You ask her out on a date, but you get this response.....

[irc333]

......

 

"I'm not looking to date right now, but how about we can go out as friends?"

 

And I'm kinda hesitant on responding, I'll go "sure"....and I'll go out with them without any expectations.

 

But I jsut wonder if it's just a defense mechanism of theirs, their INITIAL reaction, so when you go out with them "as friends" only then they will size you up as a partner?

 

Some women just don't like call outings with men "dates" for some reason.

 

Just been kind of my story lately with women asking them out. I seem to always get, "We can go out as friends, okay?"

 

I mean, I don't want to say, "NO, it's NOT okay!!"

LOL

[EasyHeart]

It means: "I'm not looking to date you, but I'll let you take me out and entertain me because I might meet a guy who I am looking to date while I'm out with you."

[smudge21]

If you like them and can see them being fun to hang out with then do it, hang out as friends but accept that's all they want and continue looking elsewhere for love.

 

I've had this and if I think she may be interesting to know then I go for it - nothing ventured nothing gained. It did backfire once: we hung out as friends and it lasted for nearly a month, really good too, but she'd said at the beginning she was only interested in friendship. So eventually I meet someone through her friends (I get introduced to her by my friend) and me and this other girl start getting to know each other and eventually hit it off and start dating. First girl suddenly turns round and gets angry and jealous. Sorry but you'd made it clear and never said anything else since then, so I'd put her in the friend only zone by then.

 

I guess my point is, that although they may say friends only, they may not mean it. But until you know for definite, just take it as what it is and have some fun. Men and women can be friends you know.

[snug.bunny]

......

 

"I'm not looking to date right now, but how about we can go out as friends

 

Translation: "I am not interested in dating you".....Which means, "I am not attracted to you in a romantic way".

 

The male version of this would be: "I am not looking for a relationship at this time"... Which means, "I am not interested in having a relationship with you".

[irc333]

I've had this and if I think she may be interesting to know then I go for it - nothing ventured nothing gained. It did backfire once: we hung out as friends and it lasted for nearly a month, really good too, but she'd said at the beginning she was only interested in friendship. So eventually I meet someone through her friends (I get introduced to her by my friend) and me and this other girl start getting to know each other and eventually hit it off and start dating. First girl suddenly turns round and gets angry and jealous. Sorry but you'd made it clear and never said anything else since then, so I'd put her in the friend only zone by then.

 

I guess my point is, that although they may say friends only, they may not mean it. But until you know for definite, just take it as what it is and have some fun. Men and women can be friends you know.

Yeah, I actually don't get as disappointed when I hear that response as much as I used to, and see it as an opportunity for something else.

 

Networking, building social capital, etc.

 

But yeah, kind of a shame what happened there with your friend. Backfired.

 

Problem was she was a game player or not a good communicator.

 

Or she probably was used to having you around, you grew on her, and then she was upset when you found a love interest.

 

Their feelings aren't in sync with what they should've said to you.

 

Now, I will NOT Spend money on a woman who says this to me, if we DO go out, we go dutch......most of the women so far have been for that. I hear about other situations where men paid anyways....weird.

[ThsAmericanLife]

... or she doesn't want you trying to put your tongue down her throat on the first date... and making plans for what alot of men think is supposed to happen by date #3 or sooner.

 

Asking to be friends first is now the way to get guys to keep their hands to themselves long enough to get to know them... and gauge legitimate interest.

 

If you are interested in getting to know her better as a human being, then you will not care what she calls it. If all you care about is getting in her shorts, then by all means, say no....

[phineas]

... or she doesn't want you trying to put your tongue down her throat on the first date... and making plans for what alot of men think is supposed to happen by date #3 or sooner.

 

Asking to be friends first is now the way to get guys to keep their hands to themselves long enough to get to know them... and gauge legitimate interest.

 

If you are interested in getting to know her better as a human being, then you will not care what she calls it. If all you care about is getting in her shorts, then by all means, say no....

