Does My Past Matter?

[Severely Unamused]

I'm going to be honest Training, I haven't read through all six pages, so perhaps some of these points have already been touched on.

 

Ideally, you will want an understanding partner that accepts you for who you are, warts n' all. While I don't believe that your ex-gf was being purposefully malicious (IMO there was some destructive psychology that was making her feel painfully conflicted down to her core, and I believe that she loved you in some twisted way, even towards the end), evidently, she wasn't the person for you. Likewise, I would hope that you understand the motivations for her opinions too. It does disappoint me that some posters simplify her as being "naive" and how she "wouldn't understand", when her opinion and life choices are just as valid as any other.

 

I would advocate that since your previous two relationships were so self-destructive, that you focus less on such external factors, and instead place more attention on building yourself up on an emotional level. It does seem like you are not ready for anything serious yet. In any case, I wish you well.

 

My 2 cents.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[MissBee]

I'm going to be honest Training, I haven't read through all six pages, so perhaps some of these points have already been touched on.

 

Ideally, you will want an understanding partner that accepts you for who you are, warts n' all. While I don't believe that your ex-gf was being purposefully malicious (IMO there was some destructive psychology that was making her feel painfully conflicted down to her core, and I believe that she loved you in some twisted way, even towards the end), evidently, she wasn't the person for you. Likewise, I would hope that you understand the motivations for her opinions too. It does disappoint me that some posters simplify her as being "naive" and how she "wouldn't understand", when her opinion and life choices are just as valid as any other.

 

I would advocate that since your previous two relationships were so self-destructive, that you focus less on such external factors, and instead place more attention on building yourself up on an emotional level. It does seem like you are not ready for anything serious yet. In any case, I wish you well.

 

My 2 cents.

 

I agree 100% Severely! Particularly with the last section.

[Severely Unamused]

I agree 100% Severely! Particularly with the last section.

 

Yep.

 

Another thing that I have thought of: if your own 8 year experience with this married woman has challenged your own personal views, and influenced you in such a profound way (such as encouraging the level of introspection that you are currently going through), I could pretty easily see your ex-gf being affected by similar feelings. Partly the 10 month duration that you kept quiet about it (causing her to reevaluate your levels of openness and whether or not she could trust you). Also, the fact that she had created an idealised image of you in her head, only for you to personally crush it, hurting her ability to trust others (if I was wrong about you, how do I know that I am not wrong about other people?).

 

One theory that crossed my mind was that if she had treated you extremely well before you informed her of your past, the shock of what you had told her would've released a floodgate of questions. Can I trust him? Why am I treating him so badly, even though this isn't who I am? Should I just leave? Staying with you for so could have instigated a large amount of self-loathing on her part. Although I could be entirely off-base with this.

 

So I can actually understand why she held such resentment towards you.

 

Just something to think about.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[confusedinkansas]

I haven't read this entire thread - only poked around a bit

 

My take on the situation ~ Doesn't EVERYONE HAVE A PAST?

 

Why is it necessary for you to share EVERY encounter you had BEFORE her? (the ex gf)

Has she shared EVERY encounter BEFORE YOU?

 

After reading your initial post the first thing that popped into my head "She was looking for an out & you gave her one"

(sad huh)

 

Personally I think she's overreacting.....as I said - Everyone has a past. This is hardly so earth shattering (since it happened BEFORE you two met) that she'd flip out like this.

[MissBee]

Yep.

 

Another thing that I have thought of: if your own 8 year experience with this married woman has challenged your own personal views, and influenced you in such a profound way (such as encouraging the level of introspection that you are currently going through), I could pretty easily see your ex-gf being affected by similar feelings. Partly the 10 month duration that you kept quiet about it (causing her to reevaluate your levels of openness and whether or not she could trust you). Also, the fact that she had created an idealised image of you in her head, only for you to personally crush it, hurting her ability to trust others (if I was wrong about you, how do I know that I am not wrong about other people?).

 

One theory that crossed my mind was that if she had treated you extremely well before you informed her of your past, the shock of what you had told her would've released a floodgate of questions. Can I trust him? Why am I treating him so badly, even though this isn't who I am? Should I just leave? Staying with you for so could have instigated a large amount of self-loathing on her part. Although I could be entirely off-base with this.

So I can actually understand why she held such resentment towards you.

Just something to think about.

 

Yes, I understand as well! I think it comes down to everyone being honest with themselves about who they are, who the person they are dating is, can they live with it and do they feel like they would be compromising or growing in a positive direction together.

 

 

I think this was the fork in the road for the OP and his ex, and I think it was a catalyst for self-interrogation, as you've stated. Relationships are our greatest teachers, and sometimes that means you don't end up together, but the duration of the relationship and the ending open new doors for self discovery and for you to enter into a different level of self awareness.

