Walked away at the right time. Would appreciate a female perspective.

[Preciousmetal]

I'd like to get a female perspective on this. I did most things right due to experience but it just ended so wierdly im still mulling it over. This all happened over about 5 months.

I moved to a new town and a girl added me on FB through a mutual friend. We started chatting. I was very attracted to her but staggered my interest and matched her input. This set up her investing which was good.

i got to town , we started texting every day. She eventually came out to an event i was doing and we hung out. It was clear there was a strong attraction there.

I then had to leave town for a week. We were texting more and when i got back we bumped heads again and i asked her out. She said yes.

I then had to leave the country due to a medical emergency and i text saying i couldnt make it. We mailed a couple times and when i got back i bumped into her in a bar. I found out she though thought i was lying about it n tried to get out of the date.

A few nights later we started texting and i ended up giong over and staying the night. no sex just kissing, groping and we woke up in each others arms and there was obviously a really strong connection there.

 

We carried on texting. she was saying that next time she wanted more. I text her something a bit too sexual an i think she went a bit quiet, then it went wierd. At this point i think she sensed i might be just after quick sex.

 

From that point it was like her effort wasnt as much. I ALWAYS maintained the 1 step backwards from her, 2 from me and never chased. Only mentally. If i text n there wasnt much response id leave it til she text me again. I went out of town again. She text saying she wanted to see me right now. I said i cant im out of town.

 

I got back to town, she was putting more in by this stage because she thought she pissed me off. We ended up finally going on another date. We were hanging out like bf/gf, holding hands through the whole date, hugging, kissing etc. She went home, we text a bit but never really said how we feel.

 

She text me a few times drunk saying she didnt want me to leave and please dont leave. But sober she was always guarded and sometimes bitchy.

 

So in the end i text saying im not here for long, we obviously like each other , i want to see her. She text back saying she was hesitant because im leaving. We text a bit more an she said she knew i had things i wanted to do an didnt want to stand in the way of them. She said she was used to *******s n didnt really know how to handle someone being nice to her. That discussion finished.

 

She carried on initiating the text but when i invested, asked her out she backed off. Eventually i text her saying I cant text her anymore, i understand how she feels but its too hard for me to keep texting. Good luck and i know she will do really well.

You HAVE to show them you are willing to walk away, i knew if i pushed she would drift fiurther away and i knew that was the only way that in the future something might happen. But she just text back "Same, goodbye" And that was it. We never spoke again.

 

I was pretty gutted that she didnt text anything nice back.

I guess looking back she was scared of getting in too deep and being hurt. I think. Another part of me thinks she didnt like me THAT much, or she wouldnt have walked away so easily.

I do have a bit or a rep as a ladies man also because when im single, thats what i am. But i never cheat on women. Its funny because all the girls i am an ******* to, i cant get rid of. I didnt want to do that with her.

 

Im leaving town soon but i'll be back in about 6 weeks. Have i done the right thing? Should i initiate contact when im back? Can any women identify with how she feels? Id really like to hear if any women have been through this. Maybe i got completely played, i dont know. She was pretty sparadic on the texts sometimes and did mess my head around.

 

And to people going through a break up. I knew how to handle the break from experience. ALWAYS walk away when u dont get what you want. Its the only way to remain attractive and salvage something in the future.

[wilsonx]

 

I was pretty gutted that she didnt text anything nice back. Why? You got rejected. You're not a "ladies man" A ladies man rejects the rejecters.

I guess looking back she was scared of getting in too deep and being hurt. Why are you looking back at something that wasn't even a real relationship?

I think. Another part of me thinks she didnt like me THAT much, or she wouldnt have walked away so easily. Ding Ding Ding Ding... We have a winner

I do have a bit or a rep as a ladies man also because when im single, thats what i am. But i never cheat on women. Its funny because all the girls i am an ******* to, i cant get rid of. I didnt want to do that with her. You need to self reflect on who you actually are because you arent. Girls can spot guys that lack confidence and dont know who they truly are (No self identity).

