I am really stupid. Ex fiance and boyfriend

[NursingGirl]

I feel so ignorant and awful right now but I don't know what to do.

 

I was engaged to be married in February after dating for about 2 years. I had NO IDEA what was coming next but he was building a house and went through some sort of anxiety attack over all the pressure of working nights at his job and working days on the house and all the details of blending our two lives. He couldn't talk to me through the anxiety attack. I couldn't understand that! I mean, yeah, I understand severe anxiety on a clinical level but he shut me out. It really hurt and I broke it off. We have had no contact for about three months.

 

I started dating a really cool guy since then. I haven't dated him long but we ARE exclusive and it shows potential. I wouldn't say I'm in love yet but he is super.

 

So ex fiance started contact again and I basically have been ignoring his calls and attempts. But he wants to marry me he says. I am the best thing ever in his life along with his children he says. He wants to get married immediately. I had moved on. Not that I didn't still love him...I definitely still had feelings but that whole anxiety issue really freaked me out. We had picked out a home together and he was building it and it had 4 bedrooms (we have two children each) and there's no way he would have wanted a 4 bedroom house when only one of his sons lives at home. He just blocked me out though! I was only a week from moving in with him and had made some living decisions of my own based upon that expectation as we had planned for months.

 

Now I'm going to hurt my current boyfriend. Yeah, I haven't seen him long but I am fairly certain that he's invested. I really thought ex fiance and I were done. I'm such a f*ckup to hurt someone I care about. I'm actually not sure which I should do....trust ex not to emotionally disappear on me again (he has been under a dr's care for the anxiety issue. That doesn't scare the crap out of me because he is taking care of it) or put a permanent end to thoughts of us and pursue a life without him.

 

These are real lives and real feelings and how can I not know what is the right choice? So kick me if you must or help me sort it out.

Edited August 7, 2011 by NursingGirl

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I feel so ignorant and awful right now but I don't know what to do.

 

I was engaged to be married in February after dating for about 2 years. I had NO IDEA what was coming next but he was building a house and went through some sort of anxiety attack over all the pressure of working nights at his job and working days on the house and all the details of blending our two lives. He couldn't talk to me through the anxiety attack. I couldn't understand that! I mean, yeah, I understand severe anxiety on a clinical level but he shut me out. It really hurt and I broke it off. We have had no contact for about three months.

 

I started dating a really cool guy since then. I haven't dated him long but we ARE exclusive and it shows potential. I wouldn't say I'm in love yet but he is super.

 

So ex fiance started contact again and I basically have been ignoring his calls and attempts. But he wants to marry me he says. I am the best thing ever in his life along with his children he says. He wants to get married immediately. I had moved on. Not that I didn't still love him...I definitely still had feelings but that whole anxiety issue really freaked me out. We had picked out a home together and he was building it and it had 4 bedrooms (we have two children each) and there's no way he would have wanted a 4 bedroom house when only one of his sons lives at home. He just blocked me out though! I was only a week from moving in with him and had made some living decisions of my own based upon that expectation as we had planned for months.

 

Now I'm going to hurt my current boyfriend. Yeah, I haven't seen him long but I am fairly certain that he's invested. I really thought ex fiance and I were done. I'm such a f*ckup to hurt someone I care about. I'm actually not sure which I should do....trust ex not to emotionally disappear on me again (he has been under a dr's care for the anxiety issue. That doesn't scare the crap out of me because he is taking care of it) or put a permanent end to thoughts of us and pursue a life without him.

 

These are real lives and real feelings and how can I not know what is the right choice? So kick me if you must or help me sort it out.

 

 

AMPUTATE the original guy from your life unless you want to spend the rest of your time on this earth being manipulated by a big baby.

 

You were doing so well there... but now you have to start all over again, like an AA member counting sobriety from 1 day, to 1 week, to 1 month.

 

You fell off the wagon after having built up 3 months.

[fetish1980]

how serious can you really be with this new guy after only a few months together and a failed engagement?

 

You should slow down a little. But don't give your ex the pleasure. It's not fair to you.

 

fetish

[KathyM]

I feel so ignorant and awful right now but I don't know what to do.

