He dumps me and this is all I get .. ??

[babyygirllhi]

After 11 months he breaks up with me only saying that he is still in love but needs to be alone. We had travelled all over together, fallen VERY fast and moved into a very serious relationship straight away, and we were just crazy about eachother. He is 22, im 24. The first sign that it would end bad is after 1 week he told me "i never wanted a girlfriend, i wanted to be 30 by the time i made myself into who i want to be and i wanted to be alone". Plus that he had no idea how to treat a girlfriend, he always wanted to be alone and independent. however when he met me, he couldnt stay away from me. he moved to me and even after the relationship began i tried breaking up with him bc i saw it ending badly, he wasnt ready. but i was so in love, and he couldnt break up, so he came straight to me. he couldnt stay away. even though he wanted to be alone. he is selfish i guess, however he himself is a giving guy and very kind guy. Just very into making himself into who he wants to be and just never cared about girls .. (which is why he never wanted a girlfriend).

 

But after travelling he said he needs to figure out if he can give me 100% or if he isnt ready... he ended up breaking up even tho he still showed that he was still in love , and said that he was still in love, that im the perfect girl in every way, he misses my smile, thoughts on life, laugh, smell, etc. and i got it out of him that he could see us together again but not now, he wants to be alone for years. He has never really been "attracted" in like this "i want you now" kind of way to anyone except me (sounds like a load of bull crap but its true...) he even told me once "i see myself wanting to have sex only 1 time a week" and we had some arguments about me wanting mroe sex . (However towards the last month of us breaking up, he wanted me ALL the time ...) and he would say things while we were breaking up like "its YOU.. and my body wants you like crazyyy".

 

After we finally ended things, he ran of with his friend to live in an aparmtne for 1 month and they are trying to find a buisness idea now.

 

Last time i talked to him, he cried. he said this is the hardest thing he has ever done and been through. however he doesnt "miss me insanely" or anyting, and it feels good to be alone. To be honest, I could feel throughout 3/4 of the relationship that he wasnt happy, something wasnt right, and that he didnt treat me good. He is a good guy, horrible boyfriend. and he wasnt happy with where he was in life.

 

But what the hell??? I was INSANELY in love... and now he wants to see me before I move (we were planning to move to Flroida together..) but im going alone now. He still cries and says if its meant to be it will be. And he wnts to see me to say bye and when i asked him what he expects out of seeing me...he said that when he sees me he will pick me up, hold me and cry. but he needs to be alone, for years he says. at first i told him no, and he said "well think about it before u decide". then i told him no again and his reaction was this pleading "but my parents got to say bye to you!" its like he doesnt understand ... i told him that i want to , but i have to take care of myself and it might make it harder on me. he respected that.

 

Is this just bull crap? I keep thinking we will end up together, we had a blast together and we truly became best friends, and he says im his best friend and he has never gotten closer to anyone than he has me, but if he hasnt been happy throughout all of it (for whatever reason, not being alone or where he wants to be in life..) then doesnt this mean that i just wasnt good for him? or can he seriously be that unhappy with himself that he cant have me even tho he finds me perfect?

 

we have been broken up for 1.5 months, I found out that he has kissed another girl, and from what i know he isnt the type to just kiss random girls. plus he keeps adding a lot of girls on facebook. Is this just so he can get over me? he asked if i had done anything with anyone and sounded scared. but i told him no, i havent. to be honest, i can see him doing things with girls just to get over me.

 

Im thinking of seeing him, being non emotional, confident, and happy just to show him what he is leaving. (because 1 week after iw ill be moving anyway...). i think this will be best for me, like to feel like i showed him heeey, this is what you are missing, now that it will be 1 month after not seeing eachother plus that i wont be crying and pleading for him to stay. i will be the opposite, confident and show him i can live without him and im doing good!

 

Any ideas on whats up wtih this?? He is very independent and very into making himself into a person he invisions. also, he is very strong with himself, so i could see him actually having such this STRONG need to make himself into this guy he invisions that he wont let ANYTHING get in the way of that. even love. he is definitly not into himself lookswise and cares NOTHING bout looks. he isnt full of himself, so dont mistake selfish and into himself with full of himself. he must have some sort of problem? to have to build himself into who he visions or he cant be happy with just letting himself not be "perfect" ?

 

Like i said, im insanely in love with him, but that he can be so unhappy with himself to leave me and do things with other girls to get over me, seems like i should say "f*ck him" and move on. but honestly, we are amazing together. have a blast, talk and talk about everything and agree, etc. any advice?? am i just not good enough for him ?

