Does My Past Matter?

[Under The Radar]

Whichwayisup I appreciate the comment. I agree that owning our mistakes is important for growth and forgiveness. Had I not been involved with a married woman, been subsequently hurt, and had time to reflect I know I'd be more judgmental about those scenarios too. I can see many more things in life as falling into the gray area because of my experiences. After I disclosed my past to her she said she would never in her life do such a thing as I'd done. I just pictured in my head at the time that I had never thought I'd be involved in something like that either. I have learned a lot since I met the married woman 14 years ago. I would not make that same mistake again and I am much less judgmental than I used to be.

[MissBee]

Thanks MissBee, I know you are right. I always had my past weighing on my mind and wanted to tell her. Her not understanding and accepting me was my biggest fear and it came true. Knowing what I know now I'd have walked away then. I am not ready to date again, but i am already dreading the process of explaining myself to a future girl.

 

Do you think that you yourself have accepted your past? I think that also affects how you address it with another and how it comes off to that person. I think the more you accept what happened, have worked through it and are at total peace, it shows to others, and the less you'll be scared of their reaction.

[NoIDidn't]

NoIDidn't,

 

The married woman I was with never called me "prince charming" or "her Knight in shining armor". She was just very kind to me (until the very end when I suppose to break away she had to be cruel) and treated me well. She had a motherly and nurturing way about her which I suppose filled a void within me coming from an abusive and broken home. I believe she really did love me very much.

 

My recent X never told me she thought of me as "prince charming" until after I disclosed my past. Only after she was hurt did she mention to me how she thought I was perfect and the one to spend the rest of her life with. When she said that to me it just magnified my guilt and made me feel like the worst boyfriend on the face of the earth. When she would on occasion make mention of me making her happy I would feel like a king. All I wanted to do was make her smile, but that became increasingly difficult over the years.

 

How long are you out of this relationship? It all sounds so raw.

 

People definitely judge those that have helped others betray their spouses, but I've never imagined they'd be as cruel about it like she was to you - or that it could do so much damage. She said such cruel things to you to twist the knife. Its okay that she was disappointed, we all have those moments. But its not okay that she held it over your head for the remainder of your R.

 

I appreciate your answering my questions. Neither relationship sounds like it was good for you in the long-run. I'm glad you're out of both, but especially the most recent one.

[Under The Radar]

MissBee,

 

To answer your question, no I don't think I have truly accepted my past yet. I do know it was a mistake, I regret it, and I would never repeat it. I thought I had healed from my past and moved on, but when my recent X lambasted me for it over the years it caused me to doubt myself. I went from concluding I was a good person who made a bad mistake to I was simply a bad person. When I do get to a place of forgiving myself I think I'll still be scared to share this information with a woman I like ...

[MissBee]

MissBee,

 

To answer your question, no I don't think I have truly accepted my past yet. I do know it was a mistake, I regret it, and I would never repeat it. I thought I had healed from my past and moved on, but when my recent X lambasted me for it over the years it caused me to doubt myself. I went from concluding I was a good person who made a bad mistake to I was simply a bad person. When I do get to a place of forgiving myself I think I'll still be scared to share this information with a woman I like ...[/QUOTE]

 

I could tell. Sometimes these things happen to show us how much we have or have not healed...

 

It's easy to put something "behind" you, in that you've NEVER addressed it, but it just didn't come up...but once you get into another relationship, you start to realize it was never dealt with.

 

I think now is your chance to truly heal from it, not only the ending, but the aspects of your childhood, leading you to choose an older woman for mothering, and the A. That's not something you "accidentally" get over and the issues don't end because the relationship ends. I think your choice to be single makes sense, your higher self is probably telling you that you do have some sorting out to do....

