Sin-e Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Here's the story: I'm a single 27yo engineer and have been at this particular company for about a year and a half. During my time there, I've gotten close with one of my colleagues, who is almost 40 and also single. She's not exactly my boss, but she is a form of superior. From the day I started, we got along instantly. She gave me her number and we went out as friends a few times, which was a mutual idea since we work together. Over time, we became very close and it became obvious that there was very strong mutual attraction. I never brought it up, though, because a) we work together, and b) I wasn't sure how she would take it, considering the age difference. Nevertheless, we became closer and closer, and it got to the point that we were calling/texting every night, and then one day out of nowhere, she became very distant. She didn't completely stop talking to me, but she was very short, to the point, and very professional, as opposed to what I was accustomed to from her: talkative, humble, and comfortable. The calling/texting stopped, and I went along with it because I respect her and didn't want to cross any lines, even though I had no idea what was going on. This went on for about a month, and I finally approached her and asked what was up. She told me she had had a lot going on and was under a lot of stress (which I think was untrue). Anyway, over the next couple of months, we slowly started getting close again, and the attraction was becoming stronger and more obvious than ever. We even went out with several of our colleagues from work one night, and she and I stuck together the entire night, and we had a great time. So by this time, I'm wanting to just say f it and ask her out so badly that it's driving me insane. So I did. She never said yes or no, but instead "I think about you a lot ... and we work together, and you're really young, and I think right now you need to be focusing on your career." So here's my interpretation of the entire situation, and I want your input: I think she's been attracted to me for a while, but never said anything about it because she's a superior, and also because of the age difference, she didn't want to put herself out there like that. Once we started getting closer, she realized it was mutual, and liked it, and let it keep escalating until it reached the point that she realized how serious it all was, and how it may be a conflict of interest, so she backed way off. Then we get close again and I ask her out. I think she has feelings for me, but feels compromised because we work together and because of the age difference. In my opinion, if she wasn't interested, she would have just straight up said "No", or "I think we should just be friends" or something along those lines. But instead, she said she thinks about me a lot. Agree? Disagree? I guess my real question is for the women: 1) Would you even tell a man that you weren't interested in that you think about him? 2) Am I wrong in translating that statement to mean "I have feelings for you"?
thatone Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 she is attracted to you but she realizes that it's inappropriate on many levels so she is pushing you away. if you persist you will not change her mind and you will make the situation worse. let it go.
grkBoy Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Take it as a compliment, but move on. She likes you, finds you attractive, and probably had a lot of turmoil inside about it. Not just because you both work in the same place, but because of the age. She probably fears "cougar" comments. If you want, tell her it's ok and you understand. Toss her a compliment that you would rather pick a real woman over the little girls in your own age group. Maybe even tell her that the age means nothing to you and she doesn't look anything like a 40 year old or something like that. Tell her you understand and won't press the issue because of your professional lives, and hope you two can still be friends. Suggest maybe the two of you cool things down a bit socially and then perhaps bring things up to a friendly balance sometime down the road. I would suggest pushing to convince her to try, but I think there's too much at stake for her to change her mind, thus maybe it's better to be diplomatic and understanding. Sorry this doesn't have a romantic ending.