 

If she's attracted to the guy & places a high value on him, she would NEVER offer just friends. I'd bet money on it.

 

LOL! at the "getting to know her as a human being" Stop watching Disney movies.

 

When I weighed 215 at 5'8" all I got was "let's be friends" I told each of those women I had enough friends & cut contact. I don't care to feed attention whores.

 

8 months later I weigh 170 (still 5'8") and almost EVERY one of those women have been contacting me out of the blue telling me they miss me, blah,blah,blah they want to hang out or watch a movie, blowing up my damn phone now that i'm skinny when before it took them a day to respond to me.

 

Hell, i've had 2 of them come over for a movie & they damn near raped me!

With the exception of their jaw hitting the ground a few weeks before when they saw the new me, i'd had zero contact with these women this yr!

 

Women are not delicate flowers to be cherished. They are sexual creatures that only want to be friends with guys they don't want to have sex with.

 

Do you think if OP looked like Bradly Cooper she'd tell him "I'm not looking to date?"

 

OP, you got the right attitude, use her to network. If she really wants to be friends, cool she shouldn't have a problem setting you up with her friends or being your wing woman. But i've yet to run into a woman the truely wants to be friends because as soon as another woman catches my eye & I catch hers the cock-blocking starts or she all of a sudden decides she wants to date then strings me along for the attention. So make sure she knows there are only two options. Just friends & more than friends. if you are wondering, more than friends = sex.

[stillafool]

I agree it means they are not interested in a romantic relationship with you. If you do take them up on their offer to hang out as friends, make sure you go "ductch" on everything.

[Star Gazer]

It means: "I'm not looking to date you, but I'll let you take me out and entertain me because I might meet a guy who I am looking to date while I'm out with you."

 

THIS. Exactly right.

 

Translation: "I am not interested in dating you".....Which means, "I am not attracted to you in a romantic way".

 

The male version of this would be: "I am not looking for a relationship at this time"... Which means, "I am not interested in having a relationship with you".

 

Difference being, with the male translation, "I'm not looking for a relationship at this time [aka with you," could still mean, "But I'll have sex with you!"

 

Whereas when a woman says she's not looking to date, she's not interested in anything romantic or sexual, period.

[phineas]

 

 

Difference being, with the male translation, "I'm not looking for a relationship at this time [aka with you," could still mean, "But I'll have sex with you!"

 

Whereas when a woman says she's not looking to date, she's not interested in anything romantic or sexual, period.

 

Yep but it's funny how when some men & women will still go through the motions to try & get what they want from the other person.

 

I've learned to just move on myself.

[grkBoy]

......

 

"I'm not looking to date right now, but how about we can go out as friends?"

 

And I'm kinda hesitant on responding, I'll go "sure"....and I'll go out with them without any expectations.

 

But I jsut wonder if it's just a defense mechanism of theirs, their INITIAL reaction, so when you go out with them "as friends" only then they will size you up as a partner?

 

Some women just don't like call outings with men "dates" for some reason.

 

Just been kind of my story lately with women asking them out. I seem to always get, "We can go out as friends, okay?"

 

I mean, I don't want to say, "NO, it's NOT okay!!"

LOL

 

Sorry dude, I don't buy it. I've had women hand me excuses like that for years, even claiming they're getting over someone. Two weeks later they're calling some new guy "boyfriend" as if they never had any issues.

 

Either accept the friendzone and let go, or reject it and tell her you wanted to date her and going out as "just friends" isn't a good idea with you. Be polite, but stand your ground.

 

She's not going to magically fall for you over time and/or play the "friends first" thing. I would not even be surprised if she either hangs out with you once or not at all...suddenly you can't seem to get her to pick up the phone or reply to your emails.

 

Sorry to be so negative, but I have enough experience in this situation to know better. She won't just say she doesn't want to date you or isn't interested in you because she fears you starting drama or hounding her for a valid reason. I know you're not the type of guy to do that, but these girls don't know...and have unfortunately dealt with a few bad apples who made things a mess for the rest of us.

