wheelwright Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 After DDay, what is the best thing your WS could say to you and why?
seren Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 It wasn't so much what was said, but how it was said, TBH, no one word would have done it, it took a lot of words and actions and also a lot of time. he told me, I asked if he wanted to leave, he said not. Sounds so simple, but no amount of words could convey how it really went down. He - begged, pleaded, asked, hoped, despair, remorse, regret, guilt, anguish, longing, all single words, but all conveyed in the space of a few minutes. I saw how broken he was, in fact, I took charge of us, would have helped him to move out if that was what he wanted. I just wanted my H to feel whatever made him happy and for me to feel that we were both in it together. I wanted him to understand that the A was possibly the worse thing, ever. You may not get that WW, but for me, who loves and loved, the A was devastating. I just wanted for him to either face up to what he had done to us and to his own self esteem, to move out to be with OW, or to stay and for us to work on our marriage. Simple choices, but oh so very, very hard.
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Right after d-day.......I'm dying would have been fine with me. Years later......nothing is even better than I'm dying.
Woggle Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I will leave you alone and let you keep everything.
tami-chan Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I don't think there is anything he could have said...but I do want him to regret that he ever cheated on me...forever. I think he does
Author wheelwright Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 i want my husband to feel sorry for what happened ( not guilty, just sorry). I also want him to understand how much what he did hurt me, but as he doesn't have personal experience in that area, I doubt he will ever understand, no matter how much he tries. I do think he feels sorry that he hurt me, but he doesn't understand how much. Now that the affair is long over, what i want most would be for him to and myself to learn what we can from it and then move on. It's taking a while, but I think we are getting there. I liked your post.
John Michael Kane Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 There's nothing she could've said to lessen the pain.
Owl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 What I wanted from my wife immediately after d-day was to make a cholce and follow through with it. The choice was him, me, or off on her own. But waffling and indecision wasn't going to happen. That's what she finally did after a short period of 'sorting through it'. After that, she had to actively follow through on her choice. She did. I didn't expect her feelings would change overnight. She needed to see that she could be forgiven, that there was still enough love between us on both sides to work through everything to rebuild our marriage. Just as I had to see the same from her.
michelangelo Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I want her to VOLUNTEER real, genuine remorse and regret that she has harmed the one person she was supposed to protect and love in life. And to never want to think, let alone lust after someone else again. I want the truth of what exactly she was doing and why she felt it necessary to screw up our lives, infect me with STDs and prevent me from having a good life with or without her. She just doesn't have it in her to even realize the scope of the nightmare or her active offense to our marriage. Instead, I'll just go with let me leave and don't even ask for spousal support, let's split the assets evenly. and if anyone asks her why we are parting, she tell them of her longterm cheating. Neither plan is going to happen.
David Cain Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I didn't expect her feelings would change overnight. She needed to see that she could be forgiven She didn't need to see anything except for the fact that you weren't going to tolerate her reckless behavior. You were not obligated to "forgive" her.
Owl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 You're absolutely right. I wasn't obligated to forgive her. But if I chose to attempt to reconcile our marriage, that becomes a critical step. Without forgiveness, there can be no reconciliation. It was entirely my choice as to whether or not I wanted to attempt reconciliation or not. And entirely my choice to forgive her or not as part of that decision. In order for her to make her choice to attempt that or not, she also had to determine the odds of success or not. Had either of us felt it wasn't possible, it wouldn't have been possible. Both parties have to choose to do so...or it has zero chance to succeed.
David Cain Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Without forgiveness, there can be no reconciliation. Sorry, not true. Don't have to forgive a cheater just to stay with them. In order for her to make her choice to attempt that or not, she also had to determine the odds of success or not. Had either of us felt it wasn't possible, it wouldn't have been possible. Both parties have to choose to do so...or it has zero chance to succeed. That was not her decision to make, considering what she'd done.
bentnotbroken Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Sorry, not true. Don't have to forgive a cheater just to stay with them. That was not her decision to make, considering what she'd done. Reconciliation and staying together are not the same thing. One needs forgiveness to remain a couple the other just requires you are able to stomach each other for long periods of time between blow-ups.
StoneCold Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 If you dont want to try to work things out... what would you care what they felt....just leave and move on to greener pastures On the other hand.... If you choose to work things out and they truly felt and demonstrated what many BSers here required (remorse and understanding).Would you as the BS be willing to drop the "victim card", get over yourself and listen to them? Would you make an effort to understand how they feel/felt without trying to toss it back at them? Would you be willing to ask yourself...."what can I do to make the relationship better?" and/or "Did I go wrong somewhere as well and if so how?"
Owl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Sorry, not true. Don't have to forgive a cheater just to stay with them. That was not her decision to make, considering what she'd done. Sorry hydra. Like usual, you try to talk with authority about reconciliation...but you're completely clueless on what it entails. No value in debating this with you...you can't get it because you do not want to. I'm not sure why you bother trying to engage others in discussion on it.