 

I believe that once you go back and heal these things, you will find that your new found acceptance and peace makes you less scared of embarking on new relationship and disclosing your past. I wish you much luck and much healing

[Under The Radar]

NoIDidn't,

 

I appreciate your time and for answering my questions. The relationship ended about 3 months ago. Not even a month before that she went all out on my birthday. I was so happy because the treatment I got on that day was amazing. She said she wanted to marry me, felt connected to me, thought I'd be a great father, and trusted me. She took me out for dinner, made me a card, made love to me, but I was saddened because it was a glimpse of what our relationship really should have been. Once a year for an evening that spectacular just didn't feel right. I did those things for her all of the time. It was almost like she knew I was a terrific catch, but could never quite get over my past or the fact that I waited 10 months to tell her about it.

 

I just started eating properly and exercising a week ago. I really let myself go the pat few months trying to sort things out in my head. I looked like a walking zombie - skin and bones. I need to gain my weight back, work on my self esteem, forgive myself, and stop doubting my instincts. I still have dreams and thoughts where she continues to tell me I am a terrible boyfriend. Sigh ...

[Under The Radar]

Thank you MissBee. You are right in that I didn't properly grieve and process the relationship with the married woman. I am hopefully coming to terms with that now. Part of me thinks that my recent X would have never accepted me for who I am even if I showed all of my cards in the very beginning of our relationship. No enough maturity and too much black and white thinking.

[YeahDotDotDot]

I have had recent contact with an ex who was involved in an affair. I asked him what I wanted to know and left it at that. I do not place labels or judgements on him because he does not need that from me. Not sure how another woman would take it, but she is entitled to her own feelings. As others have said, if she has reacted this way toward you, it isn't meant to be.

[Under The Radar]

Yeahdotdotdot,

 

Did you break up with your ex because he was involved in an affair?

[woinlove]

TR, you know your former GF and likely have a good idea of how she would have reacted had you revealed earlier. But I do think the delay of 10 months was too long, particularly since it is clear that long affair - many marriages don't even last 8 years! - is still a major part of you and affects you. Perhaps your GF put it together, 8 years in a secret A, you didn't end it, and now 10 months withholding something that meant so much to you, and worried about a pattern. As far as telling her family and friends, if she had thought you might be "the one" but was now worried, she might have been quite confused and in need of support. It is not at all unusual for some basic information about an R that lasted so long to be known by family and friends as well, although secret affairs are something different.

 

Maybe everything I said above is off-base, but if you spent several years with your GF she must have had some qualities you admired. The thing that strikes me the most is that you still need time to process your long affair despite the time that has passed. As someone else said, it is up to you whether you view affairs as wrong or okay depending on the circumstances. But that view should not rely on how others, including potential future partners, view affairs, but rather it should come from inside you. Maybe you now viewing those 8 years as a "bad mistake" does come from inside you, but from what you have written here it is not clear. You don't need to convince me or anyone here of your views or ethics, but you should be confident of them yourself on this matter which affected your Rs so much.

 

As an aside, I don't view my time as an OW as a mistake, I view it as a time when I had limited empathy and compassion for others and sharing my time with someone who was deceiving another didn't bother me. That wasn't a mistake, that was me as a person with a limited capacity for love. I know I have changed. I can't say it was a mistake that I was the person I was. But, that is my own story and path - yours may be different. Whatever it is, it should really be yours and not be simply a reaction to external judgements.

[Under The Radar]

Woinlove,

 

Your insights on this matter are both helpful and appreciated. I can understand only now, several years later, the impact my involvement with a married woman had on both me and this relationship. I guess I expected her to understand and forgive me when I told her. I thought that telling the truth, even at ten months, would help foster a deeper connection between us. Unfortunately it shattered the innocence she thought our relationship had and her vision of me as a terrific person was now suspect.

 

She accused me of faking who I am and that our relationship had built on nothing but falsities and lies. I kept explaining to her, over and over again, that the man she grew to know and love was, in fact, the real me. At the time I didn't even think 10 months was too long to tell her about my past. I thought the extra time would allow her to see my "true colors" and know that I was a worthy companion.

