aion Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Hi to everyone, this is going to be long for you, I know, I apologize, but bear with me. It’s my life in 3,500 words It was seven years ago. I was alone for more than a year after breaking up wiht my highschool girlfriend (we've been together for some 4 years and she cheated on me -- things didn't work out and we split). A friend from university asked me to meet him in my area so that he and his girlfriend's sister could buy a mobile phone. I did. She was so cute and I liked her a lot. I was 22 she was 19. One week later I asked my friend to bring her to the mall when he and his girlfriend go out. He did. She didn't like me from the begining, but I was already over my heels for her. I felt something REALLY strong. Something REALLY special. At the time I wasn't very good at making girls fall in love with me. But I was good at making girls smile -- full of jokes kind of guy. So we met again at the guy's birthday some months after and I tried to talk to her. But she was young (virgin as well), I was sort of a dork when it came to relationships and dating, and although I wanted to kiss her, I feared I'll get rejected (recently, she told me she would've kissed me back). So it all stopped there. But both of us had this idea that there’s some weird chemistry between us. So it all began: looots and loooots of IMs. We talked about everything, from us to our lives, to things we want to do, to things we have done, jobs, business ideas, and what not. Months later, I went to Greece for a vacation and I found a 28 years old girl that I liked. We came back home and started to talk. She feared that a relationship with a guy that is 5 years younger wouldn’t go too far, but I wanted to show the world that "love" has no age boundaries. On top of that she was passing a very difficult time in her life, professinoally, so I thought she could use my help. At 23 I was quite successful on my own. She liked that and she accepted my help. She also decided for a relationship between the two of us. Things started to look nice. We were having sex two to three times per month. (Although I wanted more than that, I thought -- who am I to ask for more? what if she doesn't like it and she'll throw me away? what if it's going to take another 2 years until I find someone. So I settled with what I was getting, although sex was never made out of passion between us. More like letting the demons out). Then I met her parents. Liked her dad a great lot. Then met her sister and some of her friends. Then we had our own group of friends. After a year, I got to talk to the first girl again. She recently told me that because I was such a dork back then, she decided to make me fall in love with her -- although she didn't want a relationship with me. Something happened. It was a summer evening. I talked to her online and she said she'd like to meet me. All she wanted was a kiss and then she will never contact me again. Told me where to come. I said I'm not sure I'll be there, but since I was somehow in the area -- I was supposed to visit my girlfriend -- I said I might. She was there waiting for me. We talked for half an hour and then I finally gave up resisting her. I kissed her. Never in my life did I feel so many butterflies. She was shivering when I was playing with her hair. We kissed for 5 minutes, I think, then she said to go to an apartment her parents' have. We'd have had vodka and watch a movie (porn, I think). I managed to resist this, having in mind that I am not the cheating type. So I decided I can't do it. I went to my girlfriend's apartment and acted like nothing happened. In the meantime we had a holiday with our friends in Croatia. We fought badly ... for aparently no reason (all of our friends said it started from nothing). She never suspected me meeting with that girl, so that wasn't the case either. We just didn't click that day and we had a terrible fight: if we wouldn't have been on a vacation we, probably, would've split. All my friends told me recently, don’t you remember the problems you had in Croatia? We all thought it will never work out between you and her ... Time passed and then my girlfriend was 30. The day she was thirty (I was 25), she had a breakdown. Something like "when am I going to have a baby, life is passing by, I am not yet married" sort of things. I was the only one who managed to calm her down. She was fighting everyone (family, friends) during that day, asked them to leave her alone. But she didn't tell anyone the real reason of her breakdown. They all thought it was because the soup was too hot. From that point, things turned a bit. Happiness was harder and harder to find. We did have our moments whenever we went for a vacation: be it a three days city break or a week at the seaside. We had good food, wandered the streets, but that was about it. Still no sign of the sex. But hey, you're tired after a long day, right? We were away from our daily problems, and it was looking like we were happy. However, I felt pressure from everyone: her, her sister, her mom and dad (although they never said it to me), etc etc. In the meantime, I never stopped talking to the other girl. Every three months it was like we were taking 24 hours breaks from whatever we were doing and we chatted and talked on the phone A LOT about us. It was like we wanted to know everything that happened with eachother. We also talked a lot of fun stuff: jokes, scenarios, etc etc. And one night when my girlfriend was away on business I decided to invite the girl for some hot chocolate in town. I did. We had great fun. She talked 90% of the time, I listened and made jokes. Then when I took her home I asked her to kiss me. She said no. She was in a relationship. A happy one, and she couldn't cheat. So although I tried, and we both had butterflies in our stomach just thinking that we'd be kissing again, under the