Christian79 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Hi everyone, I have been visiting these forums for a while since my breakup and they have helped me alot, thanks to everyone who has posted their experiences and advice so we can all try to learn from each others' situations. Apologies if this is a slightly broken up post but here goes. Finally I have felt the need to post here as things have been getting too much for me. It has been 7 weeks since I split up with my ex, who I loved immensely. I moved from England to Madrid to be with her and we were together for 8 months, there were several things that led to our breakup and I am now back in England living with my family before restarting my uni course which I took a break from in order to go to Spain (I know, I know, this was perhaps a little rash after only knowing her for 2 months!). The pain is easing day by day, but I am left with a feeling of utter emptiness inside. I am finding it hard to relate to my family, my relationships with my friends feel shallow and meaningless, and any relations I have with women also leave me feeling shallow, empty and guilty. I have met some lovely girls since we finished but everything just makes me feel worse; I crave social interaction but in the end it just makes me feel worse. Last night things came to a head when I went out with a couple from my course last year who I used to hang out with before they move down South. I haven't seen them for 8 months or so and I thought it would be nice. Anyway, it ended up a disaster. The girl got drunk and suggested a threesome with her and her boyfriend (which he and I declined!), and them left him to go home and stayed out with me and some other friends for a further hour. Nothing really happened apart from some touching and flirting, and I told her although I am attracted to her nothing further was going to happen. She went home and some flirtatious texts were exchanged, and that was it. I know I probably let this go too far, and today I feel awful. All I can think about is that my ex-girlfriend was doing this while we were together; in her group of friends there was a guy she had fancied for years and I know they used to flirt and that on one occasion after we had had an argument something more happened between them. She was honest about this but I cant help thinking there are things she didnt tell me. This feeling that everyone I meet is going to behave in this way is compounded by the fact that I feel like an utterly shallow person. I am quite a good-looking guy and I get plenty of attention from girls, but rather than making me feel better this just makes me feel very empty and I don't know why; maybe it's because I know I am still head-over-heels in love with my ex, and miss the fulfilling and mostly very loving and affectionate nature of our relationship alot. We have both said that we feel that if the timing is right in the future we could be together (although I am not holding onto hope of this), as at the time basically our lives were taking us in different directions. I know one of the key aspects of moving on is to learn to love yourself, but I am having such problems with this. I always feel guilty about my behaviour. I am not a bad person but I just don't like myself very much at all. I need to get myself sorted before my very intensive teacher training starts up again, and am worried if I don't I am going to suffer a breakdown. I just want my ex back, at times our relationship made me feel so strong and we helped each other through some testing times, but now I feel so weak and lonely. Sometimes it feels like LS is my only solace! Part of me wishes I was back in Spain again and at least near her, we both admitted before I left that even though we were broken up it was going to be hard being unable to reach out to each other (whether this would have been healthy in the long run or not). I guess I am wondering if any of you guys have suffered these feelings of emptiness and shallowness after a break up, combined with a feeling of inability to love oneself and see value in oneself? Are you still feeling this now and if this feeling has passed then how did you get through it? Have your relationships with your family suffered as a result?
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