justadoormat Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 I live with my boyfriend. I have nothing but two kids and some clothes. Everything else is his...so I'm afraid to leave. I love him, but he does mean things and then tells me to just get over it and stop being silly. The main thing I'm upset over is a 4am phone call to a female he refuses to let me meet or talk too. He says my feelings don't matter and I piss him off asking him about silly stuff like phone calls. He always tells me my feelings don't matter. so now I guess it's time for me to go. It's just hard. All I'm asking for is some support because I don't have any friends and I'm not close to my family. I need to know if I'm really nuts for being upset about this. He doesn't stay home much, he's always visiting or helping someone else do something or he has something to take care of. when he's home he yells at me for stupid stuff like wanting to leave the kids with him so I can go shopping or to the library. He says I'm not trustworthy. Today he called me a cuss word because I told him take the baby with him to his lawyer appointment so I could go on a job interview he said I could go on, but changed his mind about without telling me. I lost an internship because he won't watch the kids and I can't afford a sitter. I'm not a perfect little angel. I yell back. I try to defend my feelings, but I think it's useless. for whatever reason he doesn't love me anymore. He just hasn't thrown me out yet. And no we don't really have sex. Maybe three times a month. He's says I'm beating a dead horse. so i guess i should just go....
supermom Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 Sounds like this is a very MEAN man. The BEST thing you should do is leave. Next time you feel like you love him and can't go, remember the way he treats you, and is he mean to your kids? You can do it
Becks84 Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 I say you should definitley get your butt out of there! You are in a very unhealthy place and you deserve much better than that. That's the first thing you need to do --- realize what you're worth! Next, stand up for yourself like never before, and leave him behind without looking back. Life is too precious to waste with a loser like that he doesn't deserve you. Is there anyone at all you could stay with for awhile until you got on your feet?? *what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!* If you get up enough nerve to leave, believe that you can do great things for yourself and in your life! You only live once! Keep telling yourself that. Even if you feel love for this guy, you could love someone SO much more because of the way they love you in return. You could be so much happier and better off. You owe it to yourself. If you practice any faith/religion, then put your trust in God and find comfort in knowing He never gives us more than we can handle! He has a plan for you, now start making it happen -becks
Author justadoormat Posted April 29, 2004 Author Posted April 29, 2004 He's not mean. Sometimes I think if I had a job and helped pay the bills that everything would be okay. He used to be the greatest. now I can't even ask for a kiss so forget about him just giving me one. All I wanted was a happy relationship. I was married before, I lived with someone before, I just can't keep doing this. I want so bad to have a family, but I guess I have to accept that my family is just me and my kids. That hurts like you'll never know. It hurts too that in my heart I know money is a poor reason to be with someone so my getting a job wouldn't fix this relationship. It will get me on my own two feet. I took two basic classes to try and help myself get a job. I finish the basic dental assisting class on may 18. wish me luck
aroseInLove Posted April 29, 2004 Posted April 29, 2004 I'm so sorry Sweetie... I was physically and mentally abused in a marriage and stayed in it while saving money to get out.. so I understand the financial dilemma .. which becomes a snowball effect of more constraints impeding the way to your independence.. like child care.. education.. etc.. Every day you must do SOMETHING to move toward independence.. even if it means studying harder.. or studying something in a related concentration in addition to your current hopeful role in dental.. That was my 'ticket' to getting hired.. having one more 'aspect' over and above my competition in getting the job.. In this world people CAN be so very mean without us even realizing it... especially while we're IN it deep.. It has happened to me... As for what you accept for treatment today, it may not appear mean.. see... it's later.. when you're treated 'right' that you come to see it.. I needed help too.. without family.. a 4 y/o and a newborn.. find a church.. take your children with you... share your story to anyone who will listen... and someone with a kind heart will help you... Good luck on your test.. I will PM you, Sweetie... rose
evadora Posted April 29, 2004 Posted April 29, 2004 You are doing the right thing!!!!!! Actually, I have been going through a similar situation myself. I was with someone who I cared for so much. I found out that he lied to me, and he told me he wouldn't do it again. Then he lied again and the same thing happened. Then he lied again. I debated with myself for a long time to get the nerve to leave him; I just recently lost my job and I'm in so much debt... Finally, though, after he lied to my face another time, I finally got the courage to leave him. It's painful, and I've been crying a lot, but underneath it all, it feels like a burden has been lifted and I am feeling hope now instead of the dread that I would feel when I thought about our relationship and how it was going. I am proud that I showed him my dignity and self-respect could not be trampled on. Now I'm trying to figure out how to keep myself alive financially...I'm applying for a couple of jobs, and I will work what I have to work to support myself until I can find a real job... but all in all, despite all the pain and heartbreak I am going through, I know this is just making me stronger. You will be ok. You will survive this and so will he. I know it hurts like hell, but you have the strength within you, and you will look back on your decision and know that you did the right thing. :::: big hug :::: Good luck!