 

also, he has never been in love. and the one time he told me he was , i found out that he wasnt even attracted to her, only saw her 1 a month and didnt long for her ... so what the hell? haha but he told me that he has never felt anything like the way he does for me. plus that he couldnt handle not touching me etc. and has never felt that before.

 

more i talk about this, more i realize he has a huge problem. he is trying to make himself into a robot instead of letting emotions take over. he says "i want sex only 1 a week" but then couldnt keep his hands off me." he spent 1 month breaking up with me, but when i woudl see him i felt how in love he was. he is forcing me away... he doesnt follow what his heart says, he follows his "plan" in making himself into this person. will this ever change? will he really get to that place in life where he feels "ok, now im who i want to be" or will he never be happy. and like i said, dont get me wrong, he is a very kind, fun, adventurous, caring guy with an emotional, sweet side. we have even had a lot of unprotcted sex that neither of us can explain why, and he sees me being the mother to his kids, etc.

 

He is just super wierd, isnt he? More i write, more i realize...

Edited August 7, 2011 by babyygirllhi

[Try]

Any ideas on whats up wtih this??

Yes, he did not want to move away from his current life and friends to be in Florida with you. That was big commitment that was way too early for him to make. Things may have been different if not for this move.

[babyygirllhi]

Yes, he did not want to move away from his current life and friends to be in Florida with you. That was big commitment that was way too early for him to make. Things may have been different if not for this move.

 

But then shouldnt he have told me this? That he isnt ready to move, and like heyy, lets figure out a different way??

 

Besides, he wants to be ALONE ... thats the reason he gives me. He says for years ... i asked "maybe a few months, we can take a break ?" he said no, he needs/wants years

[Twos Company]

It sounds like he has outgrown your relationship and wasn't as ready for a bigger committment as you and he thought. The move has prompted him to take this action now rather than make a move that would be disruptive and would be hard to undo.

Right now he's not 'missing you insanely', that stings, but he's in a different place emotionally, being the one who iniated the breakup. I know. my ex gave me the 'I'm not ready', 'I need to be alone right now', after a year of being together and planning to move in together. It was all bull, anything he said was just to get himself out of the relationship with the least amount of discomfort to himself. Promises were undone, history rewritten and any questions from me were met with a shrug of the shoulders. In the end he cut me off dead.

 

I hope there is a happier ending for you. Maybe he will taste his freedom and realise what he's missing.

 

Do your best to let him go, despite how painful it is for you. Nothing you say to him right now will change his mind, let him have all the space he needs....else you will end up feeling more hurt in the long run.

[babyygirllhi]

Im actually feeling WAY better about it. My eyes have opened and I see how selfish this guy is, and it makes me sick that i was with him and let myself turn into a girl begging for his attention, trying to teach him the way of life and how to treat people ... I mean this guy has a LOT to learn. He doesnt want to work, bc he thnks he should be able to do whatever he wants.His motivation behind everything is all for himself (he wants to be alone because he wants to do whatever he wants without having to worry about anyone else)..he even told me this. deep down he is truly this like, amazing, sweet, caring, emotional guy ... but this other part of him wont allow this, it forces him to be something else and its so obvious he isnt happy unless he can push himself to get there. But since he is trying so hard to get there, he is selfish.

 

ANYWAY .. I truly believe this guy loves me and misses me (except he was too unhappy with himself so he had to push me away). And thats why he says things like "if I see you I will pick you up, hold you tight and and cry" ... because he loves me. however he isnt happy being with anyone because he needs to do exactly what HE wants (Trust me, this showed through in the relationship!!). So how can you love someone when you arent happy with urself, right? Throughout the WHOLE 1 year I have known him, up to us breaking up, i was needy and begging for his attention. I would spoil him rotten even though i didnt get anything back. So what should I do ???

 

He wants to see me before i move to florida (a whole other country). Even though he has been wtih another (other.??) girl (s) ... see, he is soo selfish he doesnt even realize that he is an ass for doing that (which is obviously to get over me) yet to still want to cry in my arms ... So I can

 

A) see him (but only so that i can SHOW him FINALLY like hey, you dont have me and i'm not spoiling you. I have ALLLWAYS been so sweet and loving, even during the break up!! and i think it could feel amazing to let him get off the train, pick me up and hold me while i dont do anything back. i wont be mean, but i will only hug him slightly like a friend. Then, with complete confidence and happy, take us to a cafe to sit , talk a bit, and say goodybe while i am looking good (yet casual), feeling good, confident, happy, and about my future plans . Then dont give in to ANYYY type of his crap, if he talks about missing me etc. then just listen and say "aw". kind of thing. Because seriously, the WHOLE relatinoship i have just worshiped him and spoiled him, so i think it could be amazing to show him "heeey, im doing good without you and im not trying to kiss or hold or love you!"

