How can you spot a gender hater?

[Woggle]

I was going to title this post how can you spot a misandrist but I figured I would be fair. What are signs of a misandrist or a misogynist?

[Cee]

Criminal record for rape or domestic violence. Either gender.

[Woggle]

Good one but I am thinking of more subtle things. Most people don't wear a hat saying they hate the opposite sex.

[Emilia]

I dated a man once who went on about how his first love used him... They were both 10 years old at the time. He told me this story 16 years later. You think he would have moved on by then. He was very passive-aggressive with me trying to make me feel bad about myself. Then told me about his mum who was very manipulative and I realised what was going on. He hated any form of emotional response from women because he saw them as a form of manipulation (because of his mum's emotional blackmails). I thought he was closet gay but I think he just disliked women at the end of the day

[dasein]

Rather than a misogyny/misandry axis, a hyperbolic, hyperemotional political construct used to create divisiveness and victim status, I prefer to think of it as "how to spot a sexist." There are very few gender haters in the world of either gender, but many sexists. IMO it's more productive to know how to spot a sexist.

 

1. Refusing to admit that most gender issues are a product of the behavior of both genders. Being unable to admit that one's own gender is partially responsible and accountable for most all gender issues, constantly blameshift all responsibility for any issue to the other gender. Dismiss the other gender's POV out of hand as unimportant or "not a big deal."

 

2. Abusing and misusing charged terms such as "hate" and "oppression" to describe the other side simply because they have a different POV. The mistaken belief that spotting a generalization, in and of itself, is an argument, or makes some point. A generalization is always a better argument in a vacuum than merely pointing out a generalization, which isn't even an argument or making a point. Generalizations are the source of 99% of the knowledge we have of the world and universe. Can they be unfair? Absolutely, but a generalization itself, learning from repetition and observation, is the way we learn most everything about the world.

 

3. Avoiding discussion of issues head-on and instead, directing personal insults at the other POV, having a blanket response policy of nitpicking, of disagreeing with even simple, uncontroversial facts to bog down any focus on the issue at hand.

 

4. Taking the hypocritical position of equal treatment for all, yet simultaneously believing that one's own gender is due advantageous treatment, either legal, social or raw $$, based on something that supposedly happened before one was even born or as a result of perpetuating double standards.

 

5. Perpetuating lies, propaganda and inaccurate statements, with respect to history or the present, in an effort to achieve unfair advantages for one's own gender. Expecting that one's own POV be accepted without question or challenge. Attributing any questioning of one's own POV to character flaws in the person who dares to question it.

[Cee]

I don't want to rehash bad memories, but suffice it to say a hater will reveal themselves in heinous acts. I wish these people were few and far between, but cheating, stealing and violating has happened to a lot of us.

[Feelin Frisky]

Being excessively competetive.

[quankanne]

verbal put-downs, whether they're subtle or in-you-face ...

[Taramere]

I think you'd have to look at a pattern of behaviour over a long time, which showed a consistent commitment towards gender hatred.

 

I've got male friends who can come out with misogynistic stuff now and again, but it doesn't mean they're not my friends. Likewise if I come out with something they regard as "feminist crap" it doesn't mean I'm not their friend. As long as you have a generally good connection with somebody, these differences of opinion are easily manageable.

 

The people to watch out for, in my view, are the ones who can't tolerate these minor disagreements and squabbles...or who want to blow them up into far more than they need to be, because they've got an underlying problem with you that they're not willing to admit to, but for whatever reason they want to connect with you. In the process of trying, they want to press you to waste your time trying to help them understand why they don't like you (and ultimately, admitting that it's all your fault and not at all theirs).

 

I am thinking of more subtle things. Most people don't wear a hat saying they hate the opposite sex.

 

That's when you start edging towards the pastime of tinfoil hat wearing. If you get a gut instinct that somebody has a gripe with you, that's all you need. You don't really need to start figuring out what their problem is - ie, whether it might be related to your gender, race, nationality or whatever else marks you as different from them. All you need to know is that you and they don't get along, and that's not always something you need to knock yourself out trying to overcome.

 

It's what gut instincts are for. You don't have to get along famously with everybody. You don't have to force everybody who you've got some friction with to confess to all manner of mean-minded prejudices against you. Sometimes it really is just a personality clash between two people, rather than anything based on gender differences or any other kind of differences.

[Anela]

I think you'd have to look at a pattern of behaviour over a long time, which showed a consistent commitment towards gender hatred.

 

I've got male friends who can come out with misogynistic stuff now and again, but it doesn't mean they're not my friends. Likewise if I come out with something they regard as "feminist crap" it doesn't mean I'm not their friend. As long as you have a generally good connection with somebody, these differences of opinion are easily manageable.