 

The hardest part for me is that we were together for another 3 years after that and the lack of trust of still there. After I told her she took down all of the pictures she had of us from her apartment and it would be another 2 years before she would put them back up. When I asked her why she didn't have our pictures up anymore she would reply that I was a liar and she didn't want pictures up of a liar. Sigh ...

 

I was able to convince her to try couples counseling at 15 months which only lasted 4 sessions. The first 3 sessions were all about my past relationship as the therapist and my X wanted me to discuss in detail what had happened. I painfully told my story again - after having told my then girlfriend this same story several times since my disclosure at 10 months. When I was finished, the therapist looked at my girlfriend and asked her if she had ever heard any of this before. She then said no, to the therapist, because I had never been willing to discuss it with her since my disclosure. I thought in my head at the time WTF? I had told her all of this several times beforehand. I can only assume she was lying (playing the victim?) or that she really believed I had never shared this information with her (disassociation?). The 4th session was when the therapist started to talk to my X about maybe not being understanding enough about waiting 10 months and how someone could be afraid to disclose something like that. We never went back after that because she said I was "manipulating the therapist". Meanwhile, the entire therapy sessions were spent talking about how I hurt her and discussing my past. I spent those final 3 years trying to make amends for my mistakes.

[So Very Confused]

TR,

 

Your story made me sad. We both understand that what you did was wrong but it was over a long time before you met your ex fiancee. I think you are lucky that you didn't end up married to that woman. She sounds vindictive and mean. When you love someone you accept their past, you don't have to like it but you accept it as a part of the person you love and you never use it as a weapon against them. It sounds like your ex really wanted to punish you and hurt you and someone who loves you would never do that. When you love them you want them to feel good, you don't want them to feel bad.

 

I don't have a good answer about when to tell someone you are dating about your past affair. It doesn't seem like something to reveal until you know someone fairly well. I guess the rule of thumb of treating someone else the way you would want to be treated applies.

 

I hope you realize that you did a bad thing but you aren't a bad person. You past is your past and you can't change it. Learn from it and move on. Don't make it a life sentence.

[Under The Radar]

aasdf, I appreciate and respect your opinion on this matter. By your response and intonation I would guess you have either been betrayed by infidelity or someone close to you has. If that is the case, I am truly sorry for the pain that must have caused you.

 

As mentioned earlier, my mother cheated on my father when I was young and I was cheated on by my first girlfriend who I dated for 7 years. I was devastated and saw cheating as black and white. At that time in my life I would have thought everyone on the Other Man/Other Woman Thread was morally vapid with absolutely no conscience at all. In other words, all cheaters are garbage.

 

I agree with you that people should be judged by their actions and not just words. However, an individual should be judged on ALL of their actions and not just a select few. I would agree with you that my involvement with a married woman was wrong and I deeply regret it. I wish I could get those 8 years back and if time travel was possible you better believe I would have made different decisions. I'd probably be married with my own family now if that was the case. Nevertheless, that is not possible so I have no other option but to move forward. Nevertheless, if I look back on my life to all of my actions, I have been more honest than dishonest, I have done more good than bad, and I have been more selfless than selfish.

 

Through therapy, self introspection, and many talks with different people I realize how I could have ended up in a relationship with a married woman. Coming from a broken home, abusive childhood, and low self-esteem helped groom me for poor decisions I have made in my life. The woman I was involved with was very maternal towards me and filled a painful void I had for many years. It was not planned and I cannot say I truly understood everything that was happening. I was young, immature, inexperienced, and lonely. In short, I was damaged and did not have the skills and guidance to overcome my baggage at that time. It doesn't mean what I did was right, it just means I can now understand how someone could end up in a situation like that.

 

I should also mention that for many of those 8 years I was miserable. I saw my life passing by and did not know how to extricate myself from the situation. I desperately wanted to have a girlfriend my own age with the potential for a family. I did not think that was possible or that I even deserved that. Therefore, I clung to what little love their was in my life. Much of those years I was alone, not hanging out with the married woman, and I ended up dedicating some of the best years of my life to a dead end relationship without even realizing the ultimate repercussions. I believe that the relationship with the married woman hurt me far more than it did her or her family.