[EasyHeart]

THIS. Exactly right.

Now if I could only teach all women to say this. . . .

[grkBoy]

I actually agree with you guys. I love the honest answer. I used to complain a lot about why women kept coming up with these excuses and lies when saying you're not into a guy is so much easier and closes up the discussion.

 

The problem though is the men here in this topic might be the rational ones, but a lot of our brethren are not.

 

After pushing, I managed one day to get a straight answer out of women as to why they come up with the excuses. Here's what I found and why I blame my own gender on SOME of it.

 

1) They feel terrible about rejecting a guy they know "looks good on paper". I'm not going to get into right or wrong on this, and this is one I don't like and think is cowardly to do, but many women see this guy who might be decent looking, sweet, kind, smart, stable, etc...but they don't feel anything for them. Maybe the girl has a lust for jerks or just isn't into him for some logical emotional reason. She still doesn't feel good about simply saying she's not into him "like that" and thus comes up with the excuse to "protect his feelings".

 

2) The guy is the type who will not take "no" for an answer. She could have tried to give him the honest answer, but he believes "no means maybe" or "persistence pays off".

 

He might become insecure and suddenly get into this session of trying to get a clear reason "why" she won't go out with him, even trying to convince her that any reason she comes up with is illogical and she should give him a shot. So her saying "I just don't feel that way about you" gets an insecure reply of how she barely knows him and is judging him too harshly and unfairly.

 

Others just keep thinking that just because she said "no" now, she might change her mind later. He'll try asking her out over and over, or wait til she's broken up with some guy and think she might "come around" and give him a shot, or just try once after a long period, thinking she might change her mind because she's not finding any other guy.

 

3) The guy turns into a little baby and starts drama. So she gives the honest answer to an adult-aged male, but he apparently is only adult-aged physically. He'll call her something terrible like a "c**t" or "b***h" or just say she's shallow and deserves to be alone. Seen some who then try to turn mutual friends against her, or they stalk/harass her online. He simply decided to turn her from the object of his affection to a target of hate. Seen even one continually harass her even when she started dating another guy. He confronted them and I'm happy to say the new guy kicked his arse when he tried to throw a fist.

 

 

It's unfortunate there are bad apples who make this harder.

[Casablanca]

I'd still hang out with her (go dutch obviously)...there are 4 things that could happen

1)You make a new friend

2)She changes her mind (the least likely of the 4 and very unlikely) about you once she got to know you over time

3)She sets you up with one of her friends down the line (second least likely)

4)Nothing happens, no friendship, yadda yadda yadda

 

so I'd say 3 of those 4 are good things...just dont go in expecting anything other than outcome 1 or 4 and there will be no problems and try to have some fun...that is what I would do

[Ruby Slippers]

Difference being, with the male translation, "I'm not looking for a relationship at this time [aka with you," could still mean, "But I'll have sex with you!"

 

Whereas when a woman says she's not looking to date, she's not interested in anything romantic or sexual, period.

Yes, but some of these women will take as much money (spent on dinner, etc.) and attention as the guy "friend" is foolish enough to give.

[grkBoy]

I'd still hang out with her (go dutch obviously)...there are 4 things that could happen

1)You make a new friend

2)She changes her mind (the least likely of the 4 and very unlikely) about you once she got to know you over time

3)She sets you up with one of her friends down the line (second least likely)

4)Nothing happens, no friendship, yadda yadda yadda

 

so I'd say 3 of those 4 are good things...just dont go in expecting anything other than outcome 1 or 4 and there will be no problems and try to have some fun...that is what I would do

 

You have the ideal attitude. The trick for many is to not get emotionally attached to the girl early on, so you could be friends and not feel rejected.

[robertdawson]

Well, to me it sounds like she isn't attracted to you. Could be she wants to just casually hang out though first before deciding if she wants to do anything else.

 

What could it hurt to go out with her? Just DO NOT pay for her stuff and assume all she is going to be is your friend.

