Lost on Jerseyshore Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Hi everyone, I am so happy I found this site for support. I have been reading though the posts to make it through the last week. My story; Live in BF and I have been together for just over 2 years, living together for the last year and just recently, last month moved into a new, bigger home. We are not kids. We are in our 40s and I have been divorced and have 2 older teen children who live with us. Well I really thought things were super duper wonderful, besides extreme stress from our move last month and 2 sick family members in the past month...oh and we were on a cruise also. So July was a very busy/stressful month. Well last Sunday he seemed down and I asked him what was wrong and he blurted out " I just dont know if I love you the same way anymore' Well I am devasted/broken hearted and so damn confused. We have talked everyday about this. Disscusions have gotten loud and lots of tears and begging to try and make it work. Many, Many of these talks end up being about HIS need for space, being single for 42 years before me and being such an independent person he is finding it hard to now be committed to a relationship, he feels like he has lost himself. He says he doesnt know if he can give me what I need in a relationship and saying maybe he is just meant to be a bachlor. UGH!! Oh and he talks about picking up some additional financial responsibilites that he didnt have when he was single. He is still at our home, he is saying he will try to stay to see if we can work it out but he said I need to face the fact that it might not work the way I want it to, that he feels my love is different then his love for me. I dont understand what to do or what he is going through. Please help, and tell me what the heck is going on here??? How can things be so perfect and then in 1 day my world comes tumbeling down and he tells me this is how he has felt for the last month?? Thanks everyone for the thoughts and support!!
wilsonx Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Hi everyone, I am so happy I found this site for support. I have been reading though the posts to make it through the last week. My story; Live in BF and I have been together for just over 2 years, living together for the last year and just recently, last month moved into a new, bigger home. We are not kids. We are in our 40s and I have been divorced and have 2 older teen children who live with us. Well I really thought things were super duper wonderful, besides extreme stress from our move last month and 2 sick family members in the past month...oh and we were on a cruise also. So July was a very busy/stressful month. Well last Sunday he seemed down and I asked him what was wrong and he blurted out " I just dont know if I love you the same way anymore' Well I am devasted/broken hearted and so damn confused. We have talked everyday about this. Disscusions have gotten loud and lots of tears and begging to try and make it work. Many, Many of these talks end up being about HIS need for space, being single for 42 years before me and being such an independent person he is finding it hard to now be committed to a relationship, he feels like he has lost himself. He says he doesnt know if he can give me what I need in a relationship and saying maybe he is just meant to be a bachlor. UGH!! Oh and he talks about picking up some additional financial responsibilites that he didnt have when he was single. He is still at our home, he is saying he will try to stay to see if we can work it out but he said I need to face the fact that it might not work the way I want it to, that he feels my love is different then his love for me. I dont understand what to do or what he is going through. Please help, and tell me what the heck is going on here??? How can things be so perfect and then in 1 day my world comes tumbeling down and he tells me this is how he has felt for the last month?? Thanks everyone for the thoughts and support!! If he is giving you this talk now, hes been feeling like this for a while, longer then last month. My second offering of advice is that he needs to leave or you need to leave. He is not going to try and fix the relationship. You are going to do all the work and if you are already not co-dependent, you will be by the time he finally does leave. It's a terrible situation. I am pretty sure he is gaslighting you as the real reason why he is breaking up with you (click on gaslighting for the definition). He is staying there right now because he is comfortable with you and safe. The relationship is over in his own words so its time for him to pack up and find a weekly hotel to sleep at if he doesn't have place yet. The sooner he's gone, the sooner you will be able to start the healing process and healing. No matter the real reason why he is leaving, it has nothing to do with you or in no way is it your fault. I want to say he changed but if he's in his 40s, Im pretty sure this is a reoccurring pattern in his life. You have to let him go and make sure that he goes. I know that you love him but if you truly love someone, you have to be able to let them go when they pull away from you. Good Luck
sedona Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) Wow. I've been living through that same scenario since February. Best relationship I've ever had (I thought), and then he suddenly tells me one night that he has a problem. I thought he had a stomachache or something, but no - he meant a problem in our relationship. I was taken completely off-guard. I had had NO idea. My guy has said things similar to what you wrote: that I love him more, he can't give me enough, maybe he just can't be in any long-term relationship. He's also an independent, very busy man. First, are you sure that he's telling you the truth? That he hasn't simply changed his mind, never loved you to begin with, or that there's another woman in the picture? Sorry, have to ask. You have to know what you're really dealing with. Or is it just cold feet - something temporary? If it really is fear of commitment, then begging and arguing won't work. That will push him away even more. He's somewhere where he needs some distance from you, which make you need to be closer to him, because you're scared and confused and need reassurance. But you're trying to be closer to him pushes him even further away. A vicious circle. Besides, you probably don't want to have to beg someone to stay in your life! He's said that he's willing to work on things. What exactly does he mean by this? What does he want to do? I agree with the wilsonx - this has probably been going on for a while without him having said anything. That means that it probably won't just vanish all by itself. You need to be strong and give him space. Let him know you're there, let him know what you want, but don't cling. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, I know. You should also know that this is not your fault and that your reactions are all completely normal. Really know that. There are a few books about this, but there's one especially that helped me understand more about this type of problem. I suggest you read it and see if your situation fits in there somewhere. I called "He's scared, She's scared: Understanding the hidden fears that sabotage your relationships" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Unfortunately, you won't find magical answers here, but maybe you'll find out that this happens to other people, you're not nuts, and you'll also find a few suggestions about what you can do. And I'm really sorry for you. Trust me, I know how painful this is! But you can only work on yourself. Your BF has to want to work on himself. You can't do that for him. Edited August 7, 2011 by sedona
Pelican Paw Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Hey, sorry to hear about your stories and quite honestly I don't know what to say to them. I had a similar experience about 2 years ago. My b.friend of 3+ years decides he has to rethink things. It freaked me out a bit but I didnt' make a big fuss out of it - thinking I'll just let him work through it. I can't remember the full details but I recall something about him wanting to give it a month to think of what he wants and then we would chat about it. I remember dreading the end of that month (June) but it came and went and nothing was said. During the course of the next 18 months every now and again he would mention how we still need to have the talk. I would just say okay but nothing else. in the back of my head it was always there and it wasn't a nice way to live. I would just hope he would come around in his own mind. Needless to say about 6 months ago he broke up with me. It came out of the blue - by this I mean that we had just had a lovely xmas break together and had not had a fight or argument. Infact for the first time in ages I felt closer to him which just added to my feelings of betrayal. Anyway, i suppose it was always at the back of his head too and he was just pro-longing the inevitable. I felt cheated out of 18 months and I know that most of that was my fault. The next time some guy tells me that they dont' know if I'm worth it, I'm so out of that relationship. I am worth more than that and if he doesn't know that then it's truly his loss
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