 

BTW, I did not come to the forums for sympathy or pity. No one could ever beat me up over this more than I have already done to myself. I simply wanted guidance and advise so that moving forward I can make better decisions. As for posting in the Other Man/Other Woman Thread I initially wasn't going to. I was going to post in the Break Up or Coping Sections, but out of respect for the many people on those forums, who have been cheated on or are hurting from a betrayal, I decided against it. I was never looking for a biased viewpoint to support the bad choices I have made in my life.

 

Thanks again for your perspective ...

[Under The Radar]

Thank you for your kind words and reading my story So Very Confused. I agree that when you really love someone you treat them well. When I disclosed my past to my current X, and she reacted the way she did, I believed we would either break up or I'd be forgiven. I never in my wildest dreams thought we would be together for another 3 years and have her treat me so poorly due to her resentment. I have no desire to list verbatim the many instances of cruelty I underwent as a direct result of her anger about this situation.

 

I can honestly say, in retrospect, she was very abusive towards me. I felt I needed to "weather the storm" as a form of penance. I believed I was a piece of s*** and the only way I could redeem myself was to work harder on meeting her needs. In the end, after countless apologies and back breaking efforts, I realized I would never be looked at the same again. Simply put I was never forgiven or trusted. Yet, the funny thing is, she thought I was the best boyfriend in the world before I shared my past. In other words, my treatment of HER never changed over the years. What changed was her perspective on me. I feel like I have paid a lot of dues for my past.

[Under The Radar]

What does BS mean on the forums?

[OnyxSnowfall]

(I haven't read all of the responses... so apologies beforehand if I'm about to rehash something... I don't exactly have the time to sift through everything right now, but I do feel inclined to respond to the original post).

 

Different people desire different things. I can sum up the answer to your questions in one sentence: be the kind of person you want to be with.

 

I'm not talking semantics there --- obviously contrast is important, and where one partner may be weak the other may be strong (and each can help each other grow, being with a clone isn't even ideal), etc etc.

 

I'm referring to values.

 

Is it important to you to know your partner's history? is it important to *you* that your partner know yours?

 

It is generally not good to become involved with someone whose values are in opposition to yours. Sometimes there is no right and no wrong. Sometimes there are just preferences and a differing set of "needs". Sometimes there are things that canNOT, or should not be changed about a person.

 

Perhaps to your recent ex, it was important to her for you to have been open about your past initially -- perhaps seeing that you had ample opportunity to share it, and yet did not, is what most disturbed her. It is possible that she may not have become attached to you if you had been, but it would have been better for both of you to find that out earlier on anyway. It is also possible she may have been truly forgiving of it if you had been initially open.

 

I'm not going to say that anyone was specifically immature. Everyone can be immature, and factor in strong emotions and well... need I say more?

 

It's understandable that you are hurt. But some things are self-fulfilling prophecies...

 

you are not required to share your past with anyone. But if you want to have an intimate relationship, I would suggest finding someone who doesn't mind not knowing or that you just risk the chance that someone may be put off by it.

 

I personally tend to think that true intimacy is experienced through honesty, sharing and acceptance. Ask yourself what you want.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks, BB07

[OnyxSnowfall]

BB07 --- you shouldn't be terrified.

 

You should think of it as "weeding" out those who cannot accept a part of you, even if it's just a part of your history. (a "blessing in disguise", yes, although I have a feeling that in the OP's case, it had more to do with him cowering from his past and appearing to deceive than just him relaying it and her rejecting it)

 

But past DOES matter. A lot of what we are come from our "memories". Our past doesn't have to define us in a present sense, but it certainly has shaped us and will continue to do so as we move through "time" --- yes, some of the best things we learn come from mistakes.