 

I was engaged to be married in February after dating for about 2 years. I had NO IDEA what was coming next but he was building a house and went through some sort of anxiety attack over all the pressure of working nights at his job and working days on the house and all the details of blending our two lives. He couldn't talk to me through the anxiety attack. I couldn't understand that! I mean, yeah, I understand severe anxiety on a clinical level but he shut me out. It really hurt and I broke it off. We have had no contact for about three months.

 

I started dating a really cool guy since then. I haven't dated him long but we ARE exclusive and it shows potential. I wouldn't say I'm in love yet but he is super.

 

So ex fiance started contact again and I basically have been ignoring his calls and attempts. But he wants to marry me he says. I am the best thing ever in his life along with his children he says. He wants to get married immediately. I had moved on. Not that I didn't still love him...I definitely still had feelings but that whole anxiety issue really freaked me out. We had picked out a home together and he was building it and it had 4 bedrooms (we have two children each) and there's no way he would have wanted a 4 bedroom house when only one of his sons lives at home. He just blocked me out though! I was only a week from moving in with him and had made some living decisions of my own based upon that expectation as we had planned for months.

 

Now I'm going to hurt my current boyfriend. Yeah, I haven't seen him long but I am fairly certain that he's invested. I really thought ex fiance and I were done. I'm such a f*ckup to hurt someone I care about. I'm actually not sure which I should do....trust ex not to emotionally disappear on me again (he has been under a dr's care for the anxiety issue. That doesn't scare the crap out of me because he is taking care of it) or put a permanent end to thoughts of us and pursue a life without him.

 

These are real lives and real feelings and how can I not know what is the right choice? So kick me if you must or help me sort it out.

Keep the current boyfriend. Let the X know you've moved on and you want to keep it that way. Living with a person with an anxiety disorder is draining. My mother has an anxiety disorder. When I went to stay with her for a few months last summer to help her with some things, I could hardly stand it. It can get on your nerves quite a bit at times (and I'm a patient person, so I don't easily get rattled). I'd stick with the emotionally healthy boyfriend if I was you.

[69ways]

Are you guys blind, she is the dumper not the dumpee.

 

She took the initiative of finishing the relationship than standing next to her man, who had a nervous breakdown because of stress.

 

She is not marriage material as we get married/engaged/in relationship for better or worse, she gave up so easy.....

 

 

 

 

We are all here because of dumpers and you people are giving this woman advices that you would give to a dumpee.

 

I feel sorry of the guy that wants to marry you.......as you are not a person that i could rely on to support me during hard times.

[Mack05]

You broke off an engagement over one anxiety attack? Surely if you really love your ex fiance you would have stayed and through to figure it all out and work through things? If you wany my advice, I would go NC on both guys. I think you need to figure out why exactly you would throw away an engagement over one anxiety attack. We all act of out character in our lives, should that mean our partners just get up and leave when we do? What happens if this new guy acts out of character? Does he get the road to? It's very easy to be in love when things are going well. So not so easy when one partner is going through a personal crisis.

 

Also, you seemed to have replaced one relationship with another and that is never healthy. Indeed it's a recipe for disaster. Feelings are like weeds. If you don't deal with them correctly they run wild.

[69ways]

You broke off an engagement over one anxiety attack? Surely if you really love your ex fiance you would have stayed and through to figure it all out and work through things? If you wany my advice, I would go NC on both guys. I think you need to figure out why exactly you would throw away an engagement over one anxiety attack. We all act of out character in our lives, should that mean our partners just get up and leave when we do? What happens if this new guy acts out of character? Does he get the road to? It's very easy to be in love when things are going well. So not so easy when one partner is going through a personal crisis.

 

Also, you seemed to have replaced one relationship with another and that is never healthy. Indeed it's a recipe for disaster. Feelings are like weeds. If you don't deal with them correctly they run wild.

 

the woman has no idea what she wants or she is doing....

[NursingGirl]

There sure is a variation of recommendations but honestly, all of you have good points. I have felt every one of the things myself in your replies.

