back, my virginity. It turns out our highschool sweetheart romance ended badly as I ended up heartbroken with my virginity taken 3 weeks into dating. I stopped talking to guy #2 primarily because I thought he was just using me until the next best thing that would put out came around and because I moved away and transferred highschools my junior year.

My curiosity on FB led me to befriending guy #2 and we started talking again laughing of the past until we exchanged numbers and planned to meet for drinks at his house THAT SAME NIGHT.

I thought I could get away with having a drink with guy #2 and showing him what he missed out on all these years as I "grew up" and I knew I looked good. I went there with my intention of paybacks a bitch, I'll flirt and make him want me and be done with him. Turns out I was the fool because when I first seen him again as he greeted me by the door I instantly got butterflies and felt 14 all over again.

As some of you could guess, we ended up hooking up, primarily because the whole night anyone could see there was an instant physical attraction between us and we had chemistry. And that's the start to my torrid love affair...

 

Months later I am still seeing guy #2 who has said that he loves me, wants to marry me, and have children with him. He says he was a fool for playing me in highschool and that he was just a typical testosterone drive. 14 year old boy back then.

I have stayed at his house a countless number of times and we have sex quite frequently. I have a crazy physical and sexual attraction for guy #2 that I am losing with my Fiance, guy #1, currently.

Both men are the exact opposites of eachother and I truley do love both men.

 

I feel as though guy #1 takes care of me financially, he is what my family wants, he's said to be better looking than #2, he went to college, comes from a good family, doesn't do drugs or drink.

Guy #2 has family problems, is a truck driver currently, dropped out of highschool to get his GED, smokes pot and drinks heavily, likes to fight etc, he's your typical bad guy but is so sweet to me. He said I would never have to work as he would rather me be a housewife so he can provide. (guy #1 thinks I'll be working for the rest of my life)

 

There's also the problem that I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict and I have an addictive personality. Both men know of my condition as they both were supporting me when I was at a 30 day inpatient rehabilitation. I have managed to live a double life by managing my time around the both of them so they don't find out about one another. I go to extremes to come up with excuses and lies and I am just sick to my stomach with guilt.

I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't stand to think of either one of them with another woman.

 

I know guy #1 is the right choice in "reality" but guy #2 is MY ideal guy. This is a battle of my heart and my head.

 

Any advice? I know I need to break it off with one or the other but the question that kills me is: do I want to risk losing my family and their respect over guy #2 or put on my happy face and marry #1 because in reality he's what society labels as a suitable husband. I love both and know I need to let one go before I hurt someone.

Break the engagement with the first guy ASAP. You obviously don't know what you want, and are in no condition to get married. Then tell him you don't think you are ready to get married, and need to be single for awhile. You need to do some growing up. You are not ready for any commitment. Then if you want to just date Guy #2 and get that out of your system, you'll be free to do that. I suggest you not get married to either one. You are not in any condition to commit to it, and you don't know what you want.

[KeentuabyGata]

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[jnj express]

Give your fiance a break, and end it with him----you obviously are way to immature, to even know what is right, and you will cheat on him thru any relationship you have with him

 

You have no respect for yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have thrown away a good life, by cheating, and giving yourself to your "bad boy" lover

 

Your problem with him is he was your 1st true love, and that will never go away---as long as he is anywhere around

 

Actually, since he is toxic for you, you really should dump him, and just date, and enjoy life for the next few years, then when you are old enuff to know what a relationship really is, and how to treat a partner, then maybe you can try it again----right now, drop your fiance, as you need to stop hurting him, and drop your lover, as he is causing you nothing but misery

[rafallus]

Why did you duplicate your own thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291330/

 

Anyway, I still stand by what I wrote there.

 

StoneCold trust me it's been a struggle. I actually relapsed with guy #2 which should have been big red flags because guy #1 would have never allowed it. The whole situation makes it harder to stay clean as well as when the situation is settled I'm sure I'll fall into my depression of not living my permiscuous lifestyle anymore. I get the moral of my story, if I can't love myself or respect myself, how am I gonna love or respect others? Right now I'm not doing sh**.

Actually, even more so, thanks to bolded part.

 

If you WANT TO live like that, guy #1 is definitely not for you.

Edited August 8, 2011 by rafallus

[pondering77]

It'd be better if you break the engagement off, and explain to your fiance that you've been seeing someone else on the side. He deserves to know the truth. From what you wrote it's obvious you're not ready for a commitment like marriage at the moment. If you go ahead and marry your fiance, it seems like you'd go ahead and continue seeing the other guy anyway.

 

You need to work on yourself first before you get into a committed, long-term relationship. The issues you have are what probably led you to what you're doing.

[Untouchable_Fire]

StoneCold trust me it's been a struggle. I actually relapsed with guy #2 which should have been big red flags because guy #1 would have never allowed it. The whole situation makes it harder to stay clean as well as when the situation is settled I'm sure I'll fall into my depression of not living my permiscuous lifestyle anymore. I get the moral of my story, if I can't love myself or respect myself, how am I gonna love or respect others? Right now I'm not doing sh**.