 

Better to find someone who understands mistakes are inevitable and that THEY too make them than be afraid of those who can't grasp that. Many of those people just have trouble forgiving themselves, and would do better to build themselves up before heading off and trying to form deep relationships with others.

[Under The Radar]

OnyxSnowfall, thanks for trying to help me. I want to be honest in the future, but I am afraid that every woman will not give me the chance once I disclose my past. I want what everyone wants: To be loved and to love in return. I fear that many woman, who would be very happy to be with me, would never take the opportunity to get to know me if I told them about my involvement with a married woman.

 

I understand what everyone is saying and my heart tells me you are correct. However, my brain says maybe you are best leaving the past in the past. I know my X didn't share her entire past with me and I didn't care. I cared about how we treated each other in the present moving forward. Some days I am glad I told her everything from my past, but other days I wonder if I made the right decision. It's all so confusing because there doesn't appear to be a right or wrong answer. I don't want to end up wasting more years of my life by doing the wrong thing.

[So Very Confused]

Thank you for your kind words and reading my story So Very Confused. I agree that when you really love someone you treat them well. When I disclosed my past to my current X, and she reacted the way she did, I believed we would either break up or I'd be forgiven. I never in my wildest dreams thought we would be together for another 3 years and have her treat me so poorly due to her resentment. I have no desire to list verbatim the many instances of cruelty I underwent as a direct result of her anger about this situation.

 

I can honestly say, in retrospect, she was very abusive towards me. I felt I needed to "weather the storm" as a form of penance. I believed I was a piece of s*** and the only way I could redeem myself was to work harder on meeting her needs. In the end, after countless apologies and back breaking efforts, I realized I would never be looked at the same again. Simply put I was never forgiven or trusted. Yet, the funny thing is, she thought I was the best boyfriend in the world before I shared my past. In other words, my treatment of HER never changed over the years. What changed was her perspective on me. I feel like I have paid a lot of dues for my past.

 

I completely understand how you feel. I left my marriage feeling much the same way. It's a daily struggle to recover from the damage and I know it contributed to the reason why I settled for MM. I've found some very helpful books on the subject and have found that therapy is very beneficial. It's almost like abusers have a common check list and a shared game plan. They are all so much alike.

 

It sounds like your experience happened in a different order than mine. You had the affair and THEN suffered the abuse. I suffered the abuse and then the affair, but the result and feelings are the same.

 

I wish you the best! Chin up, there's help out there.

[So Very Confused]

Some days I am glad I told her everything from my past, but other days I wonder if I made the right decision. It's all so confusing because there doesn't appear to be a right or wrong answer. I don't want to end up wasting more years of my life by doing the wrong thing.

 

She would have found a reason to be abusive no matter what your past included. It's about her. It's not really about you.

[Under The Radar]

BB07, I appreciate your support. It is pretty scary to admit our mistakes to others that we want to accept us. If you are out of a relationship with a married man for a year then I would assume you have processed everything that has transpired? Do you feel any guilt or think your choice was wrong? I only ask out of curiosity and cast no judgment on you at all.

 

I guess there is no black or white answer to how we proceed in future relationships. If and when we choose to be honest appears to be the individuals choice. I have no clue what I'd do in the future. I really didn't think 10 months in my previous relationship was too long to disclose my past, but from the responses I have received it would appear it was.

 

I, like you, wanted to show the person I was with that I could be a decent partner. We all know how much of a stigma infidelity carries with it in our society. I wanted to be judged for my time with her in the present and not a mistake I made in the past.

 

OnyxSnowFall, I don't think I was cowering from my past as much as I was trying to understand it. I didn't have a lot of time in between the two relationships and as a result did not process everything that had happened. I was still trying to analyze and figure things out in my head regarding the years with the married woman when the relationship with my X started. I was confused about my role in that relationship and how I should move forward.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Training Revelations - not every woman will turn you away, and the ones that may, could they truly, otherwise, be right for you? If you think so, then perhaps it's best for you to leave your past in the past. But if it's important to you that someone know it ---- if you feel that your past is crucial to being known and that you can't really feel accepted if it isn't known, then it may be a struggle for you to find peace without sharing it.