 

I didn't give alot of detail but while ex was supposedly going through an anxiety attack (and that is established and I believe it) I WAS supportive. When he didn't answer my calls and texts over a two week period of time, I went to his parents house where he was living until ours was finished. I sat down on the couch beside him and he didn't greet me. He was sending an email on his phone. When he got finished that one, he started sending another one. When he got done with that one, he did finally look at me but only to ask me if I still had the key to his old house that he had rented out so he could give it to the tenant. I had the key because I had been going over there and cleaning his house for the new tenant while he was working on the new house. I couldn't believe he didn't greet me and then that was all he had to say. I went out to my car to get the key and I came back in to give it to him and he took it...and then asked his Mom when dinner was going to be ready. That was really f*cking annoying. I can understand depression and anxiety but why the f*ck does he care about dinner more than at least greeting me?

Then, after a couple more week of sporadic contact, unanswered texts and phone calls....I had to make a decision on my living situation. I had to move! My lease was up and they were raising the rent! I had very little furniture left and he had stopped working on the house. He DID have the time and energy to go to a concealed weapon permit class though. It just all really looked like he was having cold feet. It looked like if he stopped working on the house, then I couldn't move in with him as planned. I sent an email about how it looked like that to me and would he please talk to me because I needed to make some decisions and that email (he said) made him so mad that he turned his phone off. Nice. So yep, I broke up. It was more to do with freeing him from the pressure of the relationship and maybe that would help his anxiety and depression issue if he couldn't bring HIMSELF to do it. And that's the way I phrased it when I broke it off. All he replied was that he was sorry. He didn't say anything like, "No...that's not what I want....just hang in there with me." I would have gladly hung in there with him. I'm a freakin nurse, lol.

So then his Mom tells me that he starts working on the house again. Still no contact and he didn't contact me again until now. And guess how he first initiated contact this time? He sent me a fb friend request, lol.

 

Ok, granted, I'm in a relationship too fast. The boyfriend knows that I had been engaged and that it was shortly before we started dating. I don't know where it is going with the new bf and I doubt he does either at this point (it's only been about 3 months into it) but he is a super guy. Whereever it goes or if it ends immediately, he was and is still a super guy. It has been a great summer with him. I guess that's all I can really say about him at this time?

[bonpaw2008]

It doesn't sound like you are into the financee at all anymore. People don't change, he is very likely going to do the same thing again. Take a break from both of them - be honest with the new guy and tell him that you have some decisions to make and that you will let him know.

 

Talk straight to the financee, tell him the scoop. Like I said, you talk pretty coldly about him so I think you are done with him, you just need to make sure. I would ask for concrete evidence, what is going to happen when he gets off the medication, how is he going to go about prolem solving from now on.

 

I know I would be done, I wish I would have kept that plug pulled myself on my ex.

 

Best wishes

[NursingGirl]

It doesn't sound like you are into the financee at all anymore.

 

 

Best wishes

 

 

Hey, thanks. Best wishes to you, too! I was happy to see that there was no chemistry with ex and I am happy to know that I had it re-affirmed to me that this break up is the right thing. He isn't any different at all. What I really, really hate is what his little boy has gone through. That just really sucks. I still have the dollar he gave me when I was tossing the football with him. He wanted to pay me for playing with him, lol! So cute! He also gave me his good luck rock. And one time, we made chocolate candy together from one of those kits...they were beatles with cardboard legs. So have saved the beetle legs from one of those candies, too. I have thrown away everything from ex fiance but kept his little boy's gifts. I hate that I went into and out of his life. :-(

[bonpaw2008]

I hate what this all does to the kids too. They are the innocent bystanders of our messes. I have two kids and went through a divorce, but thank goodness we came through all the bs to know that the most important thing is the children so we are civil. So many people can't do it.

 

My ex bf had two kids right around my kids age. When we broke up they were really sad, I lost a boyfriend but they lost genuine friends. My ex's boy actually cried. I was heartbroken for putting them through that and I am not sure how I am going to ever introduce them to anyone that I am dating again.

 

Glad it worked out for you, I know you are doing the right thing. Second chances just prolong the inevitable in my experience.