 

Im leaving town soon but i'll be back in about 6 weeks. Have i done the right thing? Should i initiate contact when im back? Can any women identify with how she feels? Id really like to hear if any women have been through this. Maybe i got completely played, i dont know. She was pretty sparadic on the texts sometimes and did mess my head around. She had no interest in you probably other then just being freinds. She might have at the beginning but thats gone because umm read the last bold

 

And to people going through a break up. I knew how to handle the break from experience. ALWAYS walk away when u dont get what you want. Its the only way to remain attractive and salvage something in the future. There was no breakup here there wasn't even a relationship, you're delusional

 

This isnt a breakup, this isnt a real relationship. Congratulations, you successfully played push pull pua technique. You are a true ladies man. I can tell you where you went wrong. You have absolutely no confidence. None, zero, zilch. Plus you have no self identity. Read bold in quotes

[Preciousmetal]

Its hard to look into someone else's issue when you are obviously still mad at your own. I remember when i was angry about a break up, years ago, and everyone that asked me for advice i would give the same advice you did. It was all from my own frustrations though. Pointless

 

Girls dont want to be friends with guys, they want a man. They dont spend a night with a guy so they can be friends. They dont go on dates with guys and make out with them to be friends. I have an amazing lifestyle. If a girl tells you they dont want to stand in the way of your ambitions then they clearly are viewing you as a long term prospect, and not someone to hang out with as a friend.

 

I asked for a females perspective. When this girl let her guard down she wanted everything. We sat in bed and she asked me if i was playing her. She clearly had issues with my lifestyle and if i was going to **** her over.

You dont send back a two word text to a "friend." You do that to hurt someone, or make it easier on yourself.

I would have appreciated a female perspective, or at least someone who isnt still bitter.

[without]

You know everything yourself,you seem a mature man.

I'm female and i think she liked you but probably has trust issues or other issues that she has to deal with first.It's not easy dating these ppl unless they overcome what ever it is with themselves..i don't know any solution..

[wilsonx]

Its hard to look into someone else's issue when you are obviously still mad at your own. I remember when i was angry about a break up, years ago, and everyone that asked me for advice i would give the same advice you did. It was all from my own frustrations though. Pointless

 

Girls dont want to be friends with guys, they want a man. They dont spend a night with a guy so they can be friends. They dont go on dates with guys and make out with them to be friends. I have an amazing lifestyle. If a girl tells you they dont want to stand in the way of your ambitions then they clearly are viewing you as a long term prospect, and not someone to hang out with as a friend.

 

I asked for a females perspective. When this girl let her guard down she wanted everything. We sat in bed and she asked me if i was playing her. She clearly had issues with my lifestyle and if i was going to **** her over.

You dont send back a two word text to a "friend." You do that to hurt someone, or make it easier on yourself.

I would have appreciated a female perspective, or at least someone who isnt still bitter.

 

I actually have no anger towards my ex. I am a straight shooter and telling you how it is.

 

Its one of my better qualities on this forum. There was no bitterness in my post. I am not going to hold your hand and say I'm sorry. It was 100% honesty. I have probably 10 years on you and told you exactly what was wrong, the fact that you became defensive this easily shows that my post of you was correct.

 

The problem isn't the girl you were talking to. Again the problem is you have no confidence in yourself and no true self identity. What you do not understand is when a relationship is over, people always reflect on the ex trying to figure out what was wrong with their ex. I did it. I can tell you what was wrong with my ex. People also need to reflect on themselves which is something you have yet to do.

 

You can ask questions oh did she like me but no one on this forum can give you that answer. Its impossible, we aren't her so we dont know. The only person that can give you the closure you are looking for is either you or her.

[Preciousmetal]

I actually have no anger towards my ex. I am a straight shooter and telling you how it is.

 

Its one of my better qualities on this forum. There was no bitterness in my post. I am not going to hold your hand and say I'm sorry. It was 100% honesty. I have probably 10 years on you and told you exactly what was wrong, the fact that you became defensive this easily shows that my post of you was correct.

 

The problem isn't the girl you were talking to. Again the problem is you have no confidence in yourself and no true self identity. What you do not understand is when a relationship is over, people always reflect on the ex trying to figure out what was wrong with their ex. I did it. I can tell you what was wrong with my ex. People also need to reflect on themselves which is something you have yet to do.