 

Dont get me wrong, i will have to take a galss of wine before i go, put on the game face, and do it. and once he leaves, i will probably go home and cry all night. BUT i also believe i could wake up the next day feeling great that i left him with confidence and happiness so he feels what it is to not have me anymore. and to SEE that im doing great without him.

 

B) i tell him i dont want to see him. which says a lot. and he wont get what he wants. BUT i also believe that if he sees me, he still wont get what he wants because i wont be this "lovey, begging girl" anymore. i will be the NEW me and i think he will be shocked. i mean even up to the last day we broke up and left eachother, i was holding him and kissing, telling him he is amazing and letting him make a cute face while i smiled... for ONCE i can not do any of this and just walk with confidence beyond his immagination. him not seeing me follow him like a freaking kid would feel amazing and i guess i would just have hope that he would see me being good without him and then start freaking out when he leaves and calling etc. because i guess inside me, i want to hear him cry and beg adn feel bad becasue i have done that for so long. but maybe i wont get that afterwards, so maybe i will feel worse? (i would NOT take him back! it would just feel good to hear it)

 

Then again, even if he says its the hardest thing he has ever done, he did it. he broke up with me. he doesnt want to be with me. so doesnt that itself show that i wasnt good for him?

 

In other words... will he feel worse if he has to sit on the train home, past the city im in without getting to get off and see me? or will he feel worse getting of the train, expecting to see me run into his arms and cry yet instead, see this new girl and then say goodbye to this new girl ? (of course for this plan to work, i cant break..i cant cry or show emotion once, and i can do that). which would make him feel worse? like i said, ever since he has known me up to the last time we talked, i have been sad, missing him, babying him, giving him what he wants... so now i woudlnt at all

Edited August 8, 2011 by babyygirllhi

[Twos Company]

 

 

A) see him (but only so that i can SHOW him FINALLY like hey, you dont have me and i'm not spoiling you. I have ALLLWAYS been so sweet and loving, even during the break up!! and i think it could feel amazing to let him get off the train, pick me up and hold me while i dont do anything back. i wont be mean, but i will only hug him slightly like a friend. Then, with complete confidence and happy, take us to a cafe to sit , talk a bit, and say goodybe while i am looking good (yet casual), feeling good, confident, happy, and about my future plans . Then dont give in to ANYYY type of his crap, if he talks about missing me etc. then just listen and say "aw". kind of thing. Because seriously, the WHOLE relatinoship i have just worshiped him and spoiled him, so i think it could be amazing to show him "heeey, im doing good without you and im not trying to kiss or hold or love you!"

 

 

 

 

If you think you can hold it together, then this seems the best option. It gives you the oppotunity to close the door but on your terms.

You treated him really well by the sounds of it, yet he still wants out...seems to me you sacrificed all your own needs for this guy, spoiled him even, and to a certain extent you're still pandering to him...I'm glad you are beginning to see how selfish he's been and is still being, all his needs were being met, he tells you how the relationship is going to be, sets all the rules and you fall in line...this guy hasn't got the maturity for a real two way compromising relationship with anyone.

 

He may love and miss you...but he's still choosing not to be with you....actions do not match the words, do you see how that looks to everyone else? Let him go, be the bigger person and get the hell angry with him if that's how you feel, stop trying to be so nice to him, you were nice all along and he still acts like a selfish git....think of yourself for a change.

[babyygirllhi]

If you think you can hold it together, then this seems the best option. It gives you the oppotunity to close the door but on your terms.

You treated him really well by the sounds of it, yet he still wants out...seems to me you sacrificed all your own needs for this guy, spoiled him even, and to a certain extent you're still pandering to him...I'm glad you are beginning to see how selfish he's been and is still being, all his needs were being met, he tells you how the relationship is going to be, sets all the rules and you fall in line...this guy hasn't got the maturity for a real two way compromising relationship with anyone.

 

He may love and miss you...but he's still choosing not to be with you....actions do not match the words, do you see how that looks to everyone else? Let him go, be the bigger person and get the hell angry with him if that's how you feel, stop trying to be so nice to him, you were nice all along and he still acts like a selfish git....think of yourself for a change.

