laughing at someone behind his/her back -- have you ever?...

[yes]

i'm wondering how many of you (this is an anonymous forum so plz be honest!) have been nice to someone's face and then laughed at them with someone else. if you don't mind, plz give brief details of the circumstances.

 

the reason i ask is - i've been taught by my family that people do that (be nice then laugh at you while telling someone else about you), which contributed greatly to my fear of opening up to people. however, a part of me believes or wants to believe that it's not true, that when i feel close and open with someone, they won't go laugh at what i've shared with them behind my back.

 

thanks,

-yes

[Tony T]

"i've been taught by my family that people do that (be nice then laugh at you while telling someone else about you."

 

Some people, but mostly very immature worms, do this. But most people are more concerned with their own lives and their own problems to spend an inordinate amount of time talking about other people.

 

There's an old saying: "Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about events and mediocre people talk about other people." I don't think we should ever be concerned about what idiots say about us because, first, we have no control over what other people say and, second, what other people say has no affect on us whatsoever unless it's the truth.

 

Opening up to people is a matter of trust and you lose out a lot on life if you don't do it. In order to have fulfilling relationships that go somewhat beyond a superficial level, you have to share your inner thoughts sometimes...with people you think can handle them...with people you know well and won't judge you. Certain things you must share with people you feel certain won't repeat stuff.

 

Yes, sometimes you can get burned. But if you don't get burned once in a while, it means you haven't been born yet.

 

Most people who are so inclined laugh at me right to my face. I sort of like that and respect that. But, as you get older, you really don't care whether they laugh at you in your face, behind your back or at the bottom of the Dempsey Dumpster.

[moimeme]

Yes, you need to develop a thick skin. If somebody is miserable enough to do something that low, then that person is not worth your consideration at all, much less your getting upset over it.

 

that when i feel close and open with someone, they won't go laugh at what i've shared with them behind my back.

 

Tony's right; few people do that sort of thing, but even if you encountered one or two who did, what you are worried about is being thought foolish - and so what? You know old Albert Ellis? In one of his books he suggests people go out in public and do odd things (not arrestable things or frightening things, just kind of unusual things) to draw attention to themselves. The whole point being to learn to be thought foolish and not care.

 

You don't go spilling your inner secrets to anyone and everyone. You wait to get to know someone, and usually self-revelation is a mutual process; the other person tells you some things, you tell some things, and, depending on the nature of the relationship, you trust each other more and more. You reserve some things for very few, very trusted people - they are the things that are close to your heart and which, if abused, could hurt you.

 

Essentially, trust is a reciprocal issue; theoretically you could just as easily laugh at what the other person has told you as you could be laughed at so you each bear risks when you open up to someone else.

[yes]

thanks for your replies, Tony and Moi! it was hard for me to bring up this issue, so i'm grateful for your thoughtful replies.

 

that sounded very encouraging and comforting. i only began opening up to people recently, and discovered what a mutual process it is - because they began to open up right back. i'm still a bit lost when it comes to how gradual the process is - sometimes i feel like we're fairly close, yet the next time i see the person i feel like just an acquintance... i suppose i'll get better at maneuvering in this with more practice.

 

what i'm afraid of is, in addition to being laughed at - because that would mean a huge error in judgement on my part (but like tony said, can't be not burnt) ... somebody disclosing details that could hurt me (e.g. about my relationships) ... and of course laughing right to my face - i'm afraid i wouldn't be able to defend myself, i'd just get upset and leave (and that's not so bad, now that i imagine it).

 

thanks,

-yes

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by yes

i'm wondering how many of you (this is an anonymous forum so plz be honest!) have been nice to someone's face and then laughed at them with someone else. if you don't mind, plz give brief details of the circumstances.

-yes

 

I did a few times, I'm not very proud of it but i'm not feeling any guilty either.

 

Circumstances: I had been nice to them and *then* I found out they were hitting on someone I was dating. I warned anyone knew them, while doing so I spread the details (all true) of their hitting on my bf. Which made them look *very* ridicolous.

 

But I prefer laughing in people's faces, if I have to.

 

Using personal confessions to laugh at who made them with other people is *disgusting*. People who have an habit of doing that are scum.

[yes]

ohh that's different - you found out _later_; and if i knowingly hit on someone's bf, i'd feel like i deserve to be talked about nastily.

 

thanks for your input!

-yes

 

PS I think I've laughed at someone behind their back. It was a person i barely knew, and she talked about private stuff to me. Later, I was talking to someone else who knows her, and we were discussing how easily she talks about private issues to people she barely knows. Now that I think of it, we weren't laughing at her - just discussing her openness. We didn't even disclose any details, only the topics of what she shared with us. Hm, I think it was OK, after all.

[Tony T]

moimeme writes: "You know old Albert Ellis? In one of his books he suggests people go out in public and do odd things (not arrestable things or frightening things, just kind of unusual things) to draw attention to themselves."

 

I've never really had to do that. Odd behavior is pretty much my standard.

[yes]

haha, Tony, - same here, I think. People have even told me many times that I do things kind of like everyone else, but with an odd twist.