 

You can ask questions oh did she like me but no one on this forum can give you that answer. Its impossible, we aren't her so we dont know. The only person that can give you the closure you are looking for is either you or her.

 

Look dude. You wouldnt be on this forum doing what you call "straightshooting" if you were completely over your situation. I dont like the place you are coming from to give out advice.

If you look at my experience i have remained calm and controlled all of the way through it. She was still texting me but when i didn't get what i wanted out of things, i walked away.

The girl clearly is damaged by some past experience and there isnt anything i can do about that at the moment.

You dont know my lifestyle and you don't know me at all so a naive pitch of "you need more confidence" is more likely to be a reflection of you yourself and your own situation.

I am leaving town for a month. I didn't get any closure from her which is fine, you mostly dont. I wanted to get a female opinion on wether they would be strong enough to let a guy walk out of their lives that they like, than risk getting hurt.

She text me a lot saying that she didnt want me to leave and she wasnt good with her feelings etc but was unhappy about me not being around.

If you look back at my experience, every time we were ready to take a step, i had to leave. Any woman WITH sense would realise that this is going to be complicated.

The girls in town that pursue me arent as intelligent and cant think rationally like she did. My reason for asking this question on here was to get see if girls with strong enough feelings for a guy could still do that.

There is a reason i got a 3 word text reply. Could be she is pissed, could be she is tired caring about it. But if we were just "Friends" it would have been easy to say, lets keep in touch, good luck etc.

It clearly wasnt easy to say that

[Sebastian76]

It seems to me that you did most things right, except for a couple important mistakes. IMO you became too serious/on relationship path before spending any real time together. You should have texted her less, seen her more and let things develop naturally. When she said that she was afraid that you'd burn her, that was your clue to stop push/pulling too much. A lot of the pua rules of thumb was made for winning over babes with inflated egos - which this girl did not seem to suffer from. So you could probably have done better being sincere and offering her more of yourself.

 

Her short text back was clearly a result of you hurting her. She was confirmed in her fears - that you weren't that much into her. She was pissed off because she wasn't indifferent with you. At least that's my take on it. I'd write her a really sweet message, and let her be. Maybe she'll come back.

 

// Seb

[sun_moon]

I consider myself an opinionated strong intelligent woman, and I'm telling you, you have all the answers in your last post.

 

You said it yourself she doesn't want to get involved with someone who isn't there!

 

If I were her, I would cut my losses, keep my guard up, and protect my emotions before I get put through the ringer, as she has done.

 

I wouldn't want a man that is never there, I wouldn't want a man that is about to move, and I definitely wouldn't want a man that is known to be a "ladies man". That's great for you if you aren't tired of that lifestyle but it doesn't work for her. Men think that a girl cant pick up on his "charming ways", honestly women can, even not so bright women with any kind of life experience can spot that kind of man a mile away. If she isn't to the whole casually dating/serial dating thing as well she is going to be repulsed by the idea of a "ladies man", even more scared if he states he wants a committed relationship because she knows he will struggle with this part. Especially since she's told you she has issues and you know she has unclaimed baggage from her past.

 

I consider myself to have issues and definitely trust issues, if I were her I would run like hell and not turn back lol.

 

Why commit herself to you psychically and emotionally when she knows she will be stuck in a LDR she didn't want!!!

 

You and her did the right thing by walking away.

[westrock]

I ALWAYS maintained the 1 step backwards from her, 2 from me and never chased.

 

Why? Often times that approach backfires and comes off as disinterest which she expresed when you cancelled due to the emergency. She may have interpretted your appoach as YOU being disinterested.

 

A guy who is really interested has to do at least some consistent chasing, not this forwards backwards stuff you're doing. Your approach may keep some women on edge but most women will get tired of it real fast.

 

Also, some may see your appoach as a way for you to keep your distance from her and undermining any chance of the relationship getting to the next level.

 

If you look back at my experience, every time we were ready to take a step, i had to leave. Any woman WITH sense would realise that this is going to be complicated.

The girls in town that pursue me arent as intelligent and cant think rationally like she did.

