sjjane Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 I have a MAJOR problem here.... My boyfriend of 7 months stood the night at my place (as he always does). Normally he leaves in the morning the same time I do but he didnt this particular day. When I came home later that day, he came by and confessed he had done something "really messed up". He had gone through my IM messages (they had been archived) and found that I had made "tenitive plans" to meet a guy for lunch. Now, before you jump to conclusions let me explain. A few weeks prior to him snooping around my PC, he had said some things about my kids that hurt my feelings. I was hurt and angry and made some lunch plans with this online guy. I quickly realized it was wrong to do so and I cancelled. I never met this online guy before and I've been chatting with him for about a year now. He knows I have a boyfriend but he is constantly trying to get me to come to his palce, and calls me sexy. I dont pay any attention to it. In my anger I also put online a personal ad and then took it down after two days, again, realizing that it was the wrong thing to do. Well my boyfriend now thinks I've cheated on him but I didnt! Yes it was stupid for me to keep chatting with this other guy and place an ad, but I never followed through with any of it and kept it a secret. Now that he has found it he says he has to end our relationship because he can NEVER trust me again. I feel wronged that he invaded my privacy. I asked if he has ever had reason to believe I was ever cheating and he said no. I spend every minute with him and I've never kept anything (except this) from him. But I feel like he pushed the boundries with me, and is now accusing me of things I never did! Things were going great up to this point and I love him very much. I'm angry and hurt. What do I do?!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 I think you've got other issues here. You chatted with a guy online for a year and continued doing so 7 months into your "relationship"? Even when it was obvious that this other guy wanted to be more than "friends"? You made lunch plans with this guy and then cancelled? You placed a personal ad online in anger? These are strange things to do when you're supposedly in a relationship. And what about this guy online? And what about the people who may have seen your ad? And what about your boyfriend? I don't think you're ready to have any kind of serious relationship. oh - I do hate the snooping thing, but once something is found out, it's found out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sjjane Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 Im not ready for a serious relationship and both he and I agree on that. I can see if we were engaged or we were married, but we arent. There is no formal commitment between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Not much you can do. He shouldn't have gone through your IM's, but he did. If you really love this guy, you shouldn't have been keeping the online guy such a big secret, as you probably know. That makes it look really bad to the third party who discovers that you've been hiding him this whole time. After all, if it's innocent, why hide it? Or so the your man probably thinks. If you've explained the situation and apologized for keeping it a secret and of making lunch plans with this guy when you were mad, that's about all you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sjjane Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 The online guy was never a secret. My boyfriend knew about him. In fact I would chat with this guy in front of him. It wasnt sexual talk, just minor stuff like what I did in class that day and so on. It was usually brief. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Well, if he already knew about your friendship with this guy, I'm not sure what he's so pissy about concerning this man, unless it was bothering him this whole time (jealousy) and he didn't tell you. At any rate, still not much you can do, unfortunately. Make sure he knows that you regret your decisions and would still like to continue what you have. And if he still doesn't want to reconcile, I dont' see what choice you have but to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Believer69 Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 Although your boy friend new about this guy, he obviously wasn't secure with your position either with him or this guy, or he wouldn't have gone on your computer. He was looking for something, and he found it. Even if you hadn't made plans with this guy, he probably would have found something he didn't like, as that's what he was looking for. Talk to him about it, reassure him of your intentions, also explain that it is a two way street with the trust issue, and you had trusted him in your home, and he invaded your privacy. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 He knows I have a boyfriend but he is constantly trying to get me to come to his palce, and calls me sexy. I dont pay any attention to it. You may not pay any attention to it but your boyfriend certainly did. You boyfriend is probably thinking that you wouldn't have continued this kind of correspondence if he meant anything to you, but then later you say he knew about this guy and your emails were harmless - so what gives? In my anger I also put online a personal ad and then took it down after two days, again, realizing that it was the wrong thing to do. So now what is your boyfriend going to think? That everytime you have an argument you're going to go online looking for someone else? I know you say you took it off ( 2 days later ) and nothing came of it, but the fact is you still did it AND he found out about it. I know that I would certainly have difficulty trusting someone who did that sort of thing after an argument. Then you say Im not ready for a serious relationship and both he and I agree on that. I can see if we were engaged or we were married, but we arent. There is no formal commitment between us. Well then he shouldn't be upset and I guess neither should you. If you love him and you want him back then I suggest you two discuss some boundaries. Just because you're not engaged to be married doesn't mean that you can't be exclusive, or does it? And just because you didn't do anything with this online guy or follow through on the personal ad doesn't mean that your boyfriend shouldn't feel that you've been cheating on him. If you're putting yourself out there he's bound to feel that you can easily cast him aside. Once trust is gone in a relationship it can be a hard slog to get it back. Link to post Share on other sites
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