 

The people to watch out for, in my view, are the ones who can't tolerate these minor disagreements and squabbles...or who want to blow them up into far more than they need to be, because they've got an underlying problem with you that they're not willing to admit to, but for whatever reason they want to connect with you. In the process of trying, they want to press you to waste your time trying to help them understand why they don't like you (and ultimately, admitting that it's all your fault and not at all theirs).

 

 

 

That's when you start edging towards the pastime of tinfoil hat wearing. If you get a gut instinct that somebody has a gripe with you, that's all you need. You don't really need to start figuring out what their problem is - ie, whether it might be related to your gender, race, nationality or whatever else marks you as different from them. All you need to know is that you and they don't get along, and that's not always something you need to knock yourself out trying to overcome.

 

It's what gut instincts are for. You don't have to get along famously with everybody. You don't have to force everybody who you've got some friction with to confess to all manner of mean-minded prejudices against you. Sometimes it really is just a personality clash between two people, rather than anything based on gender differences or any other kind of differences.

 

thumbs-up.

 

I agree with the violence, rape, etc. I was almost killed, by one guy who was disagreeable in general. My mother was raped by an insecure boyfriend, who was also an alcoholic- although he didn't seem to hate women generally. I was surprised that he had done that; my mother was incapacitated, recovering from surgery, and wanting to sleep, and my Dad was visiting for the holidays (newly single). Boyfriend knew that he had been screwing up, and his additional screw-ups led to him losing her after all.

 

I don't hate men, and I think frustration/insecurities on each side can lead to defensiveness on both sides. I can take responsibility for myself, and call someone else on nasty behaviour. That doesn't mean that I stand up for every woman who is exhibiting the behaviour that men in general are complaining about, either, just as I don't think men should stand up for the douchiness from certain types of men.

 

I've also grown up wary, because of the sociopath and the man above... but I didn't think that *all* men were like that. I was afraid that, since there was a pattern there, I would continue it by attracting that type of man.

 

I still think it's both funny and sad that you called me a misandrist, for only standing up in favour of decent behaviour, and talking about what disturbs me.

Edited August 7, 2011 by Anela

[Anela]

I am thinking of more subtle things. Most people don't wear a hat saying they hate the opposite sex.

 

And this is almost word for word, what I told a man who was upset by women avoiding him, when they encountered him on the street as they walked at night. I told him that abusers don't come with badges, and that they don't know what sort of man he is. He also has issues with women; I think someone who was more relaxed with the opposite sex, would have understood the point I made to him.

[Disillusioned]

It's not always that easy to sniff them out, as far as male ones go; but one thing I notice a lot of them have in common is they have no ambition to improve their quality of life and they tend to be risk-averse, because they'd rather sit and complain about being mistreated by women. In fact, it almost borders on woman-baiting.

 

The few who are more ambitious are a lot tougher to spot though, because they don't care what women think of them and they treat it as nobody's business anyway. (Ladies, remember that if you fall for some good-looking rich guy.)

 

Another trait is a lack of info about them on the web. There are a few who can be found by looking up their comments that they post on various boards and blogs, but by and large they tend to be lurkers who are reluctant to leave any traces of evidence for the rest of us to find.

 

Hope this helps.

[Woggle]

What is a good way to spot a misandrist? To me they are the ones who always justify anything a woman does with a goose for gander speech and show no empathy towards men who are going through things.

[quankanne]

To me they are the ones who always justify anything a woman does with a goose for gander speech and show no empathy towards men who are going through things. hmm ... sounds like an out-and-out beeyotch to me, Woggle, not necessarily a misandrist.

 

mostly it's an attitude that men are lesser simply because she is better, and nothing but nothing a man does will ever have merit. You've seen how women-haters operate ... just imagine the same thing in a chick, toward women.

[Woggle]

To me they are the ones who always justify anything a woman does with a goose for gander speech and show no empathy towards men who are going through things. hmm ... sounds like an out-and-out beeyotch to me, Woggle, not necessarily a misandrist.

 

mostly it's an attitude that men are lesser simply because she is better, and nothing but nothing a man does will ever have merit. You've seen how women-haters operate ... just imagine the same thing in a chick, toward women.

 

It is a very misandrist attitude though. They think it is perfectly okay to treat innocent men like garbage because their father cheated on their mother or something that the man being played had nothing whatsoever to do with.

[threebyfate]

Spitting at the opposite gender is a fairly good indication.

[Woggle]

Spitting at the opposite gender is a fairly good indication.