 

Maybe she did exactly that... sensed it was going to be complicated and in the end decided she didn't want complicated. Most people don't want complicated.

 

Maybe she wanted something more stable than what you were able to offer? Seems you're travelling a lot and that was interferring with your ability to get together with her.

 

Did you ever talk on the phone or was all your communications by text only?

 

She carried on initiating the text but when i invested, asked her out she backed off. Eventually i text her saying I cant text her anymore, i understand how she feels but its too hard for me to keep texting. Good luck and i know she will do really well.

You HAVE to show them you are willing to walk away, i knew if i pushed she would drift fiurther away and i knew that was the only way that in the future something might happen. But she just text back "Same, goodbye" And that was it. We never spoke again.

 

I was pretty gutted that she didnt text anything nice back.

 

You basically break up with her via text and she responded accordingly. I am not sure what more you expected her to text back. Did you want her to chase you and plead with you?

[Preciousmetal]

It seems to me that you did most things right, except for a couple important mistakes. IMO you became too serious/on relationship path before spending any real time together. You should have texted her less, seen her more and let things develop naturally. When she said that she was afraid that you'd burn her, that was your clue to stop push/pulling too much. A lot of the pua rules of thumb was made for winning over babes with inflated egos - which this girl did not seem to suffer from. So you could probably have done better being sincere and offering her more of yourself.

 

Her short text back was clearly a result of you hurting her. She was confirmed in her fears - that you weren't that much into her. She was pissed off because she wasn't indifferent with you. At least that's my take on it. I'd write her a really sweet message, and let her be. Maybe she'll come back.

 

// Seb

 

Maybe i didnt show enough interest. I didnt want to be too eager and displa my cards before i knew she was bothered. When i did show interest, it seemed to push her away. In my experience it NEVER works to chase a girl. Maybe i am wrong, but i find that women want to chase and they will for the right guy.

I did call her a couple times but she was a bit wierd. She would say shes in the bath or something and go back to texting. A couple of times i tried to go over her place and when we went on the date i tried to get her back to mine, which was possibly a mistake, but after already spending a night together, it seemed pretty normal.

The whole thing was just a bit wierd and it went wrong from the night we spent together and me sending her a sexual message. When i sent a text saying i wanted to spend time with her because i didnt know how long i would be her, thats when she was finally honest about actually liking me and text me saying she was hesitant because i was leaving. I didnt bring up a relationship but from her side it was like we were about to go into something really deep.

I havent really met a girl who has been so controlled over the situation. She has moments where she wasnt , if she was drunk or i hadnt text for a while she would suddenly put loads of effort in. Then the next day though, it would be like it never happened.

I just cant really work out what shes annoyed about. I sent her a pretty nice message when i broke things off and wished her all the best etc. Although that was after not messaging her for a week. But after me inviting her out, she blanked me then sent a random text the night after saying hi. And by that point i had enough of the random texts going nowhere. I wanted some space and i decided to end contact

 

Im very ambitious and have done well for myself. I thought that if a woman was strong enough they could respect a man for that and would you really want a guy who dropped everything for you?

Im back in just over a month. I guess selfishly im wondering if she was actually that bothered and that's why i wanted to ask a female, and why she was so pissed off from my text. And also if its worth making contact when i am back.

Cheers

[NursingGirl]

My boyfriend travels alot and quite frankly, it interferes with us being able to get to another level of being close. There seems to be no continuity or a feeling of progression when he is gone so much. We have to spend some of our time getting re-acquainted even though we text or call everyday. I don't like it. I can't get a feel for where it's going. Of course I like that he is so passionate about his job and successful at what he does. I don't want to stand in the way of that. But I want intimacy and it's hard to achieve that when he goes away so often.

 

It could be a simple as that. Each time when she felt like the "relationship" with you was going somewhere, you had to take off again.

[NursingGirl]

***********

Edited August 7, 2011 by NursingGirl
Double post

[LifeIsGreat]

I think it's possible the OP is getting too much blame here. It could be all kinds of things, AND it could simply be she is a flake. Some women (and yes, men) like to play this push/pull thing. I have experienced it too. You know what?.... if that's the way she really is then forget her. There are too many mature people out there that won't play these games. The push/pull game is exhausting and NEVER can lead to a good LTR.