 

What gives you the right to treat your fiance like this?

[Chi townD]

Unbelieveable, really?

 

Well, I would suggest that you tell guy#1 the truth. That even though you're engaged to him, you've been sleeping with guy #2, if he wants to who he is. Be honest, " You know, he my bed buddy and my drinking buddy that has no education, smokes pot and likes to fight. You know, the ultimate bad boy persona that you're not." I said it before and I'll say it again. If he has that bad boy persona and a bad boy reputation. Logic dictates that sooner or later he will treat you BADLY.

 

But, of course, I highly doubt that you'll do that. You'll break up with him and never tell him the real reason why. Making him always wonder what he did wrong. But, I have a feeling that he already knows something is up, he may not know exactly what it is, but he knows something.

 

And so what if guy #1 would like to see you work! He wants you to be the best that you can be. To be there and celebrate in you achieving your personal goals so you can get to a point that you don't need to be with him, but rather, you WANT to be with him. Where the other wants you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Kind of controling behavior if you ask me.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your fiance was doing to you behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's what you are doing to him? Your actions define your character. Please contact your fiance and tell him the truth so he can fine someone else who can truly love and respect him because you clearly cannot. Clearly your engagement has no meaning to you whatsoever. This is not just all about you. Good luck.

[Memphis Raines]

I feel as though guy #1 takes care of me financially, he is what my family wants, he's said to be better looking than #2, he went to college, comes from a good family, doesn't do drugs or drink.

Guy #2 has family problems, is a truck driver currently, dropped out of highschool to get his GED, smokes pot and drinks heavily, likes to fight etc, he's your typical bad guy but is so sweet to me. He said I would never have to work as he would rather me be a housewife so he can provide. (guy #1 thinks I'll be working for the rest of my life)

 

so basically its the whole "bad boy" syndrome. you are screwing over a good man who can be there for the long haul, and doesn't deserve this disrespect.

 

Do man #1 a favor, break off the engagement.

 

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't stand to think of either one of them with another woman.

 

stings doesn't it?

 

 

I know guy #1 is the right choice in "reality" but guy #2 is MY ideal guy. This is a battle of my heart and my head.

 

since guy #1 deserves better, let him go.

 

 

Any advice? I know I need to break it off with one or the other but the question that kills me is: do I want to risk losing my family and their respect over guy #2

 

yes, because that isn't guy #1's problem. your image is not your fiance's problem.

 

 

or put on my happy face and marry #1 because in reality he's what society labels as a suitable husband.

 

 

put on a happy face? you say this because you won't be happy. Therefore again, break up with guy #1 so he can find someone that respects him and won't marry him because of some societal pressures.

[Tech_E]

Wah Wah Wah.

 

Let #1 go for heavens sake.

 

My lord what is this world coming to.

[reboot]

Guy #1 deserves someone that won't cheat on him. That person is not you.

[aeg512]

If you really feel that guy #2 is the ideal guy you need to break off your engagement with #1 by telling him what you have been up to. This will spare him many years of misery for you really do not have any concepts what life is about.

[nyrias]

What gives you the right to treat your fiance like this?

 

The fact that she can?

 

Isn't that how the world works? Bullies bully you because they can. Madoff swindles BILLIONS because he can. Bill Clinton had fun with his intern because he can.

 

You sound like people needs to ask permission before they do something. Well, the world does not work that way.

 

I think these kind of rhetorical questions ...

 

What gives you the right to ...

Why on earth would you ...

Shouldn't you ....

Isn't it wrong to ....

 

are all pretty pointless.

[nyrias]

To the OP ..

 

Why don't you try the extreme thing since you are doing drugs and what-not already.

 

Just get rid of the guilt and have BOTH of them. 2 is better than 1. And you have plenty of experiences in juggling two men by now. Think about the fun. You will be like a spy, always sneaking around and developing clever strategies to get out of binding situations. Think about the opportunities to go on Ophrah (yeah, she ended her show, may be some equivalent show).

 

In fact, drink your conscious to oblivion and make a bet with yourself and see how long you can keep this up.

[Memphis Raines]

Guy #1 deserves someone that won't cheat on him. That person is not you.

 

Cosmo. The statement above is spot on and something I think all of us here agree on.

 

Set our fiance free to find someone that doesn't have to pretend to be happy with him.

[manup]

I think you know what you need to do, but you came here for motivation which is fine. I say work on yourself, leave both and don't get married for 8-10 yrs at least.

[Memphis Raines]

You're an idiot. The whole point was asking what to do about the situation as I want out of it. Not ****ing keep doing drugs and "drink myself to oblivion" and keep both. Your sarcasm is not appreciated.

 

I'd watch the name calling. You need to realize you have come into a section of this website where many come to deal with the pain they have suffered at the hands of people like you.

 

therefore your story, double standards, and hypocrisy(in the fact that you want both men, but can't stand the thought of them with other women) aren't going to go over too well here.

