carhill Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 OP, if he's MIA, leave it at that for now. If/when he proactively contacts you, express what you want (I presume to spend time with him). Ask him for suggestions. If he's really interested in and loves you, he will have suggestions. Myself, if I was in his circumstance, I'd take ten minutes out of my busy day and make a nice reservation at a hotel for Saturday night and a dinner reservation at a romantic restaurant to treat my wife (in your case GF) when I had no business on my mind. 'Honey, I've got something special planned for this weekend. I can't wait to see you'. If this was in response to a request as shared in the OP, I'd preface it with 'Honey, I'm really focused on work right now and once I get through this I want to share some time with you'. People who are successful, as TBF pointed out, know how to prioritize their time for both business/career and loved ones. I have a number of very successful men as friends and they've taught me a lot about how this works. Perhaps managing the balance is part of why they've been in long and successful marriages too. OP, one decision I see in your future is whether on not your and your BF's relationship and intimacy styles match up. I call this 'synergy'. Communication is important; however, your natural styles should compliment each other and it shouldn't be an ongoing battle. My advice to you is to resolve to leave this one incident in the past and try a different communication method next time. If you consistently feel de-prioritized, then, as our MC succinctly stated, 'you have a decision to make'. Good luck.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Quitting playing games and either enjoying time together after the boyfriend's been gone on a 9 day business trip (by perhaps having dinner together that night - as he'd suggested last week) is not "taking a back seat." If she really had plans with family and friends for the several days following his return from the business trip, that's one thing. Suddenly making such plans because they had a nasty fight (based upon his refusal to miss the first day back at the workplace after a 9 day business trip) to prove that she is "not available" is just lame power play. They LIVE together. Do whatever you want. This tack is NOT going to guide your relationship to a place where people "make time for each other." It will just promote more game playing and stupid childish outbursts. Sounds like a pretty bad relationship.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Sounds like a pretty bad relationship. It really isn't. Prior to this things have been wonderful. I posted here because its unlike him to act the way he did.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 OP, if he's MIA, leave it at that for now. If/when he proactively contacts you, express what you want (I presume to spend time with him). Ask him for suggestions. If he's really interested in and loves you, he will have suggestions. Myself, if I was in his circumstance, I'd take ten minutes out of my busy day and make a nice reservation at a hotel for Saturday night and a dinner reservation at a romantic restaurant to treat my wife (in your case GF) when I had no business on my mind. 'Honey, I've got something special planned for this weekend. I can't wait to see you'. If this was in response to a request as shared in the OP, I'd preface it with 'Honey, I'm really focused on work right now and once I get through this I want to share some time with you'. People who are successful, as TBF pointed out, know how to prioritize their time for both business/career and loved ones. I have a number of very successful men as friends and they've taught me a lot about how this works. Perhaps managing the balance is part of why they've been in long and successful marriages too. OP, one decision I see in your future is whether on not your and your BF's relationship and intimacy styles match up. I call this 'synergy'. Communication is important; however, your natural styles should compliment each other and it shouldn't be an ongoing battle. My advice to you is to resolve to leave this one incident in the past and try a different communication method next time. If you consistently feel de-prioritized, then, as our MC succinctly stated, 'you have a decision to make'. Good luck. We def need to work on our communication skills, this fall out proves that. I plan to let it go, but be a little more independent. And in the future see how things work out, and the compatibility factor. Thanks for the great feedback.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Quitting playing games and either enjoying time together after the boyfriend's been gone on a 9 day business trip (by perhaps having dinner together that night - as he'd suggested last week) is not "taking a back seat." If she really had plans with family and friends for the several days following his return from the business trip, that's one thing. Suddenly making such plans because they had a nasty fight (based upon his refusal to miss the first day back at the workplace after a 9 day business trip) to prove that she is "not available" is just lame power play. They LIVE together. Do whatever you want. This tack is NOT going to guide your relationship to a place where people "make time for each other." It will just promote more game playing and stupid childish outbursts. Sounds like a pretty bad relationship. I'm not really trying to play games. But he doesn't know what time he will be home on Wednesday, so why should I stay in and wait, when he has no idea? I'm just taking a few steps back, letting this cool down, so we can start fresh towards the end of the work week.