 

 

The main point is I am ashamed that I let myself go, in order to try and make it work with him. I mean, I tried and tried, I showed SOO much love, I didnt take care of myself. And I feel like I lost my dignity. So what is the best way to get it back and show him I have it? To not let him see me, or to let him see but show no emotion and be confident and happy? While making it a very short visit and leaving walking away with a smile on my face strutting my stuff...

 

I seriously feel like I am so insecure because the whole relationhsip i tried to change myself into making him more into me. He doesnt know this. Its just he never gave me attention. I knew and felt he was in love with me, but he did not know how to show it. Like, he is horrible at showing love. And i want that confidence back. Do you truly think seeing him and not being into him would help me get some dignity back? To SHOW im ... Or will i have more dignity just saying no ? Im a bit of a strong like, "dont mess with me" kind of girl, except for with him... and thats because i've become obssesed with him, i guess . like, i met him and he was PERFECT. looks and his thoughts on life, i mean we have a blast together, he has taught me things and we became best friends. he is perfect except for how he shows love. so then first of all, i didnt get attention (since he is bad at showing love) which made me beg for it in return. i mean, i had to teach this guy how to make love. he was not experienced, he never made love, only like, had sex, u know... and second, lost confidence, even tho he does tell me i'm perfect etc. but still. (lke last time we talked, he said "we willnever be together" then later i said "are u just not attracted to me?" and he started crying and said omg you know thats so not true, i have never been more attracted to anyone by far. he also said that he can't lie and he thinks if it's meant to be it will be. I think he knows he isnt good enough for me or something, actually. i dunno. im outoing and have lots of friends, he ismroe to himself and has a few close friends. plus he has always made little comments like if i said "you look gorgoues" he would reply with "you are more gorgeous". and i have it easier hanging out with people and talking, while he needs to be around certain people to enjoy.

 

I just want to get myself THE HELL OUT of feeling like im the lower guy. i want HIM to be the lower guy for ONCE. for me to feel like "hey, im too good for him, EVEN tho he doesnt want me" ... so this is a huge decision for me to make? See him or not? (Liek i said, im strong and confident so i know i can show it, i wont break!) but in his eyes, what would show him that i have dignity and the upper hand?

Edited August 8, 2011 by babyygirllhi

[bluenightowl]

The main point is I am ashamed that I let myself go, in order to try and make it work with him. I mean, I tried and tried, I showed SOO much love, I didnt take care of myself. And I feel like I lost my dignity. So what is the best way to get it back and show him I have it? To not let him see me, or to let him see but show no emotion and be confident and happy? While making it a very short visit and leaving walking away with a smile on my face strutting my stuff...

 

I seriously feel like I am so insecure because the whole relationhsip i tried to change myself into making him more into me. He doesnt know this. Its just he never gave me attention. I knew and felt he was in love with me, but he did not know how to show it. Like, he is horrible at showing love. And i want that confidence back. Do you truly think seeing him and not being into him would help me get some dignity back? To SHOW im ... Or will i have more dignity just saying no ? Im a bit of a strong like, "dont mess with me" kind of girl, except for with him... and thats because i've become obssesed with him, i guess . like, i met him and he was PERFECT. looks and his thoughts on life, i mean we have a blast together, he has taught me things and we became best friends. he is perfect except for how he shows love. so then first of all, i didnt get attention (since he is bad at showing love) which made me beg for it in return. i mean, i had to teach this guy how to make love. he was not experienced, he never made love, only like, had sex, u know... and second, lost confidence, even tho he does tell me i'm perfect etc. but still. (lke last time we talked, he said "we willnever be together" then later i said "are u just not attracted to me?" and he started crying and said omg you know thats so not true, i have never been more attracted to anyone by far. he also said that he can't lie and he thinks if it's meant to be it will be. I think he knows he isnt good enough for me or something, actually. i dunno. im outoing and have lots of friends, he ismroe to himself and has a few close friends. plus he has always made little comments like if i said "you look gorgoues" he would reply with "you are more gorgeous". and i have it easier hanging out with people and talking, while he needs to be around certain people to enjoy.

 

I just want to get myself THE HELL OUT of feeling like im the lower guy. i want HIM to be the lower guy for ONCE. for me to feel like "hey, im too good for him, EVEN tho he doesnt want me" ... so this is a huge decision for me to make? See him or not? (Liek i said, im strong and confident so i know i can show it, i wont break!) but in his eyes, what would show him that i have dignity and the upper hand?

 

I doubt you are ready to show him you don't care. In my mind just letting go is the strongest thing you can do. To me trying to show him you don't care just will show him you care. The silent treatment might be more effective if you can handle that.