Lostinlife4now Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks to anyone who can respond! My GF has been involved with a MM for 4 years now...And I know she is frustrated but she wants to tell the W...I HAVE TOLD HER NO that it serves no purpose. She says she thinks she has the right to know! I keep telling her no...it is up to MM to tell her.....she is just not listening to me... I also have conveyed to her that MM and W will stick together when it comes down to it....she does not have any rights.... anything else I can throw at her to make her see what she is doing is wrong..? Would love any input...
Try Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks to anyone who can respond! My GF has been involved with a MM for 4 years now...And I know she is frustrated but she wants to tell the W...I HAVE TOLD HER NO that it serves no purpose. She says she thinks she has the right to know! I keep telling her no...it is up to MM to tell her.....she is just not listening to me... I also have conveyed to her that MM and W will stick together when it comes down to it....she does not have any rights.... anything else I can throw at her to make her see what she is doing is wrong..? Would love any input... She want to tell in the hopes that it will break up the marriage because she want the MM still. As for you, run. Do not look back. This will not end well for you.
Trimmer Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 What are your (her) fundamental assumptions? What is she frustrated about? What is her goal for how she wants things to change? And how does she perceive "telling the W" would bring her closer to that goal?
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks to anyone who can respond! My GF has been involved with a MM for 4 years now...And I know she is frustrated but she wants to tell the W...I HAVE TOLD HER NO that it serves no purpose. She says she thinks she has the right to know! I keep telling her no...it is up to MM to tell her.....she is just not listening to me... I also have conveyed to her that MM and W will stick together when it comes down to it....she does not have any rights.... anything else I can throw at her to make her see what she is doing is wrong..? Would love any input... What right do you have right about now?
Author Lostinlife4now Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 She is hurting and I guess she wants him to hurt....but telling the W won't get her anywhere...just more heartache......I told her to go NC.....well you might have thought I said jump off a cliff....I am trying to help her but she is going to do what she wants........thank you all..................keep em coming...........
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 She is hurting and I guess she wants him to hurt....but telling the W won't get her anywhere...just more heartache......I told her to go NC.....well you might have thought I said jump off a cliff....I am trying to help her but she is going to do what she wants........thank you all..................keep em coming........... I think she should tell the wife. Why do you, your GF and MM get to have all the pieces of the puzzle that includes her life and her ability to see the whole picture but she only gets the pieces the rest of you think is appropriate. Your GF has already caused the heartache, it's time someone did something other than cover their own behinds. Nothing thrives in secrecy.
eleanor01 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks to anyone who can respond! My GF has been involved with a MM for 4 years now...And I know she is frustrated but she wants to tell the W...I HAVE TOLD HER NO that it serves no purpose. She says she thinks she has the right to know! I keep telling her no...it is up to MM to tell her.....she is just not listening to me... I also have conveyed to her that MM and W will stick together when it comes down to it....she does not have any rights.... anything else I can throw at her to make her see what she is doing is wrong..? Would love any input... Hey, I think the big issue here is your friend's reasons for wanting to do this. Before we start off, I'll say that I think it's a really bad idea for your friend to tell his wife (although as another OW, I think I get where she's coming from). That aside, maybe some hypothetical scenarios might help to sort this out. Please add scenarios, comment. I'm using the generic "you" instead of "she" because it's just easier in trying to organize my thoughts for some reason . . . MOTIVE #1: to force his hand in making him choose between you and his W. MOTIVE #2: to get revenge on his wife because. . . MOTIVE #3: to get revenge on him because. . . MOTIVE #4: to reclaim power in your relationship w/MM MOTIVE #6: something else. . . ACTION: tell his wife POSSIBLE RESULT #1: Wife is great with the idea, thanks husband for doing the dirty work (because wife didn't want to have to be the one to end marriage), and you and fMM live out a great life together. POSSIBLE RESULT #2: Wife gets mad/is crushed and leaves him and you and fMM live out a great life together. POSSIBLE RESULT #3: Wife gets mad/is crushed, but doesn't leave him, and insists that he end it with you. So, that's what he does. POSSIBLE RESULT #4: Wife gets mad/is crushed but doesn't leave him, and fMM is so disgusted with you/pissed at you that he dumps you. POSSIBLE RESULT #5: something else. . . etc. What are the more likely of the results? So, regardless of whether or not telling his wife is wrong, I think doing so is at best illogical and at worst stupid (my apologies for the harshness of "stupid," but I can't think a more appropriate word right now). I'm sure that others can offer wonderful suggestions and I'm kind of curious as to what those are going to be. Good luck to your friend. Best, Ellie
eleanor01 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 What are your (her) fundamental assumptions? What is she frustrated about? What is her goal for how she wants things to change? And how does she perceive "telling the W" would bring her closer to that goal? WOW! I started composing my response when the only thing in this thread was the original query!!! I guess we all had some strong opinions on this one. Best, E--
TurboGirl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Obviously your friend wants the MM for herself. She has wasted 4 years of her life. Well, Great, go ahead and tell the wife... but nothing good will come of it. The MM will be super pissed and either dump your friend... or if the W throws him out and divorces him, your friend may or may not have him. He might decide to DATE other women before settling for someone who had so little self respect as to date a MM for 4 years. I think your friend doesn't give a CR** about the wife. She's been sleeping the MM for 4 years, why does she "care" now? All of a sudden she has grown a conscience? naaaaaaahhhhhhhh. It's all about her. She wants to play homewrecker. My suggestion to you is to stay out of it. You don't want to be around this when/if it goes down, trust me, there will be drama galore!