 

-yes

[brashgal]

If I am going to talk about someone behind their back I say things that I would not be embarrassed to say to that person's face.

[tattoomytoe]

yes.....there is a woman here at the office, she is odd to say the least, but we have a very good friendship. i cat-sit, house-sit, she does the same for me.....but she can be the the biggest flake ever! and i have spoken of this behind her back before...i do not really do it now, since we are friends and it just doesn't seem right.

 

but i hate when people talk bad about other people..., especially fat people, as i have been in that catogory.

 

but yes i do say bad things..but normally it is someone i either do not know from adam, or it is someone i do not like anyways.

 

but like i have said before, i have trust issues, there is not one person that knoews everything about me, i would rather not tell, that way i know somethings are safe. when i do decide to tell a secret, or anything that can cause me to be vulnerable, i do so with caution(unless i am really drunk).

[HokeyReligions]

I remember back in Jr. High and I was trying to 'fit in' with some people that I would join them in laughing or putting someone down after they walked away. I also remember being told by someone that after I had walked away the remaining group began putting me down and laughing at the 'stupid questions' I had asked, laughing at my looks, at how dumb they thought I was, etc.---all the things they said about others who tried to 'fit in' and make friends--even about each other.

 

I told my mother that and she said that is why I must never trust anyone but myself. I was ashamed for not standing up for myself or standing out against that kind of childish behavior. I remember that group and it continued through high school and probably beyond.

 

In the work place I've had to interact with some serious back-stabbers. I worked one place for 8 years and seldom went to lunch with anyone because all they did was talk about others. I went one time with a woman who told me intimate details about another woman (one of her best friends there) and someone who I knew, but I knew that other woman would NEVER tell me about her sex life and her marriage, and all the things that her so-called friend was telling me about at lunch. I didn't gossip or laugh at anyone and sometimes I was excluded. I took it personally for a while, but I got over it when I realized I was upset because I wasn't the kind of person I didn't want to be anyway!

 

I don't laugh about people behind their backs or participate in personal gossip. Its not productive or entertaining and can be quite harmful.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Yes, I did in 4th grade. and I felt awful about it later. I don't do it anymore, but...

 

I have this weird thing where I am really ashamed if I don't like someone else. Almost as if I have to force myself to like them. So I'll be gratingly cheery with them or excessively polite as if to cover up my dislike for them. God forbid if they actually knew! I hate this saccharine fakeness, but haven't found a more acceptable remedy.

[meanon]

If you know someone really well, often it is their quirks, their foibles that are most endearing. So with mutual friends it's natural to laugh about them but only if you know they would not be hurt if they heard what you said. I know my friends discuss me when I am not there but I don't mind as I know the laughter will always be affectionate.

[yes]

meanon: affectionate laughter is great; i was talking about put-down kind of laughter and making fun of someone.

 

caterpillar: i'm kind of opposite of you! if i don't like someone, they'll know it, i can't help but show it even though i stay perfectly polite and friendly. it's kind of good for me - they feel my negativity and stay away. so i guess my advice is not to hide your displeasure without becoming impolite or unfriendly, if that makes any sense to you

 

thanks for the replies!

-yes

[monkey00]

-yes

 

 

first off Tony gave a great reply and it hit the spot - but i'd like to add a few extras.

 

ppl like to gossip just cause it's something they like to do, or they ahve too much time on their hands.

you dont have to be in any part of it, waht they decide to do or talk about is up to them.

 

just remember, what comes around goes around. if someone is taking part of talkinga bout someone. one of these days that person will be talked about by someone else.

 

you shouldnt let what your parents say affect you negatively. You cant keep hiding in fear.

embrace your fears and dont let it get the best of you. that's the thing about life, you'll have to face the cold hard reality of it sooner or later.

 

believing in this and allowing it to influence you negatively is only hindering your growth as an individual. but that's up to you to decide, you're a grown person, live your life to the fullest. dont let this deprive you of meeting new ppl, and trusting them. how can someone trust you if you dont trust them?

 

i know there may have been times where the ppl i hang out w/talked about me behind my back or possibly laughed too, but i could care less and it doesnt bug me one bit.

 

truthfully, i dont like gossip of ppl bhind their backs. just mind your own business, i dont have the time to waste talking about others when i have my own priorities to get straight.

 

here's my philosophy: if someone has somsething to say, say it in their face, not behind their backs.

[heartattacked]

My belief is that any given human has done this at least once in their lives. People who say differently are either rewriting their own histories or just flat-out lying. I am, by nature, very misanthropic. I have a deep disdain for society, especially pop culture. But when it comes to individual people, I strangely find myself caring for them, sometimes perhaps caring for them too much. I live in a world of extremes, I'm not like many of the well-rounded folks out there.

 

The strange thing about backstabbing is that for me, I later rethink alot of the comments that were said about the person, and realize that the person really isn't like that. That is to say, I find myself not really disliking the person as much as the backstabbing session would make one believe. Because in reality, much of the cause of my hatred of mankind is an oversensitive nature in myself - and the terrible fear of me being laughed at by others. So, in retaliation, and in hate, I sometimes rip on others because I get so angry that I am stuck living inside of Myself. I truly hate others because in many ways I can't stand myself.

