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Cheating has become more and more common. I feel like I won't ever find a decent guy

Tasha49

By Tasha49
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rafallus Established Member

rafallus

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You look like a sweetheart.

Ginger Beer Established Member

Ginger Beer

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Partiers can not be trusted. There is a reason they like parties. Just avoid partiers. Why people think they will find a good man/woman in a night club I do not know.

tigressA Established Member

tigressA

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Like MMB and Kamille said, I think you're way too nice. The guys you get with run roughshod over you and you continually allow it. Your last thread about your 'boyfriend' not ever inviting you to parties he throws--that's crappy behavior on his part! And the thread you had before that, you were going on and on about how you have to get rid of him. You are the one putting up with all this. You may 'put your foot down' verbally but you don't back it up with action when nothing changes--the action being leaving these guys in the dust. You need to not just SAY, but SHOW that you won't put up with their behavior. You just come back for more substandard treatment and that is what makes these guys think they can get away with anything--yes, including cheating--while with you.

phineas Established Member

phineas

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I would rather myself be considered as pretty than hot :) I get both but I mean come on... not all attractive women have a cheater for a partner. That seems to be what you're implying?

 

And I agree in a sense that the men are jerks... in the end. But at first they are just as kind and considerate as a guy who wouldn't cheat. I cannot knowingly separate the good from the bad. No one can. That is why marriages constantly lead to divorce. And the innocent is typically left in shock.

 

No, what I am saying is women that go for the type of men you go for usually get cheated on or replaced very quickly & despite me telling you this & other people you refuse to listen & try to rationalize your poor choice in men.

 

I'm almost 40. I was like you once, blaming women who crapped on me. Then I looked back & realized "hmmm, that was a red flag, that was blatent disrespect, should of dropped her at that point instead of being a doormat"

 

So now, next time a woman disrespects me, flakes, hangs out with her "guy friend" alone they get dropped. My life is drama free, anxiety free, & I am happy being alone than with a woman who makes me doubt my trust in her.

 

Edit: yeah, like I said, only a complete tool would cheat on you. Someone who has women chasing them. I would have to say you are attractive enough that a lot of the really decent guys wouldn't have the confidence to approach you. But the player's & jerks who got women coming on to them do have the confidence.

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ScreamingTrees Established Member

ScreamingTrees

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I have dated nerds, my last ex was a nerd and not the most attractive thing out there. But his personality was cute.

 

So, are you saying that you weren't really attracted to him physically, moreso mentally? They're called friends, or aquaintances. Maybe this last relationship was sort of a karmic payback? Just a thought, not saying you deserved it, but **** happens.

 

BTW, you're probably picking out the "bad", player nerds. lol

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Eddie Edirol Established Member

Eddie Edirol

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Sometimes there are serial cheaters, other times people get bored with you. If youve been cheated on more than once, I'd be willing to bet youre doing something to turn these guys off, and then they start to stray.

mo mo Established Member

mo mo

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Disagree. Appreciated input but for me it is not the same.

 

No men I have been with were ever *******s, abusive, or a jerk. They were caring and sweet. All my friends and family thought they were all perfect and that we were perfect together. That is why when both cheated it was a shock. None of them ever really eyeballed any chicks around me. My last ex begged me to forgive him and told me he wasn't like that and just made one stupid mistake. He still won't leave me alone.

 

If people were easily spotted as cheaters, then why is it that so MANY many people are cheated on and it becomes such a shock? If cheaters could be so easily spotted... then why do they even have the chance to cheat?

 

You're living in a fantasy land Tasha.

 

I really hate to say it because you do seem like the kind of open and sweet person I'd be attracted to, but it's pretty obvious that you trust people way too much. The way you keep defending your "ex" (we can't call him that because you 2 were never official), just shows that you are easily swayed by his words, and probably other people's too. You also seem to get offended easily when people even hint that he disrespects you.

 

Hopefully, as you mature, you'll begin to understand that there are a lot of cold-hearted and manipulative people out there. You really shouldn't be getting mad at us for pointing out your poor decisions, because ultimately' you're the one living with the consequences and you're the one doing all the sugar-coating.

Eddie Edirol Established Member

Eddie Edirol

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BTW Tasha, youre 21, and you are probably dating guys in their early 20's. right? Those guys are still finding themselves and you are the collateral damage to that. Date older. You cant assume ALL guys are cheaters just because one cheated on you.

grkBoy Established Member

grkBoy

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So far in two of my relationships I was cheated on, and although the "relationship" that I am in now is not official, I feel like what he has done was cheating as well.

 

My dad is old and wise, and keeps telling me I need to date men older who are about 25-30 because they are more mature and more likely to be over the party stage and the moments where they don't find theirself ready to fet serious. I am only 21 and feel like that is too old for me. Is it really hard to find a guy who is my age and wants what I want?

