OliveOyl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I completely agree. This is his JOB, his livelihood, that you were asking him to ditch early for you. Really inconsiderate behavior, and his reaction was priggish. You were both in the wrong. On the other hand, the OP said he usually stayed late (up until 9pm), and got home around the time she was heading for bed. What's the point in having a job if you can't even take the time to have dinner with a loved one after having been away for a week and a half? If he was a doctor in an emergency room, that's one thing, but it didn't sound like that. Relationships take care and feeding too. When married, over the long haul, that kind of schedule usually leads to divorce.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think he was rude and what he said was mean. On the other hand, though, I believe that even though you are not presenting it this way, you actually did want him to "make it up to you" that he had (from your perspective, and probably in fact) prioritized his work over his relationship with you for 9 days, and now you wanted him to give up some work to be with you, in exchange, sort of. I imagine that he felt pulled from both sides and reacted from a place of stress. You say he is in a high position at his work. So, you have a boyfriend who is going to be reacting to the demands of his work in a manner that resulted in good promotions, etc. It's a part of who he is. I think you were not right to ask him to leave work stuff to be with you. From your post, I am not getting the picture that he is about to leave for 9 days again imminently, right? If he was, I'd feel differently. If he's not, I would certainly expect him to be 100% "there" spending his time with you the next time you both are free to be together. That's about it. If the guy is a serious workaholic who doesn't ever prioritize time for his relationship with you, plus speaks to you like a jerk often (though I do not agree with the poster who said he was "abusing" you by speaking that way), I would consider that there might be serious problems brewing.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Well he doesn't think he said anything wrong. We spoke last night and argued some more. I guess my request was the equivalent of asking him to move mountains (to him). So I plan to make myself scarce the next few evenings. I have made alternate plans with friends-family. I don't feel appreciated by his reaction or how our conversation went last night. I think I have been way too "available" and he has taken advantage. Thats going to change.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I am pretty clingy myself but I feel that asking him to come home from work early was out of line. I would understand if you didn't live together and he didn't make time to see you at ALL for a few days after the trip. But he will see you anyway, and you can always go to bed later. You could always plan something romantic over the weekend to reconnect properly. I just don't understand why it has to be the day after he gets back. Yeah, his response was a bit rude but you were kind of out of line.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I am pretty clingy myself but I feel that asking him to come home from work early was out of line. I would understand if you didn't live together and he didn't make time to see you at ALL for a few days after the trip. But he will see you anyway, and you can always go to bed later. You could always plan something romantic over the weekend to reconnect properly. I just don't understand why it has to be the day after he gets back. Yeah, his response was a bit rude but you were kind of out of line. He is the one that suggested dinner the night he returned. That was last week. After all of this I just feel under valued and unappreciated. I know what I have to do.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Well I don't expect or want him to drop anything. This was ONE evening I asked if he could come back an hour or so early. One. And is response was nasty. I don't think I was "out of line" at all. I asked him so we could do something nice together, since he has been gone for 10 days. Its not like I asked him to take me shopping or anything. Who pays the rent you or him? You specifically asked him to take time from work because you want to feel like #1 on his priority list. Not acceptable behavior in my book. I think he was rude and what he said was mean. On the other hand, though, I believe that even though you are not presenting it this way, you actually did want him to "make it up to you" that he had (from your perspective, and probably in fact) prioritized his work over his relationship with you for 9 days, and now you wanted him to give up some work to be with you, in exchange, sort of. I imagine that he felt pulled from both sides and reacted from a place of stress. You say he is in a high position at his work. So, you have a boyfriend who is going to be reacting to the demands of his work in a manner that resulted in good promotions, etc. It's a part of who he is. I think you were not right to ask him to leave work stuff to be with you. From your post, I am not getting the picture that he is about to leave for 9 days again imminently, right? If he was, I'd feel differently. If he's not, I would certainly expect him to be 100% "there" spending his time with you the next time you both are free to be together. That's about it. If the guy is a serious workaholic who doesn't ever prioritize time for his relationship with you, plus speaks to you like a jerk often (though I do not agree with the poster who said he was "abusing" you by speaking that way), I would consider that there might be serious problems brewing. ^^^^^ This is an excellent post!