Severely Unamused Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 This is an interesting situation. My opinion, is that you should let her do what she wants to do. It's her relationship with the MM, not your own. You were quite comfortable with standing on the sidelines for 4 years. And you certainly knew what you were getting into. She is an adult, and she can make her own decisions. You can't control her. You can't play daddy. anything else I can throw at her to make her see what she is doing is wrong..?That is only your opinion. Evidently, she disagrees. Either respect her opinion, or don't.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 She is hurting and I guess she wants him to hurt....but telling the W won't get her anywhere...just more heartache......I told her to go NC.....well you might have thought I said jump off a cliff....I am trying to help her but she is going to do what she wants........thank you all..................keep em coming........... All the reason for her NOT to tell since she's out for revenge and not telling out genuine care and concern for his wife. Also, your girlfriend needs to own her part in the affair and not put it all on him! She was a WILLING partner, knew he was married, and chose to go ahead and go down that path..And, no thoughts of telling occured to her until the A ended, right? So, now that the A is over, she's NOW having thoughts of telling his wife? AND, she cheated on YOU. Put it to her like this. IF his wife calls her, then she can sing like a canary! Until that time happens, she should focus on WHY she cheated on you and fix herself, do counselling and find a way to become a better woman, a better girlfriend and learn some boundries, gain your trust and faith again, instead of being so "concerned" about exMM and his wife. Is there a back story can you share? How long ago did their A end?
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 I think she should tell the wife. Why do you, your GF and MM get to have all the pieces of the puzzle that includes her life and her ability to see the whole picture but she only gets the pieces the rest of you think is appropriate. Your GF has already caused the heartache, it's time someone did something other than cover their own behinds. Nothing thrives in secrecy. IF she is willing to take some of the blame, own her part in it all and not make it seem like the "big bad MM" sucked her into an affair and totally manipulated her. And, she has to be ready to go into NC mode and not have "hope" that his marriage will end and she'll end up with MM.
Severely Unamused Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) Damn. Was in the middle of editing. And you certainly knew what you were getting into. And she certainly knew what she was getting into. Edited August 7, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Trimmer Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Is there a back story can you share? How long ago did their A end? I'm not so sure it has. Although it seems like a likely assumption, the OP never said directly that it was over, referring to it in the present tense: "My GF has been involved with a MM for 4 years now..." The use of "has been" and "now" makes it sound current, otherwise, even if it had ended recently, it seems more like she would have said that she "was involved..." I'm not positive, but the OP hasn't been directly clear about it... She could be still involved and active, but hurting that he won't do what she wants... OP: Is the affair still going on? And can you answer directly (humor me): why is she hurting and what does she want him to do?
Author Lostinlife4now Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 You people are absolutely amazing...... Let me start by saying...She is hurt....she is hurting...she feels that why should the H be sitting home with the w....while she is hurting....she is saying "**** HIM".... she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to be happy either...She can be a vindictive bitch...(I did tell her that) I am not here to tell her what to do...what she will do what she want's....She said to me "How can the W just go on living knowing in the back of her mind that her H is ****ing around on her...And I TOLD HER....women will do what they have to do to maintain normalcy....maybe his W DOES NOT CARE as long as she is getting what she want's out of the R.....she is driving me CRAZY.....I need a drink...I am trying to help her but it is like helping a monkey caged up in a zoo....:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick:
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You people are absolutely amazing...... Let me start by saying...She is hurt....she is hurting...she feels that why should the H be sitting home with the w....while she is hurting....she is saying "**** HIM".... she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to be happy either...She can be a vindictive bitch...(I did tell her that) I am not here to tell her what to do...what she will do what she want's....She said to me "How can the W just go on living knowing in the back of her mind that her H is ****ing around on her...And I TOLD HER....women will do what they have to do to maintain normalcy....maybe his W DOES NOT CARE as long as she is getting what she want's out of the R.....she is driving me CRAZY.....I need a drink...I am trying to help her but it is like helping a monkey caged up in a zoo....:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: Seems like the BS isn't the only one willing to look away to remain in her marriage. What are you getting out of your relationship with this person who was willing to be an OW for 4 years? Tell her that what ever she thinks MM deserves, she has to remember to look in the mirror and know he wasn't doing anything alone. She was right there beside him...so what does she deserve?