 

I am starting to lose all faith. I have had arguments with my dad by defending the younger generations of men. Just because I ended up with bad ones so far does not mean every young guy has a cheating tendency. I think it is all pick and choose and guessing. I hear all the time marriages being split because men have affairs. So the age is not really that much to do with it in my opinion. Or is my dad right?

 

Now, men... keep in mind I am not ruling out women being cheaters as well as men. I am just making this thread because I am seeking a male audience. Though women are surely welcome to input :)

 

I just feel like I will keep getting crappy men. They start out so great and tell me they would never cheat but end up doing it. What the hell is wrong with people? I literally cannot comprehend how someone could even look at another person with lust yet claim to be in love with their partner.

 

I have had many opportunities to cheat but NEVER once would ever do it. Why can't people just enjoy what they have and if they don't... end it and THEN pursue the other interest?

 

Tasha, I have a feeling a lot of it is the men you find attractive. I don't know you personally, but any woman I've encountered who has made the very same complaint you have generally is attracted to guys who are prone to cheat. They like playas, douchebags, narcissistic yuppies, alpha male syndrome guys, etc. They want the hot, exciting, successful guys and even at times these women find him more attractive if many women want him.

 

Unfortunately, they think they can "tame" him into a RL...and instead find out he won't commit to anyone or he cheats.

 

This is the unfortunate conundrum many women face. I'm of the mind that "once a cheater, always a cheater", and honestly think the women who run into the very same problem as you might have to rethink and reconfigure their selection standards. Find the guys who seemingly would be happy as hell to have you in their life or they were raised by good parents so they value relationships and commitment. Maybe this guy won't set your panties on fire the very first encounter, but over time you fall for him and wonder what you saw in the past guys.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I agree with others who say to have a male friend of relative make a good assessment of guys you date. This goes the other way around. People can usually spot the no goods from their own gender much better than the opposite sex can.

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Tasha49 Established Member

Tasha49

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So, are you saying that you weren't really attracted to him physically, moreso mentally? They're called friends, or aquaintances. Maybe this last relationship was sort of a karmic payback? Just a thought, not saying you deserved it, but **** happens.

 

BTW, you're probably picking out the "bad", player nerds. lol

 

Uh it was nowhere near friends. I loved him a whole lot. He loved me.

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Tasha49 Established Member

Tasha49

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BTW Tasha, youre 21, and you are probably dating guys in their early 20's. right? Those guys are still finding themselves and you are the collateral damage to that. Date older. You cant assume ALL guys are cheaters just because one cheated on you.

 

I never said I think all men cheat. That would be silly.

I actually said I argued with my dad that all young men are cheaters. They're not. Just in my experience they are.

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Tasha49 Established Member

Tasha49

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Tasha, I have a feeling a lot of it is the men you find attractive. I don't know you personally, but any woman I've encountered who has made the very same complaint you have generally is attracted to guys who are prone to cheat. They like playas, douchebags, narcissistic yuppies, alpha male syndrome guys, etc. They want the hot, exciting, successful guys and even at times these women find him more attractive if many women want him.

 

Unfortunately, they think they can "tame" him into a RL...and instead find out he won't commit to anyone or he cheats.

 

This is the unfortunate conundrum many women face. I'm of the mind that "once a cheater, always a cheater", and honestly think the women who run into the very same problem as you might have to rethink and reconfigure their selection standards. Find the guys who seemingly would be happy as hell to have you in their life or they were raised by good parents so they value relationships and commitment. Maybe this guy won't set your panties on fire the very first encounter, but over time you fall for him and wonder what you saw in the past guys.

 

I don't know why people keep saying I choose hot bad boys. The men I have dated are far from hot. In fact I refuse to date a guy I consider hot. I want a cute guy who looks sweet. That is what I go for. I don't care what job they have or what kind of money they have. I pay for myself wherever I go unless he insists. Even then so I feel bad about it. Which some men may find annoying.

 

The only attractive guy I have drifted toward has been the guy I am involved with now. He is very attractive. But I am running from that before I get hurt.

MarlyStar Established Member

MarlyStar

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No men I have been with were ever *******s, abusive, or a jerk. They were caring and sweet.

 

The one you are with NOW is an abusive jerk who is NOT caring and sweet (even tho his face 'lights up' when he sees you).

 

If people were easily spotted as cheaters, then why is it that so MANY many people are cheated on and it becomes such a shock?

