cutily Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I was wondering, when we talk about cheating people always think about having sex with someone else; But isn't it far worst when your partner is involved emotionnally with another person to the point of wanting to talk to the other person when s/he is with you. I've never been emotionnally cheated on but please give your opinions and share your experience. Thank you.
Kelemort Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I'm not even sure if my boyfriend's experience was an emotional affair. But I knew he was still a little tied up on this girl several months before we started dating, and more than a year after his one-year long-distance relationship with her went bust. But it didn't seem that severe and he told me he was done talking to her several months before we started dating. Then we started dating and it SLOWLY began unraveling. He was actually still talking to her, still had her phone number (don't know if he ever talked to her), as he admitted to me on our one year anniversary. He still kept pictures of her EVERYWHERE (folders on his computer, camera, etc.), even showed me them when he claimed he was going to show me 'vacation pictures.' He talked about this girl non-stop. He told me I would've liked her, compared me to her, etc. Even announced out of the blue one day that he was going to buy her a gift and mail it to her. I can live with the fact that once upon a time, when they were actually seeing each other in person, he loved and had sex with her. But it is horribly painful when you're here in the present and he can't do anything for a year but look back at the fictional romance he had with her. I'm sorry, but a long-distance relationship is not like a close-distance one. It is to some extent a fantasy, a high of absences and reunions, and I think men often mistake that for being real love. He was infatuated with this woman at best, and unfortunately I had to put up with it. It is the worst feeling in the world and it still affects me. How can it not affect you? I still find myself sitting here thinking, "It's because she's better than me, and that's why he couldn't stop dealing with her," or "I must not be pretty enough/smart enough/ interesting enough to draw his attention away from his ex." Needless to say, there were many blow-out fights and I was literally walking out the door once or twice. He finally backed up the pictures; he stopped talking to her completely and got rid of her number and he stopped talking about her. But even when things come up that remind me of her (since of course I know everything about her, since he couldn't dare shut up in expressing his love for her), I find myself getting cold, distant and eager to change the topic. I admit sometimes I'm a full-on demon about it. I'll blatantly say, "I have no interest in talking about that," or "OK, moving on." I make it clear to him that I don't want to get into conversations that are going to bring up very painful reminders of his stupidity. It brought a great deal of distance into our relationship and I started a close friendship with an online friend of mine. We were very alike. I have called it an 'emotional affair' in the past but after reading the usual 'qualifiers' for it I can say it probably wasn't. We'd talk to each other about our relationships - the good sides, the bad sides, what we wished would happen. While I may have thought he was handsome from pictures, and he thought I was pretty from pictures, we didn't know each other and I just couldn't very deeply invest myself into a relationship with him emotionally. My partner was completely...unperturbed by it. But I can say the effects of what he did to me are long-reaching. It went on for SO long...only in January did the last thing related to his ex happen. And I admit I am still afraid there's going to be a day when he pops in and announces she's in the state and he's going out for a 'friendly lunch' with her. Regarding her, there's a piece of my trust he'll never be able to get back. I will always have one eye open. If it's just sex...you can just chalk it up for a need for variety or just the physical pleasure of it. I'd imagine men could sleep with just about anyone. But you can't just love anyone, so sharing a partner like that is painful.
Author cutily Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 Thanks for your complete answer! But I was talking about emotional affairs with for example a co-worker, someone you see everyday, a "friend" or something.
Afishwithabike Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 All cheating hurts. Period. I haven't experienced cheating, but I've seen it from the vantage point of a friend seeing two of her good friends experience infidelity. From that perspective, I would say that for men a physical affair is probably more devastating than an emotional affair. I think it's the reverse for women. Women value emotional loyalty a great deal. There are always exceptions to this because we're all individuals. In an emotional affair, you share a part of yourself with the other woman/man. You share intimate thoughts, feelings, give each support. You may likely fall in love with the other person and vice versa. You may tell each other you love each other. You basically share your heart with the outsider. Falling in love with another person can hurt as much, if not more, than a purely sexual affair. An EA is stealing from the primary relationship. The cheating partner loves, desires, shares with another person other than the person to whom he/she has a commitment. The worst to me would be a physical affair that started off as an emotional affair because then it's a full blown love affair, not just a random drunken one night stand that's just about meeting sexual needs.
Recommended Posts