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 We both pay the rent. No I do not feel I need to be first priority. He suggested dinner on Wednesday earlier last week and I followed up with this during the convo that took place. Its not about being #1, it was just about missing one another and wanting to spend time together. Its ok though. Because I have made alternate plans for that night. Anyway I was more upset about what he said to me than anything else.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 So what about the other thread of yours, where he had "gone missing" after hanging up on you? Was that part of your "punishment" for being demanding in a way that he felt was unfair? And now, you are going to be "busy" rather than having dinner with him ... to punish HIM? I thought you really really missed him and missed him so very much that you wanted him to stay home from work to be with you? In that case, why are you making other plans on the night he is coming home? Sure, he said something really jerky to you, and hung up on you. And now you are making him pay for it. You are BOTH acting like little babies, and if YOU want to have a good relationship with this man, I think you ought to quit participating in that. As I said, if his balance between work and relationship is truly out of whack, and you two value one another and the relationship, that issue needs to be addressed. If YOU can't handle his level of involvement with his work, or if HE can't give you the attention you need exactly WHEN you feel you need it - maybe there are basic incompatibilities. If you both are just interested in acting like self centered little critters, then you're certainly both free to keep this up until you implode your relationship.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 So what about the other thread of yours, where he had "gone missing" after hanging up on you? Was that part of your "punishment" for being demanding in a way that he felt was unfair? And now, you are going to be "busy" rather than having dinner with him ... to punish HIM? I thought you really really missed him and missed him so very much that you wanted him to stay home from work to be with you? In that case, why are you making other plans on the night he is coming home? Sure, he said something really jerky to you, and hung up on you. And now you are making him pay for it. You are BOTH acting like little babies, and if YOU want to have a good relationship with this man, I think you ought to quit participating in that. As I said, if his balance between work and relationship is truly out of whack, and you two value one another and the relationship, that issue needs to be addressed. If YOU can't handle his level of involvement with his work, or if HE can't give you the attention you need exactly WHEN you feel you need it - maybe there are basic incompatibilities. If you both are just interested in acting like self centered little critters, then you're certainly both free to keep this up until you implode your relationship. No I'm not punishing him. He seems to want more time to himself so I'm giving it to him. I thought it was important for us to be together when he got back but seems I'm alone in this. He feels that since we live together it isn't a big deal. So since to him it isn't a big deal, I'm going to go out. Maybe he will miss me.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 So what about the other thread of yours, where he had "gone missing" after hanging up on you? Was that part of your "punishment" for being demanding in a way that he felt was unfair? And now, you are going to be "busy" rather than having dinner with him ... to punish HIM? I thought you really really missed him and missed him so very much that you wanted him to stay home from work to be with you? In that case, why are you making other plans on the night he is coming home? Sure, he said something really jerky to you, and hung up on you. And now you are making him pay for it. You are BOTH acting like little babies, and if YOU want to have a good relationship with this man, I think you ought to quit participating in that. As I said, if his balance between work and relationship is truly out of whack, and you two value one another and the relationship, that issue needs to be addressed. If YOU can't handle his level of involvement with his work, or if HE can't give you the attention you need exactly WHEN you feel you need it - maybe there are basic incompatibilities. If you both are just interested in acting like self centered little critters, then you're certainly both free to keep this up until you implode your relationship. As far as dinner on Wednesday goes, he didn't know when he will be out of work, so I'm going to be understanding and let him work.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 And yes I really thought something was wrong, but he was actually just ignoring me.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 You both sound very passive-aggressive. I'm actually aggressive, he is passive. I don't feel that he fights fair. I try to work it out and instead get silence. So I'm going to try it his way and be more "silent". Maybe I will learn something.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 You both sound very passive-aggressive. What would you have suggested? That I stay home and wait for him?