[Preciousmetal]

My boyfriend travels alot and quite frankly, it interferes with us being able to get to another level of being close. There seems to be no continuity or a feeling of progression when he is gone so much. We have to spend some of our time getting re-acquainted even though we text or call everyday. I don't like it. I can't get a feel for where it's going. Of course I like that he is so passionate about his job and successful at what he does. I don't want to stand in the way of that. But I want intimacy and it's hard to achieve that when he goes away so often.

 

It could be a simple as that. Each time when she felt like the "relationship" with you was going somewhere, you had to take off again.

 

Yea. You are right. But, with that , you are still with the guy, even though you dont like it. I havent met many women who think so logically about a situation and are able to keep emotion separate.

So why do you think she sent such a bitchy text to end things?

I have about 5 days left in town. Ill be back in a few months. Depending on how i feel what is the best way to approach starting contact again?

[NursingGirl]

Yea. You are right. But, with that , you are still with the guy, even though you dont like it. I havent met many women who think so logically about a situation and are able to keep emotion separate.

So why do you think she sent such a bitchy text to end things?

I have about 5 days left in town. Ill be back in a few months. Depending on how i feel what is the best way to approach starting contact again?

 

 

If I understand correctly from reading, you sent her a text that said you couldn't continue texting and she sent you one that said "same here" or something like that. I guess you both got sick of the head games, drama and back and forth out of town. At some point in a LTR (or if either party wants it to head that way) someone has to take the risk and be honest about feelings. She kept feeling like you were hot and cold (push and pull...whatever you wanna call it) and decided the frustration was too much. She called you drunk because she was in more of an emotional state and decided to tell you how she really felt about you (I want to see you right now). She liked you, but if you like her....you are gonna have to put yourself completely out there and tell her how you feel. What do you have to lose? Only then are you going to find out if she is a total flake or not....and that part is still to be figured out...she could be.

[jchips]

From what I can glean this is a pretty straight forward situation. Precious, I say this with gentleness and kindness- frequent texting is no substitute for the face-to-face interaction needed for a satisfying relationship. A LDR or a relationship where a person is away more than there isn't viable, at least for most people. I don't think it's about trust issues or anything like it.

 

As a woman, I want to be with a man I can see, touch, and talk with face to face on a regular basis. Anything short of that isn't going to meet my needs, so really why waste my time with something that isn't working for me? Precious, if you really want to have a satisfying relationship, start by looking around where you spend the majority of your time and then be willing to be present in person, a lot. To me, that's the very minimum requirement for success in a relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Preciousmetal]

A lot of really good points here. Thanks for the feedback.

Yea, the push pull does become exhausting and i reached the point about a month ago where i was becoming too sidetracked by the games an it was affecting my life. So when i sent the text saying i was soon leaving an we need to see each other it was all or nothing. And she came back saying that she was hesitant etc and was pretty much ending it But then she kept on texting me nice stuff. So thats when i decided to text her goodbye.

 

I havent really put myself out there. I have trouble with that. Maybe she does too. I leave in a few days. we havent spoken since her text. Im going to leave things here until i return to town. This could be weeks, months, i dont know tbh.

 

Hopefully i left it in a good place to keep the attraction there. I dont get what she was annoyed about but at least i remained neutral and stuck to NC. You always want to think that person is annoyed you aren't making the effort they want, but thats rarely it.

Its likely as the person above put it that "Shes Just A Flake"

 

I guess if i still like her when i come back to town ill put myself out there and see what happens. Any grand gestures would just be followed by me skipping town!

 

I thought as i got more successful it would be easier to meet great women but my lifestyle is more of a hinderance. I travel a lot, i just closed a couple mill on a deal and my profile has got much bigger this year. It was actually easier to meet geniune people when i left college and was poor.

 

Thanks for the advice people. Best wishes to you all.

 

PS i was on these boards about a year ago with an ex that i couldnt care LESS About right now. She is sleeping with an ex best friend of mine and it doesnt bother me in the slightest. In fact im going to write another thread , i think its worth reading if you are looking for hope