[NursingGirl]

Since everyone here seems to still be confused if 2nd chances work and what we are supposed to do with exes in our lives and such, I'm gonna post updates to this thread. Yeah, venting doesn't hurt either, haha.

 

The ex called twice recently when I was with the bf, so I think that got th bf wondering. The first time the ex called me, he then followed up with an email, "Sorry I called. I won't do it again." But he DID! So the day after that second call, I discovered bf checking back into his old profile on a dating site where we met. I knew he still had a profile up with no pictures and he wasn't active on it, so I didn't give it much concern when we started dating. I was kinda bummed when I saw he had checked. I decided to get it out in the open so I told him I knew. He said he was "bored and surfing". I told him that I had had NC with ex but that I should have put the repeated calling to rest but he said he believed me and there were "no worries" between us. I thought about that for the rest of the day and decided that I had worries! That was just not a good enough explanation for checking back in on a dating site profile! I cancelled mine after our third date. Either the ex thing made him insecure (and he couldn't communicate that to me even when I asked) or he is having second thoughts about dating me exclusively but either way, bad sign for us. I broke it off.

 

Now, the ex fiance. He continued to be in touch with me since the beginning of this thread. He said "he regrets letting anything happen to us", "I'm the best thing ever in his life along with his kids" he "doesn't know what to do about getting back to what we had". He said that he has just gotten back to normal in terms of the nervous breakdown. He said that (a male analogy coming here) that when I broke it off with him...he was like a full wheelbarrow and though our relationship was not what he wanted to unload at the time, it resulted in a less full and more manageable wheelbarrow.

Ok, then. He says he still wants to marry me and he wants to do it soon and he has already told his son that's what he wants to do. His son and I were close. If he told his son that and lets this fall through, he is such a schmuck!

 

I told ex that I still love him, I didn't want to break it off but I thought it would help him, I don't want to invest unless he is serious. He just texted this morning that he is putting a check in the mail to pay from some of my losses when we didn't get married. That's a start!

 

Where is this going? I don't know. We all have our faults and my ex seems to be taking good care of himself with the anxiety issue. He works really, really hard and I know I would have anxiety issues if I were to undertake all that he does. He says he is learning how to say "no" and limit himself more with that. When I met with him, it was funny because he used to work nonstop on his acreage and it all needs bush-hogged all over again, it is so grown up. Even around the pond that is stocked with fish that used to be his pride and joy. It is obvious that this anxiety was very real to him and overwhelming. In the 2 years I knew and dated him prior to that, I never saw any sign of constant overwhelming anxiety. He was normal and I have always been very comfortable with him.

 

So....let's see if this goes anywhere. It's up to him I guess.

Edited August 11, 2011 by NursingGirl

[NursingGirl]

 

 

Do you really see yourself ending the engagement and leaving the guy who you had been with for over 2 years forever? From my point of view, it seems that you should follow through with your original plan of marriage, but I know that there are a lot of concerns you have that I will never be able to fully understand.....

 

No, I can't really see myself ending it if there is a good chance he is sure. It was really tough to be practically "left at the alter". It was very hurtful. However, our breakup had a particular reason that seems to be fixable. IF his anxiety had nothing to do with having cold feet about getting married, then I have no problem helping to support him in marriage in spite of this mental health challenge. We were definitely best friends and this totally took me by complete surprise.

 

However, I am wary of investing emotionally until I see for sure that he means this. If he wants to "get back to where we were", then that was ABOUT TO BE MARRIED and that's what I want to see him invest in planning. If he doesn't, I certainly don't want to be around his son again and get his (and my) hopes up again only to be put off. Why do I have the feeling that I could be put off again? I don't know...maybe it's a weakness or fault in me or maybe it's based on something I can't define. Maybe I think he gets anxious about marriage and I'm not entirely certain that he WILL commit. Five months was a long time without seeing him and other than the occasional angry expression when I would see a black toyota tundra truck like his, I had pretty much moved on. I was starting to get emotionally involved with the boyfriend and if he hadn't logged into his dating website account, I don't believe I would have broken it off. If he thinks I'm a flake and I must still be involved with the ex fiance, then he should have said so. That explanation was so stupid about bored and surfing and that's why he logged in after an entire 2 months of not visiting there. Lack of communication and commitment are the two biggest reasons relationships never get off the ground.