 

Backstabbing is also, unfortunately, a way to relieve stress. Often, the words sound much more severe than they are actually meant. We WANT to hate others perhaps more than we truly hate them. We want others to experience our frustrations and worries because we get so tired of dealing with them by ourselves. We hope that others will feel how aggravated we are with our own existences. We know it isn't fair to them, and at the time we don't care that it isn't fair to them. Later on, however, our thoughts can reveal a different story.

 

Lastly, I believe that much of backstabbing stems from a strong desire to fit in with others. If we believe someone to be cooler, or more popular, we ridicule them because it is the only way we can be a part of their world. If only for a few minutes, we become a part of their world by ridiculing their world.

[moimeme]

We WANT to hate others perhaps more than we truly hate them.

 

Perhaps you do. I'd prefer if you used 'I'.

 

much of backstabbing stems from a strong desire to fit in with others. If we believe someone to be cooler, or more popular, we ridicule them because it is the only way we can be a part of their world. If only for a few minutes, we become a part of their world by ridiculing their world.

 

But that is a terribly immature way to behave.

[heartattacked]

Point taken, I use "we" in a very broad, vague sense. I don't know any of you personally, obviously. As far as the last point being very immature, perhaps it is, but I would prefer to call it part of being human. Do you seriously think most people have risen above this? If so, you and I just disagree on the human condition.

[moimeme]

Do you seriously think most people have risen above this?

 

Plenty have. It's a question of maturity. If you are unable to appreciate yourself as an individual, I suppose you seek validation as a member of a group, but becoming independent is part of developing into a well-functioning adult.

[heartattacked]

Then I can only only reply with this: how truly independent are these "independent" people? Are you saying that they are so "mature" that they no longer seek assurances and support from others? Or are they just more sophisticated with their personalities that they only come off as being "mature"?

 

I just find it hard to believe that plenty of people are this independent. Alot of people show their insecurities in not so obvious ways. And if these people are so sure of themselves, I can practically guarantee you that they have only become so because of others - and not of themselves. For do you honestly believe that a person, subjected to nothing but harrassment and ridicule, will somehow still find inner strength to rise above all of that? I'm afraid that these people who you claim are so independent only became so by the help of others - perhaps their lots in life have been a little prettier than others.

 

So what I'm proposing to you is this: no one is truly independent, you know the saying "no man is an island"? You may get the impression of independence from said person, but rest assured that person has become mature and confident with much help from others - whether in the past or in the present.

[yes]

I agree that everyone has SOME insecurities. The level of maturity determines how they deal with them. Mature people know their insecurities well and aren't terrified of showing them to those they trust.

 

People who're independent are still obviously AFFECTED by others; but their self-value doesn't depend on what others think of them. It's not that they value themselves highly - they simply don't value on a scale of good/bad; they simply ARE, they respect themselves, and live however they see best. Criticism (constructive) is welcome, but they're not afraid to disagree. Hence, they don't need to blab about others to feel they belong to any group, or to make themselves feel better. Similarly, they don't judge others in any way other than - do I get along with this person? do i trust him/her? do i want to be friends or lovers? This is very different from judging the way many less mature people do. Sure, they could still say - "that person is someone i could never get along with", but they'd never say "that person is like, OMG, so irritating; did you see her face when X spoke to her?! OMG".

 

Prettier or uglier lot in life has nothing to do with this. People who're very demeaned by their families often grow to become way more independent than those whose family was very supportive and hence they're used to depending on others for their self-value.

 

Moreover, I don't think TOO MANY people are this mature, but some are! I've been lucky enough to meet some of them And, my hope is, that I am on my way to becoming one of 'em!!

 

my 2c,

-yes

[heartattacked]

Yes,

I just see the world, and people, in a bleaker fashion. I do agree that there are more independent people out there, that's obvious. My objection is just that I don't think anyone's self-value is completely independent from what others think of them, no matter the age or maturity level of the person. This idea just sounds too good to be true. But you know, I could of course be wrong.

[yes]

heartattacked,

 

i agree that such people aren't too easy to find. i also agreed in my previous post that COMPLETE independence is likely impossible - but even 90% independence is pretty damn good. i believe people can consciously learn to be independent - i'm doing it: just two years ago, praise or criticism (from others or internal) would send my self-esteem flying up or down. These days, I listen to people, I think about the validity of their judgement, but it doesn't affect me NEARLY as much.

 

some days, i also have a pretty damn bleak view of the world. but there's a naive/pure part of me that loves the world, too. it's just a matter of digging through it all to find the good stuff (i.e. what works for you) !

 

-yes

[moimeme]

Have you reached your 20s yet, heartattacked?

[heartattacked]

I'm 30 years old. Instead of insulting, try providing rational thoughts on the matter. If you disagree with me, fine. I'm sure many others will agree with you. After all, your line of thought is very popular these days.