Emilia Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 As a 39 year-old I can tell you that she likes you a lot but she knows the two of you wouldn't have a future and you would both risk a lot at work by dating each other. She is being sensible and she is right. It will pass
KathyM Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Here's the story: I'm a single 27yo engineer and have been at this particular company for about a year and a half. During my time there, I've gotten close with one of my colleagues, who is almost 40 and also single. She's not exactly my boss, but she is a form of superior. From the day I started, we got along instantly. She gave me her number and we went out as friends a few times, which was a mutual idea since we work together. Over time, we became very close and it became obvious that there was very strong mutual attraction. I never brought it up, though, because a) we work together, and b) I wasn't sure how she would take it, considering the age difference. Nevertheless, we became closer and closer, and it got to the point that we were calling/texting every night, and then one day out of nowhere, she became very distant. She didn't completely stop talking to me, but she was very short, to the point, and very professional, as opposed to what I was accustomed to from her: talkative, humble, and comfortable. The calling/texting stopped, and I went along with it because I respect her and didn't want to cross any lines, even though I had no idea what was going on. This went on for about a month, and I finally approached her and asked what was up. She told me she had had a lot going on and was under a lot of stress (which I think was untrue). Anyway, over the next couple of months, we slowly started getting close again, and the attraction was becoming stronger and more obvious than ever. We even went out with several of our colleagues from work one night, and she and I stuck together the entire night, and we had a great time. So by this time, I'm wanting to just say f it and ask her out so badly that it's driving me insane. So I did. She never said yes or no, but instead "I think about you a lot ... and we work together, and you're really young, and I think right now you need to be focusing on your career." So here's my interpretation of the entire situation, and I want your input: I think she's been attracted to me for a while, but never said anything about it because she's a superior, and also because of the age difference, she didn't want to put herself out there like that. Once we started getting closer, she realized it was mutual, and liked it, and let it keep escalating until it reached the point that she realized how serious it all was, and how it may be a conflict of interest, so she backed way off. Then we get close again and I ask her out. I think she has feelings for me, but feels compromised because we work together and because of the age difference. In my opinion, if she wasn't interested, she would have just straight up said "No", or "I think we should just be friends" or something along those lines. But instead, she said she thinks about me a lot. Agree? Disagree? I guess my real question is for the women: 1) Would you even tell a man that you weren't interested in that you think about him? 2) Am I wrong in translating that statement to mean "I have feelings for you"? She's attracted to you, and she realizes that you are attracted to her, but she knows that there is no future for her with you, so she's trying to keep her distance.
Author Sin-e Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 Tell her you understand and won't press the issue because of your professional lives, and hope you two can still be friends. Suggest maybe the two of you cool things down a bit socially and then perhaps bring things up to a friendly balance sometime down the road. This is actually how I responded to her. I told her I understood, and that she was right about me needing to focus on my career. Ever since this all went down, it's like she and I have been able to be a lot more open with each other, which is cool. I've definitely backed off, and so has she, but every time we're around each other or we talk, there's still an obvious and strong attraction between the two of us, if not stronger than before. Now when we see each other, it's constant, uninterrupted eye contact, and long silences where we just pretty much stare at each other smiling. I'll back off for a week or so and won't call or text her, or even see her at work, then I'll get a text from her asking me where I've been and how things are going, and then we end up talking every night for a few nights, then one of us will back off again, and it all starts over. I totally understand what everyone is saying as far as the professional part goes, and even the age difference, but what I don't understand is why people say there would be no future. I understand that I'm 13 years younger than her, but I feel like I'm 37 instead of 27. All of my friends are older than me, and everyone I've ever dated has been older than me. Even when I was in high school and college, I had older friends and dated older girls. I think 50% of her reluctance is work-related and the other 50% is fear of giving this a chance because of her age, not mine. I think she's worried that she may give me a chance, invest a lot in me, and then something go bad several years down the road because of me changing. And if that is the case, I can honestly say that I don't blame her ... I would be reluctant too if I were 40 and was interested in a 27-year-old, because people can change a lot in 13 years. I guess it's just my belief that if two people like each other, get along with each other, and have a lot in common, then they should give things a chance, regardless of age. Saying that there would be no future for us is an inaccurate statement, in my opinion.
Eeyore79 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 She probably thinks that you'll leave her as soon as you decide you want kids, because she's too old to have them. The long term prospects for a couple with such a large age gap aren't good. I'm a little confused about why you would even want to date a 40yo when you could easily date a hot young thing in her twenties... even in her thirties if you want an older woman?
Author Sin-e Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 She probably thinks that you'll leave her as soon as you decide you want kids, because she's too old to have them. The long term prospects for a couple with such a large age gap aren't good. I'm a little confused about why you would even want to date a 40yo when you could easily date a hot young thing in her twenties... even in her thirties if you want an older woman? I'm not typically attracted to women quite that much older than me, but this woman in particular is so different from anyone I've met, and we get along so well. I don't know, I guess as long as we work together, we're destined to be just friends.
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