mavlast Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I met a girl online and we've grown to like each other just about as much as you can by talking on the phone and texting only. We had plans to meet last week but she fell sick so we had to cancel. She's gotten better, and so today I asked if I could take her out this week. She sounded like she wanted to go, but her answer was "possibly, I'll ask my parents. Some things are going on at home right now." I promised that we could talk if she needed anything, and she thanked me for understanding. I do not for one second think that she's trying to reject me softly. I believe that she was sick, and that things are going on at home. The problem is that I feel that I'm in a relationship with a machine rather than a person. I think that it's essential to see a person before you decide things like whether you like them, or even whether you can be there for them. And frankly, I don 't think that I can wait much longer in technology mode; it's not that I'm selfish, it's that I feel like I'm living an illusion. This is especially troubling because I'll be heading off to college in a few weeks, and I think that conversing with someone I've never met who lives 300 miles away will just be too much of a stretch for me. I really think that I like this girl, and the last thing I want to do is tell her that it's not going to work for reasons that she can't help. At the same time I don't know if I can play telephone much longer. Thoughts?
Eddie Edirol Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Leave her alone, let her contact you when shes ready. That way you know if shes still actually interested, and you might not even have to call it off.
dasein Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 The mistake you are making is buying into her faulty reasoning. Why on earth would having some issues at home prevent her from meeting a new person in her life provided she has interest? It doesn't follow. She isn't interested for whatever reason. Just move on. You can of course wait for her to contact, but based on the lame excuses, you will be waiting a long time. Just move on.
Author mavlast Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 I think that this will be my strategy: Continue to talk to her until about a week before I have to go, but no romantic/sexual overtones until I see her in person. Be humorous, kind, etc., but not attached, and don't lead her on. Don't mention going out again; if she wants to she'll ask her parents and tell me when she's free. If I don't meet her at least once by a week before I have to go I will call her and gently tell her that it won't work out and wish her luck. If she gives me a time, then problem solved and see where it goes from there. I think that this approach keeps me flexible and considerate with whatever her family situation may be, but also realistic. Please do not misinterpret me and think that I'm upset about her putting her family ahead of me; quite the opposite, but at the same time I feel that I should set boundaries to avoid getting too far into something that won't work, for whatever reason. What do you think?
thatone Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 she's using you for an attention fix. so no, it isn't a good idea. the first time you get an excuse about why she can't meet you in person, the response is "well let me know when you can get together" and then you write her off entirely as if she never existed. if she contacts you then proceed, if not pretend you never met her.
Author mavlast Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 You're right. But what do I do if she messages or calls me and we talk, but nothing about a meeting?
ccfan Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) You're right. But what do I do if she messages or calls me and we talk, but nothing about a meeting? If she calls knowing already that you want to go out with her, and she doesnt mention it.. them put a stop to it, she just want you to be her ego-fix until a guy she really likes comes along.. believe me on this one as i have been in your shoes so many times. Do not be an orbiter for this or any girl , plenty of nice girls outthere that will value you company for real Edited August 7, 2011 by ccfan
Audrina Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 The mistake you are making is buying into her faulty reasoning. Why on earth would having some issues at home prevent her from meeting a new person in her life provided she has interest? It doesn't follow. She isn't interested for whatever reason. Just move on. You can of course wait for her to contact, but based on the lame excuses, you will be waiting a long time. Just move on. Right, because family members never get sick and you have to take care of them, or there is so much family drama a person just needs some time to yourself.
Author mavlast Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 I have to admit that the "excuses" crossed my mind. However, if I were having genuine family problems, I might not feel it appropriate to leave them behind. So it's not implausible. I'll give it a few more days, and let her contact me. If I don't hear anything I'll end it. Sound good?
Author mavlast Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) I mean, I don't want to be callous or impatient, but I would like to draw a line. If these emergencies mean that I'll never see her, might as well break it sooner than later, you know? Or do you think that I should bring it up? Something like "Listen, I understand that family takes priority, etc. But I think that it's a bad idea to be in a relationship with someone whom I'll never meet. Do you foresee being able to see each other before (insert date I'm leaving)?". I'm not blackmailing her or asking her to put off truly important things, nor am I cornering her about a decision, but at the same time I'm getting an idea as to whether this will really work. At the same time this question would probably be the equivalent of having a "NEEDY AND SELFISH" neon sign above my head, so I'll probably modify or just forget it. What say you? Edited August 7, 2011 by mavlast
Author mavlast Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I mean, I don't want to be callous or impatient, but I would like to draw a line. If these emergencies mean that I'll never see her, might as well break it sooner than later, you know? Or do you think that I should bring it up? Something like "Listen, I understand that family takes priority, etc. But I think that it's a bad idea to be in a relationship with someone whom I'll never meet. Do you foresee being able to see each other before (insert date I'm leaving)?". I'm not blackmailing her or asking her to put off truly important things, nor am I cornering her about a decision, but at the same time I'm getting an idea as to whether this will really work. At the same time this question would probably be the equivalent of having a "NEEDY AND SELFISH" neon sign above my head, so I'll probably modify or just forget it. What say you? :::::::::::
thatone Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 there is no relationship, you haven't met her yet. you don't have to explain yourself, she does.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I mean, I don't want to be callous or impatient, but I would like to draw a line. If these emergencies mean that I'll never see her, might as well break it sooner than later, you know? Or do you think that I should bring it up? Something like "Listen, I understand that family takes priority, etc. But I think that it's a bad idea to be in a relationship with someone whom I'll never meet. Do you foresee being able to see each other before (insert date I'm leaving)?". I'm not blackmailing her or asking her to put off truly important things, nor am I cornering her about a decision, but at the same time I'm getting an idea as to whether this will really work. At the same time this question would probably be the equivalent of having a "NEEDY AND SELFISH" neon sign above my head, so I'll probably modify or just forget it. What say you? Dont do any of that, it is desperate, and unnecessary. SHe gave you the hint that she wasnt interested by those excuses, you think you need closure but you dont. Leave it be, if she contacts you, you take it from there, but dont try to question her to find out if it will work. Just let it happen.
Author mavlast Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) For now I'm just not contacting her first and letting things play out. If she's truly interested I'll hear from her, if not then I can move on. I'm not really holding my breath. The problem is that I truly think that she is interested. She contacts me first, which is a pretty sure sign; I don't even bother if I'm not interested in the person. And frankly, I believe the reasons behind not being able to meet. My dilemma is not what to do if she isn't interested (which is easy), but if she is. What if she keeps contacting me but we go nowhere? I'll have to keep investing in something fruitless. That's my problem. Edited August 8, 2011 by mavlast
thatone Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 she contacts you first because she knows you will reciprocate with the attention she desires, but not demand even seeing her face to face in return. so the answer is to take the attention away, and see if she wants to meet you then. and considering the type of person she has demonstrated that she is, you should already have written her off, to be honest.
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