Severely Unamused Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) It wasn't so much what was said, but how it was said, TBH, no one word would have done it, it took a lot of words and actions and also a lot of time. he told me, I asked if he wanted to leave, he said not. Sounds so simple, but no amount of words could convey how it really went down. He - begged, pleaded, asked, hoped, despair, remorse, regret, guilt, anguish, longing, all single words, but all conveyed in the space of a few minutes. I saw how broken he was, in fact, I took charge of us, would have helped him to move out if that was what he wanted. I just wanted my H to feel whatever made him happy and for me to feel that we were both in it together. I wanted him to understand that the A was possibly the worse thing, ever. You may not get that WW, but for me, who loves and loved, the A was devastating. I just wanted for him to either face up to what he had done to us and to his own self esteem, to move out to be with OW, or to stay and for us to work on our marriage. Simple choices, but oh so very, very hard. This. I'm hoping that I'll be so lucky. I don't have high hopes. Edited August 8, 2011 by Severely Unamused
seren Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) If you dont want to try to work things out... what would you care what they felt....just leave and move on to greener pastures On the other hand.... If you choose to work things out and they truly felt and demonstrated what many BSers here required (remorse and understanding).Would you as the BS be willing to drop the "victim card", get over yourself and listen to them? Would you make an effort to understand how they feel/felt without trying to toss it back at them? Would you be willing to ask yourself...."what can I do to make the relationship better?" and/or "Did I go wrong somewhere as well and if so how?" I so agree with this, for any reconciliation to work there has to be reflection on the post A relationship and whether there were issues. This is not excusing the A, hell no, it is looking at the relationship, warts and all, without the rose tinted glasses and saying, OK this is what WE need to do to make OUR marriage work. I knew that me and he had problems before the A, the issues he had after Iraq just heaped on top of them and the A was his escape. I know what I could have done to help and I now know that him feeling so lost and less than ensued that the last person who could have helped was me. Reconciliation is just not going to work if it simply consists of ranting and finger pointing and is so far from what many people imagine. it's like holding on a life raft after a flood with both of you kicking like crazy to stay afloat. I just wanted my H to feel that he wasn't all bad, that he had f***** up big time, that we had taken our eye off the ball, that I hurt, I needed to see remorse and I needed to see and feel understanding. Most of all, I wanted him to feel loved and wanted and that we could do this together, and if he chose to leave, that I would help him and not hate him - me hating him was his greatest fear. I hated the A but not the man. Edited August 8, 2011 by seren poor spelling
David Cain Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Reconciliation and staying together are not the same thing. One needs forgiveness to remain a couple the other just requires you are able to stomach each other for long periods of time between blow-ups. One does not need forgiveness in order to stay together. BSs are not obligated to forgive a cheater.
David Cain Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Sorry hydra. Like usual, you try to talk with authority about reconciliation...but you're completely clueless on what it entails. No value in debating this with you...you can't get it because you do not want to. I'm not sure why you bother trying to engage others in discussion on it. Typical response when someone can't back up their argument.
bentnotbroken Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 One does not need forgiveness in order to stay together. BSs are not obligated to forgive a cheater. I agree with you. Forgiveness isn't required, but it will not be a true reconciliation, just staying together for whatever reason until it all blows up again. Reconciliation requires work...staying together requires an excuse not to leave.
David Cain Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I agree with you. Forgiveness isn't required, but it will not be a true reconciliation, just staying together for whatever reason until it all blows up again. You're going to blow up regardless. Reconciliation requires work...staying together requires an excuse not to leave. But that doesn't mean one has to say they forgive a cheater. Besides, one can never forgive a cheater truly. Oh yea, and what "excuse" is that? Saying that everyone is a cheater and how it was somehow your fault that you got cheated on? Denial.
rafallus Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 One does not need forgiveness in order to stay together. BSs are not obligated to forgive a cheater.Actually, nobody is obligated to forgive anyone anything, ever. It's just a good will. Then again, if you plan to stay with person who you haven't forgiven, it's gonna get venomous and hateful. To each their own though.
bentnotbroken Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 You're going to blow up regardless. Oh yea, and what "excuse" is that? Saying that everyone is a cheater and how it was somehow your fault that you got cheated on? Denial. Actually DC, I am not in denial. I knew what my future held and it wasn't necessary for me to stay to figure it out. I don't buy the everyone cheats at some point(I didn't), I don't buy that him cheating was my fault(I didn't place his penis in her vagina), I didn't buy into any of his excuses. I am responsible for the problems that I helped to create in the marriage. I am responsible for sweeping our issues under the rug and walking around them without working on them. I am responsible for trusting him blindly. Since the terms reconciliation and staying are the same for you and not me. I guess we agree to disagree.
Owl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Typical response when someone can't back up their argument. What's to argue? You're talking about "staying together"...what you're describing isn't reconciliation. You don't believe in reconciliation, and aren't open to consider how it works. What's to discuss in light of that? What would you hope to gain out of that conversation? Why argue when there is no value in it? We already know that we don't agree.
Owl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Actually, nobody is obligated to forgive anyone anything, ever. It's just a good will. Then again, if you plan to stay with person who you haven't forgiven, it's gonna get venomous and hateful. To each their own though. Completely agreed.
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