 

There are lots of people like you who are in huge denial. Many people are determinely blind. Few examples (besides you):

 

Handsome couple at work, she's gorgeous, he's great looking (actually I think he's sleezy looking but, he's got model looks). Been together since high school, married 20 years, 2 kids. His desk is 3 desks away from hers. He cheats blatantly. Talks on the phone with his lovers, they stop by his desk, EVERYONE knows, except wifey. He even got into a fist fight over a woman in the office right before her face and SAID that the other woman was his, and she still won't accept he's cheating. Damaged women who need a man so desperately become determinely blind. It's sickening to watch and fascinating, and at first you feel sorry for the betrayed spouse, but after a while you figure they get what they deserve (Hillary Clinton comes to mind here too) and you start feeling sorry for the cheater and understand why they do it. It's a bizarre thing to watch.

 

Another one: everyone where I work has a security clearance and must submit data on all roommates/SOs for background checks. Guy submits his GF. She's cuban an immigrant who came to US about a year ago on the lottery. She's living in an expensive 2 bedroom condo, has no job and he met her in an expensive night club. Well, at least that's what he thought. She's actually Colombian, in this country illegally. What happens is higher level drug lords in the area (and there are a lot of those in this area) bring 'inconvenient' women to the US, set them up in apts, have them free lance hook to support themselves, and give them about 6 months to find a guy to live off of. If they don't they get sent back to Colombia or enter a money laundering cat house or just get put out on the street. Who are these inconvenient women? Well, maybe exgirlfriends or mistresses, or the sisters or friends of girlfriends or mistresses, or stepsisters or sisters in law or orphaned cousins, or the wives/GFs of dead colleagues... Women to whom they have some affection or obligation to but not too much, not enough to support indefinitely.

 

So we told this guy she was one of them, hooking to support herself with ties to the cocaine trade and desperately looking for a US citizen to support her and sponsor her. For one second he acknowledged it. He said he'd noticed one odd thing (besides the fact that she lived well altho she had no income or friends), she said 3 nights a week she sang at church, but when he offered to come and listen, she got angry and picked a fight and went off on "You don't trust me" and so he didn't.

 

But the moment of clarity was only a flash. When told that if he continued to associate with her (as was his legal right) he would lose his security clearance (and thus his job), he got nasty. That made his colleagues make fun of him (kind of trying to get him to see her for what she was and kind of in a guy way bring him over to the right side), and he sued. Turned out he was a Congressional appointee and couldn't lose his job--so they sent him to Afghanistan for 4 years. So ends that relationship. And he still believes she was not a hooker and not out to use him.

 

If cheaters could be so easily spotted... then why do they even have the chance to cheat?

 

They can't always be spotted within the first hours of meeting them. But if you hold off for awhile and know what you are looking for, you'll know fairly quickly. But if you are emotional impetuous (ie: needy), you will stop looking as soon as you feel the first rush of enthusiasm, and you make yourself easy prey. It's not how long you wait between meeting and sleeping together (altho that's part of it), it's how long you are willing to be alert and skeptical.

 

The world is full of needy, empty, desperate-for-love people. They are sitting ducks for all sorts of game players.

MarlyStar Established Member

MarlyStar

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You are very young. 21 and not very experienced. And you seem not to have much going on in your life and it seems as though you are over-focused on men. At 21 you should not be looking for a LTR leading to commitment, marriage, family and forever. If it happens, wonderful. It does happen. But it shouldn't be the focus of your life.

 

Right now you should be focused on setting yourself up as an adult, meaning career and education, saving money (if not investing in education). Men at this point should be a side attraction.

 

Instead of dating 25-29 since you aren't comfortable with that (for good reason), date in your age group but keep it casual and learn about yourself re men. You best do that by dating lots of different types. And by having men friends. And being without one and being okay and happy without one.

 

It's not so good to go from man to man and to be so intense about it.

sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

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I think that's why you hear so many guys say that women are attracted to @ssholes, which from the perspective of men might actually be a valid viewpoint.

 

It most certainly is, I've seen it with friends and family.

 

Women, in general, are terribly at choosing a long term partner. They are masters at choosing boyfriends (fun, exciting, go getter, passion), but they are horrible at choosing husbands (loyalty, stability, honesty, dependability). All the traits of a great husband are boring, all the traits of a great boyfriend are exciting. The two combined are rarely found in large portions in one man.

 

If I ever have a daughter, I'll let her pick her boyfriends, but her husband must go through me!

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Tasha49 Established Member

Tasha49

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You are very young. 21 and not very experienced. And you seem not to have much going on in your life and it seems as though you are over-focused on men. At 21 you should not be looking for a LTR leading to commitment, marriage, family and forever. If it happens, wonderful. It does happen. But it shouldn't be the focus of your life.

 

Right now you should be focused on setting yourself up as an adult, meaning career and education, saving money (if not investing in education). Men at this point should be a side attraction.

