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Thinking and comparing to EX's situation...even when its fake?

Movingthrough

By Movingthrough
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Movingthrough Established Member

Movingthrough

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This is actually hard for me to write, but with so many good posters on here i know it will be a good conversation.

 

Im at about a year on my breakup, and it was typical in the sense of the GIGS, but not typical because realistically she has a pattern for this. She was in a marriage for years that slowly fell apart, she cheated, he forgave her, there way to fix it was to have a kid, still ended up divorced and during their last rough patch she admitted her feelings for me, seperated from him and was talking to me within days. Had an intense relationship with me, very "firey" if thats the word, then after two days of discussing the future, letf me and was with another guy within days, who she is still currently with. So in the span of one year, she had a failed marriage where she was with someone days after, another failed relationship (me) and was with someone right after. I want to also make clear that im no angel, i had a deep distrust with her because i knew some of her backround (not all) so i didnt treat her as well as i should have.

 

I found myself really taking these things posted above and feeling good about not being part of that. Could of been a guy, girl doesnt matter, those are not good qualities above. Now that time has gone by my mind has become a little more open to the situation and i have been letting go of the last strings, but i find myself for some weird reason almost somewhat comparing and feeling angry that she "got away with it". I have had to deal with the pain and finding out what i want and who i am for the past year, she has just jumped to someone else to avoid it.

 

During this time she has also randomly sent me messages basically doing the "i miss you and love you but dont love you, wait i do love you, miss you and maybe there is something there" etc etc. At first i played into them but not anymore. I was also going out there for work, she found out and consistantley asked when i would be there after months of not talking.

 

I ended up seeing pictures of her "new life" on accident when i was visiting freinds who dont really know the story but know her. That is when i started getting these thoughts, to see someone so moved on and "happy" when i havent been because of her, really kind of put me in a rut. Like the topic says though, with her actions in the past and with me, i highly doubt its real. Her deminor is so "tough" and laid back, if you all were to see her pics you would believe it, you could read what i wrote and think of a movie where the person is cocky, and knows they can play with people, thats not her so it makes it tough to see beyond the surface which is where the problems really lie. I keep thinking that she basically has a relationship built off of two failed ones and that there is no way that can be good, but she is so good at moving fast and using others to deal with the past that it makes that anger because hers is working out.

 

These thoughts have been random to me and i hate that i seem to be more focused on the myth or story she is portraying then the truth.

 

Are they actually "getting away with it"?

LifeIsGreat Established Member

LifeIsGreat

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I can understand your pain, but have to be very honest with you. If after a year you are still concerned about her 'getting away with it' it's possible you have some personal growth to deal with. Not trying to be mean here, I promise.

 

Especially after a year, your main concern should be for your life and where you want to be. Yes, remember the past and LEARN FROM IT-- forget her.

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Movingthrough Established Member

Movingthrough

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Posted
I can understand your pain, but have to be very honest with you. If after a year you are still concerned about her 'getting away with it' it's possible you have some personal growth to deal with. Not trying to be mean here, I promise.

 

Especially after a year, your main concern should be for your life and where you want to be. Yes, remember the past and LEARN FROM IT-- forget her.

 

Thanks for the response, im glad you were blunt because thats what i was trying to figure out.

 

Sometimes i feel like my confidence being shot from her, combined with her moving on so fast, is making this more about me then it really is her like you said. The last few days i find myself thinking wow its been a year i should not be in this place. Which made turn more to ME then just saying she did this or that.

 

Most would agree her actions are not good, and everyone i know fully believes that she is not what she is portraying online, but the fact still remains that im starting to think this is more of me then just her.

 

I dont know really know what its saying about me, but im guessing its more along the lines of me not having a focus at this point (g/f) so i compare to her "having" all of that already...

Graceful Established Member

Graceful

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Posted

Are they getting away with ... what? She treated you poorly, she moved on, but bottom line: she's history.

 

You are trying to justify your continuing inability to let go by asking the same question over and over and making the excuse about her. It's not about her.

 

My ex moved someone in 48 hours after I moved out. Some people can't be alone for more than 10 minutes, some 5 minutes. That's the bottom line. They're not "getting away" with anything. That's their MO. If it's not you, it's the next guy. If it's not him, it's the next one, and the next one, not because anything fake is going on, but that's the MO of the person.

 

If your MO was such that you could not stand to be alone, for ANY reason under the sun, you would have found a GF by now. You really would have. You would not be using your ex as an excuse, you would be using her as a catalyst to get a new GF, for the very simple reason that you can't be alone.