OliveOyl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Just because two people live together doesn't mean they should indefinitely put the relationship on the back burner. That's called taking each other for granted. For short periods, it's understandable and even necessary at times. As a general operating mode, it leads to relationship erosion and emotional distance.
vsmini Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 We def need to work on our communication skills, this fall out proves that. I plan to let it go, but be a little more independent. And in the future see how things work out, and the compatibility factor. Thanks for the great feedback. You basically just stated that you admit to needing improvement on your communication and follow it up by saying that you're going to "let it go" IE continue to stew over it and get pissed and resentful...thereby ruining communication further. This isn't about you being independent - you're trying your hardest to pass it off as that but it's not. You're avoiding what needs to happen: an actual talk. I'm not really trying to play games. But he doesn't know what time he will be home on Wednesday, so why should I stay in and wait, Why should you stay in and wait? Because a relationship is 50/50 and you admit you're the one that wants to spend time with him too. Why can't you sacrifice a little to be with him when he gets home - just as you expected him to do for you? I'm sorry but this is a game of power-struggle no matter how you slice and dice it.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Why should you stay in and wait? Because a relationship is 50/50 and you admit you're the one that wants to spend time with him too. Why can't you sacrifice a little to be with him when he gets home - just as you expected him to do for you? He has no idea what time he will get home. So I'm going to fill that time with something I would like to do.
Yookie Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Talking to him will probably just seem like more nagging from his point of view. I think your approach will be better in the long run. Keep yourself busy and avoid feeling like you are always waiting around for him to have time for you. He probably feels smothered.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 He has no idea what time he will get home. So I'm going to fill that time with something I would like to do. When he suggested you have dinner together that night, what exactly was the plan? That you stay home waiting until whatever hour he arrived, and then you would go out? Or, had he intended to make a reservation someplace? Anyway, I've had my say on this. If you don't want to talk about all of this stuff like two adults, it's your business. But I promise you that his rude outburst and hanging up on you was not just completely out of the blue. There is some talking that would need to happen, if this were a healthy relationship between two mature people that was experiencing a rough spot.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 When he suggested you have dinner together that night, what exactly was the plan? That you stay home waiting until whatever hour he arrived, and then you would go out? Or, had he intended to make a reservation someplace? When he mentioned dinner last week, he said we would go around 7pm. But since that time I guess things changed and he knows he will be working late.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Keep yourself busy and avoid feeling like you are always waiting around for him to have time for you. He probably feels smothered. That is my plan.
MarlyStar Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Yeah I don't plan on being home when he returns Tuesday night or Wednesday. I'm making plans to go to a friends or just run errands. If he thinks he lives to entertain me, he will be very surprised when I'm not around. THat seems a little passive aggressive to me. Why not say pleasantly, "It hurt my feelings what you said and more so when you slammed down the phone. Did you feel nagged?" And then have a DISCUSSION.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 THat seems a little passive aggressive to me. Why not say pleasantly, "It hurt my feelings what you said and more so when you slammed down the phone. Did you feel nagged?" And then have a DISCUSSION. I tried that last night. Didn't go well. So I'm just letting things cool down. He obviously has alot going on with work, and if we have a continuance of this convo, I want to continue it when things aren't so tense.
carhill Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 He knows how you feel. He can process that in his own time. When he chooses to engage, listen. Decide for yourself if he has sincerely listened to you and is making a proactive effort to address your feelings. He sounds like an action guy. Most of my male friends don't talk to their wives about their feelings. They show them through actions. The action scenario I outlined in my prior post is typical. A 'no-tell motel' hotel room and a nice dinner are inconsequential financially to a successful man but the time and 'special' attention paid to his spouse/GF is priceless. It should be like breathing, along with regular, if brief, phone calls while on the road to say 'I'm thinking of you hon and I love you'. It's really normal stuff, at least for myself and the men I know personally. You've respected that he has 'a lot going on at work'. OK, leave it at that. He can decide what he has respect for. See how it goes.