[YeahDotDotDot]

Yeahdotdotdot,

 

Did you break up with your ex because he was involved in an affair?

 

Oh no. We haven't been together for several years now and the affair happened after we split up. The point I'm making is that I did have questions for him, but I didn't think any less of him as a human being. We still talk from time to time and I think he will make someone very happy one day.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks OnyxSnowFall for your advice and thoughts ...

 

I really wanted things to work out with my X after having been with a married woman for 8 years. I realized how much time I had wasted and pulled all of my available resources to try and date her. She was so beautiful, intelligent, funny, close in age, and most importantly she was not married! If she ever was in love with me, it was the real me - not some character I fabricated to "trick" her into falling in love with me.

 

I haven't really discussed it much, but there were red flags I saw before my 10 month disclosure. I just pawned them off as cute little quirks or eccentricities. It wasn't what I would call a perfect relationship before I told her about my past. That was probably why I waited so long because I didn't feel comfortable yet. I could see she had major trust issues and defensive walls constructed around her. I wanted to break through those walls, befriend her, and treat her really well. I succeeded without telling her in the beginning about my past. Maybe we were incompatible to begin with and nothing I would have said or done would have saved the relationship.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks jj33, I could really sense your understanding of the situation. I especially related to your comment about shame helping us to avoid repeating the same mistakes again in the future. You mention having been involved with a married man and not knowing if you would disclose that information in a future relationship. Is that because you, too, would be afraid of being judged and abandoned?

[Under The Radar]

Thanks Severely Unamused for your comments and best wishes. I agree that I do need to work on building myself up. Right now my self-esteem is in the gutter and I just started eating properly and exercising again. I have been diligently seeing a therapist for the past few years and have read many books to compliment my counseling. Everyone who has responded giving me advice has really helped too. Thanks ...

[Under The Radar]

BTW, Severely Unamused, if she held so much resentment towards me after my disclosure why on earth would she not just dump me? Do you have any idea why she would string me along for another 3 years when she had such contempt for me?

[Under The Radar]

Confusedinkansas, I too thought her reaction was severe. The hardest part was how she told all of her friends and family. I mean, her mom hated me after that and she never got the chance to know me. It was terrible. I know she did not share everything about her past with me.

[Under The Radar]

BB07, I really feel for you after reading some of your story. It sounds like he was really dishonest with you and then once you found out the truth you were already emotionally attached. I am glad you are out of that relationship even though it is painful. The fact that you have reconciled with any guilt you had is admirable. I know I still question myself and carry a heavy burden for the failure of my last relationship. I think when you are ready to date again, like many of the LS posters have stated, the right guy will accept you for who you are if you choose to tell him about your past. Having a year under your belt since the affair ended, I believe, has given you strength and clarity. As far as anger, I wish I could feel that emotion sometimes. I usually end up with sadness and confusion instead. I just need more time to process everything and forgive myself.

[Emme]

Consider yourself blessed. You dodged a bullet. My issue is with her telling her family. I find that no matter what you would have said to her in your relationship it would have never stayed between the both of you. There are somethings that should not be repeated. I don't think she should have to be told that your personal past was not something to share with her whole family. I understand her anger but her telling tales of your personal past to others was wrong. Consider yourself lucky.

[Under The Radar]

MissBee, I agree that my relationships have been a tool to teach me to be aware of myself and others to a greater degree. I hope that even though my X viewed me as dishonest she will be able to reflect back on some of her treatment of me and feel regret. I still love her and I know I'll never forget these 4 years together.

[Under The Radar]

YeahDotDotDot,

 

I am glad you hold no ill will towards your X and that some of your lingering questions have been answered.

[Under The Radar]

Emme,

 

Yes, her relaying my past to her family was probably the most hurtful aspect of this whole relationship to me. I never had a fighting chance after that to redeem myself. The really frustrating thing is that my X never made any attempt to correct the situation. After my disclosure, and her choice to stay with me, she never told them again about any of the wonderful things I did for her. To this day, I still don't understand why she would keep everything I did for her a secret from her family and friends. Maybe if they knew all that I had done for her they would have liked me and wanted me in her life.

[Gentlegirl]

Emme,

 

Yes, her relaying my past to her family was probably the most hurtful aspect of this whole relationship to me. I never had a fighting chance after that to redeem myself. The really frustrating thing is that my X never made any attempt to correct the situation. After my disclosure, and her choice to stay with me, she never told them again about any of the wonderful things I did for her. To this day, I still don't understand why she would keep everything I did for her a secret from her family and friends. Maybe if they knew all that I had done for her they would have liked me and wanted me in her life.