same tree, we didn't. So what next? Our friends in our group started to get married. A couple this year, another couple next year. And I was already 27. Add to this the fact that I had it in my ears weekly, "if you're not going to marry me, at least let's have a baby", and I decided to make the step. I proposed on New Year's Eve and we made plans for the wedding in July (7 months later). During this time, my chats with the other girl were just as often except that I was ommitting to say I'm getting married. So I got married in July. That's when things started to get really bad. We started fighting more and more, and most of the time from unimportant stuff. But she always ended up talking about how I don't give her enough attention (although I did) and how the group is always very important (I agree, the group was important for me at the time -- I was not getting the affection I needed at home, so had to spend whatever extra time I had, with our group, partying or whatnot). She even had BIG FIGHTS with my family. Twice. Once my mom brought her a present and she said she didn't want it (that's the long story short, but imagine a room with my mom, dad, with her and me, and discussing that she doesn't want the present? Dad was yellow angry, mom was upset). The other big fight, we were traveling to my cousin's wedding to Rome, and my aunt gave my mom a bouquet of roses for my wife. My wife again, rejected it, in front of other family members and said she will never ever again travel with her abroad. That she's a terrible person. I felt like a biiiig idiot having to deal with all that, but I managed. I tried to explain to her that she could've taken the gifts and throw them in the garbage can when we got home, rather than creating the two difficult situations. She never understood. Kept saying that my mom insisted on her having the present and having the flowers. She simply didn't like it. So she didn't take it. It was better for her to react like that rather than keeping a safe environment. I am such a calm guy. I never yell, I always try to explain things and I ALWAYS do it in my own yard, alone with her. Fights are not for others to see. So I let her win every time. I even fought my mom one day, telling her that it's my wife I need to live 24/7 and it's her that I need to have a good life with. I even told her that she would have to play by my wife's rules if she wanted to have a decent relationship between us. She accepted my behavior and what I told her mainly because of her love for me. Fast forward to November last year, my wife got pregnant. I thought I was prepared. I thought a child would make things better between us. I thought since I was one of the first in our group of friends to have a baby, I'd get some sort of a medal for ... my achievement. None of that happened. Instead, our sex life became almost inexistent. We went from once or twice per month (no passion, just quick stuff to take things out, and imagine we were a newlywed couple) to NONE per month. Last time I had anything sexual with my wife was in January this year. One day after three months I went THAT low that I told my wife that I would accept anything from her, anything sexual, just so I could feel like we're still a couple. She said no, and showed me the bathroom door. It felt sooo bad, and although I needed sex BADLY, I still managed to stay away from cheating my wife. The wife that wouldn't do anything for her husband other than going to her job, watching TV when home and eating. I don't blame her at all for that, but some attention, some affection? Was I asking for too much? (I actually asked for all these) A few months later, in May, things took a U turn. The girl from my youth, my soulmate, called me again. First call was in December asking me to take her out for tea coz it’s been such a long time since we last saw eachother. I said I'll try after I finish my traveling (India 2 weeks,UK one week, they all happened in December). I had no time. Then she asked to meet in January, but I had to be in the US for a week, then in Bulgaria for another week. Again, I couldn't do it. She decided to delete me from her phone and from her addressbook, because she was feeling bad, me not making time a few hours to meet. She did that, but sometime in May, out of the blue, she found my name on a file. She always had my number and my email stored in her mind (told me I’m one of the very few) so she contacted me once again. I told her I’ve been a complete ******* and that I would really like to take her out for tea. Next day I was driving and decided to give her a call and settle on a place to meet. We talked for like 45 minutes. She was in the same relationship I mentioned above (4 years and a half, almost) and I had the guts to tell her I am married. There was a moment of silence. She couldn't say anyting other than "you're married? are you kidding me?" I explained how things went and she said "okay". We finally met. It was night and I was driving. Stopped in a big parking lot at the mall. She said, "now that you're married, there is only ONE thing that I would like from you, nothing more, I just want to kiss you once again, like we did at the tree". I said I can't. I knew that if I was going to kiss her, the butterflies would return and I would be doomed. I managed to resist for MORE than an hour. She almost jumped on me. Eventually I went out of the car, told her I will get back in only if she calms down, coz I don't want to kiss. I did allow her to give me one kiss on my cheek, but that was it. I felt nothing. Then I lied I need to pick-up someone from the airport and I gotta go. Left her home and then drove home, as well. I got 20 text messages that she's such a stupid woman that she fell in love with me, that all she wanted was a kiss, etc etc. I was afraid. I was afraid of the things she could do, afterall I had a pregnant wife. So I tried to stay away