Emme Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Tell your friend to read this and then make a decision. This post is for everyone. If you can see things differently, fine. If you don’t that’s also fine. The choice is yours. Every affair differs. There are some here who like to just have sex and disappear. Then we have others who want to play the role of wife. Then we have those who didn’t know but when they became aware still continued with the affair. Regardless of who-what-when-where-why, this is my standpoint. *** I’m going to break it down. Now… let’s say a wife is in her home. She’s going about her business of her day to day. All of a sudden the wife hears movement. She knows she’s in the home alone so she’s shocked to hear noise. She walks to the front of the house to see you standing at the door of her home. You’re turning the knob to leave and you have the nerve to say goodbye. The wife says… who the f*ck are you and how did you get in my house. You say I’m the woman your husbands been cheating on you with and I came in through the window. The wife says oh really… well leave the f*cking way you came in. Climb your ass back out the damn window on top of the shrubbery and the thorns. You don’t get to sneak in my house and have the audacity to leave through my front door. *** Here’s the thing. The way I explained it is the way I want you to view it. Now... When you were on your knees sucking her husband off, you never rang her doorbell. When you were straddling her husband, you never rang her doorbell. When he was spending the family money to wine and dine you, you never rang her doorbell. Why are affair partners now interested in ringing a doorbell when it’s finished. For me I believe that they are still invested. You can’t let go. People talk about there life as a book and this type of situation might be a chapter in that book. I don’t see it as a chapter. I see life as a volume of a series of stories. There are people here who have come to the end of the book. There are no more pages to be turned, no more words to be read. So instead of closing the book they want to rewrite a new ending that suits them. The book has already been bind and glued. Your taking paper adding on extra chapters because you don’t like the story that is written. If you still don’t get it…picture yourself in Vegas. You’re playing poker and the dealer closes the table. The table is closed. You get angry because you don’t want the table to be closed and start throwing your chips at the dealer. You are still invested in a game that has come to an end. It’s time for some here to move forward and start a new series in there life but instead they are still INVESTED. You are still allowing something that should be of no more importance consume you. You are bringing the last series into your new volume series when you can start off fresh and anew. Many don’t view the situation that way, that's fine. I don’t get when people use terms like “informed” decision. People didn’t inform the spouse at the beginning or during the affair. Whether you sexed them 1 time versus 1000 you still had sex with them. If someone makes you out to be crazy, good for you, your one up crazy because you know the truth. Not because you tell the spouse it won’t make you less crazy in their eyes. Not because you tell them doesn’t make your story true. There is no fair when you play with someone else’s partner. It wasn’t fair when you were playing behind the spouses back. The reason why I say the husband should tell the tale is because he’s the only who has a connection to the wife. That’s his time to come clean (It’s their choice whether they choose to or not). For the AP you are nothing to the spouse. That same corner you have been sitting in keeping your mouth quiet is the same corner you sit in when it’s over. Hypocritical is not something one should use if they’ve been sleeping with someone else’s spouse. If anyone wants to purge their soul take it else where. If you take anything from this post fine. If you don’t that’s also fine. In the end the choice is yours. Either you stand still or you move forward.
Author Lostinlife4now Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 Tell your friend to read this and then make a decision. emme;;;; so good!!!!! I am forwarding this to her as we speak.....She is really upset.....she feels like she has been played a fool....I do love her with my heart and soul, she has been there for me for MANY years....and I won't desert her not in the hour of her need.................