MarlyStar Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I tried that last night. Didn't go well. So I'm just letting things cool down. He obviously has alot going on with work, and if we have a continuance of this convo, I want to continue it when things aren't so tense. So did he acknowledge that he felt nagged? If he felt nagged did you apologize? Or did you tell him he shouldn't feel nagged because you were justified in pressing. If I understand correctly, he was coming home 10 pm, the next day at his suggestion he was going to work until 7 and you'd go out to dinner (which is an hour or two earlier than usual). Don't you consider this a concession to making you a priority? He's taking off of work early to spend time with you. In any case: You suggested he take the first day off. He said he couldn't. You suggested he leave an hour early. Would that be leaving at 6? 3 hours earlier than normal? I wonder if he didn't feel like he'd done a nice thing by leaving 2 hours early and here you were, not appreciative but needing more. So he politely said no he couldnt. And then you set up an argument. Why? He already told you. Because he had work. So that why was the beginning of an argument. I'm sure he was thinking, WHY do you need another hour, why is 7 pm not good enough. I wonder if you came off as bored and whiney. Now you are going to sulk and skulk around. How can that be productive? It may be true that you do need more independence--but is the first night he returns after a long trip--one you complained about, the right time to do it? Nope, you aren't staying away to gain independence. You are staying away to make a point: you rejected me, I'll reject you. How do you like it, buddy? Yes, yes, I know that's not what you are doing, you are just giving the poor dear what he wants. I don't buy it. And he won't either. To him, it'll be: she made all this fuss that I'm not hurrying to her side and then when I do try, she disappears. If he's worth his salt he'll figure out what you are up to, then go off to his favorite bar and have dinner or strike up a conversation with a pretty woman. The two of you play this game often enough and guess what will happen to your relationship. (How old are you btw) What's wrong with saying, "That was an interesting comment you made. Of all the things you could have said, you chose that. Do you feel that I do rely too much on you for entertainment?" Then listen. All couples have to negotiate how much alone time and together time and work time is acceptable to all in the relationship. This is the time to do it. It's a mistake to sulk and pout and stick your nose up in the air with pretend innocence: But that's what I thought you wanted....
threebyfate Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Sit back and don't engage him anymore until he comes home. It's probably best not to wait around for him since by the time he comes home, he's going to be tired and expecting a fight. Back off until he comes looking for you to engage. Then address the issues in a straight-forward manner. At no time does anyone deserve an obnoxious comment like he made. Also, it's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your loved one the day after he comes back from a 9 day absence. That said, don't natter at him. I can say right here and now that I personally detest being nagged and will not nag. If as carhill has stated, the styles aren't compatible, it's better to find someone who is compatible.
Hot Chick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I know you don't want to hear this....but is it possible that all the extra time he is spending at the office in the evenings is really being spent...with another woman? That could be why he is so touchy...I hope this is not the case.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) I know you don't want to hear this....but is it possible that all the extra time he is spending at the office in the evenings is really being spent...with another woman? That could be why he is so touchy...I hope this is not the case. I'm 100 percent positive that's not it. Edited August 8, 2011 by CatNtheHat
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Sit back and don't engage him anymore until he comes home. It's probably best not to wait around for him since by the time he comes home, he's going to be tired and expecting a fight. Back off until he comes looking for you to engage. Then address the issues in a straight-forward manner. At no time does anyone deserve an obnoxious comment like he made. Also, it's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your loved one the day after he comes back from a 9 day absence. That said, don't natter at him. I can say right here and now that I personally detest being nagged and will not nag. If as carhill has stated, the styles aren't compatible, it's better to find someone who is compatible. Yeah I'm leaving it alone. I think its funny that what I consider talking or discussing, some men consider it "nagging"..
carhill Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Most men I know tip towards 'nagging' when the preponderance of the 'discussions' or 'talking' are negative. Part of effective communication is a positive style, focusing on positive things, behaviors and attributes you desire and appreciate versus the same that irritate and annoy you. Think about how you could apply that methodology to this circumstance. ETA, having been married, it's really difficult to be '100% positive' about anything which involves another human being. It's healthy to be confident, in this case that he's not cheating, but 100% sure is an unreasonable and unreachable goal, presuming you don't spend 24/7 together. I could share some stories from my own life, but they're OT. Everything isn't always as it seems. In any event, stick to the obvious issues and work those. Edited August 8, 2011 by carhill
Hot Chick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I'm 100 percent positive that's not it. How can you be that sure, though? Do you have a GPS installed on him?
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 How can you be that sure, though? Do you have a GPS installed on him? Whats up with the sarcasm? Its called Trust!
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 How can you be that sure, though? Do you have a GPS installed on him? I know this man well enough to know that would go against everything he stands for. He is one of the most honest people I know. And yes I actually TRUST my boyfriend. I know its an unrecognized concept in today's society.
GG3 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 This thread seems ridiculous to me. Some people are making all about women nagging and not understanding a man who works hard. Women work hard too. I'm an engineer and I work my tail off every week. All she did was ask about meeting up for dinner because she WANTS to spend time with someone she cared about. And he snapped. I say don't be passive aggressive, but don't make any effort for a while. Be busy. Let him come to you once he's had some time to realize that the way he spoke to you was out of line. There is nothing wrong with WANTING to see someone you are in a relationship with and ASKING to make plans together. I don't think that is nagging.
Recommended Posts