Edited August 7, 2011 by robertdawson

[Eeyore79]

She thinks you're a nice person (hence the offer of friendship) but isn't physically attracted to you enough to date you. This can sometimes change as she gets to know you better, but don't count on it.

[irc333]

I know you're not the type of guy to do that, but these girls don't know...and have unfortunately dealt with a few bad apples who made things a mess for the rest of us.

Good point, I have this guy friend that's does very well with getting along with EVERYONE. He seems to have ambassador-like qualities when asking to spend time with someone, or just asking them to join a group of friends.

 

He has some women drop off the planet after he's asked them, as he puts it, his attempt to spend time alone with her. If she doesn't, he knew that she is just one of those types of women who will think, "Hm he asked me out, now I can't attend functions nor look him in the anymore."

 

Yeah, some women get wierded out once a guy they were just trying to be social with, asks them out, then all contact is lost.

 

I know VERY few women that have gone through guys trying to ask them out, and they weren't interested in them in THAT way, but were cool about it even afterwards, and remained friends "with decent boundaries" afterwards.

 

Usually these women tend to get along better with men than women, and are bit on the tomboy-ish side or more down to earth.

 

I have a female friend that has a lot of guy friends she hangs out with. She doesn't manipulate them at all or tries to use them for attention. Just decent company.

 

However I do know this one 50 year old woman that tends to have a lot of "guy" friends, that she claims that are overly protective of her when they come to a bar together when strange men try to approach her, and she's tickled by "how cute it is" when they're trying to protect her. I think they're more so trying to vie for her attention, thinking playing the "body guard" role, trying to romanticize the whole "Bodyguard" movie role. LOL

 

But that's another story.

[irc333]

After pushing, I managed one day to get a straight answer out of women as to why they come up with the excuses.

 

Almost near impossible to do. Trying to get a woman's point of view from a woman is near impossible.

 

I have a guy friend that thought he would be able to get a decent answer from a women, he did I suppose.

 

When the same women started to flake out on HIM later on as well. To ask advice from a woman could be biased, so you'll never get a straight answer about the TRUE nature from a woman from most women....because they, too might be guilty of the same kind of behavior.

 

That's like asking a thief why they steal. (Not sure if that's a good comparison, but I'm too tired to come up with a better one, lol)

[Cypress25]

I have a question. Since all men seem to think it's unacceptable for a woman to tell a white lie in order to reject a man politely, what do men say to women they're not interested in? If a woman asked you out and you weren't attracted to her, what would you tell her?

[thatone]

I have a question. Since all men seem to think it's unacceptable for a woman to tell a white lie in order to reject a man politely, what do men say to women they're not interested in? If a woman asked you out and you weren't attracted to her, what would you tell her?

 

no thanks?

 

only in your mind is lying to people polite.

[Cypress25]

Oh please, people tell white lies all the time to avoid hurting someone's feelings. Like the way "You're not my type" really means "I think you're ugly." Or the way "Of course that dress doesn't make you look fat" really means "Everything you wear makes you look fat." Anyone with good social skills knows how to be tactful.

 

And I seriously doubt you would actually say "No thanks" to a woman who asked you out. What if she didn't phrase it as a question? What if she just kept hitting on you, and you had to tell her something to get her to stop? Would you really say "I don't find you attractive, so please leave me alone"?

 

Men always say they wish women would just be honest, but if women suddenly did start being brutally honest, men wouldn't like that either. No one wants to hear "You're unattractive" every time they ask someone out. Besides, saying that would make most women feel horrible, especially if he's a nice guy. And it's not fair to put women in a position where they're forced to say something that makes them feel horrible. You choose to take a risk when you ask someone out, you don't get to specify how you'd like to be rejected. She lies to you because she's a nice person, she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. And it's only men who see an offer of friendship as a bad thing. Most women think friendship is a good thing.

[alphamale]

......

 

"I'm not looking to date right now, but how about we can go out as friends?"

never ever go out with a chick as "friends"...