from her. One week later, I had to leave for Slovenia by car. While I was in my country, I talked to her for more than 5 hours. And for some reason I didn’t feel THAT guilty anymore. I told her to meet me in the middle of the country when I'd get back home, at a pension house in the mountains. That's where it all started. She came, but wasn't really capable of doing much. We didn't have sex, but the kissing was just the way I remembered it: butterflies in the whole room, Hell, butterflies in the whole building. We talked all night, she was the same girl I knew: smiling (she has suuuuch a great smile), optimistic, positive vibes. Next day I felt bad for what I did. I decided to go home and forget about it. But I couldn't. We saw eachother, again. And again. One night we even tried to have sex. But I couldn't. I thought I have errectile problems after such a long break. She didn't care about it. We were having a great time simply kissing and talking hours and hours. After almost a month (begining of June) things started to evolve. We were having sex. Great sex. Best sex EVER. For both of us. And I'm not just saying this to convince you. I am saying this because it felt that way. I felt passion, I felt caring, I felt lust, all at the same time. I felt like we're ... soul-mates. While first I only wanted her to be someone who would take care of me (something my wife never wanted to do), I was falling in love with that woman. And I was falling in love, BADLY. It felt so good to be with her. She's great looking, she's young, she's extreeeemly smart (lawyer) and on top of these all, she's having a great time with me. But we both had our problems. She was unhappy in a 4.5 years relationship with a guy that was violent (both verbally and physically) to her, didn't appreciate her much but kept saying that he loves her. I was in a relationship where I wasn't happy with my wife although we were expecting a baby. That didn't keep us from spending long weekends in the mountains, or at my other apartment. From going out to restaurants where no one could see us, and stuff like that. Fast forward to nowadays, me and my wife have a baby boy called Alex. He's only two weeks old, healthy and very hungry But I can't live in this house anymore. It's 60km from the big city I was living in. I know no one in here, I have absolutely no friends, no people to talk to other than my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law (the joy of having a duplex house) and literally no escape. I still can't understand how I ended up living in this miserable city, but I did. I got carried away, like I did with my marriage decision and the having-a-baby decision. I never weighted much. I wanted to do a good deed. Now if I look back (and I would've felt absolutely the same with or without the other woman in my life now), I feel like I did all these things for my wife. To make HER happy, not me. I was never prepared at 27 to propose, I was never prepared at 28 to have a child. But the mistakes are mine and I will now have to live with them. I know many of you will say what a bad person I am, and how sellfish I am, but I would like you to understand that I was blind all these years. I never knew what a REAL relationship is: I just thought you need to be friends to make it – believe me, that’s not the only thing you need. I never knew what love feels -- just thought I did (not saying that what I feel for the other woman is really love, just saying that if love feels like what I feel for her now, it’s soooooo very amazing). My wife never cared for me. She said to me from the begining, don't expect me to be what your mom is for you. And I was too proud to say that I want affection and sentiments. I did a big mistake and now there are people who will suffer. I am looking at my wife and I know it will devastate her when I'll tell her I want a divorce. I am looking at my little one, and although I can't seem to attach emotinally to him yet, I know he will, eventually, feel bad that his father wasn't there in the house, all the time. On the other hand, I am JUST as certain that the problems with my wife will never change. She's that sort of person that always gets into a conflict at work, always gets into a conflict with people in our group or outside our group. She's that sort of person who likes to make people believe that she doesn't need support and she's doing very well on her own. She's too proud to say "i'm sorry", she's too proud to say "it was my mistake". Actually she never did ... I'm not here only for advice, I'm here to have my say. I know what my options are: 1) Continue to live with my wife and take care of my son, although she will never change (she might change for a couple of weeks, to keep me here, but it will never change because she understands what was wrong and what needs to change, and we’ll be back at square one soon). That's a miserable life, and I am 100% sure we'll end up divorcing sooner or later .... 2) Break up, divorce and try to find happiness in other places (if ever possible), while still taking care of my son -- which I know will not be the same, as if I was living under the same roof. It's probably the toughest period of my life. I'm lost. Last 10 days have been terrible to a point I can't explain. I don't want to live here anymore, I want my chance for happiness, but I can't exclude little Alex from that happiness. Makes me scream, but I'm calm as a mountain (except that there's a volcano inside). Crying helps. It was about time I got this off my chest! PS: my wife doesn't want to do counseling, I told her a few times to see a psychologist (especially when she had those fights with my mom, and some with me), she was even more irritated that I thought of that. Sorry for the long story, if any of you care to comment after reading this "book" above, I really appreciate it.
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