 

I can understand how that must have hurt you. What you told her was your private past. If you had been cheating on her when you were together, I can understand how they might have been upset with you.

 

You will probably never understand and many of us don't understand a lot about the past.

 

Try to put her and all the hurt behind you as soon as you can. Find a girl who will love you because of who you are not what you once did. Then you will be able to do wonderful things for her.

 

Gentlegirl

[Severely Unamused]

BTW, Severely Unamused, if she held so much resentment towards me after my disclosure why on earth would she not just dump me? Do you have any idea why she would string me along for another 3 years when she had such contempt for me?

 

The list goes on.

 

Ask yourself: why did I stay in an emotionally abusive relationship? Perhaps you and her are more similar then you would think.

 

Maybe she thought that she could forgive you, stay together and build a life. Perhaps because you were still her knight in rusty armor, her broken Prince.

 

Maybe she genuinely loved you. See, one opinion that floats around here is that, despite being involved in an affair and knowing the amount of emotional pain that they can cause, some WSs still genuinely love their BSs underneath. That same logic could be applied to your ex, though not perfectly.

 

Maybe she just couldn't let go because of her own flaws. Because she didn't want to be alone.

 

Who knows?

 

Since you are currently in introspection mode, I believe that these are good questions to ask. But I also know that it is important not to dwell on the past. Try not to lose yourself.

[Under The Radar]

Gentlegirl, Thanks for the support. I understand your advice to move on - now I just need to live it. You are so right that sometimes we never get the answers we seek from the past. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier right now. One day at a time ...

[Under The Radar]

Severely Unamused,

 

I really appreciate the time you have taken to try and answer this difficult question for me. I thought I had forgiven myself a long time ago, but her judgment of me after I disclosed my past ripped open many of the wounds that had been healing. In seeking forgiveness and validation from her I ended up losing my sense of self and suffering greatly as a result. I agree that her opinions and views are just as valid as ours on this subject. My contention was in her subsequent treatment of me which was often times poor due to the grudge she never let go. Thanks again for taking the time to impart your words of wisdom. You have definitely given me food for thought.

[jj33]

Thanks jj33, I could really sense your understanding of the situation. I especially related to your comment about shame helping us to avoid repeating the same mistakes again in the future. You mention having been involved with a married man and not knowing if you would disclose that information in a future relationship. Is that because you, too, would be afraid of being judged and abandoned?

 

Good question Training. Im not sure. The affair has been over for several years but it is the gift that keeps on giving...

 

During the first year or so after it ended, it felt like the most significant relationship of my life and in some ways it was. At that point, I couldnt imagine not disclosing it because I couldnt have conceived that someone could really "get me" if they didnt know about that. And if someone had abandoned me on that basis it would have been for the best because they wouldnt have accepted me as I was at that point. But I was weary and a little bit broken from it all.

 

Now with the passage of time, it has assumed less importance in the story of my life. The relationship was important to me but I have integrated it into my past and it no longer stands out as a vital piece of information.

 

There were so many things that were good and special about it when it was going on, and afterwards I thought I would never regret it. But because we remained in touch and our coping mechanisms for being in touch and not being a couple were (to be polite) not what they might have been, he became the bane of my existence for awhile. There were times I posted here during that period and blamed it all on him. In retrospect I see I played a part in it as well. And I learned from that.

 

Our relationship is very special to the extent that its amazing that we are now able to speak when we need to (which isnt often at this point) and have that feeling that you have towards an ex girlfriend or boyfriend - teh remembrance of being very fond of each other if that makes sense.

 

But its no longer a vital piece of information. When I tell people about it I just say it was a complicated relationship and thats that. What made it special and what made it complicated had little to do with his marriage mostly because he lives like a single man so our relationship M-F was very similar to a relationship that I would have with a single person.

 

I think I am alot older than you and it blends more readily into the many relationships I have had in my life if I think of what I would tell a new partner.

 

Also there is that old adage that total 1000% openness isnt really good for any relationship. (theres an old movie called Moonstruck where someone says never show a man all of your azz or something like that). The meaning being that once you have integrated the experience into your life, there are some things that are yours.

 

And as an older woman, I have found that most men dont WANT to know everything. They dont want to hear about every lover every disappointment, every bad thing that happened in my life, every misstep that I have taken in my life. Things come out over the course of months and years. And some things never need to come out at all. It just depends. When I was younger I thought it was important to tell people everything. But as I have grown older I have learned that for many people certain information is a burden.