[Severely Unamused]

You're an idiot. The whole point was asking what to do about the situation as I want out of it. Not ****ing keep doing drugs and "drink myself to oblivion" and keep both. Your sarcasm is not appreciated.

 

To honest, I don't think that you need either of the men in your life. But like manup said, I believe that you already knew that.

 

Get completely clean before you start dragging around other people.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[2long]

The fact that she can?

 

...precisely because she doesn't have a conscience 2 tell herself that she "may not."

 

I think these kind of rhetorical questions ...

 

What gives you the right to ...

Why on earth would you ...

Shouldn't you ....

Isn't it wrong to ....

 

are all pretty pointless.

 

How so? Maybe she had morals? Maybe she had values? Maybe she wants 2 restore her integrity?

 

I agree with others, though. Be truthful with both men, and let them decide what part they want 2 "play" in your life. I'd be willing 2 bet that #2 (aptly named) will stand by you (with a drink and a joint in hand), whereas #1 (also aptly named) will run for the hills (a good plan).

 

Take your time, and do some soul-searching 2 find out what kind of person you want 2 be. Give it a few years before getting engaged 2 someone.

 

-ol' 2long

[itmustbeme]

I really wish you would not treat your fiance like that. Here is what you should do. Go with #2. You know your first love.

 

You really should let your fiance go and have a chance at a happy life. What you are doing to him now is really low. Why not just go be with the love of your life.

 

You will never be happy with your fiance. You will always be looking for something better. You will always be thinking the sex was much better with #2 and you will be cheating on your fiance if you marry him.

 

Go be happy with your first love. You obviously care for him but the way you are treating your fiance you do not love him. You are treating him about as bad as you can treat another person.

[Calif_hope]

The whole point was asking what to do about the situation as I want out of it. Not ****ing keep doing drugs and "drink myself to oblivion" and keep both. Your sarcasm is not appreciated.

 

OK Cosmo, you know your goal....it is, I think, an easy choice, lets look at your options.

 

OPTIONS

1. Continue as you are with both (you already decided against this)

 

2. Commit to your "physical needs" and chose OM#2 - hope and pray that you both can get "back on the wagon" and live a life that OM#2 can offer you with his and your earning potential and life style choices while battling your addictive personalities.

 

3. Commit to your whole and organic needs and chose OM#1 - recover from you addiction with a stable and loving partner. Live a life that OM#1 can offer you with his and your earning potential and life style choicies; in an enviornment that is supportive and stable.

 

4. If you desire you want to be a mother. Chose the man who would be the best father to your chidlren, those little humans that you find that you love more than life itself. Who would bring your babies the more stable home, the more stable future, who will they be most safe with if something happens to you. Who will not drink and then drive with them in the back seat, who will not hit them while drunk, who will leave them to fend for themselves as their parent or parents drink themselves into a stupor.

 

GROW THE HELL UP, IF YOU CHOSE OM1, AND I HOPE YOU DO, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL HIM ABOUT OM2 OR YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT HAVE A CHANCE. YOU OM#2 IN A DRUNKEN RAGE MIGHT JUST MAKE A PHONE CALL OR PAY A VISIT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

 

IF YOU CHOSE OM#2, DON'T MARRY HIM, EASIER WHEN YOU LEAVE HIM, AND YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE HIM.....YOU TWO ARE ALREAY DOOMED IF YOU STAY WITH EACH OTHER....LOOK AT WHATS ALREADY HAPPENED.

[Calif_hope]

Guy #2 has family problems, is a truck driver currently, dropped out of highschool to get his GED, smokes pot and drinks heavily, likes to fight etc, he's your typical bad guy but is so sweet to me. He said I would never have to work as he would rather me be a housewife so he can provide. (guy #1 thinks I'll be working for the rest of my life)

 

 

This statement from you proves that you are in a big deep fog and are really inmature. OM1 has his head on straigh, he knows the realilty of today's economy, he wants to live in a nice house, and have his family have nice things, and give his children great experiences - in today's economy households need two salaries to survive.

 

OM2, no high school diploma, wastes money on drugs and booze, on a truckers salary-which only he will keep if no-one ever asks him to pee in a jar. If you chose OM2 - odds are Cosmo he will lose his licence and will have a hard time finding a job, you will have to go to work to support him and his drug and liquor habit. You will go on welfare and foodstamps, your children will do without. You will live in more challenging neighboorhoods, odds are you children when they get older will get themselves in trouble, join with the wrong crowd (statistically speaking of course).

 

OM1, the college graduate with you providing financial support can have a family that lives in a less stressful enviornment. Vacations, nice things, healty food, safer neighboorhood. Kids that will have the greatest opportunity to be sucesfull in school, go to college and to live productive lives.

 

Sadly, I think you have ruined the potential life you could have had with OM1..........a couple of years from now, when you are arguing with OM2 for going into your purse to steal your hard earned food money for your babies so he can buy a bottle of jack and some pot ---- take a minute and reflect on the life you and your children could have had.

 

God be with you, really, I hope things turn out for the best for you. It might be with OM3 who you haven't met yet after you heal from the damage you caused to yourself.