CurlyIam Posted April 29, 2004 Posted April 29, 2004 Originally posted by justadoormat He's not mean. Sometimes I think if I had a job and helped pay the bills that everything would be okay. He used to be the greatest. now I can't even ask for a kiss so forget about him just giving me one. All I wanted was a happy relationship. I was married before, I lived with someone before, I just can't keep doing this. I want so bad to have a family, but I guess I have to accept that my family is just me and my kids. My advice to you is not to give up your marriage. He may be screaming and act selfishly, but I believe it's because he lost his respect for you. When a woman accepts to have no job and be provided for, even if she has babies she puts herself in the hot spot. Men hate women that depend completely on them. Maybe not at first, but I believe it's normal nowadays to have a strong reliable partner. My opinion is you can have a good sane relationship only if respect is there for both parties. It is very very difficult for you now, with 2 kids, and his attitude. I do agree you have to move out, but just ask for a time out. Time to put your life in order, get a job and break the dependency. I understand it is Three times more difficult for you than it was for me to leave. I've been in this relationship leading nowhere for 4 years and for the last year I began realing I was ever more depending on him. It tormented me day and night but it was like he was draining me of all power, sucking the life out of me. And we weren't married, I was not financially dependent on him and we had no children. So I totally understand your situation.This why I am saying the only way to be happy is not to owe anything to anyone. So follow Rose's advice, take your spare time to learn as much as you can and get a diploma, if you can't move out. But start somewhere. I don't know if you went ot college, your age or professional experience. But time is kind to no one. So start considering your oportunities, make plans and begin to put them into practice. You'll get much more stronger after this, maybe even get your hubby to appreciate you again. Good luck!
Author justadoormat Posted April 29, 2004 Author Posted April 29, 2004 Know what? We're not even married. I know you are all right. I don't have an education and I'm 28 years old. 29 really soon. Sad, huh? This class I'm taking is very basic and very short, but I'm praying it will get me into a job. it's once a week for 4 weeks, I'm taking the dental administrative assistant and the basic dental assistant classes. I have a high school diploma. But I guess I have to do this. I want to say with him,,,,,,,,but I won't. The other day he told me he doesn't care if I come back home or not ( I went outside after dark) One of these days he's going to think back on that. He said when he gets mad he says things he doesn't mean and that I do too. I mean what I say and I told him so. My feelings ARE worth something. Yeah I need to go Maybe I just need to get a dog. At least the dog would be loyal.
oneday Posted April 29, 2004 Posted April 29, 2004 Yes dogs are loyal! I have one by my side. I am going through a similar situtation. the pain of leaving someone or telling someone to leave is so hard. my boyfriend would yell and call me bad names i'd say at least w times a month ( i have been trying to put a real number on how often it happened) for not cooking him meals as he was working on renovating my house....but i also worked 8 hours and came home and worked on my house - so i didn't always have the energy to do so. he says i let him down by not making him feel special by cooking as he was making me feel special by fixing my house. so we didn't talk for a week then he said give him money for the work he did and he'd be gone - so i did. he's been out for almost a week. and last night we talked and he said that he didn't mean those things he said - he was just trying to hurt me like i hurt him. now look where we are. i am so confused - i know how you feel.
will_woman Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 You have to decide for yourself what's the best for you and kids. I know it's very very painful to leave him. But you have to bear in mind that you ARE NOT A DOORMAT!!! He treats you like one but in actual fact, you are not. You deserve someone much better than him. HE has said he does not love you anymore. I feel that you should set a baseline. AFter you have tried to save the relationship and it still does not work out. I guess you must be strong enough to go away. I know's it tough for you. I have been thorugh that kind of **** before. Though our heart bleed as we take each step, but we must still do it. No one can help us except ourselves. We have to be good to ourselves.
Author justadoormat Posted April 30, 2004 Author Posted April 30, 2004 I used to always feel that once you have real love - that love could never go away....
Author justadoormat Posted April 30, 2004 Author Posted April 30, 2004 Today he told me he doesn't want me to leave him. He just wants me to get a job and help pay for one of the cars or the rent or something. He said that when he has to go away for 5 months in September that he doesn't want to have to worry about me and the kids needing extra stuff. So if I don't get a job that will pay enough for me to pay my own rent or at least almost half of the rent, that he wants me to go live with his mom - she pretty much just wants to be around my daughter. This all seems reasonable. It seems like he just wants me to help pay my own way. But I can't forget about him saying those mean things. You can't say things to hurt someone you love no matter how mad you are. Why would anyone do that. My ex husband used to beat me up and verbally humiliate the crap out of me and then apologize and say I ticked him off so he had to do it. I don't want to be like that again. But I can't treat all situations the same either. It's so hard, I just want to be happy and not feel like my relationship is hanging by a thread...
CurlyIam Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 Hi, Unfortunately, it is not enough to demand respect, you need to earn it. Love without respect and pride (of the other person,his accomplishments, his personality) is not possible and will never last. I did tell you not to give upon your relationship, but rather than focussing on he's doing wrong, try to make what you do right. You sure have enough challanges in front of you - you still want a career like you told us, right? Focuss more on your life and less on your bf... it's hard, but it may pay the rent )
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