Alex-UK Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Hi to everyone on the forum. Apologies for the length of this, but I need some advice from someone with a female mind pronto and this seemed like the place to turn! Anyway here goes... About a year ago I met this girl on a trip abroad. I’m from the UK and she’s from Denmark and we’re both the same age (27). We were staying in the same hostel room for about three days (she was there with a couple she was friends with) and although we went out for a couple of drinks together, it wasn’t exactly anything more than friendly conversation, though there was a bit of flirting going on. Anyway when she left she asked for my e-mail address and we started e-mailing each other. On several occasions she tried to initiate us meeting up again and I sort of came up with excuses to avoid it. We were actually both in Paris once on work and I still came up with an excuse to get out of it. It’s not that I didn’t like her, it was just that I really didn’t want to go through the whole stress of that sort of thing when it probably wasn’t going to lead to anything serious as we live in different countries. I’m not really out for meaningless one night stand sex, I just want a relationship with someone I’m comfortable with… hugging on the couch watching a DVD, all that mushy stuff. In the past month, however, I’ve suddenly had a complete change of heart and I really want to meet up with her again now. I don’t know why that is, but I feel kind of sick and guilty about leading her on all this time and never going through with meeting up again. She’s almost ridiculously nice and a little bit shy and I think for whatever reason she’s somehow ended up with her heart set on us trying to have some sort of relationship. Now I want to try it and see what happens, but I’m not really sure if it’s the right thing to do. Although I’ve had a few relationships, they just seemed more superficial than this (I'd characterise them as sex with a bit of talking now and then). To be honest the whole thought of meeting this girl terrifies me because a year’s worth of talking seems to have made it more of a bigger deal than it normally would be. When I actually met her the first time we got on really well and it was really natural and enjoyable, but for some reason just thinking about meeting her again makes me a gibbering wreck of nerves. I’m not sure what sort of twisted psychology is going on here, but it’s not very pleasant whatever it is – it’s like part of me wants to marry her and part of me wants to run 100 miles in the opposite direction. In short, I don’t really know what I’m doing. We've started talking on the phone almost every day, I’ve arranged to meet her next month and I’m pretty much not getting out of it this time. Does this sort of thing ever work out? Am I wasting my time (and hers as well)? She’s already dropped a few hints into our conversations that she’d be happy to move to the UK, which seems crazy when I’ve only really met this girl for about three days.
FitChick Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 There are thousands of people all over the world who have had long distance relationships that led to marriage. Happens everyday. I was very nearly one of them myself. They weren't willing to settle for geographic convenience with someone they weren't wholeheartedly committed to when for a little more effort they could get the man or woman of their dreams with whom they felt a total connection. Go for it! I love British men. Is your dad available?
Author Alex-UK Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 I love British men. Is your dad available? I'm afraid not - I think my Mum might have something to say about that I don't know, it just seems like someone could form an unrealistic expectation of what a person is like from this sort of thing. I'm really not the sort of person who does this kind of thing usually and I guess my concern is that she only really knew me for a weekend and now she might think I'm somebody I'm not. In your long distance relationship did you meet the person online or in person first?
HeavenOrHell Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Go for it Alex! It sounds promising But don't put too much weight on it, too many expectations, although you have the fact you've already met on your side, but just see how the next meet up goes and take it from there. My love lives in the Netherlands and I'm in the UK, we 'met' online Jan last year and met up in real life April last year, we tried to not put high expectations on it, but it was hard not to, before we met IRL we said that no matter what, we felt we had made a friend for life. We'd both come out of very long term r/ships the year before. We got on really well, were both nervous, my hands were shaking (they'd turned to jelly!) when I put my ticket in the barrier and he was standing on the other side Many people give LDR's a go, but as I'm sure you're aware they won't suit everyone, there's times I've wanted to run far away because it's hard and I worry I/we won't work out because of the distance, and at the same time I just want to hold him close. She will only think you're someone you're not if you've not been yourself during your conversations. Before me and my partner met up IRL we talked a lot on the phone and on webcam as well as msn. Do you feel you've been yourself as much as possible? We've met up about 9 times now, he's now looking into transferring his job to the UK, fingers crossed, that will be our first hurdle to ending the distance out of the way. Wishing you all the best, have a wonderful time, and please keep us posted I'm afraid not - I think my Mum might have something to say about that I don't know, it just seems like someone could form an unrealistic expectation of what a person is like from this sort of thing. I'm really not the sort of person who does this kind of thing usually and I guess my concern is that she only really knew me for a weekend and now she might think I'm somebody I'm not. In your long distance relationship did you meet the person online or in person first?
FitChick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I guess my concern is that she only really knew me for a weekend and now she might think I'm somebody I'm not. In your long distance relationship did you meet the person online or in person first? The only way she will know for sure who you are is to meet you! I met my ex-fiance online. I've met many UK men online first and then they usually fly to meet me or pay for my plane ticket to go there. You need to talk to others in the same situation. Why not read or join this forum for American expats (but there are Brits as well) in the UK and ask their advice? Lots of information. I found it very helpful indeed.
carhill Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 OP, how do your feelings about the dynamic with the lady in question differ from those of ladies you date locally? There's a big wide sea of experience between wanting to marry her and wanting to run away at 100mph. My advice would be to focus less on the extremes and more on a healthy middle ground. That she's weathered your disinterest and remained consistent says a lot about her psychology and interest and IMO that's healthy. Enjoy some time together and see how it goes. You control your 'expectations'. Exercise that control. Good luck.
LickABattery Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Marriage Is like something you think about when you actually meet enough times and you been dating long enough . Having Marriage on your mind before you event start properly will make you wanna run 100 mph the other way. Id say go and meet her, If you keep coming up with excuses you eventually gonna miss your chance and she will get sick of waiting for it to happen, so go and do it and enjoy the time u get with her.
Recommended Posts