 

Getting into the underlying reasons for that MO is a waste of time, and you've already done enough of that anyhow. Who cares what her reasons are? She needs constant attention, she doesn't care who she gets it from, she's selfish, she's this and she's that, but isn't this a little boring, already?

 

Yeesh, your ex is boring. Who cares who she's with, when or how? She'll NEVER be alone, I can guarantee it. And it's not because she's so great, it's because she will never ALLOW herself to be alone.

 

So, MT, please. If you still feel bad, I can buy that, but to blame it on her anymore, nope, not buying it. It's on YOU now. You've been in therapy, done your homework, so stop going in circles, will ya please?

 

Make up your mind to just let go of this. So what if you see her FB page? Who goes on FB and says their life sux? NO ONE. FB is to report that life is all hunky dory. Everyone does it, not just your ex. So take it with a grain of salt. Your ex will ALWAYS be happy with who she is with, for the simple reason that she's not ALONE. She's all about "love the one you're with" -- and you know, I can't criticize her for that, and what's more, it's none of my business and it's none of your's either.

 

Is this blunt enough for you, MT? You must be soooo glad I stopped by to kick your a$$. :D:D We've spoken many times, and I consider you a friend, so I hope you know I only said these things to poke you a little and help you get off the treadmill where you are not making progress.

 

Okay? Are you with me? Got it? :) Now say yes, and make me happy. :D

Graceful :)

 

Thanks for the response, im glad you were blunt because thats what i was trying to figure out.

 

Sometimes i feel like my confidence being shot from her, combined with her moving on so fast, is making this more about me then it really is her like you said. The last few days i find myself thinking wow its been a year i should not be in this place. Which made turn more to ME then just saying she did this or that.

 

Most would agree her actions are not good, and everyone i know fully believes that she is not what she is portraying online, but the fact still remains that im starting to think this is more of me then just her.

 

I dont know really know what its saying about me, but im guessing its more along the lines of me not having a focus at this point (g/f) so i compare to her "having" all of that already...

  • Author
Movingthrough Established Member

Movingthrough

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Are they getting away with ... what? She treated you poorly, she moved on, but bottom line: she's history.

 

You are trying to justify your continuing inability to let go by asking the same question over and over and making the excuse about her. It's not about her.

 

My ex moved someone in 48 hours after I moved out. Some people can't be alone for more than 10 minutes, some 5 minutes. That's the bottom line. They're not "getting away" with anything. That's their MO. If it's not you, it's the next guy. If it's not him, it's the next one, and the next one, not because anything fake is going on, but that's the MO of the person.

 

If your MO was such that you could not stand to be alone, for ANY reason under the sun, you would have found a GF by now. You really would have. You would not be using your ex as an excuse, you would be using her as a catalyst to get a new GF, for the very simple reason that you can't be alone.

 

Getting into the underlying reasons for that MO is a waste of time, and you've already done enough of that anyhow. Who cares what her reasons are? She needs constant attention, she doesn't care who she gets it from, she's selfish, she's this and she's that, but isn't this a little boring, already?

 

Yeesh, your ex is boring. Who cares who she's with, when or how? She'll NEVER be alone, I can guarantee it. And it's not because she's so great, it's because she will never ALLOW herself to be alone.

 

So, MT, please. If you still feel bad, I can buy that, but to blame it on her anymore, nope, not buying it. It's on YOU now. You've been in therapy, done your homework, so stop going in circles, will ya please?

 

Make up your mind to just let go of this. So what if you see her FB page? Who goes on FB and says their life sux? NO ONE. FB is to report that life is all hunky dory. Everyone does it, not just your ex. So take it with a grain of salt. Your ex will ALWAYS be happy with who she is with, for the simple reason that she's not ALONE. She's all about "love the one you're with" -- and you know, I can't criticize her for that, and what's more, it's none of my business and it's none of your's either.

 

Is this blunt enough for you, MT? You must be soooo glad I stopped by to kick your a$$. :D:D We've spoken many times, and I consider you a friend, so I hope you know I only said these things to poke you a little and help you get off the treadmill where you are not making progress.

 

Okay? Are you with me? Got it? :) Now say yes, and make me happy. :D

Graceful :)

 

 

Oh my Graceful, just what i needed!

 

Im so glad i made this thread because i can honestly say in just reading it i have yet again another breakthrough on my journey. While im no where near where i was a year ago, im still human and things pop up.

 

I think as humans people like my ex make us question ourselves, only because they seem so happy so quick, it makes us wonder..why not me? The problem is when you can blow through relationships so much they are basically disposable, FB and the internet does not mean anything.

 

I do a lot of venting on here but i do it because i learn, i hope newbies reading this will get something out of it!

Edited by Movingthrough
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