Emme Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 emme;;;; so good!!!!! I am forwarding this to her as we speak.....She is really upset.....she feels like she has been played a fool....I do love her with my heart and soul, she has been there for me for MANY years....and I won't desert her not in the hour of her need................. Girl, hold on to her tight. Wouldn't want you to be bailing her out of jail because she couldn't let go. Next step stalker. Tell her end the drama. It's her choice to make though honestly. It's all up to her. Hope it helps.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You people are absolutely amazing...... Let me start by saying...She is hurt....she is hurting...she feels that why should the H be sitting home with the w....while she is hurting....she is saying "**** HIM".... she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to be happy either...She can be a vindictive bitch...(I did tell her that) I am not here to tell her what to do...what she will do what she want's....She said to me "How can the W just go on living knowing in the back of her mind that her H is ****ing around on her...And I TOLD HER....women will do what they have to do to maintain normalcy....maybe his W DOES NOT CARE as long as she is getting what she want's out of the R.....she is driving me CRAZY.....I need a drink...I am trying to help her but it is like helping a monkey caged up in a zoo....:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: Why should the wife be sitting at home when the OW was screwing her H? Affairs are never "fair"!
Trimmer Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You people are absolutely amazing...... Let me start by saying...She is hurt....she is hurting...she feels that why should the H be sitting home with the w....while she is hurting....she is saying "**** HIM".... she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to be happy either...She can be a vindictive bitch...(I did tell her that) I am not here to tell her what to do...what she will do what she want's....She said to me "How can the W just go on living knowing in the back of her mind that her H is ****ing around on her...And I TOLD HER....women will do what they have to do to maintain normalcy....maybe his W DOES NOT CARE as long as she is getting what she want's out of the R.....she is driving me CRAZY.....I need a drink...I am trying to help her but it is like helping a monkey caged up in a zoo....:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: These are all direct questions, not rhetorical: Can you please answer whether the affair is still going on, or have they broken up? What does she want to happen as the outcome of all this? And if the wife knows that he is ****ing around on her, what is the point of your friend calling her up and telling her?
Severely Unamused Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You people are absolutely amazing...... Let me start by saying...She is hurt....she is hurting...she feels that why should the H be sitting home with the w....while she is hurting....she is saying "**** HIM".... she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to be happy either...She can be a vindictive bitch...(I did tell her that) I am not here to tell her what to do...what she will do what she want's....She said to me "How can the W just go on living knowing in the back of her mind that her H is ****ing around on her...And I TOLD HER....women will do what they have to do to maintain normalcy....maybe his W DOES NOT CARE as long as she is getting what she want's out of the R.....she is driving me CRAZY.....I need a drink...I am trying to help her but it is like helping a monkey caged up in a zoo....:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: Look, I understand that she is hurt, and I wasn't trying to be malicious with my previous post. But if she is as angry and vindictive as you say, then no amount of rational argument is going to help her. She is going to do, what she is going to do, damn the consequences. Hell, as ridiculous as this may sound to you, if she is as vindictive as you are suggesting, kicking the MM in the balls may be beneficial for her, at least in the short term-we all process our emotions differently and I couldn't say either way. I think that it is good of you to support her in her moment of need, btw. Just providing a different point of view. Unpopular opinions getting shot down, seems to be one of the complaints here. And yes, Trimmer brings up some good questions.
Author Lostinlife4now Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 Thank you to all who responded......You are incredible people!!! Well she is doing better this morning! She is now on the road to letting this MM go....I did let her read all of the things that you had posted. She did feel a little better. What a good nite's sleep can do. She is talking more rational this morning. I told her to KICK HIM TO THE CURB....she doesn't need this.....She is a good person, just got too caught up with the MM. Hey but then again we all make mistakes. It will be hard for her to let him go...but she really didn't have any life with him to begin with...I don't understand sometimes....but we are all still learning......
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Thank you to all who responded......You are incredible people!!! Well she is doing better this morning! She is now on the road to letting this MM go....I did let her read all of the things that you had posted. She did feel a little better. What a good nite's sleep can do. She is talking more rational this morning. I told her to KICK HIM TO THE CURB....she doesn't need this.....She is a good person, just got too caught up with the MM. Hey but then again we all make mistakes. It will be hard for her to let him go...but she really didn't have any life with him to begin with...I don't understand sometimes....but we are all still learning...... 4 years isn't a mistake, it is a series of bad choices that she didn't have a problem with making. Only based on your posts...she sounds like a wonderful person:confused:.
tami-chan Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You are a good friend but really, all you can do is state your opinion on the whole thing. You have done what you could as a friend. She is her own person and has to suffer ( or not) the consequences(if any) of her actions. For the record, I am not for APs confronting BSs. But if the BS comes to me and asks, I will tell the truth or not tell at all. As a fBS I never want to hear from my xHs APs. There was nothing about them or their relationship with my xH that mattered to me..and for those who contacted me-it all ended badly for them because my xH dumped them.
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