 

This is true but I am talking about more subtle signs. What are things that are not so obvious?

[ThsAmericanLife]

Someone who insists that all behaviors, career choices, household chores/abilities, relationship styles, etc are 'naturally' gender based.

 

To me that shows the person has no interest in understanding the variety and complexity of each individual and is more likely to use gender as an excuse or a cop-out whenever differences arise.

[Disillusioned]

To me they are the ones who always justify anything a woman does with a goose for gander speech and show no empathy towards men who are going through things. hmm ... sounds like an out-and-out beeyotch to me, Woggle, not necessarily a misandrist.

 

mostly it's an attitude that men are lesser simply because she is better, and nothing but nothing a man does will ever have merit. You've seen how women-haters operate ... just imagine the same thing in a chick, toward women.

 

Yes and no.

 

Misandrists have that same sly look that a lot of male PUAs have, and they think of men as being big, slow, and stupid like Barney Bear. To a misandrist, playing a man for a fool is a gallant act. A few are closet lesbians, but most are just straights who hate men.

[SlevinKalebra]

Woggle you seem to have good instincts based on a lot of your posts. I think the biggest thing is trusting those instincts and not dismissing them. Some red flags I have seen, and only recognized too late, are:

Sense of entitlement and frustration that it's not reality

Finding flaws in you or other men in the most inane places or Judgemental of others

telling stories of how men have let her down. I have found this is a way that women test the waters, if you play into it or don't speak up she will expect you to never "let her down" like that

Drawing strict male/female duties or responsibilites Especially early on.

Acts controlling- I think mysandry and mysoginy have a very deep root in control

[Woggle]

Woggle you seem to have good instincts based on a lot of your posts. I think the biggest thing is trusting those instincts and not dismissing them. Some red flags I have seen, and only recognized too late, are:

Sense of entitlement and frustration that it's not reality

Finding flaws in you or other men in the most inane places or Judgemental of others

telling stories of how men have let her down. I have found this is a way that women test the waters, if you play into it or don't speak up she will expect you to never "let her down" like that

Drawing strict male/female duties or responsibilites Especially early on.

Acts controlling- I think mysandry and mysoginy have a very deep root in control

 

I do have good instincts and I am learning not to feel guilty about it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What is a good way to spot a misandrist? To me they are the ones who always justify anything a woman does with a goose for gander speech and show no empathy towards men who are going through things.

 

In my personal experience, anyone who calls you a sexist with any kind of conviction.

 

Also, women who have strong feelings against porn tend to hate men.

 

However, the easiest way to spot someone who has issues with the opposite sex is to ask them about their relationship with the opposite sex parent. Women who have terrible relationships with their father very often hate men. The same is true of men... those who struggle with their mother tend to struggle with women in general.

[Woggle]

I agree about the porn thing. I notice that women who tend justify women treating men in all kinds of ways tend to lose their minds of a man even looks at porn.

[misssmartypants]

In my personal experience, anyone who calls you a sexist with any kind of conviction.

 

Also, women who have strong feelings against porn tend to hate men.

 

However, the easiest way to spot someone who has issues with the opposite sex is to ask them about their relationship with the opposite sex parent. Women who have terrible relationships with their father very often hate men. The same is true of men... those who struggle with their mother tend to struggle with women in general.

 

No, some people are just sexist - I had a bass who made fun of me for months because I used a ruler to fish a thumb drive out from under a copy machine. He thought I should have gone and found a man to move the copy machine rather than sold my own problem. I've met women who refuse to date men who don't know how to fix cars or build things. Both are sexist attitudes.

 

I think the porn thing is more nuanced than men versus women. Religious people feel its morally wrong. Porn also has a reputation for exploiting its actors. I don't know how true that is for the main companies, but how can you always know that the people in a "amature" porn clip are there willingly or are of age?

 

As to relationships with parents, some people had bad parents. My dad was an alcoholic who moved in and out of our home several times when I was a kid. He doesn't drink now and we have a friendship, but there were years I hated him.

 

I think you can spot gender haters by talking to them. Women who seem like they are always mad at men and making comments about how their ex was bad or baiting me into talking bad about men in my life are probably man haters. I have a good friend like this, it got to the place that I don't spend as much time with her anymore because I don't like that negativity in my life.

 

On LS, you can spot the woman haters because they are the ones claiming all women have bad attitudes or are lazy or are too picky. These men who feel like all women enjoy denying them sex and affection, hate women.

[Woggle]

Another things is that misandrists tend to be women who call men who speak their mind honestly about gender issues misogynists and accuse them of being afraid of strong women. Either that or they call it whining.