Edited August 11, 2011 by NursingGirl

[Mack05]

You broke off an engagement over one anxiety attack? Surely if you really love your ex fiance you would have stayed and through to figure it all out and work through things? If you wany my advice, I would go NC on both guys. I think you need to figure out why exactly you would throw away an engagement over one anxiety attack. We all act of out character in our lives, should that mean our partners just get up and leave when we do? What happens if this new guy acts out of character? Does he get the road to?(apparently he does) It's very easy to be in love when things are going well. So not so easy when one partner is going through a personal crisis.

 

Also, you seemed to have replaced one relationship with another and that is never healthy. Indeed it's a recipe for disaster. Feelings are like weeds. If you don't deal with them correctly they run wild.

 

You are a total mess. Seriously. Step back, reflect and evaluate. Go on NC for 2 months (this is what the experts recommend). Try figure out why you quit relationships so easy. Why you jumped into a new relationship so fast without grieving for your ex-fiancee. Be honest with him and yourself. Tell him right now emotionally you are not ready to be in a relationship (because you are not). Do NOT break NC and ask him to respect your wishes. I personally feel you need therapy. Failed marriage, jumping from one relationship to another so fast. There is an underlying problem here and until you figure out what this is, you will stay in the same cycle making the same mistakes..

Edited August 11, 2011 by Mack05

[NursingGirl]

Why you jumped into a new relationship so fast without grieving for your ex-fiancee.

 

This is a good point to ponder. I guess I didn't realize I had any further grieving to do. When I perceive someone "wronged me" in some way, I shut down. I cut them out. It doesn't feel hard to do. I didn't think he would ever come back and I convinced myself that I didn't care.

 

The therapy thing-it looks to me like most people who come here and post need therapy, lol. Most of how we behave in romantic relationships has to do with our first important relationships in our lives...our birth families. Mine sucked worse than any imaginable. My Dad is a child molester and my Mom is the woman who stood by him. I couldn't have any worse role models of a man or a woman in my life and these were my parents. Therefore, I pick partners who couldn't possibly provide me with what I deserve. It's not that I don't WANT good relationships, it's just that a child from a really f*cked up family just doesn't recognize a good one from a bad one. I've been in therapy most of my life, off and on, but my healing has been and will be a life long process.

 

I can say that I am making progress! My first serious relationship was abusive and I'm lucky to be alive. My marriage was to a substance abuser and I suppose we had that codependent thing going on in both of those relationships I just mentioned. The ex fiance has a wonderful family and he is a good guy but I don't know if he is capable of committing to be married. I think he has commitment issues. Though I don't normally tell anyone I date about my past, I eventually told my ex fiance in bits and pieces and he was ok with it. I have managed quite well for myself in all other areas (I have two children in college and I have finished myself) but the intimate relationship area makes me want to slam that door whenever someone gets close. I can give myself totally away in intimate relationships to take care of the other person but I seem to have trouble letting anyone get close. Honestly, the ex fiance is the first person I allowed to actually know me. I am getting better.

 

And advice to you, Mack: we don't have to post responsibly here on this forum or anywhere on the net, actually, but we don't know what people have been through and how hard they have already worked to get to where they are. So it's particularly nice when someone validates you as a human being while delivering criticism. This way, a poster has actually helped to illuminate some issues for the OP. Of course there are alot of people who post who aren't trying to help, lol. I get that.

 

So yes, I'm kinda a mess....still....but wow, from what I have been, just wow. At least I don't allow myself to be pushed down the steps pregnant. At least I don't give my life away to substance abusers who have dependent personality disorders. I don't date responsibly, agreed, but I try. I am trying. I love my ex and understand his reservations could be his previous cheating spouse and that he recognizes my trust issues. I cared for the bf but the opening the online profile shut me down. The thing is, people will always let us down in some way and I need to recognize when it is a big, insurmountable thing and when it is a normal, human thing that we all slip up with from time to time. My shut down is my worst challenge, my worst enemy.