Hot Chick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I'll play devil's advocate....he told you once he can't take a day off work, and he also told you he can't leave work an hour early. Then you called him out on that by asking "Why?" You should have accepted his answers the first time, assuming that when he said "no" he couldn't do those things, he couldn't do those things or it would jeopardize his work, or how well he's doing at work. You sounded really naggy when the guy is out working hard and making a good living. I am not sure if you have a job, but in this economy, people are working harder in order to keep job security. If you don't like that he works a lot to make a good living, then yes, you should leave the relationship.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 No I'm not punishing him. He seems to want more time to himself so I'm giving it to him. I thought it was important for us to be together when he got back but seems I'm alone in this. He feels that since we live together it isn't a big deal. So since to him it isn't a big deal, I'm going to go out. Maybe he will miss me. This could backfire. He could easily think that you are being passive aggressive and playing power games. It will only make him lose respect for you. How about you just stay home and act in good faith? I am not advising you to apologize. I would only think that your reaction is reasonable if he has a pattern of prioritizing work and neglecting you.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 What would you have suggested? That I stay home and wait for him? What I suggest is: If you really love your boyfriend, and understand him, and really did miss him a lot like you said you did - you be happy when you get him home again and enjoy having him back! The rest - as I've already said, if you guys have some deep seated issues to work out (like maybe he's a workaholic and emotionally unavailable because of it, or you are unrealistically needy and naggy, or all of the above), I advise you to get busy working on them like two adults who CHOOSE to be together in a healthy relationship that works. Conversely, if you have basic incompatibilities (like you can't accept his level of commitment to his work, or you MUST have attention exactly when and how you want it or you lash out) then I think you and he need to think about parting ways. The way both of you deal with conflict, as illustrated in your two threads, is pretty sad.
Hot Chick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Personally, I think you sound like a whiny little kid to him when you said "why?" when you asked him to take off work an hour early. I do think you should be the one to apologize because you weren't trusting his answers the first time when he told you "no." You guys live together, so you are going to see him when he comes home....he does get the weekends off. I wouldn't be surprised if he was rethinking the relationship himself. You may be moving out, but not at your own choice.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I'll play devil's advocate....he told you once he can't take a day off work, and he also told you he can't leave work an hour early. Then you called him out on that by asking "Why?" You should have accepted his answers the first time, assuming that when he said "no" he couldn't do those things, he couldn't do those things or it would jeopardize his work, or how well he's doing at work. You sounded really naggy when the guy is out working hard and making a good living. I am not sure if you have a job, but in this economy, people are working harder in order to keep job security. I got that.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Personally, I think you sound like a whiny little kid to him when you said "why?" when you asked him to take off work an hour early. I do think you should be the one to apologize because you weren't trusting his answers the first time when he told you "no." You guys live together, so you are going to see him when he comes home....he does get the weekends off. I wouldn't be surprised if he was rethinking the relationship himself. You may be moving out, but not at your own choice. He doesn't always have weekends off. I'm pretty confident no one is moving out. Thanks for your feedback though.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 What I suggest is: If you really love your boyfriend, and understand him, and really did miss him a lot like you said you did - you be happy when you get him home again and enjoy having him back! I'm just choosing to be a little more independent. Not rely on spending so much time together. I think I made myself too available.
Hot Chick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I don't understand what the problem is then. A guy hanging up on you is not a good sign.
threebyfate Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Wow, there's some serious traditional devaluation going on in this thread! Do you women always take a back seat in your own needs? Does anyone believe in 50/50 relationships? That is unless your man is supporting you or bringing home most of the bacon. In those types of traditional relationships, you don't have a choice but to take a back seat since you're also relying on him to pay the bills so that would make sense from a give and take perspective. In a 50/50 relationship, it doesn't work that way. You MAKE time for each other.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I don't understand what the problem is then. A guy hanging up on you is not a good sign. No your right. One of the reasons I came here.
Author CatNtheHat Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 In a 50/50 relationship, it doesn't work that way. You MAKE time for each other. That is what I thought.
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