 

Risking rejection, facing rejection, can actually inspire confidence. It may seem counter-intuitive... but really, it can be very rewarding. You can learn to cope with it while finding out that it's really not as bad as you'd foreordained and that... rejection isn't even inevitable.

 

I really don't think your "mistake" was in telling her though --- but in waiting to. That she would try for so long suggests that she did care much for you.

I don't buy into the idea that she was sadistic --- if things were fine prior to it, something set off inside of her. Her behavior was her own responsibility though, and she made mistakes it seems. But she probably did care about you.

 

In my own experience, not listening to my heart has been the wrong thing.

[jj33]

Training I dont think you made a mistake. Noone is perfect and everyone has done things that in retrospect they would not repeat or sees something in their past that they regret. People say have no regrets but everyone regrets something. Or if they dont regret it, they at least learn from it. You learned from your experience that its not consistent with your values and not something you would ever do again. Someone wise once told me that being ashamed of things we have done wrong isnt always a bad thing, it reminds us not to do it again.

 

I dont even think you waited too long. There are some things that you dont tell up front. Different "secrets" are disclosed at different points in a relationship. You waited until you felt that it was safe enough to tell her. It was a test of sorts. If I tell you this about myself, something that I am not proud of, will you love me anyway. These subconscious tests exist throughout relationships.

 

As others have said, she simply wasnt the right woman for you. If a woman told you she had an abortion would that change your view of her? If it did, then you wouldnt be the right woman for her.

 

An affair is an emotionally charged fact for many people. But the reaction you got wasn ot about the affair, it was about her accepting that you are a person not a mythical prince. As much as its been painful you had a lucky escape with this woman. She doesnt sound mature enough to share her life with a real man a man who is a good man but has flaws like any other human being.

 

Dont beat yourself up about this. It happened you learned from it you are moving on.

 

And as for telling in the future you only have to tell someone if its important to you or important to her understanding who you are.

 

Quite honestly if I met someone again Im not sure I would tell them that I had an affair with a married man. It doesnt define me. Its a part of my past.

[MissBee]

(I haven't read all of the responses... so apologies beforehand if I'm about to rehash something... I don't exactly have the time to sift through everything right now, but I do feel inclined to respond to the original post).

 

Different people desire different things. I can sum up the answer to your questions in one sentence: be the kind of person you want to be with.

 

I'm not talking semantics there --- obviously contrast is important, and where one partner may be weak the other may be strong (and each can help each other grow, being with a clone isn't even ideal), etc etc.

 

I'm referring to values.

 

Is it important to you to know your partner's history? is it important to *you* that your partner know yours?

It is generally not good to become involved with someone whose values are in opposition to yours. Sometimes there is no right and no wrong. Sometimes there are just preferences and a differing set of "needs". Sometimes there are things that canNOT, or should not be changed about a person.

 

Perhaps to your recent ex, it was important to her for you to have been open about your past initially -- perhaps seeing that you had ample opportunity to share it, and yet did not, is what most disturbed her. It is possible that she may not have become attached to you if you had been, but it would have been better for both of you to find that out earlier on anyway. It is also possible she may have been truly forgiving of it if you had been initially open.

 

I'm not going to say that anyone was specifically immature. Everyone can be immature, and factor in strong emotions and well... need I say more?

 

It's understandable that you are hurt. But some things are self-fulfilling prophecies...

 

you are not required to share your past with anyone. But if you want to have an intimate relationship, I would suggest finding someone who doesn't mind not knowing or that you just risk the chance that someone may be put off by it.

 

I personally tend to think that true intimacy is experienced through honesty, sharing and acceptance. Ask yourself what you want.

 

Beautifully said!

 

Those are my exact sentiments and how I approach relationships, so cosign x 100!