 

Instead of dating 25-29 since you aren't comfortable with that (for good reason), date in your age group but keep it casual and learn about yourself re men. You best do that by dating lots of different types. And by having men friends. And being without one and being okay and happy without one.

 

It's not so good to go from man to man and to be so intense about it.

 

Dating around is not for me. I HATE dating or actually looking for men. I never look, I just sit and wait until a chance sparks up that is right in front of me. My relationships were accidents in terms of meeting. I didn't set it up or look for them.

 

And regarding your other post. You seem to imply that I openly accept cheaters. I never have. The two men who cheated on me while still involved in the relationship I left in a heartbeat. I don't take that ****. It is the most hurtful, scummy, ridiculous thing ever. Even if they apologize a thousand and one times or beg me to forgive them and give them a second chance. I don't buy it. I don't believe a person is truly in love for them to have the absence of heart to cheat. When they know how much it could hurt.

 

This guy although basically cheated... technically did not and I am not excusing his scummy behavior but he made it clear that we are not dating and that he is not ready for the serious stuff (though getting in my pants at all was pretty serious to me). And that is my stupid naive mistake. But what he did is not appropriate on any level and is disgusting. But he never told me he is sexually exclusive to me and only me. Again... I am the dumb one. But he is the dumb one missing out.

 

You are very right in the sense that I should not be looking for a long term relationship at my age. And I am not looking. It's just that when the next guy enters the picture... I will have some pretty ****ty trust issues. And that is just something I need to get over. It isn't right or fair.

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Tasha49 Established Member

Tasha49

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Thank you all for the input, btw :) I do look at all sides of it.

ScreamingTrees Established Member

ScreamingTrees

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Uh it was nowhere near friends. I loved him a whole lot. He loved me.
Well, I guess you just worded it wrong. I guess you meant to say that to most he'd be considered not very attractive but to YOU he was very attractive.. I really hope the next guy you run into is decent..
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Tasha49 Established Member

Tasha49

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Well, I guess you just worded it wrong. I guess you meant to say that to most he'd be considered not very attractive but to YOU he was very attractive.. I really hope the next guy you run into is decent..

 

Sorry, I definitely should have clarified. But that is exactly what I meant. If I love someone I find them to be the most attractive person around me. Because since I love them they are the only one I ever need to worry about in terms of making me happy. No other men really matter to me.

 

And thank you! I hope so too.

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Tasha49 Established Member

Tasha49

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Sometimes there are serial cheaters, other times people get bored with you. If youve been cheated on more than once, I'd be willing to bet youre doing something to turn these guys off, and then they start to stray.

 

Well... I doubt I do much of anything to turn a guy off. Both of my exes contacted me a year later saying that I was perfect (Though I could never really come close to 'perfect') and what we had was something they really miss and screwed up with. If I did much to turn them off I don't think BOTH would want another go with me later. Could be wrong, but it just doesn't seem likely. They were just jerks due to their actions in the end. And so I would not blame myself for their ****ty decisions.

Nexus One Established Member

Nexus One

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Tasha don't sweat it, I think you'll find that guy.

 

A tip though, studies have shown that the higher couples are educated, the more stable the relationship tends to be, statistically seen. So perhaps you should try to look for an educated/intelligent/knowledgeable guy, that doesn't mean you shouldn't look for red flags with such men though. But you'd increase your chances for a stable relationship. It's up to you though.

Sanman Established Member

Sanman

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My thoughts on the matter:

 

While 25-29 year olds might be more stable and less likely to cheat, I don't think that the ones who might consider dating a 21 year old are the ones that will not cheat. I am in this age range and I find dating a 24 year old already early into her career can be less stable than I am looking for right now (more partying and what not). I can't imagine dating a 21 year old that hasn't even finished college yet.

 

Second, you are young and people are more likely to cheat at that age. Even the guys you consider not that good looking are probably good looking to many people. This is more likely to be true since you are good looking (people look for people with similar looks to themselves).

 

Third, people tend to be as faithful as their options. The better looking a person is or the more options they have, the more likely they are to cheat or treat you poorly. Why? Because it is simply easier to feel the grass is greener or go after something else if you hit a bump or are not happy. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship at 21 with the body of a personal trainer. At 27 and in more average shape, I am ready to settle down as the chase is not as easy as it once was. Even now, the I am used to dating fairly attractive women and there is usually more drama and issues (not willing to compromise due to the sheer amount of opportunity) than I prefer. I am currently seeing a cute girl who is more average looking. She treats me much better and is much less likely to cheat because I am one of her better (best??) options. She has a hot friend who is the type I usually date and this girl get s hit one at the bar every time her guy leaves to get a drink or turns around. Much more opportunity for her to cheat or leave him if he is not pleasing her. Just the way the world is.

Edited by Sanman
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