 

Does that make sense? It doesn't excuse my faults and I didn't mean for it to but maybe it helps enlighten you alittle? And maybe others? I am learning to accept that people do crappy things to each other and it usually is not personal. My first reaction is to block them out.

[NursingGirl]

A couple other things: I used to foster children and I think it was, in part, a way to help heal myself. I remember one 6 year old girl who I knew was putting me through "trust trials" at every turn. One example was that she would get very upset if I was not already at school when she got out of class. I tried my best to always be there early, but one day, I wasn't. She wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I had betrayed her. It didn't matter that I got there 364 days on time and met her expectations. I had let her down ONCE and she shut her door on me. I understood.

 

Being able to see these issue with my foster children helped me alot to become aware of the ways I blocked intimacy. There are so many adults out there who walk around as little children in terms of emotional level and ability to be intimate. The first step is becoming aware of patterns. The second seems to be to fight impulses not to fall into the normal dysfunctional patterns. I even have a girlfriend (female friend )who has worked SO HARD with me on my patterns and not letting me run away, lol. She is a saint in terms of sticking with me in that area. She knows what my first impulse is even before I do! She helps to keep me aware. Her issues have been not believing in herself in the career category so I am able to assist her with that. We have something that works. Ex and I had something that worked except for one small area...and that is that he is afraid of abandonment (like from his first wife) and he's not sure I am stable enough to commit to a marriage without running, eventually. He has a valid concern. There's no doubt we loved each other. He should encourage me to go to counseling with him! I would go. I might suggest that.

 

In spite of your bull in the china shop approach, Mack, I get your points. You are a safe person for me to hear criticism from because I am not emotionally close to you! Just f*ckin be nice, will ya? It goes alot further in terms of helpfulness.

Edited August 11, 2011 by NursingGirl

[Mack05]

In spite of your bull in the china shop approach, Mack, I get your points. You are a safe person for me to hear criticism from because I am not emotionally close to you! Just f*ckin be nice, will ya? It goes alot further in terms of helpfulness.

 

Nursinggirl this is one of the reasons why I won't be posting on LS anymore going forward. I think I was far more helpful and empathetic, when I was slap bang in the middle of my own broken heart about 3 months ago. I am in a good place in my life now, after dealing with a lot of *&*!.

 

No matter what happens I hope things work out for you..

[NursingGirl]

Nursinggirl this is one of the reasons why I won't be posting on LS anymore going forward. I think I was far more helpful and empathetic, when I was slap bang in the middle of my own broken heart about 3 months ago. I am in a good place in my life now, after dealing with a lot of *&*!.

 

No matter what happens I hope things work out for you..

 

 

Thank you! It's ok, you should still post here. Just go to the dating forum or something that doesn't push buttons for you. And I appreciate that you came back and picked up the broken pieces of china. You are a good guy.

[gogoyoiwcqbg]

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[KathyM]

Are you guys blind, she is the dumper not the dumpee.

 

She took the initiative of finishing the relationship than standing next to her man, who had a nervous breakdown because of stress.

 

She is not marriage material as we get married/engaged/in relationship for better or worse, she gave up so easy.....

 

 

 

 

We are all here because of dumpers and you people are giving this woman advices that you would give to a dumpee.

 

I feel sorry of the guy that wants to marry you.......as you are not a person that i could rely on to support me during hard times.

If she was married to the guy, the advice would have been different. Then she owes it to the husband and the marriage to work through any and all problems, except for infidelity. But when you are dating someone or not yet married but engaged, which is the situation in this case, then you are in the process of getting to know this person and deciding if he has the qualities/characteristics that you want in a life partner. If there is anything that comes up during that time that you consider a deal breaker, then you have every right to leave and not feel guilty about it. She had every right to be concerned about his mental health issues, and not want to have to deal with it on a lifetime basis. She wasn't married to the guy. She has a right to choose what she wants in a partner, and not feel guilty for not wanting to make a life with someone that is unstable. People aren't in a relationship for better or for worse, unless they are married. Anything less than that is at will, and people have a right to change their mind and move on, or not, if they are not married.