 

Some will tell you that is not good and ive just met the wrong people but I think that bad information needs to come out slowly. And not everyone needs to know it. And lets face it, its not like you are looking for an open relationship, you arent saying gee I like the idea of non monagamous relationships. So your past whatever is contained there, doesnt define your future so it doesnt really impact her. Its not like you have an infectious disease like herpes or something that you could transmit to her.

 

That being said, in your case I think its great that you told the woman because she showed her true colors, she was not able to handle a real person, she wanted the perfect mythical prince. Thats not a good recipe for a marriage.

 

I hope that makes sense.

[jwi71]

I'll firstly admit to not having read past one.

 

To answer your question of "does the past matter" I believe the answer is clear and self-evident: it does.

 

At least it does to HER. And to YOU.

 

Your past, while the past, shapes and defines you in ways and means YOU decide. The understanding and growth is yours and yours alone. You may take from your time as OM and from the GF dumping you whatever lesson you will. And those lessons WILL change with time.

 

As I alluded to in my first sentence, I have not read but the first page so if this has been asked kindly forgive me.

 

But what have you learned?

About you?

About being an OM?

What does your past say about WHAT you believe in (in terms of relationships and monogamy)?

Would you be an OM again? Why or why not?

What does it say about HER? Her beliefs and values?

Do you believe this albatross around your neck will ever be gone? What must you do or not do to get there?

How can YOU grow from this (your A and being dumped by it)?

 

Mourn her loss.

But do not ever second guess your choice to tell.

The path to true, open and honest intimacy is in sharing. And not just the good. The bad and the ugly too.

In time, when you have thought and reflected and mourned and grieved and lost, you WILL find a woman who will NOT run. Who will accept you and your past. I trust you begin to understand that this woman is worth her weight in gold.

 

We all have a past and it belongs there.

We all should also learn from and make peace with our own and others.

 

--JW

[Under The Radar]

jj33, thank you for sharing some of your life, experience, and insight with me. It seems like you are at peace with both yourself and the decisions you have made in life. If that is the case I really admire and respect your ability to have attained that. I, too, wish to reach a point where things are more clear and I doubt myself less.

 

I know at some point I will heal enough to venture out into the world in search of new love. I feel like so much time has been wasted and I am disheartened by that. I only now realize now, at 37, how much time I wasted in a dead end relationship with a married woman. I truly loved her with all of my heart and never even expected her to leave her family for me. In fact, I discouraged her from doing just that because I knew that ultimately it would devastate her career, children, her husband, and HER. I was 23 years younger than her and just wanted to be loved. I never thought I would become involved with a married woman old enough to have been my mother. I didn't realize that 12 years later I would reflect back on my time with her and regret so much.

 

I know in my heart that the right thing to do is be honest with the next woman. There were only 4 months in between the married woman ending our relationship and the start of my most recent relationship with the X I spoke of here. I didn't have time to properly reflect on everything that happened. I was in so much pain from her departure that I spent my 33rd birthday staring at a wall in my bedroom. Then, when I met this new woman, my age and single, I dove in headfirst with the best of intentions. I wanted to get as far away from the pain and memories of the married woman.

 

I never mentioned it, but the married woman came back 6 months after I had started to date my X begging me to return to her. By that point I had enough time to distance myself from her and knew the healthiest thing for me was to pursue the relationship with the single woman my age. I was still in love with the married woman, but she hurt me and I now had a chance to have a healthy relationship. I supposed, given the time line, 10 months wasn't too long to wait for full disclosure of my past. Unfortunately, she did not accept my past and I would spend the next several years trying to regain her trust to no avail.

[Gentlegirl]

Gentlegirl, Thanks for the support. I understand your advice to move on - now I just need to live it. You are so right that sometimes we never get the answers we seek from the past. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier right now. One day at a time ...

 

One day at a time is good. sometimes it will be a great day and then other times it will be a ****ty day.

 

The main thing is that you don't allow your past and the x to ruin and colour your future.

 

What is past can stay that way if you like in my opinion. I wouldn't be dredging up all my encounters at my age to tell a prospective partner.... mainly because I probably can't remember a lot of them at 64!

 

have a great day...

 

Gentlegirl

[jj33]

Training it sounds like posting is helping you come to grips with it. The new woman was so soon after the affair that your perspective on it was very fresh. If you still feel you need to tell someone, I think it means that you still have a lot of guilt about it. In time you may see it differently. All I can say is tellilng someone doesnt get you forgiveness, only you can forgive yourself for doing something that went against your moral compass or if thats not why you need to tell if you need to tell because it was a significant relationship then tell. And the right woman will accept how it made you teh man you are today.

 

Even if someone thinks affairs are the worst thing in the world, there are few among us who have never violated our own moral codes and the right person will be open enough to I appreciate your honesty.